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What Leaders Do for Christmas

I recall the time when my dad was out late for work. It happened a lot when we first moved to Tennessee. He had left a good job in lumber sales in Louisiana to help start a new church in Nashville, Tennessee. So when we got here, he was looking for work. He found odd jobs here and there and jobs that had him working from morning to late at night.

Every Christmas, mom would prepare us for the idea that Santa didn’t make a lot of stuff this year and so we wouldn’t be getting very much. This conversation happened every year. And every year, we had so much stuff, it took forever to go through it all. But even if they hadn’t been able to get us stuff, would we have been provided for? Yes. Because they gave us gifts that lasts for eternity.

See, dad’s time spent at work was to provide. It was to make sure his wife and his kids (in that order) were taken care of. He always attempted to show us how God would act. What God would say. What God would think. He taught us to see through God’s eyes and not our own.

Many many times we would say things like, “but his dad lets him!” Dad’s response would always be, “I’m not his dad, I’m yours and I don’t care what they think or what you think, I only care what God thinks.” Both of my parents were always making sure we knew what was most important. What we thought, what we wanted, simply wasn’t very important. Only what God wanted. I was talking with a young relative, around age 4 at the time, and he kept saying “but I want… but I want.” I looked at him and said “what you want isn’t important at all right now. The only thing that is important is that you do what I’m telling you to do.” He looked at me like I had three heads. It was clear he had never been told that.

This principal seems to be lost on the current generation. Things are always about what WE want. Instead of: what does God want. Pastor Charles Simpson expressed my sentiments on this exactly when he said, “I was born before they invented self-esteem. My parents just weren’t that impressed with me.” Exactly! Sometimes they were pleased. But mostly, they were providing for us and instructing us. I’m here to tell you that kept me out of jail. There’s truly no telling where I’d be if I hadn’t received the instruction of pleasing God before our own wants and desires.  

This is what leaders do. Leaders give you something that will last a lifetime. My parents always gave us more than enough during Christmas, but there was a reason. They didn’t get themselves ANYTHING. Was it because they didn’t have enough money to get all four of their boys something and get something for themselves? Perhaps. But, based on my knowledge of them, I’m inclined to think it was because of the principal of being a real leader.

Leaders serve first and eat last. Leaders wait until everyone has eaten at least once before they even pick up a plate. It doesn’t matter if the food is cold now. As long as everyone else has eaten, a leader is happy. Leaders let company use their toys first. Leaders let friends be the first to play a certain game. Leaders get up and give the last seat to someone else.

This leadership was instilled in us at a very early age. I’ll never forget when I saw a very clear, tangible expression of this. My little brother Jonathan was about 6 or 7 years old. He went with me to get a copy of my driver’s license. The waiting room had about 15 or 20 chairs and they were all full. He and I had taken the last two. A man walks in and looks around for a seat. Jonathan immediately, without hesitation, gets up and kneels down next to me to give up his seat. He had been taught that his comfort didn’t matter that much. He had been taught to respect his elders. Subsequently, he entered the military with almost no problems. He already knew what real leadership looked like.   

You know what else leaders don’t do? Leaders don’t buy for themselves at Christmas. They shop solely for others. I’ve seen many things I’ve wanted during this season. But I simply cannot bring myself to buy myself something. It’s just not in me. Why? Because that’s not what a leader does. I have the money to buy more than enough gifts for everyone in my family, and that’s a lot of people. I also have enough money to get what I want for me. But I won’t. Because I intend on sending a clear message to my children that leaders provide and put others first.

This Christmas, whether you have the means to provide everything your children want or not, make sure you provide the most important gift, pleasing God. Make sure your children know that what God wants is more important than any switch game or TikTok trend. Make sure they know that, at times, they aren’t that important. They need to know that. When we learn that what God wants supersedes what we want, we will then live in unity with Him and His children. Because then our lives become about others first. My kids can answer this quickly when I ask: what’s the key to life summed up in one word? Others.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Compassion Fixed My Car

No it didn’t.

I remember taking my car, years ago, to a company that proudly displayed their Christian faith and the owners were very kind and genuine. They would tell me they were praying for me. They were the nicest people. There’s a problem, though; my car always had the same or a similar problem after I got it back from them. They never fixed my car correctly. After speaking with many in the area I was in, I heard the same stories. They just were not very good at fixing cars. But they were GREAT people.

Well, when I needed my car fixed, I was more concerned about my car being fixed than if they were praying for me. As coarse as that may sound, I need my car to work properly so I can do what God called ME to do.

In contrast, I also used to take my car, many years ago, to a guy that was incredibly rude. Not friendly at all. The first two signs you saw when you walked in were, “No Refunds!” and “I shoot every third salesman and the second one just left.” But my car was in perfect shape when I got it back. I hated that he retired. It IS possible to separate business from personal convictions. If the business is good at what they do, they’ll get my business.

Our country is now at the point where it is being run like a business. As it should be. And in this business, citizens get to vote on who runs the company. I’ve been told I can’t vote for Biden because he wants to take my guns. I’ve been told I can’t vote for Trump because he has no compassion. I’ve been told I can’t vote for Jo because she has no shot of winning. I’ve been told I can’t vote for Kanye or it will take votes away from Trump… or it will take votes away from Biden. I’ve been told Trump is a liar. I’ve been told Biden is a liar.

So what do I do? How can I make sense of all this? Well, I have to use process of elimination. First, let’s look only at what we KNOW. I know that politicians lie. All of them. I can’t recall the last time a politician told the truth consistently. I know that occasionally, they pander to the religious right to gain a vote but would never normally show up and contribute on a weekly basis to an actual church. As a Christian, if I’m looking for someone that will represent that part of my ideals, I’ll be looking a very long time. Politicians don’t represent Christians. They represent people that they want to vote for them. And that’s where their allegiance ends. They’re looking for the vote, and once they get it, they move on to do exactly what they wanted to do in the first place, regardless of what you think.

So if I know that they all lie and I know that they don’t represent my Christian values, then how can I possibly choose who to vote for? Well, first, let consider what we CAN’T do. We can’t choose someone based on what they say. We just established that they all lie. Pretending to have compassion, or even having actual compassion doesn’t make them good at a job either. It’s makes them a good person. And my car still won’t work. I can’t listen to words of compassion and empathy and decide that’s good enough, because when I try to start my car, it won’t start. At that point, empathy and compassion aren’t getting the job done. 

The real answer if painfully simple, yet seemingly unattainable by mainstream society. I must look ONLY at what they DO. Then I can decide if I agree with what they do or don’t do and see if it’s working… when I get my car back, does it now work? Because what they say is all hot air anyway. Biden thinks he’s running against George Bush for Senate and denied saying he won’t ban fracking. Trump boasts that his handling of Covid has gone perfectly. We all know those things aren’t true. So what have they done?

One thing that keeps coming up for Biden is the 1994 crime bill. So when Biden went to fix the car, the result of his work as a “United States mechanic” caused a large number of black people to no longer be able to “drive their car”, per se.

In contrast, Trump gave those same people a new car. He put in place the FIRST STEP act. This act did a few key things. It made smaller crimes have lesser sentences; Minimum sentences for first time criminals were lowered, money was saved from the prisoners being released and that money was allocated to transition programs and even more money was added to transition programs. On top of that, he made the plan retroactive.

Immediately, two things happened: non-violent, non-threatening, and first-time offenders were released from prison. The next thing that happened was prison recidivism changed dramatically. In 2019, incarceration dropped in 33 states. Basically, the car that left Biden’s shop still broken, was moved to Trump’s shop and not only got fixed but was improved to a better condition than it was in before.

He still doesn’t represent Christians. He still boasts too much, to the point of lying. He still says and tweets very insensitive and crass things. But if you need your car fixed, are you taking it to the guy that feels bad for you and prays for you and hands you back a broken car, or are taking it to the guy that isn’t super friendly but gets your car in brand new shape? 

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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The 4 L’s

In December of 2015, the New York Times released an article after following a group of 85-year-old people for a year. What they concluded was that it was certain what mattered to them was laughter. They spent “no wasted time on anger and worry.” They were quoted as saying “with old age, I listen a little more.”

What did matter to them was The 4 L’s: Life, Laughter, Listening, and Love. Notice what did not matter to them; none mentioned a thing about current events, politics, donkeys or elephants. Only life, laughter, listening, and love. 

I’ve learned that I have no control over what someone does in the White House. I have no control over what they do in the Tennessee capital. I have no control over what happens in the Sumner County sessions. The closest thing I have to control is a vote. And I use that to the best of my ability. After that, it’s out of my control. 

Think back before covid. Who did you go to concerts with? Who did you have dinner with? Who did you hang out with, double dates, play dates with kids? Remember when it didn’t matter how they voted? 

What’s changed? Boredom and Social media. And a lack of pursuit of the things that matter. We’ve turned our focus away from the friends that make us laugh at dinner and decided they’re no longer dinner-worthy because they dislike Trump. Or they’re no longer someone you want to go to a concert with anymore simply because they don’t like Biden. Think about it, do these politicians know who you are? Do they care? Debatable.

Boredom. Covid put us in a place where we were in search of something to do. People were playing the stock market that had never done so before. There were no sports. This was the closest thing to it. 

One thing that is stoking opinionated fires needlessly that not many are mentioning is social media. Social media has unintentionally, yet successfully driven a wedge in our relationships while trying to bring them closer together. How could that be? 

Originally, it was meant to bring people together. Family that didn’t live close by could keep in touch. People would be positively reaffirmed with “likes”. But it was free. They had to make money. So the social media platforms sold data on what people were clicking on and watching- the algorithm. In order for them to make money, you had to stay on your phone. In order for that to happen, they put things in front of you they knew you’d like and agree with. Algorithms again. 

You kept feeding their data machine and they kept sending you things you liked and agreed with. The more you watched, the more money they made. Little did they, or you, know that the things they were putting in your face were creating total political polarization. 

So now we’re willing to lose friends, people we’ve been doing life with, over things we can’t control. That’s how ridiculous this has gotten. It’s gotten so out of control that an idea about something you have no control over, an opinion, is driving wedges in families, friends, communities. 

There has to be a point when we realize it’s just not worth it. That whether I back the blue or believe Black Lives Matter, or manage to believe both has no effect on the years of closeness I’ve had with someone prior to this social media experiment. 

I seriously doubt we’ll be 85 saying “I’m so happy I ended that 20-year friendship over my opinion on a police department in Wisconsin.” That just won’t happen. We’ll wake up with so much regret we won’t be able to function. We must get to a place where we focus on what matters: Life, Laughing, Listening, and Love.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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It Was Still HIS Country

There we are. We finally have sports. Something to take our thoughts away from the everyday turmoil of our nation. I was SO ready for sports that I even agreed to watch baseball. That’s kind of a big deal for me. But then they did it… putting political messages all over everything and two teams kneeling during the anthem.

I won’t discuss the fact that they got where they are because they were good at throwing and hitting a ball, not because of their woke enlightenment. Not because of their superior intellect. Because they were born with and perfected a superior ability of hand-eye coordination.

I won’t discuss whether or not they even know why they’re kneeling. What the message is.

I won’t discuss police brutality and whether or not you think it’s an epidemic or not. That’s for another day.

Today I’m only talking about the vehicle chosen to protest. Do they have the right? Yes. And the consumer has the right to cease spending money on tickets too. Picking the right moment for the right audience is paramount for getting a message out that you believe is important.

So we pick the national anthem. There can only be one of two reasons why.

Reason #1- you hate America. To those, I’m sure there are great real estate agents that can get them top dollar for their homes and they can move to another country.

Reason #2- it’s a huge platform that can get the attention of a large audience. But again, is this the audience you want to appeal to?

We all remember the story of Natalie Maines from the Dixie Chicks (now referred to as three persons of non-specific gender or region) and her decision to tell people in London how bad she hated our president (W at the time). On the surface, that doesn’t sound like a big deal. I happen to personally know a musician that was on that stage with her that night standing right behind her and it didn’t strike him or any other band members as a big deal. Just Natalie being Natalie. The problem was that the people who bought their albums and bought tickets to their shows were huge fans of “God-fearing Republicans”, which W was just that. It caused their career to implode overnight. And it seems here recently a certain group of people forgot that story and seem destined to repeat it.

And here we are, watching people protest during a song. But what do they know about that song? Obviously not much. A close friend of mine discussed the lyrics a few years back. I’m going to discuss the resolve of the writer and the audience of the protesters. Quick history…

British ships were intercepting American ships that were on their way to France to provide supplies. Britain still had this superiority complex that they could just do whatever they wanted to Americans. President James Madison has people in his ear that basically say, “Are you going to stand for this or do something about it?” Could he have chosen a diplomatic route? Possibly. But just 30 years earlier the Americans learned that diplomacy wasn’t something Britain was used to. The British like to do what they wanted when they wanted.

So there’s this lawyer who has a knack for excellent poetic writing. He is outraged when he learns that President Madison has declared war on the British. He felt it could have and should have been handled diplomatically. The vote to go to war was the closest ever, proving that the country was very divided on this issue. Francis Scott Key began using his national platform, expressing his disgust of Madison and his outright protest of this “unjust war”. He. Was. Angry.

So Britain obliges. They bring the fight to Ft. McHenry. Key was given permission from the President to negotiate the release of a prisoner. He boards a British ship and while they are negotiating, the fight intensifies. Key is not allowed to leave the boat for a couple of reasons.

So he was relegated to sit back and watch from a distance. The next morning, he began asking questions, (paraphrased) “Can you see?… at dawn?… is it the same flag we proudly posted last night? … the one with stripes and stars… it made it through the fight? but I watched our land get hit with a flurry of shells?… but I saw that British red powder flying through the air behind all of those bombs? Somehow through all of that our flag was still there? WHAT?! … Well I’ll be damned! It’s still waving over the land of the free and the home of the brave.”

What Key saw that night was shell after shell being hurled (approximately 1 per minute, which was a lot back then) at his country. The same country he was PROTESTING. The same country he was angry with for even being in this conflict. He watched in horror thinking the worst. It completely shocked him to find the flag still standing there. 

See, in the midst of his anger and protest, this was still HIS country. He still loved America. He was just angry at President Madison and those that voted to enter the conflict. If the story of this song tells us anything, it’s that even in the midst of disagreement, we’re still Americans. This is still OUR country.  So protesting this tune, written by this guy, who was protesting America, makes ZERO sense.

And then there’s that issue of audience. Most sports lovers really don’t care what their favorite athlete thinks about law enforcement. They want to cheer on their team and enjoy sports. If you feel the need to protest something, there’s nothing wrong with that. But make sure you at least consider what you’re protesting and who it will alienate in the process. The latest antics by the woke sports mob will only hurt. It will only continue to divide. The NFL and NBA TV ratings were at an all-time low prior to covid. We look to sports as an escape… not more political rhetoric. If we want that, we’ll just hop on Facebook… followed by lots of prayer and anti-depressants!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Missed Opportunities

Some opportunities come often. Some come “Once in a lifetime” so “You better lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it…” well you know. We can all point to missed opportunities in our own lives, if we’re honest.

I can point to countless meetings with music industry heavy weights. One particular meeting was with a producer who presents ideas to me about his vision for my career and I begin to lay out why he’s wrong and what really needs to be done. This dude was ready for me to be out of his office.

Then there are those times we go through something tough that we brought on to ourselves. And somehow after going through this, we don’t learn from our mistakes. We repeat them. We go back to that toxic relationship. We go back to that “friend” that isn’t a friend at all for introducing us to a highly addictive drug. These are all missed opportunities. And I can promise I’ve had my share and them some. So, I do not judge those that also miss opportunities.

Since this virus has hit America, there has been more division in our country than ever before since the civil war. People have picked a side and will die fighting for a side or an ideal regardless if they’re right or wrong. One side could say the sky is blue and the other will say “Fake news! I looked up and it was orange!” When in reality, they were both right but too divided to know it.

I’ve been praying and hoping there would be a voice of unity. A voice of reason in all this madness. Someone with a national platform that rises up and says something to the effect of “There are great people on BOTH sides of every argument. We must figure out a way to coexist in the middle of our disagreement… like adults!”

I keep thinking that soon it will happen. Someone will figure out a way to get people to put down their pitchforks just long enough to see the humanity in the person they have sworn to hate because their tribe says to. “ALL Biden lovers are lunatics!” or “ALL Trump lovers are racists!” really… anytime you put “ALL” on anything, you corner yourself into a place where you will most certainly be found WRONG.

In my life, I’ve had the fortune of traveling the world playing music and refereeing basketball. One thing that I found very consistent is that in every race and every culture there are: great people, terrible people, classy people, trashy people, people with high integrity and people who’d steal anything they can. There really is NO SUCH THING as “ALL” when referring to human beings… except that they are all human beings. That’s about where it ends.

Unfortunately, while waiting for this voice of reason, I completely stopped hoping it would be our president. While I realize that the things he’s “doing” are incredibly great for our country, the things he “says” aren’t. Yes, he’s taking care of America first and everyone else takes a number and gets in line… for the first time… maybe ever. Yes, he orchestrated the best economy this country has seen in at least 50 years. But the words he continues to say and tweet are at least as divisive as his predecessor. I find myself hoping someone will put him in Twitter time-out.

Trump’s predecessor, Obama, was one of the greatest speakers in American history. I was always a fan of who he was. What he stood for. He was a classy person. He was a family man. A good father and devoted husband. He knew when to lighten up and when to be serious. He knew how to put words together in such a way that they sounded like absolute art.

So when I heard he was speaking at John Lewis’ funeral, I quickly thought… “He’ll be the guy! Obama will say things to unify the country!” I’m not sure why I thought that. He never did it once in 8 years of office. But I thought that his classy nature would prevail and he’d be a voice of reason. No one would listen to Bush. No one would listen to Clinton. No one would listen to Pelosi. But EVERYONE would listen to Obama.

And as he began, the story was inspiring and full of awe. He spoke highly of a man that was worth speaking highly of. A man (J. Lewis) that overcame many obstacles and endured many hardships to make sure “the movement” didn’t die until racism did.

But then, in true presidential-Obama form, he began using his national microphone to push partisan agendas. To divide the country even further. If someone wasn’t angry about political division before, they certainly were after.

This man (Obama) had an opportunity to bring the nation together. He had the ears of Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, LGBTQ, Christians, Muslims, MAGA-bons, Never Trumpers, old, young, black, white, brown… he had the entire country in his hand and…..

He said, to a GROUP of PEOPLE in an INDOOR BUILDING that are sitting in close proximity that “there are those in power that are undermining the Postal Service in an election that is going to be dependant on mailed-in ballots so people don’t get sick.”

Yes, you read that correctly. He told people in an indoor building that coming into an indoor building was hazardous to people’s health while voting. Even Dr Alveda King, niece of the great Martin Luther King Jr., took notice of the missed opportunity. She stated that she was very upset that Obama would “grab at the chance” to politicize this funeral.

He had an opportunity and he missed it. He was the one person the entire country would have followed into unity. But he chose to divide… in equal fashion as our current president. Again, I’m not judging because I’ve had plenty of missed opportunities. Just pointing out the sad reality. So here I sit, still waiting for a national voice of reason to find a way to unify and to stop driving the partisan train into Missed Opportunities.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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The Divided States of America

“I pledge no allegiance to a flag in the divided states of America, and to the republic, which is destroyed, one nation, under control where individual liberties and freedoms are gone.”

I’ve been searching for the root of what we’re seeing. I’ve seen a myriad of symptoms. The anger turned to violence. The violence turned on those who represent hate. But then the violence turned on those who were instrumental in making sure we no longer have slavery, to ensure we don’t have two separate countries… people who fought FOR justice and equality. The statues of U.S. Grant and Frederick Douglas came down… this made no sense.

We are obviously witnessing a cultural, non-violent, civil war. The country is at least as divided as it was under Obama or any other administration, for that matter. And the symptoms are in front of us. But the root isn’t. I truly think the civil unrest that hovers over our nation is due to 2 things: 1- A lack of Identity and 2- Unforgiveness.

Identity: Go back and look. In the 1960’s when LBJ responded to the Moynihan report by incentivizing single mothers to remain single, the welfare state as we know it began to take root. And along with the spike in fatherless homes came their end of the bargain- votes. And with those votes came more free housing and food. Which placed many people in a position to depend on the government and never lay claim to a land of their own. This is NOT relegated to a certain race, by the way. White and black people suffered from this.

One of the ways to tell that this is true is to listen to conversations between people who were raised by people who lived in that system. They always refer to their home as “where they STAY”. “I stay on the north side. Where do you stay?” A buddy of mine wrote a blog on it once and I almost fell out of my chair because finally someone besides me noticed it and mentioned it. The word live isn’t used. Because it would refer to ownership or heritage. And there is neither with those that grew up dependent on the government.

The more ownership you have in something, the less likely you are to want to destroy it. You feel a certain connection to that town or area. You remember the history of that area… good and bad. You revel in the good and learn from the bad. But it’s your town. Your people. I submit that those of us who have a hard time understanding how someone could burn a town down, truly try to understand those that feel displaced. With no American roots. The cultural identity is a huge step in ending the misguided anger that we’re seeing unfold. And it’s up to us to include those who feel displaced to help give them a sense of ownership and pride.

Unforgiveness: When you think of people that have done great things, you remember the greatness of who they were and often overlook the wrong they did. Take a biblical character, for example. Saul/Paul. Paul wrote most of the new testament. Very possibly the largest contributor to the longest running best-selling book in the history of the world. We benefit from the teachings on marriage. On sins. On church. On friendships. We accept all of this knowing that he massacred many Christians prior to becoming a believer himself. Why? Because we know that who he WAS is not who he IS.

Historical figures that paved the way for our country to be the greatest country in the world are a bit messy. Lincoln, Grant, Jefferson, Madison, Washington… the list goes on… ALL owned slaves. Hamilton bought and sold them for his father-in-law. But all of these men accomplished incredible things that paved the way for us to have a free market system surrounded by individual protections that make us, by far, the best country in the world.

So when one mistake is made or discovered, does that discredit any good thing they ever did? I hope not. I RARELY agree with this guy, but truly, Bill Mahar said it best when it comes to cancel culture, “Who are these perfect people that have never made any mistakes?!”

What we’re seeing is an attempt to completely discredit any good thing done by someone who has ever failed in their past. Unfortunately, that would include every single person in the history of the world… except one. And that One taught us to forgive. To look past the transgression itself and into the heart of the person and forgive. This coming from a man that knew He would be betrayed by His own people.

What was the basis of America? The very reason for creating a new country and being willing to fight for this country to the death? Freedom. Freedom from a king’s rule. Freedom from being ruled by the church. Freedom to exist and partake in individual liberties without the fear of an oppressive government dictating and mandating your every move.  

And we got there. Did they make mistakes getting there? Yes. Did America make some mistakes getting to the place we are now? Of course. But we got here. We got to a place where we are more free and more equal than ever before in our nation’s history and more than any other society anywhere in the world. On the backs of humans… who made mistakes. In order to enjoy the benefits, we must forgive the mistakes, learn from the mistakes, and then we can enjoy the successes. If we keep erasing the mistakes, we’ll forget the mistakes… and repeat them. We must figure out a way to return to the UNITED states of America- through identity and forgiveness…. you know what? Forget everything I just said. I actually think it’s sports. That’s why we’ve all gone nuts. We need sports back!!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Facts AND Feelings

I woke up yesterday morning feeling like someone had hit me across my face with a frying pan… but I hadn’t done anything physical to cause that. I woke up feeling an enormous amount of stress, weight and burden… but there were no reasons, currently, in my life to feel that way. But let me back up and explain why I woke up feeling that way.

You see, my whole life I’ve had something that some may call a blessing but I call a curse. I’m extremely observant and as a result, I’m able to insert myself into someone’s life emotionally. I can feel what they feel even if I haven’t experienced it before. I can sense what they are going through even if I have never gone through it before myself. Then it hit me, THIS is what Jesus felt like all the time.

He saw Matthew where he was. He saw Zacchaeus where he was. He saw Mary and the hurt she was dealing with. He saw the adulterer and the shame she felt. And He felt it ALL.

I’ve wrestled my whole life with the dichotomy of my analytical brain and my ability to feel.  Part of me wants to rely solely on facts. In fact, most of me wants to rely solely on facts. They are much more reliable than feelings. But there’s a part of me that can’t hide nor deny that impact of how I feel or how others feel.

The facts of the recent George Floyd case suggest a few things. Another angry man who was given power abused that power and ended the life of someone else. The facts in our country show that every man and woman in 2020 have the same opportunity to be successful. The same opportunity to get a good job. To go to college.

The facts show that, according to Larry Elder, Coleman Hughes, and Thomas Sowell, the number one problem in America, both black and white, is fatherless homes. That the incentives put in place in the 60’s to receive government assistance as long as there is no man in the home, single-handedly caused a spike in fatherless homes. Bringing that number from 25% of black children born in fatherless homes in the 60’s to 75% today. Bringing that number from 8% of white children born to fatherless homes to 25% today.

The facts show that the cop who held his knee down on Floyd wrongfully was abruptly fired the next day and approximately 2 days later was arrested. The exact protocol for anyone in occupations where fatalities are a regular part of the job-EMT, police, fire fighter, military. But STILL, there were protests, riots, and looting. There was still anger. There was still extreme pain. But why? The man that did wrong was held accountable. None of this made any sense to my analytical brain. But I still woke up FEELING the way I did. How is that?

A couple of years ago, my wife once told me how she was feeling about certain people in our life. I just knew that her feeling was wrong and unfounded. And my first reaction was to sling facts at her to prove my point. To be right (BTW- in marriage, a man can be happy or he can be right, but he can’t be both. Ha!). She didn’t feel any better. The primary reason was because I hadn’t listened to her. I heard her speak but I didn’t listen. There’s a difference. Once I stopped trying to be right and LISTENED, We got somewhere. Something else happened, I found that, in a way, she was right. So my facts were subjected to the WHOLE truth, which included feelings.

So what does that mean to us? No matter the race, the gender, the occupation, the whole story will always consist of two parts… FACTS AND FEELINGS. You really can’t have one without the other. I’m a big fan of the statement, “Facts don’t care about your feelings”, but I do! It’s true, facts are just facts. But I care about your feelings. It’s part of the story… part of your story.

The emotion of what happened to many black people’s grandparents is still very real. The feeling of what happened to young black men growing up is very real. Should we all be following the law and doing as law enforcement says when approached? Of course. But no one deserves to die over small issues and when something like that happens, it’s like the entire country takes a huge step backwards. The emotion of our nation’s past rises up… then we’re left with a decision. Start throwing facts… or start listening.

From watching all of the peaceful protests closely, I can tell you there was a theme. LISTEN. They want to be heard. I can also tell you from being married there’s a theme… LISTEN… she wants to be heard.

I’ve found that if I will just listen first and react or respond after, truly listen, I will have a much more compassionate response to what I’m hearing from my wife. And as a result, she will be quicker to hear me out. This applies to all walks of life. “It’s not what you’re saying, it’s how you’re saying it!” I’ve heard that a lot from my wife.

So as I woke up yesterday feeling the weight of the world, I finally realized why. I’m feeling all of the people that just want to be heard, peacefully. If there was ever a time to listen first and respond later, it’s 2020. The whole story cannot be told by facts alone. Feelings are valid and help tell the whole story. Every black person I know cares about white lives. Every white person I know cares about black lives. For the first time, I stopped slinging facts and listened. I then realized that “Black Lives Matter” meant that they want to be heard. No one will listen to your facts until you’ve listened to their feelings. I challenge you to start listening to someone that doesn’t look like you. Sit down for a coffee, a meal, and listen to what they have to say with an open mind. It’s the only way we bridge the gap that clearly exists.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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What Is Your Why?

This isn’t a new concept. I didn’t coin the phrase. But the conversation still needs to be had. We still need to be transparent about our why. This is particularly difficult for men. Men “don’t need nobody’s help!” Expressing why we do what we do or why we are who we are means expressing how we feel… and, well, we just can’t be doing that. We may have to turn in our man card. But what if it wasn’t all mushy and sensitive? What if it was real, meat-and-taters kind of stuff? Would we be good with it then?

I referee high school and college basketball. Years ago, I began to strike up a friendship with someone I had known, but up until now, not this closely. We’ll call him “Jeff”. He was very successful. He knew I looked up to him in the officiating community. He agreed to mentor me and invest in me to be a better referee. One day I call him up, very frustrated. I told him I needed to meet with him. He agreed to meet. I began telling him how frustrated I would get when I went to my high school assignments. I was mainly frustrated with the fact that many refs didn’t seem to want to get better. Quite a few were not very good and it didn’t seem to matter. No one seemed to care.

Jeff could sense that I had poured myself in to this profession and did everything I could to be better than the game before. But those around me at the high school level didn’t seem to have the same desire. He began to ask me questions about these refs. “When was the last time you asked these refs about their lives. Where they work. Are they married? Any kids?” I did not see his point at first. To those that know me, this isn’t coming as a shock. He told me to start asking these questions when I was in the locker room before a game. He then told me to get the first name of the bookkeeper and the first name of the clock keeper of every game I officiated. He assured me these things would help my games go smoother and my frustration would decrease significantly.

I could not, for the life of me, figure out why it mattered whether they were married or not and what it had to do with being a good ref. Not knowing why, and thinking he sounded a little crazy, I did what he suggested anyway. And when I did, everything changed. EVERYTHING.

Each game, as I sat down in the locker room with the other refs, I began to ask these questions. And each time, I began to learn more about them. I began to become closer friends with them. I began to like them more. Understand them more. Then when they made a bad call, it wasn’t a big deal anymore. Because I understood who they were. And it superseded what they were doing on the court. I also started getting the names of the bookkeeper and clock keeper and my games started getting smoother and smoother. Why would it matter that I call them by first name? Because when I needed them and called them by their first name, there was an immediate friendship/relationship and they quickly wanted to help me… because we were friends now. It was about the relationship.

I became friends with another ref during all of this. We’ll call him “Josh”. I told him about the paradigm shift I had. He just chuckled at me. One night, I had a game with Josh and he had a family medical emergency. He had just begun working for the assigner and called me to ask what to do. I advised him that the assigner was a good guy and would understand and to call him right away. I went to the game with the replacement ref. Afterwards, on my way home, I called Josh to ask how everything was. He told me his situation was going to be fine. He thanked me for asking then said, “You really are taking this new approach seriously!” I told him that if I’m learning anything, it’s that officiating isn’t about just the sport. In fact, it isn’t primarily about the sport. It’s about the relationships. It’s about the camaraderie. It’s about being in a battle and the only friends you have are the ones with the stripes on. He and I became better friends after that.

So my “why” began to get clearer. Why do I officiate? Why would anyone sign up to be yelled at, belittled and berated on a nightly basis? The answer is simple, the relationships. Someone asked me why I started writing blogs. I felt it was something God told me to do. My wife concurred with that belief.  She would push me to write when I didn’t want to. The last blog I wrote, I put on to social media and it got ONE… 1 like. So why would I keep writing? The relationship I have with God. It’s about his people. Not how good or bad I may write. I may write a terrible blog, and those around me know me. They understand who I am and, all of the sudden, it isn’t a big deal that I suck at writing. Okay, maybe I don’t suck all the time. Haha.

I’ll leave you with this. The story of Jesus going up to pray right before he was arrested is an interesting one. This is where we see the true story. Jesus asked God to find another way. He asked God if there was any other way, let’s do that! He quickly got His answer. So what was Jesus’ why? His relationship with His Father. The proper perceptive here is this: Jesus didn’t die for us. Jesus died because of His love and obedience for His Father and because of that, we are saved. The real “why” in this story is the relationship. What’s your “why”? Why do you do the things you do? What drives you to be who you are? Are you satisfied with that person? When you really learn your why, chances are it will be connected to a relationship. And when you do define your why, buckle up. Because everything changes… for the better.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Remember

The country is at a stand still over the corona virus. We all see it. It’s not hard not to be worried or anxious. Some in the middle Tennessee area have been ransacked by the tornadoes and are still in the middle of finding a new normal. How do we move forward? By looking back. By remembering.

I remember… I was still fairly new to our community of Hermitage, TN in the early 90’s. We had just moved there. My best childhood friend and his mom (and brother) moved to Tennessee from Louisiana at the same time we did, which was also right after his dad passed away. They followed my dad here, who was their pastor. Then came the call. This friend decided to play Russian roulette and the gun fired. I rushed to the hospital. They were working to keep him alive. The doctor came out at one point to say he was responding and may pull through. Soon after, he returned with news that I didn’t want to hear about my 14-year-old friend. He was gone.

I remember… at the funeral, a large number of people from our school showed up in support. Then all of the sudden, something very unexpected happened. I was surrounded by these people that I didn’t know very well because they knew I had grown up with him. I remember all of the outpouring of community definitely surprised me and allowed me to cope much better. I still wasn’t sure how I’d keep going… but I did.

I remember… developing a friendship with a guy soon after My childhood friend’s death who had just moved here from Indiana. We were instant best friends. Stayed close all through high school and after school. He married and moved to Arkansas. We were on the phone one Saturday talking about his plans to move back to Tennessee. We talked about how we both had small children who hadn’t met each other yet and we were going to raise them like cousins. He was starting a business and wanted me to work for him. The following Tuesday, all of those plans ended on interstate 40 in Arkansas. Again, I wasn’t sure how I’d keep going… but I did. I remember all of the calls I received.

Now I’ve survived various flu pandemics, Y2k, being a sports referee and being a girl dad. Pretty tough things. And now I’m staring at, yet again, another obstacle that scares the masses. But one thing I’ve learned about obstacles, no matter the situation… every. Single. Time. God uses it to bring people closer to Him, to each other and we are all stronger on the other side. Every Time.

This situation is no different. When the dust settles on the mass threat of the corona virus, people will be closer to each other. Already, people are publicly praying that wouldn’t normally be praying. People are turning to God in a very similar fashion as that of 9-11-01. But what if you’ve done all you can and something else hits? I feel like I’d be prepared. But I’m really not sure.

You’ve managed to miss being hit by the tornadoes in Tennessee. Then comes the corona virus. You take precautions and manage to miss being hit by that too. Chances are, you’ve also missed catching the various flu pandemics throughout our nation’s history. You’re in the shape of your life… only to find out you have Lymphoma cancer. How do you fight? I don’t know, but my close friend will fight… and I’m going to learn from him. I’m going to learn how to face all of these seemingly insurmountable odds and overcome. I’m going to learn about the “quality of life” many have spoken about. I’m also going to learn more about community. About how your community wraps its arms around you and gives you hope and a reason to push through. And one day, I’m going to look back and remember these moments and see what he came through… and subsequently, what I’m capable of.

Here’s the thing, with each trial, there’s always a new normal. A new normal that brings a stronger community unit. A new normal that brings a new sense of hope. Every time there’s a trial, God shows up. In each of my difficult times in life, He showed up in some way, every single time. It wasn’t some angel flying down from a cloud playing a harp in a toga outfit. It was JESUS IN PEOPLE.

I can’t convince you to not worry about this. But I can remind you that you’ve faced tougher things before and you’re still here. I can remind you that on 9-12-01, there were no republicans or democrats. There were no black or white people, just Americans. People were quick to extend a hand to a fellow American. We are in similar times. Remember what you’ve come through. Remember how you were stronger afterwards. Remember what you’ve accomplished. REMEMBER, you have overcome before…don’t stop now. Don’t lose sight of community. Don’t let fear own you. Don’t let what you see dictate what you do. But let who you know dictate what you do… and REMEMBER.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Parenting: Persistence and Practical Application (Part 2)

We discussed perspectives and pitfalls in part 1. Now let’s look at some persistence and practical applications. Here are ten (10) things we can do as parents to truly prepare our child to be ready for the world and for you to have a peaceful home along the way:

1-Currency. I didn’t really spank my kids much. Obviously, I firmly believe in it, but they’re girls and I knew my anger/temper and didn’t want to hurt them physically. What I did was make sure that the consequence hurt. Whatever they were being punished for was going to hurt so they wouldn’t forget it. I found their “currency” at the time and removed it. Whatever is important to them, it’s gone when they don’t listen the first time. I made my daughter sit by me as a punishment because she loves to be active and moving. So I made her sit still. I also didn’t let her complain about what she didn’t like. I let her know there’s a consequence for that too. As a result, she sat still and quiet. She did so for 20 minutes solid without a peep one day as a 4-year-old. Then she didn’t repeat the mistake. She learned. I did that without ever raising my voice once.

2- Don’t let your children work you against each other. Always come with a united front, even if you’re arguing about something or don’t even like the spouse. They will smell a weak union and attack. It’s in a child’s nature. If a child asks for something and one parent says no, if that child asks the other parent, the answer should automatically be no, regardless of what they’re asking for and an additional punishment should be handed down. That will stop and there will be peace in your home. Otherwise, you’re asking for chaos.

3- Obedience should come before love. Know that you’re in control. He/She is a child. He needs to obey first and then his life will be more fun. He can love on you AFTER he has obeyed you. That’s something all kids do. They start loving and hugging to get out of obeying. “but mom, I love you!” your response should be “if you love me, then obey me.” Remember that a child is learning from every single thing you do, don’t do, say and don’t say. They learn from EVERYTHING.

4- Teach them to fear you. The Bible talks about something called “Righteous fear” or “Holy fear”. It’s real and it needs to be in every child. They need to have a healthy/righteous fear of the adults in their life. The way you know if he fears you is if you tell him to do something- pick something up- and he does it the first time, he fears you. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t believe you’re going to follow through with your threats. Therefore, he doesn’t fear you. That has to change. Because one day he’s going to try that on a teacher or law enforcement and it won’t go well.

5- Never give a toddler what he/she cries for. Make them stop crying then ask politely with a smile on their face. The moment you give a child something because they cried for it, they learn that this is how you get what you want.

6- Restore peace by limiting the number of responses to a “No”. Also teach the child that if the answer is no, there are certain responses that are unacceptable. I tell my kids, “Your adversity can’t define you. But your response to it WILL!” I also limit the number of “But…”. I tell them if they ask one more time, there will be consequence. Guess what happens, peace is restored.

7- Always have 2 sets of punishments ready for a teenager. One for if they tell truth and the other if they lie. They should always be positively reinforced for telling the truth and the punishment should be lighter. This will encourage them to bring you the truth every time. Also, the only way to keep an open door of communication with a teenager is to assure them that no matter what they bring you, that you won’t get angry and blow up. But rather that you’ll sit down and talk it through. If they know they can talk to you and tell you they drank alcohol at a party the other night without you getting angry and just talking to them about it, they will bring it to you. If you blow up and get angry, they’ll never bring another thing to you. There has to be a level of trust both ways.

8- Everything belongs to you. With teenagers, the sooner you establish the expectation that everything in the house belongs to you, whether they bought it or not, the more peaceful your time will be. Teenagers have to be saved from themselves and reminded daily that they are not grown. If you want their phone, it’s yours. If you want their room, it’s yours. That expectation will make your life as a parent much easier.

9- Don’t sugar coat life for them. Let them see the good and not so good. Keep an open dialogue about these things. If everything is always taboo, they’re going to go and try to find out why it’s so taboo. If you’ve already discussed it and gave them examples of the consequences, they are much less likely to fall in the same trap.

10- Make a point to teach him/her how to act in public. Let him know that there are different standards for home and public places like church and restaurants. Your job is to teach. Prepare him for life after high school. I’m sure your kid is a good kid, but he won’t be for long if he is allowed to do anything he wants without consistent consequence. My mom always said she didn’t want to raise a kid no one wants to be around. If we implement obedience habits now, the rest of their life, their relationships with teachers, law enforcement, professors, spouses, children, bosses and God, will be much smoother and healthier.

I know- it’s a lot. And it’s much easier said than done. But, unfortunately, at the end of the day, when it comes to parenting, a lot more is said than done. Begin to view your children as God’s treasure that is in your care to prepare for the world we live in. That perspective will make this journey more fulfilling. Don’t lose heart. Don’t give up. Surround yourself with parents that you want to be like and other parents that are in a similar stage of life as you. And remember, there are perfect parents out there… they just don’t have kids yet.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger