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Equality or Superiority?

Imagine if it was taboo to eat banana pudding. Then one day, it becomes widely accepted and quite normal to enjoy banana pudding. So much that if you are caught saying you don’t like the taste of banana pudding, you’re inciting violence and using hate speech. It’s not enough that everyone is now allowed to eat banana pudding. You have to be chastised, sued and prosecuted if you DON’T like banana pudding because that goes against my personal preference and I’ve been a banana pudding fan for many years and didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. That sounds ridiculous, but that’s exactly where we are.

We’ve seen groups of people in our country through the years, treated very poorly. Native Americans, Irish Americans, Women… and so on. This country certainly has a dark history of spotlighting groups of people and oppressing them. I don’t take lightly, for a moment, the barbaric fabric of the civil atrocities that took place in our nation’s history. I believe it hurt many people. I believe the cuts are still healing. For women, for Irish-Americans, homosexuals, and so on. It isn’t as easy to just say, “We’re good. Move on!” It’s just not that easy. But this country also has a long history of righting those mistakes and moving forward. We have native American women that occupy public office positions in government now. We are moving in the right direction.

As someone who didn’t have to endure any of that, I tread lightly on this subject. But it needs to be addressed nonetheless. These various groups of people had different responses to their oppression. The emotional toll it takes on its victims is staggering. The anger, feeling of rejection, bitterness, depression that comes with being treated so poorly is very real. The problem comes when the wrong has been corrected, but the anger and resentment are still there. Then what do we do?

That’s where this conversation gets difficult. When a group of people are being done wrong, the ones that overcame that, did so by mob rule. I don’t mean that bad, at all. I mean that as a necessity because no one would listen until an entire group of people just rose up and said they’d had enough! It took that level of fight to get everyone’s attention to the civil atrocities taking place in our country.

Eventually, those wrongs were fixed. They were corrected. There is statistical evidence to show that those civil atrocities no longer exist on a wide-scale, or institutional basis. We are now, statistically, more equal and more fair than ever before in the history of our country. But what happens when we’ve reached this level of equality, but it doesn’t FEEL like it?

It is precisely at this moment when we leave the arena of legislation and enter the realm of personal responsibility. If we have been given equal access to civility, but we still feel disenfranchised, angry, resentful, bitter, frustrated, then we sometimes go with our feelings instead of the facts. We leave the feelings unchecked. And if the feeling is still there, then surely, we are NOT EQUAL, right?! Again, you can’t legislate overcoming emotional damage. The damage is real. And as I’ve said before, it’s okay to not be okay. But it’s not okay to willingly stay there. Personal responsibility leads us to a place where we understand that, yes, we were done wrong. But that has been rectified. I’m still angry about what happened but I want to heal and move in a forward direction.

The problem is, not everyone can do that. And when they don’t, society pays the price. When equality has been reached, but you don’t feel like it has, you are forced to continue to press on to what you believe is actual equality- which is, in reality, superiority. You begin to buy in to the notion that everyone owes you because you were done wrong for so long. Those that you believe did you wrong should pay and pay and continue to pay… then pay some more. They should lose rights while you gain more. Which is a tangible example of inequality through superiority. “I get to have my own type of business that’s only for my people. You can’t have one!” That, in itself, is NOT equal, but superior. “I get to be over you. I get to partake in certain things in life that you can’t.” Again, superior, not equal.

Unfortunately, American society has reached a place where the feelings are taking total precedent over the facts and statistical data. And we have entirely lost our ability to engage in civil discourse. If you don’t agree with me, then you are spewing hate speech, some would lead you to believe.  

Why did Chik-fil-A make the proclamation that they did? I have no idea. They are allowed to distribute their donation funds wherever they want. But, unfortunately, it appears that the purpose is to avoid having to stand up for personal and religious rights, which include the right to free speech and right to religious expression. 

Hear me clearly: to be pro-God DOES NOT mean you are anti-LGBT. God is pro everyone. That includes LGBT. Every human being. The only disagreement is whether or not it is acceptable or wrong to be homosexual in the eyes of God. But this has nothing to do with how I’m going to treat you, or anyone else for that matter. I can disagree with you and not hate you. I’ve been instructed by my God to love my neighbor as myself. He didn’t say, love him as long as he is just like you. He simply said to love him.

Where does this leave us? Back to the conversation of personal responsibility. We should be tired of being the victim and begin to live victoriously. We should never wait for the government to determine our destiny or direction in life. We should never rely on government for anything. We should decide that although there are times when we are done wrong, the entire group of people that person represents isn’t responsible. Just that person. We should get to a place where we stop blaming groups for the immoral and unethical acts of individuals. If we can get there, we stop looking for superiority and can rest in the equality of our nation. Great… now I’m hungry for waffle fries and banana pudding!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Image vs Reality

We see it on Instagram and Facebook every day. The image is surreal. Utopia. But the reality is damage control and brokenness. We, as a society, spend so much time creating an image that doesn’t represent who we are at all. We do this for various reasons. But, unfortunately, the church is the world’s worst!

I’ll never forget a friend of mine in the 5th grade. His image was that of perfection. The best clothes. The nicest backpack. Everyone wanted to be like him. Then came the day I was invited to his house after a soccer game. He didn’t seem wild about that. But his mom was being nice, so I went. When I get there, I get the real picture. His dad was verbally abusive. The house was rather dirty- like “dirt” dirty. Filth. Not what you’d expect from the golden boy of 5th grade. He seemed miserable and embarrassed the entire time I was there. The next day at school, he was avoiding me but managing to keep up the pretty boy, “got it all together” image. Even as a 10 yr old, I knew that he wasn’t going to be any less miserable until he sought help. That pretending to be someone he wasn’t was only going to prolong the inevitable. No, I didn’t know what “inevitable” meant when I was 10. You know what I mean! HA.

The various reasons: The primary reason is the need to feel accepted. That need to be a part of something. We can’t let anyone know we don’t have it all together or they may not want to hang out with us. They may talk bad about me. I’ve always said that if we knew how little they actually thought or cared about us, we wouldn’t spend so much time worrying about what they think of us. But that need to be accepted is real. And it’s not going away. Also, this need to feel accepted is connected to what we put our hope in. Unfortunately, if our hope is in something that only lasts for a while, our need to be accepted by that which lasts a little while will damage us.

The solution here is to seek that which lasts forever. Seek people with that common bond. I know many reading this hate church. But this is exactly where you find this common bond. You’re there joined by an eternal purpose. It supersedes everything else. These people aren’t exactly your best friends, but they are there no matter what, when you’re dealing with a tough issue. That’s because of that eternal connection. The need to feel accepted begins and ends with an attachment to your maker. But this, in itself, creates another problem. Church Faces.

This is another reason people create images that aren’t true. Fear of someone knowing what they’re really going through. We all tend to put on faces to pretend everything is okay, especially those in church. People in churches put on church faces to pretend everything is just fine when, in reality, it’s not at all. The sooner the church people take off their “church faces”, the sooner people outside the church will want to come in. The image you need to create there, is one of acceptance. Yet another difficulty for church people. “I know for a fact that he’s gay. I’m not hugging him.” Or “I saw him doing cocaine in the bathroom at a restaurant last week. I can’t be seen with him.” This has to end. It has to stop. They need to see nothing but love and acceptance and let God do the convicting. But no one will come in if they think you have it all together. They can’t compete or be a part of that. They seek people who have problems like the ones they have. If you take your “church face” off, they’ll see that you have issues like them, and they’ll come in and together you’ll work through them.

The solution here is to be vulnerable. You can only experience the level of love that matches the level of vulnerability you have. The more vulnerable you are, the more love you experience. In that vulnerability, you find 3 things: 1- there are others dealing with what you’re dealing with. 2- it’s ok to be dealing with this problem. You don’t have to keep it a secret. 3- It’s not ok to stay there like it’s some private club you’re a part of. Right there, you’ll able to identify the problem, share it with others dealing with the same problem and begin to work on a way out. This can only come if you stop worrying about who knows what you’re really going through. Taking off the church face.

I personally believe that church faces have contributed to the rise in suicides among Christian pastors. The enemy has accomplished a few things. He managed to convince the pastor that he needs to pretend everything is ok. He’s also convinced him that his ministry will be much better off if he’s not in it, especially if someone finds out what he’s dealing with. The enemy has also convinced him that in putting on the church face, in order for no one to find out what he’s really dealing with, he must isolate himself. And once the enemy has you isolated, it’s open season. He simply takes aim and fires bullets relentlessly. But it started with church faces.

For this reason, I hate church faces. I hope after reading this, you do too. If you’re in a place where you can’t be you and still be accepted, find a new place. There are plenty around. God can only be a part of something if 2 things exist, Obedience and Love… in that order. You want to see people’s lives changed? Let them know they’re not alone in their every day struggles. That being a Jesus follower doesn’t mean you rid yourself of issues. It means that you have a new hope that is bigger than the issues you face.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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You Can’t Judge Me

You can’t! Or can you? This phrase gets misused…often. So I figured it’s about time I addressed it. We all hear it. Especially when someone has done something very wrong or just used very poor judgment. To be clear, I’ve done both of those many times. So in that regard, I don’t “judge” anyone either. But is that an acceptable response when we do those things?

To be clear, I’m firmly of the belief that there is forgiveness for anything. That God is bigger than your problems. That you didn’t do anything to earn God’s love, so you can’t do anything to lose it. I believe that no matter how “big” the mistake, God is bigger and ready to move forward and move on. I also believe that if there is a true change of heart, then you accept the fact that God loves you where you are but loves you too much to leave you where you are. Having said that, when confronted by someone with the realization that what you’re doing is wrong, if your go-to phrase is “you can’t judge me!”, then we’re no longer talking about someone that is looking for help. We’re now talking about someone that refuses help, thus completely stifling your growth as a person.  

Here’s the thing about that phrase. It’s usually used as an attempt to remove shame and/or attention. “You aren’t perfect, so you can’t judge me.” It’s also become a self-serving license to live how we want with zero accountability for our actions. “I can do whatever I want and you can’t judge me!” Obviously, neither is good or correct.

The first, “you aren’t perfect, so you can’t judge me”, If that’s where we live our lives, we only go backwards… at a fast pace. No one is perfect. So when you steal someone’s wallet for the 14th time in 2 months right after you got out of jail for the same offense, you still want no one to judge you? I’m not saying there isn’t help. What I’m saying is, if you have the propensity to make the same bad decision over and over, or even make a bunch of different bad decisions over and over, you need someone in your life “judging” you to help you fix the wrong path you’re on and improve the quality of your life. Claiming that no is perfect so no one can judge you allows you to just stay in same rut you’ve been in and dig it even deeper.

“I can do whatever I want and you can’t judge me.” This one is closely related. But maybe even worse. At least when you claim no one is perfect, you’re admitting what you’re doing is wrong on many levels. But doing whatever you want implies you have no intention of bettering yourself or just stopping the destructive behavior. This phrase often comes from a place of anger, resentment and on the defense. You feel attacked and are making yourself feel justified. You’re on a fast track to total destruction and You’re making every excuse why it’s ok. Well it’s not ok.

And what’s interesting is the verse people quote when they’re making this point. Luke 6:42 “How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite.” And this is where they stop.

They’ve justified their own transgressions. The problem is there’s more to the verse… “first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” He didn’t say you can’t point out the speck, He only said take your plank out first, THEN you’ll see the speck clearly.

This implies that we are, most certainly, supposed to judge each other. At least that’s what this passage says, “These are the things which you should do: speak the truth with one another; judge with truth and pronounce the judgment that brings peace in [the courts at] your gates.” ZECHARIAH 8:16 AMP

So what now? Start pointing fingers? Nope. Continue to open your arms to those that are struggling. Those that don’t know another way until you show them. Continue to remember the chains that God set you free from. Continue to celebrate with those making tough but eternal decisions. But also live your life with accountability. Surround yourself with people that will call you out (or judge you) and push you to be a better person. Stop using this phrase as a crutch and a license to stop growing as a person. Anything that comes easy, probably isn’t worth very much. It’s not easy to grow as a person. It’s not easy to be walking one direction and make a turn in the other, knowing you may lose some friends along the way. It’s tough. But it’s worth it in the long run. You can judge me… but always in love! 

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Hope in the Tunnel- Part 2: Your Story

In the first part, I told you my story. It’s an ugly story. But It’s a victorious and hopeful story too. Now let’s talk about your story… or someone you know.

Anxiety- “Intense, excessive, and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations.” That’s the definition from the Mayo clinic.

First, if you want to hear an amazing message about worry, click HERE! It will change your life.

There are two different sides to this conversation telling two very different stories. One says, “It’s all in your head. You’re making this stuff up. Get up, get over it and move on!” The other side says, “It’s who I am! Nothing can change me. I just need to learn to deal with the new me.” I’m here to tell you that neither is true.

It’s not all in their heads. They didn’t consciously choose this. And in most cases, they don’t want this. They can’t just get over it and move on. It’s not that simple. For the time being, it owns them. But there’s hope in the tunnel.

The problem here though, is that some don’t seem to want out of the tunnel bad enough to make hard short-term decisions that have long term affects. In many cases, to remove the propensity for anxiety, you must remove that which is leading you there. And often times the very thing that is causing you anxiety is the thing or person that you love the most. That’s where this whole thing gets very tough. For some, it may take making the toughest decision of your life NOW in order to live a peaceful life LATER. Fear not, someone will be there to hold your hand all the way out of the tunnel.

For some, it has become a new identity. They see how people come to their rescue and defense. So this “can’t be a bad thing.” This comes from either 1- not enough attention growing up or 2- having your parents’ life revolve around you, then getting out in to the real world and realizing it’s nothing like that at all. No one cares as much as they did… until you had anxiety. Now they care! The glamorization of this is sickening. There’s nothing glamorous about it. Stop wearing it like a badge. Don’t be ashamed of it, but don’t be proud of it either. I’m telling you that you DON’T HAVE TO STAY IN THE TUNNEL.

The anxiety itself, is a symptom. Never the problem. Address the problem and the symptom is cured. I know it’s not that easy, but it is possible! If it’s not possible, then we don’t serve a very mighty God. If it’s not possible, then why did Paul say in 2nd Timothy 1:7, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind”…? Which one sounds like anxiety… power, love, sound mind… or fear? And if God doesn’t give it, then who does? The enemy. SO IT. MUST. GO. Remember, fear and worry are at the core of anxiety. So if God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear, then He hasn’t given us anxiety either… He want’s you to be free of it! Maybe not right this second, but eventually.

I firmly believe that NO ONE is called to have anxiety. That you’re just stuck with it. That you’ll have it forever. I firmly believe that it’s not “who you are”. It may be where you are… but THERE IS HOPE IN THE TUNNEL.

Depression- “A mental health disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life.” That is the definition given by the Mayo Clinic.

Something that I firmly believe is that depression is more rampant today than maybe in any society in the history of our nation. There was a study done among high school students listing the top ten things students struggled with during high school. During the 1990’s, the #1 thing listed was drugs and alcohol. In today’s schools, drugs and alcohol are #10. The number one thing they struggle with today is anxiety and depression. That’s #1!

Many people in general, and especially students, have lost their sense of hope and belonging. They have lost, or never known, their place on earth. Identity is huge. My dad once dealt with this first hand as he was concluding one era of his ministry. He felt lost if he wasn’t pastoring. God spoke to him very clearly and said, “Who you are is a child of God. You are my son. Pastoring is what you DO.” This perspective has to permeate in your heart and mind. The quicker someone understands that who they are is completely wrapped up in who God is, the quicker they find their place, purpose, and calling.

I’ve been drafting this over the course of a week and in the middle of it, after I had written 75% of it, a young lady, a 14 year old freshman at my daughter’s school, decided to take her life. Her particular situation was bullying. But loss of hope was the key. The bullies took that hope. This thing is real. I’m a girl-dad so this crushes me. In the midst of this, I have been proud of both of my daughters in that school system. They told me they have been actively pursuing kids who are eating by themselves in order to help them feel included and combat depression. They hadn’t seen this particular girl and stated that had she been alone in any setting where they were, they would’ve pursued her. I love their hearts. I also feel terrible for this girl that she felt this was the only way out of her tunnel.

Community and service. That is how we get out of the tunnel. These truths are really the only thing that allowed me to get out of the tunnel as fast as I did. It isn’t always that fast. But knowing that if I am still breathing… God’s not done… this kept me going. That and my daughters. 

Getting out of that tunnel took real people, with real problems of their own reaching out to me and not letting me go backwards in the tunnel. It took community. I read about an experiment where they put a rat in a cage and gave it two options of water. One was regular water and the other was drug laced water. Each rat they experimented on, without exception, always chose the drug laced water and almost always overdosed quickly and died. Then they noticed something. They were putting the rat in there alone. What if they create a rat heaven community? Would they still want the drug water? So they put multiple rats in there of both genders, loads of cheese and tunnels. Then comes the amazing part, they all…100% of them chose the normal water and NONE chose the drug water. The solution was community. Whether we like it or not, we were called to be co-dependent.

Again, I’ll say, Community and service are clearly the keys out of the tunnel. Serve someone. Do something for someone else. You will quickly find yourself noticing a light at the end of that tunnel. And the more you are in your community and serving others, the brighter that light gets. Next thing you know, you’re out of the tunnel and you’re helping someone else out of their tunnel. You simply can NOT let yourself, or someone else, be isolated!

Isolation is the #1 tool of the enemy.

So please, keep your eyes and ears open. When you see someone in a tunnel, be the voice that guides them out. If you’re reading this and you’re the one in the tunnel, hold on, there’s HOPE IN THE TUNNEL!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Hope in the Tunnel- Part 1: My Story

I’m in a tunnel… and I don’t see an end to the tunnel. It’s so dark that I can’t see my hand in front of my face. Can’t see directions. Can’t tell if life is going on around me. Or if I’m just stuck in some chasm of hopelessness.

That pretty much summed where I was a few years back. But the story didn’t end there. While I was in the tunnel, a few things happened. First, I prayed the same prayer every single night for at least a year. “Lord, please take me in my sleep. I don’t want to wake up.” I really prayed this. Over and over. And began to get mad at God that He wasn’t listening. I was already mad at God for what had happened to get me here. More about that in a moment.

Though I couldn’t see around me, those around me knew I was there. They decided to guide me from place to place in this tunnel. I still couldn’t see but I could hear them. “No, don’t walk that way, walk this way.” Over time, I began to rely on those voices. I began to enjoy those voices. I began to believe those voices were around me for a reason. So little by little, God used those people to guide me further and further until I began to see a light. It was very dim, but it was there. And the more I headed in a forward direction, the brighter the light became. Until eventually, I was out of the tunnel.

How did I get there? In 2011, I got the call that I had received many times before, but this time it was crippling… it was final. Warner Brothers had officially passed on me and my band after we had verbally discussed and agreed on terms. Something happened within the label that made them bail on me at the last second and refused to sign any new acts for a while. The problem was, I was 36 years old. No one is looking for the next big 36 year old. I knew right then I had to hang it up. Grow up and get a real job.

Why was I so angry? Because I wasn’t trying to get a record deal to get famous or rich. I was doing exactly what I truly believed God had called me to. My talents, my desires, my surroundings. I received confirmation from many Godly people, including 3 pastors, that I was called to be light in a dark place. And that country music was to be my outlet. I’d given all of my “college” years, my “working up the corporate ladder” years, my “building my business” years… doing music. Now I was 15 years behind everyone my age in every aspect of life… all for doing what I thought God wanted! So after 15 years of sacrifice and heartache and disappointment, to have nothing to show for it was more than devastating. I felt like I was having a funeral. Like I was burying someone close to me. What happened next was worse.

I became very numb. Very cynical. Very bitter. And worse, very apathetic. Nothing phased me. I was grieving. I poured myself into officiating basketball. Anything to get away from my constant reminder that I was a total failure. But if that wasn’t bad enough, this funk I’d found myself in, greatly contributed to the end of a 14 year marriage. Which resulted in once seeing my daughters every day, to seeing them every other weekend. Well now I’ve done it… I’ve gone and made sure I’m a TOTAL failure. This is where I fully enter the tunnel.

So how did I get out? Jesus… in friends. A certain group of friends took me in and welcomed me in their “clique”. That was the beginning. A couple of old friends came in to my rescue as well. These people wouldn’t let me stay in the tunnel. They wouldn’t settle for “I’m tired, I think I’ll stay home.” They pulled and tugged until I was hanging out and laughing with them. In the midst of all of this, I found myself helping these people. I found myself helping other people with these people. I found myself less worried about my problems and more concerned about… OTHERS.

What I’ve learned about this topic is… the way out of this tunnel had a few characteristics.

*People. Jesus didn’t send a fancy angel flying down from the clouds. He sent people. People that didn’t even know they were being sent.

*Serving. Getting out of my own way and helping others.

*Lack of judging. No one cared that I wasn’t as successful as most people my age. No one shunned me, kept me out. It was open arms. And I had to be ok with them knowing everything wasn’t ok. And hoping they didn’t judge me, which they didn’t.

*Decisions. I had to consciously choose to make better decisions going forward. Starting with owning my contribution to my divorce. What can I do better? What can I learn from?

*Renewed love for God and His people. I still don’t have a clear answer as to why I believed for so long that God wanted me to do something, only to find out I was wrong the entire 15 years. Why God didn’t stop me at some point and say, “Hey, this isn’t going to work. Go do something else.” But because of how I was taught and how I believe, I remembered that God never changes. He’s still God. And while I still don’t know why my life went the way it did, it doesn’t change who He is and what He wants for us and from us. That’s the short version of my story.

I learned some valuable lessons about that tunnel. I’ve been hearing many people talk about their tunnel. I’ll address that in the next part.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Is It Live or Is It Memorex?

During the late 70’s and early 80’s, there was a commercial campaign for a video tape that was so clear, you couldn’t tell the difference. During that time, this was revolutionary. For the first time, a recording didn’t have all kinds of visual blemishes.

In 2019, this is definitely not an issue. But what is an issue is what we are being told is real. We’re being told that our society is going down the drain. That our future is in the hands of people that eat tide pods. That everyone believes there are 497 genders… except you. That all white people are racists. All black people cause problems. All cops are crooked. All pastors want their secretaries more than their wives. All teachers sleep with their students. All music stars are jerks. All men talk down to women. Here’s the reality… that’s not even close to the truth. Not even in the zip code.

As I live my life with the people I do life with, I find a few things. First, they are various races, one of two genders, different ages, and don’t eat tide pods. In general, they’re good people. You, those that are reading this, are good people. I encounter cops that are changing tires on the side of the road. Pastors that show up to a hospital at 2am to be there as comfort for the family. Teachers that buy supplies for children that can’t afford them- when they, themselves, don’t make much money at all. Music stars being extremely generous. Men that open doors for women and protect them on a daily basis. Dads that go out of their way to be good dads in the face of a fatherless society. That’s what I see!

So why do we hear so much about the extreme minority? Well, you already know the answer. Media. It’s their job to present news that isn’t everyday, ordinary news. So the mass majority of the country that believes there are two genders, just isn’t news. We all know that actual, literal journalism is almost completely dead in our country. Everything has an angle. The money that supports these media outlets have agendas, opinions that they want to pass off as facts.

One of the reasons this is possible is because of our need for drama. If I post a positive story on a “Hip” page on FB, I’ll get 10 likes. If say something negative, controversial, trolling,  I’ll get 10,000 likes. It’s just where we are. We are all drawn to problem solving. So here’s some REAL news for you. Just in recent past, the following happened:

*My 17 yr old daughter, who never wanted to be at my house, said she wasn’t ever comfortable there until recently. She asked if she could spend the night. That is a YUGE development. She is now extremely comfortable here. I had missed my daughter and was hurting because of the proverbial distance. This small thing felt amazing. It renewed my faith in my parenting. I really wasn’t sure if what I was doing was right. Apparently it worked.

*My 18 yr old bonus son called me to make sure I hadn’t left to take care of something for him. Then told me he was headed home to take care of it himself. Again, doesn’t sound like a big deal, but thinking of others first hasn’t been his strong suit. This was a very good, grown up move for him. I can’t take any credit for that. I didn’t raise him. His mother and father can look at this and say, “It paid off”.

*Same 17 yr old daughter and bonus 16 yr old daughter attend a Shawn Mendes concert. They get to their nose-bleed seats. My 17 yr old says “I’m afraid of heights.” A gentleman says, “I tell you what, here are two tickets for front row. I work with Shawn and my job is to find good people like you who were headed to the back row to be in the front row.” Shawn Mendes will never get public credit for that. It won’t be in the news because it’s GOOD news. I don’t know him personally, but the fact is, that’s very generous and kind.

*I saw a police officer pull over in the rain, get out and change a tire of a mother’s car with her kids inside.

*I saw a woman pay for the coffee of a woman behind her.

*I saw someone pay for the fast food of the car behind them in the drive-thru.

*Also saw someone pay for a stranger’s gas.

*I paid for a meal at a restaurant for a dad that made me smile. A young man with a wife, daughter and a newborn. This very young man chose to take his proper role as father and husband. I left him a message, “we need more dads like you in this world.”

*After some storms in our neighborhood, our neighbor came over at 10pm, in the rain and cut some trees that had fallen in our driveway so our driveway wouldn’t be blocked the next morning.

*Two young black men, maybe teens, saw an elderly white woman struggling to get across the street, so they stopped traffic and helped.

*In the recent hurricanes that wreaked havoc on Panama City, FL, my grandmother was one of the more notable victims. The community came together, particularly the young people, and repaired her home and yard. It made the news in PC, FL (Click on “Panama City” to see the story).

THIS! … This is what our society REALLY is. This is what the majority of the people in our country are like. This is what our future really looks like. This is what young people are really like. Not the loud, whiny, extreme minority that just keeps shouting until someone gives them a pacifier. Not what you see on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter. Not what the so-called news outlets report. Yes,  there are exceptions. But those exceptions don’t represent the majority. Our country, our society is made up of MOSTLY people that are kind, generous, sweet, funny, and overall good people. Don’t be overwhelmed by the extreme news. Most of those stories are isolated incidents. We’re going to leave a pretty good country to our children and Keith Richards.

Craig Groeschel once said, “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.”  Fix what you have to fix. Stop wasting energy on the negative information and negative people in your life. Make your life look like those stories above. Sometimes we look at the fabricated as if it’s the genuine. We get stuck staring at the “Memorex”- the image that isn’t what’s really going on. Stick to the “Live”- the image of what is really happening around you. If your world doesn’t look like this, change the direction. The first thing you can do is start every single day with GRATITUDE. From there, you’ll see an immediate difference. So when you look at your life, is it Live… or is it Memorex?

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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The Cover

“I thought you were a real jerk, a punk, a know-it-all who gets on my nerves!” Every single friend I had growing up eventually said that to me. Not kidding. Every. Single. One. This statement implicated quite a few things.

First, it implicated that I came across as all of those things. I didn’t give off an impression that I was a good guy. At all. It also implicated that I really wasn’t any of those things. It also implicates that we were close enough friends that they knew they could tell me that without me getting offended. So where was the problem? Why was this always the case? Was it something I was doing or saying or was it their quickness to prejudge? I later figured out that the answer to that last question was YES. It was a combination of both.

On one hand, I was not presenting myself in a good light. Apparently, dudes have RBF too. I carried myself in a way that was immature, irreverent, and sometimes mean. I didn’t appear to care about anyone other than myself. This was the first impression of everyone that met me. Hopefully, I’ve fixed that.

Example: There’s a book by author Anne Lamott called “Bird By Bird”. The cover has birds and eggs on it. So naturally, your first impression is this will be about birds. Maybe watching them, taking care of them, learning about the various species. That’s the first impression it gives off. It turns out that this book has absolutely no mention of birds in it at all. It’s an instructional guide to writing that lists the instructions piece by piece or “bird by bird”. Not exactly what you thought it was going to be about.

On the other hand, these friends of mine went with what they saw and heard before they ever even said a word to me. The ones that gave me a chance found that I wasn’t anything like what they thought. They would say things like, “You’re actually cool, funny and just normal.” Well anyone that knows me knows I’m anything but normal. But I’m of the belief that the only thing in life that’s normal is a cycle on a washing machine.

Example: I’m not a Trump apologist. I AM NOT. We all know he doesn’t have a very good “cover” on his book. But I was struck by a speech Steve Harvey gave in which he was pushed in to meeting with Trump as part of a request from the Obama transition team. So he went. Harvey told Trump all about how he didn’t vote for him. How he campaigned for Clinton. He said he’d been asked to help Trump, so he was there. Trump asked how he could help. Harvey said that Ben Carson was in charge of Urban Development and that schools were closing. Harvey could help revive cities and that those local leaders would listen to him and would get Carson in the door easier. Harvey asked for HUD money to open the schools for STEM, to also teach computers and coding in inner cities. What happened next changed everything Steve Harvey originally thought. While they were still sitting there, Trump said, “I like it! Let’s get Ben on the phone right now!” The next thing you know, they’re meeting to discuss launching this concept.

Following this meeting, Harvey received a flurry of comments laced in vitriol. He was called everything BUT Steve. The hate was spewed so hard and heavy that Harvey said that even he was surprised by it- implying that at age 60, he doesn’t get surprised much. When asked why he would agree to meet with Trump, he answered, “I had an obligation to take a seat at the table when invited.”

Harvey, when invited, felt two things. One, he felt it an honor to be in the White House in the best country on the planet, regardless of who was president. And two, he knew that if he was going to get the chance to speak to Trump, this was his chance to discuss with him what he thinks needs major improvement. In other words, he knew that if he never spoke with someone he disagrees with, nothing would ever get done. There’s a great deal of awesome sauce in this concept.

Now insert Rapinoe. Megan Rapinoe publicly stated that she would not visit the White House, if invited. My first thought was “how unpatriotic”. But my next thought was, “if she’s this passionate about certain societal issues, this would be her chance to voice them and see if there’s room for discussion.” But that would require listening to someone you don’t agree with and attempting to see their side. Something I’m not sure Rapinoe’s capable of, but I hope she is. Trump did just that for Harvey. Again, I’m not an apologist for Trump. But these are facts you can’t ignore. And those of you that consider Rapinoe to be mean and irreverent, that’s the cover… you don’t know the contents of the book. You may also be surprised by her if you were to get to know her.

Our society is so quick to judgment on almost everything. Who cares what the facts are?! Facebook said it, so it’s true! We all get caught up there. We should never judge a book by its cover, but we should all work on making our cover pleasant and accurate- depicting who we really are. And if we’ll be slow to view the cover and actually look inside the book, we just might be pleasantly surprised. But it will require us to be prepared to listen to someone that we don’t agree with. At least to hear them out. To find common ground. But if you never open the book… you’re left with only the cover. And here we sit: still thinking the book is about birds. Open the book. But first, open your mind.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Hit The Woah

When I was in high school, I never was deep in to current trends. But I remember them. Tight rolled jeans. MC Hammer pants. Carpenter jeans. White washed jeans. Sebagos. The running man dance. When I was even younger, it was neon fat-rat shoe laces. Michael Jackson jacket. Parachute pants. I’ve seen a great deal of trends come and go. Fashion trends. Dance trends. Food trends. Vocabulary trends. But lately, I’m seeing trends that I’ve never seen nor heard of before.

I expect that when someone is unhappy with a spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, they attempt to resolve the conflict by any means necessary. If it still cannot be resolved, they exit the relationship. That seems to be the way that is handled. Obviously, I think people bail way too quickly on relationships. They’re never easy. You’re taking two sets of opinions, habits, and desires and crashing them together and expecting everything to be rainbows and glitter farts. What could possibly go wrong with a head-on collision of opinions and ideas?

So then I ask, if you hate where you live, why don’t you leave that area? Let’s use an example. Joe is from Mt Juliet, TN. He has been born and raised there. Joe has risen to public prominence. He’s locally famous. He then begins to disagree with the way Mt. Juliet is handling their city finances, their city laws, and their public policy. After attempting to address these concerns, he realizes he is in the extreme minority on these issues. That the vast majority of the city loves the way it is being managed. The local high school football team happens to be very good. They love their city as well. So they put the city seal on their football cleats. By now, you know where I’m headed. Joe says that he is offended by the city seal of Mt. Juliet. The city that he was born in. The city that he was raised in. The city that afforded him to rise to the position of public prominence. And because he got upset at the city, he’s decided that the city offends him to the point of protest. Any symbol of it offends him. After winning a prestigious award, the Mayor of Mt. Juliet invites him to city hall to help celebrate his award . He declines in protest. But he doesn’t move. He continues to live there. That’s the part that baffles me. I’m thinking, find a city that does things the way you like and move there. Problem solved.

If I hated my country so bad that anything that resembled my country; the anthem, the flag, was so offensive, I think I would find a country I do like and move there. But that would make too much sense. We have to complicate it. Joe just stays in Mt. Juliet. Realizes his public prominence has run its course, so he stirs up controversy to keep himself in the spotlight. But this may not be the worst part.

The worst part is that this has become a trend. Instead of just fashion, dance, food, and slang words, we’re now inserting a trend of despising where you live, but not leaving. Add to that, this trend of athletes deciding not to go to the White House after being invited for accomplishing something great. Three things strike me about that. 1- Since when did it become cool to be rude? I’ll just have to not be cool. 2- I’m guessing these athletes think so highly of themselves that they think anyone cares whether or not they go to the White House. Like it’s some cool, public statement to disrespect the leader of the free world. Yay to you. We still don’t care. And 3- If the worst president of all time were to invite me to the White House, I would gladly accept. For a few reasons. Regardless of what I think about who is in presidency, the privilege I’ve had to grow up in this country makes me love and appreciate the country itself. It would be an honor, regardless of who is in that office. But why the allegiance to my country, or any area?

When football was started in America, It was a combination of rugby and “association football”; later shortened to “assoc”, then shortened to “soc”, then referred to as soccer. People in America loved both sports but wanted their own game. A game that represented what happened in the Revolutionary war. Their territory was to be defended, as it was against England. There was a pride in their geographical area. Thus began the game of football and the rivals between geographical areas. There was a sense of belonging. A sense of pride in your area. When I hear someone say Louisiana, Florida, Tennessee, Hermitage, Saints, Tigers, Titans, Gallatin, these are all words that represent an area to me. A territory I identify with. Unfortunately, those of you band wagon Patriots, Warriors, Yankees and Bama fans that aren’t from there and have never stepped foot in those areas before don’t have a clue as to what i’m talking about. But it’s real, there are actually people in this country that pull for the team that represents the area they are from, regardless if they’re any good. I know, weird.

When the attacks on 9/11/01 took place, all of the sudden, we were all Americans. When helping someone, no one stopped to make sure their politics lined up. No one stopped to ask if they were Christian, gay, republican, democrat, pro-life…nope! They just helped… because they were Americans! Yet now, we find ourselves witnessing trends where it’s not cool to be proud of where you’re from. It’s looked down on if you are patriotic. Maybe we should start some new trends.

How about we try this trend. How about it becomes trendy to secretly buy someone’s gas when you stop to get yours. How about if it becomes trendy to refuse to only listen to people who agree with you and pay close attention to those who have a conflicting opinion and explore the possibility that there are some valid points in there. What if we make it a trend to have coffee regularly with someone you don’t agree with. Maybe it can be a trend to search and find the GOOD in people, instead of the opposite.

The only way these actions become trendy is if we do them. “Faith by itself, if it does not have works (actions), is dead.” James 2:17. Can we agree to meet and talk with people who see life differently than us? Can we attempt to see the humanity in those who believe a different way works? I’m not saying we agree. I’m only say we listen with the goal of trying to see their point of view. For me, I’m trying to understand kids theses days. I don’t want to be so stuck in being right or proper that I fail to see life from their perspective. I won’t be doing the running man, or sporting a mullet, but I will see someone Hit The Woah and say “BET!”

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

Posted on

Fight Like a Girl

 

 

 

 

1937

Amelia Earhart disappeared. But what happened before she disappeared is what is much more interesting to me. Her mother came from a very wealthy family and was accustomed to a certain lifestyle. Her father didn’t come from the same background. He struggled through their marriage to make enough money to afford his wife the things she was used to having. Seeing this, Amelia simply didn’t want to fully depend on a man financially and would rather control her own destiny. As a father of daughters, I simply see no problem with this.

Amelia set out to accomplish things that she wanted to accomplish, despite the constant verbal backlash she received for trying to do “Manly things”. At any point through her story, she could have stopped. She could have folded. She could have said, “maybe they’re right. Maybe I should just sit here and be their idea of a woman.” But she didn’t. She worked as a nurse’s aid and then a social worker and saved up enough of her own money to afford flying lessons, then her first plane, a yellow 2-seater she named “Canary”. She was verbally punched but she fought back.

1955

Rosa Parks is arrested. The whites-only section of the Montgomery bus had filled and the bus driver had ordered her to relinquish her seat to a white passenger. She refused. She could have just gotten up and did what everyone around her thought she should do. But she didn’t. She committed “civil disobedience” by sitting quietly in the seat that was originally vacant that she had occupied the entire ride up to that point. This led to the boycott of the Montgomery bus system which was the first campaign of action of the civil rights movement. As we know now, this led to many things that stirred the conversation up enough to make mass changes in our country’s laws, rights, and the way we all think as citizens. She was punched by society, but she punched back.

1986

My family moves to Nashville, TN from south Louisiana. After a few different jobs, my dad found himself working all hours just to make enough money to keep the lights on and food on the table. Eventually, the financial and emotional strain began to eat at their marriage. They discussed the inevitability of divorce. It just seemed to be the next natural step. But my mom wasn’t going to just sit there and let the enemy win. She has a lot of fight in her. So she brought it out and fought to save her marriage. To dad’s credit, he joined the fight. This October they will celebrate 46 years of marriage. She was punched by the new norm in society. But she punched back.

Men in today’s society are viewed as weak, useless, dumb characters that are here to make everyone laugh at how stupid they are. Almost every sit-com TV show depicts men in a useless manner. Nothing more than a laughable, mindless, irresponsible character that generally gets in the way. Men have given society many reasons to be viewed this way. A large number of men either abused their God-given authority in their marriage or was completely neglectful to their wives.

It seems like everyday I see men sitting in cars while their wives pump gas, load groceries, drive the family places. I know there are cases where the man is physically incapable for medical reasons. I get that. But that would be every so often. I see this all the time. They sit back and let their wives take on stressful and physical challenges that they should never have had to do. The women end up finding themselves in the role of mother and father.

2013

My children were forced to endure a divorce. Since then, they’ve never been the same. They don’t see life the same. They don’t see me the same. They don’t treat me the same. They view me, in regards to that subject, as a total failure. In that, they’re right. But God turns all sorrow to joy. He can’t if we don’t allow Him to. He’s a gentleman. I could have just let the situation define who I am. Who they are. I could have just sat back and let the new norm take over. But I didn’t. I took some notes from the women (and real men) in my life. I fought the norm. I chose to pursue my daughters stronger than ever before. Text them constantly. Spend as much time with them as I can. Life punched me in the face. I punched back.

I think we, as men, need to take notes from the women in our lives.

My current wife, Jennifer, went from “what do I do now, my marriage is over?” to running 3 businesses and raising 5 kids… successfully! She was punched by life. She fought back. And if that was the only uphill battle she’s fought in her life, that would definitely be enough. But it’s not. Not even the tip of the iceberg. She’s overcome many, many obstacles… one after another… most of those obstacles were things she never asked for. She KEPT getting punched… and each time, she kept fighting back.

Are there men getting it right? Of course there are. Most of the men I know are currently getting it right. Most of the men reading this are probably getting it right. So what about you? You’ve read all of this and know that this isn’t something you struggle with. Glad you asked.

To the man doing it right… I say, TEACH. Show your children how much you love them by treating your wife with the utmost respect, love and attention she deserves. Show your children that they’re THIRD in your life. Find a young man and show him that it is still cool to be a good guy. To not cheat on your wife. To lead the way when it’s time to go to church. Show a young man in your life that masculinity is not a bad thing as long as it is used correctly. Never to be used as a weapon but only as a servant and protection. Make her feel safe because of you.

This Father’s Day, I’m praying for the fathers that are way off and missing the mark. That they find someone to lean on. Very possibly the women in their lives. That they understand it’s not too late. Children NEVER stop loving their parents. I pray for the kids of these dads, that they see the intentional change and allow it to take place. Kids are more resilient than we’ll ever be.

Also on this Father’s Day, I’m celebrating fathers that are living in their God-designed role. The ones that are not giving in to the stereotype of dads in this generation. The ones that understand that children are THIRD in their lives, after God and their wife. The ones that understand you’re there to teach and launch, not to be their friend. The ones that see the benefit of their wife’s mind. Her intellect. Her passion. Her scrappiness. The ones that are slow to anger and quick to listen. The ones that serve first and eat last.

If, at the end of my life, I end up being half the father my dad was 10 years ago, I’ll consider myself a success. I’m certainly a very long way from that now. So I’ll keep on fighting. I’ll keep on getting back up after life punches me in the face. I’ll put my hands up and FIGHT LIKE A GIRL.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

Posted on

The Generational War

Whether we realize it or not, we are in the middle of a generational war. In the late 60’s, the parents thought the world was caving in… coming to an end. The protests, the riots, the blatant disrespect for authority. Those parents were from the greatest generation of all time. They grew up in an era when technology and music were advancing at a rapid rate. We were at war and the “Jitterbug” and “Swing dancing” were springing up everywhere. So when the kids of the 60’s were singing about making love and not war, the previous generation just didn’t grasp it. War was a part of everyday life to them. But the youth of the day were tired of it. This dilemma is nothing new. But it still needs to be addressed.

A great portion of today’s youth have been told they are special for doing nothing at all. They were given trophies for losing. They would fail miserably at a task, sport, or competition and receive priceless accolades. Quickly they would not be subject to competitions at all. No one wins. Everyone participates and receives an award regardless of the level of performance. They have learned that work ethic is for “old people”. They weren’t really into work. Maybe they show up, maybe they don’t. They only chase things that “speak to them” or give them a greater internal purpose. They have developed a need for instant gratification. Technology has shown them that they don’t have to wait for anything. As a result, the things that actually take time, like love and relationships, suffer because if it doesn’t happen quickly, well then it must not be meant to be. As a result, kids are waiting later and later to marry and instead choosing to live together for longer periods of time to reduce the level of commitment. Most of them view older people as slow, in the way, refusing to adapt, not very smart, can’t relate to today’s kids. As a result, they’re incapable and simply refuse to benefit from anything an older person has to offer.

I’ve personally seen this a lot towards me. I’m only 43 but I’m in settings where there are much younger adults involved both in music and officiating sports. I’m often viewed as “the old guy” that has lost his touch and can’t provide any real insight to anything related to youth today. I’m viewed on stage as “in the way”, can’t play “today’s music”. Anyone that knows me knows that is the furthest from the truth. I can still play/sing, I can run up and down a court with the young guys but it takes someone who holds the key to their future to point it out. “You may want to listen to that guy. He’s been there-done that.” Only then do they listen. And when they do, they find that I’m not completely useless…haha.

The older generation of adults are no better. They’ve completely written off the younger generation as worthless. They refuse to even attempt to learn today’s vernacular, today’s technology, and today’s trends. They call all young people “millennials” and that immediately is a derogatory term. They refuse to open their minds. They refuse to see the good in youth. They also sometimes struggle to get beyond their jaded bitterness towards the life they ended up with and didn’t sign up for. As a result, they can’t stop griping long enough to enjoy what’s around them… youth! They view them as incapable of change even though most youthful people are evolving and changing every day. They have less patience for mistakes even though it’s a part of everyday life. They confuse inexperience with stupidity.

There simply has to be a TRUCE! A truce called by both sides. Young people, there is so much to learn from someone who has done “Life” longer than you have. Some things you can only learn through experience, something they have and you don’t.  There is so much to gain from people older than you. Slow down and pay attention to what they’re saying. They have been there. You lost a job? They lost several. You lost a child? They have too. Divorce? Been there. Drug abuse? They can walk you right through it. There’s a saying that kids don’t come with instruction manuals. But I beg to differ. The manual is called “experienced adults.” If you’ll tap into that manual, your guide to raising children will never let you down.

The older generation has to hold up the white flag as well. Young people are our future and, quite frankly, our today. Young people are trying. They are making mistakes but they’re supposed to. They’re using what they’ve seen work and not work and improving everything around them…even church. They’re more focused on changing the world for the better than maybe any generation in history. There was a study done recently that listed the top ten things teenagers in high school struggle with during high school as compared to the 1990’s. In the 90’s, the number one struggle was drugs and alcohol. Today, drugs and alcohol are 10th! Depression and anxiety are #1. The last thing you should do is write them off as useless. One key to depression is isolation. They shouldn’t be able to isolate themselves. If you let them, they will. Step in. See the good they provide. Make every attempt to understand where they’re coming from before passing judgment. Allow them to teach you about technology. It just might improve the quality of your life.

I believe this relates directly to churches. We have youthful churches and old people churches. There really shouldn’t be a distinction. They should be able to coexist. The young leaders should welcome and invite the older generation to be an integral part of what they do, if for no other reason than they bring wisdom to the table. Older leaders need to step back and allow youthful members to be involved. Their ideas need to be heard and seriously considered. If the church wants to be relevant again, it needs to embrace this concept: End the generational war. Enough division.

This will take intentional effort on both parts. I urge you, if you find yourself on either side of this issue, do what you can to bridge this gap. If you really want to make the world a better place, Close. This. Gap. Don’t wait for someone else to do it… YOU do it!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger