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Parenting: Perspectives and Pitfalls (Part 1)

All of us believe we are good parents. And to a degree, we are all right about that. We are doing the best we can. We’re doing the best with what we know. But what if we could know more? What if we admitted we weren’t the perfect parent? Is there room to learn? If so, then let’s see what we can learn here…

One thing I see a lot of, these days, is many parents have a few troubling characteristics:

  • They are afraid to let their child get hurt by anything, ever.
  • They give them enormous amounts of decision-making way too early.
  • They don’t instruct with love AND discipline. It’s usually either love OR discipline. Kids need both, together.
  • They also try too hard to be their kids’ friends.
  • I also see parents make their child their WHOLE WORLD. As a result, we have kids that grow up thinking the world revolves around them. Then they’re forced to enter the real world and find out that it’s nothing like what mom and dad said it was going to be.          

First, we have to work on perspective. Recently, I saw a post on Facebook of this cartoon picture of a kid asking the meaning of life and the mother saying “you”. While I get the idea that the child is so precious and awesome, and it was a cute picture, the reality is that isn’t even close to the truth. The meaning of life has nothing to do with children. It’s simple. To have an ongoing relationship with God through Jesus. Nothing more, nothing less. But how do children fit in to that? That’s where proper perspective comes in. They. Are. Not. Ours. Our children DO NOT belong to us. They are God’s. We are just to be good stewards of them and prepare them to launch into the world to have their own relationship with God through Jesus. Not to be their friend. Ever. Here’s why that’s important.

One of the best things you can ever do for a child is make him/her 3rd in your life. (God, spouse, children, in that order- refer to a previous blog called “Relationship Priorities” for details on that). He needs to know that he’s not that important. ALL children need to know that.

Another reason this perspective is important is that if you understand that the child is not yours, then you don’t feel the need to elevate him higher in priority than he should be. That this is temporary. That he’s going to be out in the world and you’re going to hope you did enough to prepare him for the crazy world we live in. That he shouldn’t feel the pressure of being #1 in your life. He/She should be allowed to be 3rd.

Another reason this perspective is important: if you come to an understanding that your child belongs to God and that you are merely being a good steward of God’s child, preparing him to launch in to a world where he has his own relationship with God through Jesus, then it causes you to want to have the best relationship with God that you can. Because his relationship with God is going to look exactly like yours, whatever that means. Good, bad or absent. Also, side note, his view of God will be his view of his dad (or father figure). If his dad (or father figure) is loving, the child’s view of God will be loving. If he’s negligent, his view will be that God is absent and negligent.

Decision making should increase with age and maturity. Letting a 4-year-old determine where you go to church or eat is sending a terrible signal. Letting a child not eat dinner then eat whatever they want from the fridge, another terrible signal. My options were, eat what mom cooked or starve. If you’ve seen me, you know I didn’t starve. Haha. By the way, kids can go to bed hungry. It won’t kill them. They can also fall down and scrape their knees. It’s ok. It builds their immune system. We have too many parents putting their kids in bubble wrap so they don’t get hurt by anything. Let them get hurt. It makes them stronger. More about decision making…

At age 14, you can’t drive a car at all. At age 15, you can but not alone. At age 16, you can drive alone but you can’t vote. At age 18, you can vote but you can’t buy a glass of wine. At age 21, you can buy a glass of wine, but you can’t rent a car. At age 25 you can rent a car. Even the federal and state governments, who rarely get things right, understand that with age comes more decision making, freedom and responsibility. With each birthday, let your child make decisions on something new. But remember, your job is to make decisions for them when they clearly can’t make good ones on their own.

A child needs to know that what he wants isn’t that important. Not nearly as important as his obedience. He needs to know that. The only thing that is important is obedience to you and the adults with authority in his life. You speak, he listens. If he doesn’t listen the first time, there’s an immediate consequence. Every time. Quick story about that.

Someone I knew of years ago had a kid that never listened until she got in his face and yelled for the 10th time. One day, he goes after a ball that went into the street. She yelled from the front porch to come back. Naturally, because he never listened before, he didn’t listen this time either. The boy ran in to the street and got hit by a car. He was 9. It wrecked her because she knew it was because she never made him listen the first time. Every child needs to be taught to listen the very first time. It’s hard and requires intense consistency, but it’s imperative.

Unfortunately, the single mother epidemic is another struggle in parenting and the struggle is real. From a single mother’s perspective, this is tough. Because the dad is supposed to teach him to listen and correct him when he doesn’t, and the mom is supposed to console him while reiterating and reinforcing what the dad just taught. But a single mom sometimes has to be both. Believe me, I’m fully convinced that single moms have a special place in heaven and will jump to the front of the line in the awesome stuff heaven will have to offer.  One thing about all children is, they want instructions and boundaries. But they’ll never be able to tell you that. But the core of who they are loves the safety in boundaries. We have to set those. That’s what we’ll discuss in part 2 of this blog.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Lenses

What kind of lens are you looking at the world through? Chances are you’re looking through the lens of your experience. Through the lens of your personal preferences. Maybe even through the lens someone told you to look through. But what if we looked through an objective lens… rather than a subjective lens… what would happen?

Each day, I’m a bit more troubled by the level of blind passion that we treat our fellow brothers and sisters with. “I’m on a team- my team is right, even when it’s wrong. If you’re not on my team, I hate you.” I’ll never forget walking into a Burger King in central Kentucky. It’s a Sunday night. There are only 4 people there, well into their 50’s, maybe 60’s. They are all talking, almost over each other in the excitement of their conversation. They’re all smiling. Until they see me. I happened to be wearing an LSU sweatshirt that night. The conversation came to an abrupt halt and they all just stared at me like I’d just ran over their dog. I remember thinking, this must be what black people felt like in the 60’s. I remember being appalled that they would show such disdain for a fellow human just because of a sweatshirt with a college from a different state.

They were looking at life through a blue lens (Kentucky blue). All they saw was that I wasn’t wearing their color blue. Never mind that I could wear red, white, and blue and all of the sudden we’d all be on the same team.

The 2020 Super Bowl produced its same level of predictable controversy. Someone is going to get upset at something and blow it way out of proportion. The exact same women that were grabbing napkins off of the snack table to wipe their mouths at Adam Levine shirtless just one year before, were now, all of the sudden, offended. They’re looking at the world through a few types of lenses. The lens of jealousy may be one. They know they don’t measure up so they attack. Another lens may be the good ole double standard. “It’s ok for me to drool over Adam Levine but my husband better not even glance at J-Lo!”

Then there were the men that pretended to be offended by it so they didn’t have to sleep on the couch that night. For those that say, “it was not a family friendly event”, I can’t disagree. But if that’s going to be the stance, then we need to redefine the dress code of every water park and every concert. Because I’ve seen more at those events than I did on the super bowl. I’m not defending pole dancing. I’m just saying that we are looking through clouded lenses.

The State of The Union speech. Here we have the most powerful man in the world speaking on behalf of the most powerful country in the world. This is one place we should be unified. But no. The minute it was over, the country suited up and took their sides, ready to battle for their team. The first team struck…

“What a classless witch Pelosi is for ripping the speech up!” This team decided that for this one moment, Pelosi has to be civil. The rumor is that President Trump handed her a speech with the pages in the wrong order. I’m not sure if that’s true, but if it is… that’s Hilarious! But the same people that are tearing into Pelosi are the same people that were completely silent when Trump mocked a dead congressman, US Rep Dingell. The same people that are silent when Trump tweets the dumbest things on earth. When he brags senselessly and sounds like a ruthless, coarse, businessman… these people are silent. But let’s go crazy on some papers that get ripped. I personally found it funny.

Another lens is “Never Trump!” If Trump announced he found the cure to cancer, they’d scream “How dare you take away the jobs of the Sarah Cannon Cancer center!” The man simply can do no right. These same people were silent as Maxine Waters called for violence against Trump’s cabinet members. Deafening silent when the House clearly made sure there was no chance of a fair hearing. Created walls to block the chance of hearing the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help them God. Then they wondered why the other side didn’t play fair in the Senate trial. Where were the people that despised Trump for an alleged interference in Ukraine… when all this unfairness was taking place? Looking through a lens that is fogged with blind allegiance.

Here’s what I’m getting to: If we can SOMEHOW get to a place where we are looking at life, the world, our country and our fellow Americans through an OBJECTIVE lens, we may just see that there is more to agree on than fight about.

If we decide that mocking a dead congressman AND ripping a speech up is classless, we may just get somewhere. If we decide that dancing in little clothing AND wearing bikinis to water parks are ok OR NEITHER is ok… then we get somewhere. I’m not saying one is more right than the other. I’m saying decide what is right and wrong for you and stick with that, regardless of who does or says it.

It’s when we keep seeing life through these clouded lenses that we don’t really see the world for what it is. We don’t see that the person that votes for the other team is actually a pretty good person. That the person that loved the halftime show may have just loved the art.  Personally, I didn’t care for the halftime show, but not because of what they were wearing. To me, it didn’t matter what they were wearing- it wasn’t going to make that music sound any better. I just didn’t care for the music. But that’s just my humble opinion.

Objective lenses help focus light to produce a real image. They don’t block the image, they show what the REAL image is. So let’s see if we can take the glasses off that have foggy lenses and put some on that have clear, objective lenses that allow us to see the beauty in the world. Give it a shot… I dare you!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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The Pelosi Effect

I’m not a Trump apologist. There are many things to dislike about this man. The recent statements about Rep. Dingell were just plain gross, unnecessary, uncalled for, and in extremely poor taste. I would expct a statement like that to come from a drunk DJ. Not the POTUS! But no one questions his intellect. He’s very smart. Extremely intelligent. But recently the American people saw the beginnings of a plan and are about to see the rest of the plan. And this plan will make Trump look not nearly as smart as he once looked. Her name is Nancy. And she just said “checkmate!”  

We really aren’t giving this beautiful young woman enough credit for being the genius that she is. Think about it. She could start all of these impeachment hearings any time. But she waits until September 2019. Why? Well, she figured the vote would come right before the holiday break for the government. She was right. Then she figured once the vote took place in the House, obviously in favor of Democrats who hold the majority, that there’s no way to beat the republican senate majority. And she’s right again. So Ms. Genius knew she could just hold on to the articles of impeachment until after the election because 23 republican senator seats are up for election. Once they gain the majority of the senate, she comes forward with the articles to the democrat controlled senate for trial and subsequently removes the newly elected 2nd term president. It. Is. Genius! Brilliant! I’m personally in awe of her brains. Not kidding. Obviously, i’m merely guessing at all of this, but this makes the most sense.

Upside: Impeachment is a process, not a vote. In order for impeachment to be reached, there has to be a vote. Then they have to have managers deliver and declare the articles of impeachment before the senate. At that point, he is then “impeached” … or “accused”. The senate then holds a trial and eventually settles the debate on whether the accused is guilty of the charges against him. We’re a long way from all of this.  

Downside: with this plan, she has made it perfectly obvious that people don’t matter. American people don’t matter. Nothing matters more than winning in Politics. That’s it. Regardless of who it steps on in the process. The American people, the constitution, doesn’t matter. If you’re in her way, you will be eliminated. And everyone gets to see this unfold.

Another downside: the American people aren’t going to take this lying down. They’re going to resist. This will get ugly before it gets better.

Another downside: her colleagues aren’t nearly as smart as she is. They cheered when impeachment was announced. She didn’t. She pretended much better than they did. She waited until later to celebrate with her not-so-brilliant colleagues. Her colleagues also kept saying the reason they weren’t giving the republicans their fair say at the hearing was because speed was of utmost importance. Pelosi didn’t say that. Because she’s smart. She already knew her plan that was devised in 2016. They weren’t smart enough to figure all this out. So they kept saying “speed!” And “got to get this done quickly!” Then once they got the vote, the need for speed vanished. Amazing how that works. (Double standards usually preclude an unethical agenda/motive). Now she’s doing something that has never been done and certainly was never done during Clinton’s impeachment. Something that is grossly unconstitutional. She’s withholding the articles of impeachment. She knows that there’s really no designated time frame to release them. So she’ll say that she’s waiting until the republicans do exactly what she says. Which won’t happen.  And she knew that! The elephants are playing right into her pretty little brilliant hands.


One day there’s going to be a section of political science classes called “The Pelosi Effect” where students have to devise a fool proof plan to win at ALL COST! And if they consider the American people during this, at all, they fail!

For now, we’re left to admire the wit, brilliance, and utter intellectual superiority known as Nancy Pelosi. She may be the only person in the country to outsmart Trump at his own game. My hat’s off to you Madame Mumbler… I mean speaker.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Equality or Superiority?

Imagine if it was taboo to eat banana pudding. Then one day, it becomes widely accepted and quite normal to enjoy banana pudding. So much that if you are caught saying you don’t like the taste of banana pudding, you’re inciting violence and using hate speech. It’s not enough that everyone is now allowed to eat banana pudding. You have to be chastised, sued and prosecuted if you DON’T like banana pudding because that goes against my personal preference and I’ve been a banana pudding fan for many years and didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. That sounds ridiculous, but that’s exactly where we are.

We’ve seen groups of people in our country through the years, treated very poorly. Native Americans, Irish Americans, Women… and so on. This country certainly has a dark history of spotlighting groups of people and oppressing them. I don’t take lightly, for a moment, the barbaric fabric of the civil atrocities that took place in our nation’s history. I believe it hurt many people. I believe the cuts are still healing. For women, for Irish-Americans, homosexuals, and so on. It isn’t as easy to just say, “We’re good. Move on!” It’s just not that easy. But this country also has a long history of righting those mistakes and moving forward. We have native American women that occupy public office positions in government now. We are moving in the right direction.

As someone who didn’t have to endure any of that, I tread lightly on this subject. But it needs to be addressed nonetheless. These various groups of people had different responses to their oppression. The emotional toll it takes on its victims is staggering. The anger, feeling of rejection, bitterness, depression that comes with being treated so poorly is very real. The problem comes when the wrong has been corrected, but the anger and resentment are still there. Then what do we do?

That’s where this conversation gets difficult. When a group of people are being done wrong, the ones that overcame that, did so by mob rule. I don’t mean that bad, at all. I mean that as a necessity because no one would listen until an entire group of people just rose up and said they’d had enough! It took that level of fight to get everyone’s attention to the civil atrocities taking place in our country.

Eventually, those wrongs were fixed. They were corrected. There is statistical evidence to show that those civil atrocities no longer exist on a wide-scale, or institutional basis. We are now, statistically, more equal and more fair than ever before in the history of our country. But what happens when we’ve reached this level of equality, but it doesn’t FEEL like it?

It is precisely at this moment when we leave the arena of legislation and enter the realm of personal responsibility. If we have been given equal access to civility, but we still feel disenfranchised, angry, resentful, bitter, frustrated, then we sometimes go with our feelings instead of the facts. We leave the feelings unchecked. And if the feeling is still there, then surely, we are NOT EQUAL, right?! Again, you can’t legislate overcoming emotional damage. The damage is real. And as I’ve said before, it’s okay to not be okay. But it’s not okay to willingly stay there. Personal responsibility leads us to a place where we understand that, yes, we were done wrong. But that has been rectified. I’m still angry about what happened but I want to heal and move in a forward direction.

The problem is, not everyone can do that. And when they don’t, society pays the price. When equality has been reached, but you don’t feel like it has, you are forced to continue to press on to what you believe is actual equality- which is, in reality, superiority. You begin to buy in to the notion that everyone owes you because you were done wrong for so long. Those that you believe did you wrong should pay and pay and continue to pay… then pay some more. They should lose rights while you gain more. Which is a tangible example of inequality through superiority. “I get to have my own type of business that’s only for my people. You can’t have one!” That, in itself, is NOT equal, but superior. “I get to be over you. I get to partake in certain things in life that you can’t.” Again, superior, not equal.

Unfortunately, American society has reached a place where the feelings are taking total precedent over the facts and statistical data. And we have entirely lost our ability to engage in civil discourse. If you don’t agree with me, then you are spewing hate speech, some would lead you to believe.  

Why did Chik-fil-A make the proclamation that they did? I have no idea. They are allowed to distribute their donation funds wherever they want. But, unfortunately, it appears that the purpose is to avoid having to stand up for personal and religious rights, which include the right to free speech and right to religious expression. 

Hear me clearly: to be pro-God DOES NOT mean you are anti-LGBT. God is pro everyone. That includes LGBT. Every human being. The only disagreement is whether or not it is acceptable or wrong to be homosexual in the eyes of God. But this has nothing to do with how I’m going to treat you, or anyone else for that matter. I can disagree with you and not hate you. I’ve been instructed by my God to love my neighbor as myself. He didn’t say, love him as long as he is just like you. He simply said to love him.

Where does this leave us? Back to the conversation of personal responsibility. We should be tired of being the victim and begin to live victoriously. We should never wait for the government to determine our destiny or direction in life. We should never rely on government for anything. We should decide that although there are times when we are done wrong, the entire group of people that person represents isn’t responsible. Just that person. We should get to a place where we stop blaming groups for the immoral and unethical acts of individuals. If we can get there, we stop looking for superiority and can rest in the equality of our nation. Great… now I’m hungry for waffle fries and banana pudding!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Image vs Reality

We see it on Instagram and Facebook every day. The image is surreal. Utopia. But the reality is damage control and brokenness. We, as a society, spend so much time creating an image that doesn’t represent who we are at all. We do this for various reasons. But, unfortunately, the church is the world’s worst!

I’ll never forget a friend of mine in the 5th grade. His image was that of perfection. The best clothes. The nicest backpack. Everyone wanted to be like him. Then came the day I was invited to his house after a soccer game. He didn’t seem wild about that. But his mom was being nice, so I went. When I get there, I get the real picture. His dad was verbally abusive. The house was rather dirty- like “dirt” dirty. Filth. Not what you’d expect from the golden boy of 5th grade. He seemed miserable and embarrassed the entire time I was there. The next day at school, he was avoiding me but managing to keep up the pretty boy, “got it all together” image. Even as a 10 yr old, I knew that he wasn’t going to be any less miserable until he sought help. That pretending to be someone he wasn’t was only going to prolong the inevitable. No, I didn’t know what “inevitable” meant when I was 10. You know what I mean! HA.

The various reasons: The primary reason is the need to feel accepted. That need to be a part of something. We can’t let anyone know we don’t have it all together or they may not want to hang out with us. They may talk bad about me. I’ve always said that if we knew how little they actually thought or cared about us, we wouldn’t spend so much time worrying about what they think of us. But that need to be accepted is real. And it’s not going away. Also, this need to feel accepted is connected to what we put our hope in. Unfortunately, if our hope is in something that only lasts for a while, our need to be accepted by that which lasts a little while will damage us.

The solution here is to seek that which lasts forever. Seek people with that common bond. I know many reading this hate church. But this is exactly where you find this common bond. You’re there joined by an eternal purpose. It supersedes everything else. These people aren’t exactly your best friends, but they are there no matter what, when you’re dealing with a tough issue. That’s because of that eternal connection. The need to feel accepted begins and ends with an attachment to your maker. But this, in itself, creates another problem. Church Faces.

This is another reason people create images that aren’t true. Fear of someone knowing what they’re really going through. We all tend to put on faces to pretend everything is okay, especially those in church. People in churches put on church faces to pretend everything is just fine when, in reality, it’s not at all. The sooner the church people take off their “church faces”, the sooner people outside the church will want to come in. The image you need to create there, is one of acceptance. Yet another difficulty for church people. “I know for a fact that he’s gay. I’m not hugging him.” Or “I saw him doing cocaine in the bathroom at a restaurant last week. I can’t be seen with him.” This has to end. It has to stop. They need to see nothing but love and acceptance and let God do the convicting. But no one will come in if they think you have it all together. They can’t compete or be a part of that. They seek people who have problems like the ones they have. If you take your “church face” off, they’ll see that you have issues like them, and they’ll come in and together you’ll work through them.

The solution here is to be vulnerable. You can only experience the level of love that matches the level of vulnerability you have. The more vulnerable you are, the more love you experience. In that vulnerability, you find 3 things: 1- there are others dealing with what you’re dealing with. 2- it’s ok to be dealing with this problem. You don’t have to keep it a secret. 3- It’s not ok to stay there like it’s some private club you’re a part of. Right there, you’ll able to identify the problem, share it with others dealing with the same problem and begin to work on a way out. This can only come if you stop worrying about who knows what you’re really going through. Taking off the church face.

I personally believe that church faces have contributed to the rise in suicides among Christian pastors. The enemy has accomplished a few things. He managed to convince the pastor that he needs to pretend everything is ok. He’s also convinced him that his ministry will be much better off if he’s not in it, especially if someone finds out what he’s dealing with. The enemy has also convinced him that in putting on the church face, in order for no one to find out what he’s really dealing with, he must isolate himself. And once the enemy has you isolated, it’s open season. He simply takes aim and fires bullets relentlessly. But it started with church faces.

For this reason, I hate church faces. I hope after reading this, you do too. If you’re in a place where you can’t be you and still be accepted, find a new place. There are plenty around. God can only be a part of something if 2 things exist, Obedience and Love… in that order. You want to see people’s lives changed? Let them know they’re not alone in their every day struggles. That being a Jesus follower doesn’t mean you rid yourself of issues. It means that you have a new hope that is bigger than the issues you face.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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You Can’t Judge Me

You can’t! Or can you? This phrase gets misused…often. So I figured it’s about time I addressed it. We all hear it. Especially when someone has done something very wrong or just used very poor judgment. To be clear, I’ve done both of those many times. So in that regard, I don’t “judge” anyone either. But is that an acceptable response when we do those things?

To be clear, I’m firmly of the belief that there is forgiveness for anything. That God is bigger than your problems. That you didn’t do anything to earn God’s love, so you can’t do anything to lose it. I believe that no matter how “big” the mistake, God is bigger and ready to move forward and move on. I also believe that if there is a true change of heart, then you accept the fact that God loves you where you are but loves you too much to leave you where you are. Having said that, when confronted by someone with the realization that what you’re doing is wrong, if your go-to phrase is “you can’t judge me!”, then we’re no longer talking about someone that is looking for help. We’re now talking about someone that refuses help, thus completely stifling your growth as a person.  

Here’s the thing about that phrase. It’s usually used as an attempt to remove shame and/or attention. “You aren’t perfect, so you can’t judge me.” It’s also become a self-serving license to live how we want with zero accountability for our actions. “I can do whatever I want and you can’t judge me!” Obviously, neither is good or correct.

The first, “you aren’t perfect, so you can’t judge me”, If that’s where we live our lives, we only go backwards… at a fast pace. No one is perfect. So when you steal someone’s wallet for the 14th time in 2 months right after you got out of jail for the same offense, you still want no one to judge you? I’m not saying there isn’t help. What I’m saying is, if you have the propensity to make the same bad decision over and over, or even make a bunch of different bad decisions over and over, you need someone in your life “judging” you to help you fix the wrong path you’re on and improve the quality of your life. Claiming that no is perfect so no one can judge you allows you to just stay in same rut you’ve been in and dig it even deeper.

“I can do whatever I want and you can’t judge me.” This one is closely related. But maybe even worse. At least when you claim no one is perfect, you’re admitting what you’re doing is wrong on many levels. But doing whatever you want implies you have no intention of bettering yourself or just stopping the destructive behavior. This phrase often comes from a place of anger, resentment and on the defense. You feel attacked and are making yourself feel justified. You’re on a fast track to total destruction and You’re making every excuse why it’s ok. Well it’s not ok.

And what’s interesting is the verse people quote when they’re making this point. Luke 6:42 “How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite.” And this is where they stop.

They’ve justified their own transgressions. The problem is there’s more to the verse… “first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” He didn’t say you can’t point out the speck, He only said take your plank out first, THEN you’ll see the speck clearly.

This implies that we are, most certainly, supposed to judge each other. At least that’s what this passage says, “These are the things which you should do: speak the truth with one another; judge with truth and pronounce the judgment that brings peace in [the courts at] your gates.” ZECHARIAH 8:16 AMP

So what now? Start pointing fingers? Nope. Continue to open your arms to those that are struggling. Those that don’t know another way until you show them. Continue to remember the chains that God set you free from. Continue to celebrate with those making tough but eternal decisions. But also live your life with accountability. Surround yourself with people that will call you out (or judge you) and push you to be a better person. Stop using this phrase as a crutch and a license to stop growing as a person. Anything that comes easy, probably isn’t worth very much. It’s not easy to grow as a person. It’s not easy to be walking one direction and make a turn in the other, knowing you may lose some friends along the way. It’s tough. But it’s worth it in the long run. You can judge me… but always in love! 

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Hope in the Tunnel- Part 2: Your Story

In the first part, I told you my story. It’s an ugly story. But It’s a victorious and hopeful story too. Now let’s talk about your story… or someone you know.

Anxiety- “Intense, excessive, and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations.” That’s the definition from the Mayo clinic.

First, if you want to hear an amazing message about worry, click HERE! It will change your life.

There are two different sides to this conversation telling two very different stories. One says, “It’s all in your head. You’re making this stuff up. Get up, get over it and move on!” The other side says, “It’s who I am! Nothing can change me. I just need to learn to deal with the new me.” I’m here to tell you that neither is true.

It’s not all in their heads. They didn’t consciously choose this. And in most cases, they don’t want this. They can’t just get over it and move on. It’s not that simple. For the time being, it owns them. But there’s hope in the tunnel.

The problem here though, is that some don’t seem to want out of the tunnel bad enough to make hard short-term decisions that have long term affects. In many cases, to remove the propensity for anxiety, you must remove that which is leading you there. And often times the very thing that is causing you anxiety is the thing or person that you love the most. That’s where this whole thing gets very tough. For some, it may take making the toughest decision of your life NOW in order to live a peaceful life LATER. Fear not, someone will be there to hold your hand all the way out of the tunnel.

For some, it has become a new identity. They see how people come to their rescue and defense. So this “can’t be a bad thing.” This comes from either 1- not enough attention growing up or 2- having your parents’ life revolve around you, then getting out in to the real world and realizing it’s nothing like that at all. No one cares as much as they did… until you had anxiety. Now they care! The glamorization of this is sickening. There’s nothing glamorous about it. Stop wearing it like a badge. Don’t be ashamed of it, but don’t be proud of it either. I’m telling you that you DON’T HAVE TO STAY IN THE TUNNEL.

The anxiety itself, is a symptom. Never the problem. Address the problem and the symptom is cured. I know it’s not that easy, but it is possible! If it’s not possible, then we don’t serve a very mighty God. If it’s not possible, then why did Paul say in 2nd Timothy 1:7, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind”…? Which one sounds like anxiety… power, love, sound mind… or fear? And if God doesn’t give it, then who does? The enemy. SO IT. MUST. GO. Remember, fear and worry are at the core of anxiety. So if God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear, then He hasn’t given us anxiety either… He want’s you to be free of it! Maybe not right this second, but eventually.

I firmly believe that NO ONE is called to have anxiety. That you’re just stuck with it. That you’ll have it forever. I firmly believe that it’s not “who you are”. It may be where you are… but THERE IS HOPE IN THE TUNNEL.

Depression- “A mental health disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life.” That is the definition given by the Mayo Clinic.

Something that I firmly believe is that depression is more rampant today than maybe in any society in the history of our nation. There was a study done among high school students listing the top ten things students struggled with during high school. During the 1990’s, the #1 thing listed was drugs and alcohol. In today’s schools, drugs and alcohol are #10. The number one thing they struggle with today is anxiety and depression. That’s #1!

Many people in general, and especially students, have lost their sense of hope and belonging. They have lost, or never known, their place on earth. Identity is huge. My dad once dealt with this first hand as he was concluding one era of his ministry. He felt lost if he wasn’t pastoring. God spoke to him very clearly and said, “Who you are is a child of God. You are my son. Pastoring is what you DO.” This perspective has to permeate in your heart and mind. The quicker someone understands that who they are is completely wrapped up in who God is, the quicker they find their place, purpose, and calling.

I’ve been drafting this over the course of a week and in the middle of it, after I had written 75% of it, a young lady, a 14 year old freshman at my daughter’s school, decided to take her life. Her particular situation was bullying. But loss of hope was the key. The bullies took that hope. This thing is real. I’m a girl-dad so this crushes me. In the midst of this, I have been proud of both of my daughters in that school system. They told me they have been actively pursuing kids who are eating by themselves in order to help them feel included and combat depression. They hadn’t seen this particular girl and stated that had she been alone in any setting where they were, they would’ve pursued her. I love their hearts. I also feel terrible for this girl that she felt this was the only way out of her tunnel.

Community and service. That is how we get out of the tunnel. These truths are really the only thing that allowed me to get out of the tunnel as fast as I did. It isn’t always that fast. But knowing that if I am still breathing… God’s not done… this kept me going. That and my daughters. 

Getting out of that tunnel took real people, with real problems of their own reaching out to me and not letting me go backwards in the tunnel. It took community. I read about an experiment where they put a rat in a cage and gave it two options of water. One was regular water and the other was drug laced water. Each rat they experimented on, without exception, always chose the drug laced water and almost always overdosed quickly and died. Then they noticed something. They were putting the rat in there alone. What if they create a rat heaven community? Would they still want the drug water? So they put multiple rats in there of both genders, loads of cheese and tunnels. Then comes the amazing part, they all…100% of them chose the normal water and NONE chose the drug water. The solution was community. Whether we like it or not, we were called to be co-dependent.

Again, I’ll say, Community and service are clearly the keys out of the tunnel. Serve someone. Do something for someone else. You will quickly find yourself noticing a light at the end of that tunnel. And the more you are in your community and serving others, the brighter that light gets. Next thing you know, you’re out of the tunnel and you’re helping someone else out of their tunnel. You simply can NOT let yourself, or someone else, be isolated!

Isolation is the #1 tool of the enemy.

So please, keep your eyes and ears open. When you see someone in a tunnel, be the voice that guides them out. If you’re reading this and you’re the one in the tunnel, hold on, there’s HOPE IN THE TUNNEL!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Hope in the Tunnel- Part 1: My Story

I’m in a tunnel… and I don’t see an end to the tunnel. It’s so dark that I can’t see my hand in front of my face. Can’t see directions. Can’t tell if life is going on around me. Or if I’m just stuck in some chasm of hopelessness.

That pretty much summed where I was a few years back. But the story didn’t end there. While I was in the tunnel, a few things happened. First, I prayed the same prayer every single night for at least a year. “Lord, please take me in my sleep. I don’t want to wake up.” I really prayed this. Over and over. And began to get mad at God that He wasn’t listening. I was already mad at God for what had happened to get me here. More about that in a moment.

Though I couldn’t see around me, those around me knew I was there. They decided to guide me from place to place in this tunnel. I still couldn’t see but I could hear them. “No, don’t walk that way, walk this way.” Over time, I began to rely on those voices. I began to enjoy those voices. I began to believe those voices were around me for a reason. So little by little, God used those people to guide me further and further until I began to see a light. It was very dim, but it was there. And the more I headed in a forward direction, the brighter the light became. Until eventually, I was out of the tunnel.

How did I get there? In 2011, I got the call that I had received many times before, but this time it was crippling… it was final. Warner Brothers had officially passed on me and my band after we had verbally discussed and agreed on terms. Something happened within the label that made them bail on me at the last second and refused to sign any new acts for a while. The problem was, I was 36 years old. No one is looking for the next big 36 year old. I knew right then I had to hang it up. Grow up and get a real job.

Why was I so angry? Because I wasn’t trying to get a record deal to get famous or rich. I was doing exactly what I truly believed God had called me to. My talents, my desires, my surroundings. I received confirmation from many Godly people, including 3 pastors, that I was called to be light in a dark place. And that country music was to be my outlet. I’d given all of my “college” years, my “working up the corporate ladder” years, my “building my business” years… doing music. Now I was 15 years behind everyone my age in every aspect of life… all for doing what I thought God wanted! So after 15 years of sacrifice and heartache and disappointment, to have nothing to show for it was more than devastating. I felt like I was having a funeral. Like I was burying someone close to me. What happened next was worse.

I became very numb. Very cynical. Very bitter. And worse, very apathetic. Nothing phased me. I was grieving. I poured myself into officiating basketball. Anything to get away from my constant reminder that I was a total failure. But if that wasn’t bad enough, this funk I’d found myself in, greatly contributed to the end of a 14 year marriage. Which resulted in once seeing my daughters every day, to seeing them every other weekend. Well now I’ve done it… I’ve gone and made sure I’m a TOTAL failure. This is where I fully enter the tunnel.

So how did I get out? Jesus… in friends. A certain group of friends took me in and welcomed me in their “clique”. That was the beginning. A couple of old friends came in to my rescue as well. These people wouldn’t let me stay in the tunnel. They wouldn’t settle for “I’m tired, I think I’ll stay home.” They pulled and tugged until I was hanging out and laughing with them. In the midst of all of this, I found myself helping these people. I found myself helping other people with these people. I found myself less worried about my problems and more concerned about… OTHERS.

What I’ve learned about this topic is… the way out of this tunnel had a few characteristics.

*People. Jesus didn’t send a fancy angel flying down from the clouds. He sent people. People that didn’t even know they were being sent.

*Serving. Getting out of my own way and helping others.

*Lack of judging. No one cared that I wasn’t as successful as most people my age. No one shunned me, kept me out. It was open arms. And I had to be ok with them knowing everything wasn’t ok. And hoping they didn’t judge me, which they didn’t.

*Decisions. I had to consciously choose to make better decisions going forward. Starting with owning my contribution to my divorce. What can I do better? What can I learn from?

*Renewed love for God and His people. I still don’t have a clear answer as to why I believed for so long that God wanted me to do something, only to find out I was wrong the entire 15 years. Why God didn’t stop me at some point and say, “Hey, this isn’t going to work. Go do something else.” But because of how I was taught and how I believe, I remembered that God never changes. He’s still God. And while I still don’t know why my life went the way it did, it doesn’t change who He is and what He wants for us and from us. That’s the short version of my story.

I learned some valuable lessons about that tunnel. I’ve been hearing many people talk about their tunnel. I’ll address that in the next part.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Is It Live or Is It Memorex?

During the late 70’s and early 80’s, there was a commercial campaign for a video tape that was so clear, you couldn’t tell the difference. During that time, this was revolutionary. For the first time, a recording didn’t have all kinds of visual blemishes.

In 2019, this is definitely not an issue. But what is an issue is what we are being told is real. We’re being told that our society is going down the drain. That our future is in the hands of people that eat tide pods. That everyone believes there are 497 genders… except you. That all white people are racists. All black people cause problems. All cops are crooked. All pastors want their secretaries more than their wives. All teachers sleep with their students. All music stars are jerks. All men talk down to women. Here’s the reality… that’s not even close to the truth. Not even in the zip code.

As I live my life with the people I do life with, I find a few things. First, they are various races, one of two genders, different ages, and don’t eat tide pods. In general, they’re good people. You, those that are reading this, are good people. I encounter cops that are changing tires on the side of the road. Pastors that show up to a hospital at 2am to be there as comfort for the family. Teachers that buy supplies for children that can’t afford them- when they, themselves, don’t make much money at all. Music stars being extremely generous. Men that open doors for women and protect them on a daily basis. Dads that go out of their way to be good dads in the face of a fatherless society. That’s what I see!

So why do we hear so much about the extreme minority? Well, you already know the answer. Media. It’s their job to present news that isn’t everyday, ordinary news. So the mass majority of the country that believes there are two genders, just isn’t news. We all know that actual, literal journalism is almost completely dead in our country. Everything has an angle. The money that supports these media outlets have agendas, opinions that they want to pass off as facts.

One of the reasons this is possible is because of our need for drama. If I post a positive story on a “Hip” page on FB, I’ll get 10 likes. If say something negative, controversial, trolling,  I’ll get 10,000 likes. It’s just where we are. We are all drawn to problem solving. So here’s some REAL news for you. Just in recent past, the following happened:

*My 17 yr old daughter, who never wanted to be at my house, said she wasn’t ever comfortable there until recently. She asked if she could spend the night. That is a YUGE development. She is now extremely comfortable here. I had missed my daughter and was hurting because of the proverbial distance. This small thing felt amazing. It renewed my faith in my parenting. I really wasn’t sure if what I was doing was right. Apparently it worked.

*My 18 yr old bonus son called me to make sure I hadn’t left to take care of something for him. Then told me he was headed home to take care of it himself. Again, doesn’t sound like a big deal, but thinking of others first hasn’t been his strong suit. This was a very good, grown up move for him. I can’t take any credit for that. I didn’t raise him. His mother and father can look at this and say, “It paid off”.

*Same 17 yr old daughter and bonus 16 yr old daughter attend a Shawn Mendes concert. They get to their nose-bleed seats. My 17 yr old says “I’m afraid of heights.” A gentleman says, “I tell you what, here are two tickets for front row. I work with Shawn and my job is to find good people like you who were headed to the back row to be in the front row.” Shawn Mendes will never get public credit for that. It won’t be in the news because it’s GOOD news. I don’t know him personally, but the fact is, that’s very generous and kind.

*I saw a police officer pull over in the rain, get out and change a tire of a mother’s car with her kids inside.

*I saw a woman pay for the coffee of a woman behind her.

*I saw someone pay for the fast food of the car behind them in the drive-thru.

*Also saw someone pay for a stranger’s gas.

*I paid for a meal at a restaurant for a dad that made me smile. A young man with a wife, daughter and a newborn. This very young man chose to take his proper role as father and husband. I left him a message, “we need more dads like you in this world.”

*After some storms in our neighborhood, our neighbor came over at 10pm, in the rain and cut some trees that had fallen in our driveway so our driveway wouldn’t be blocked the next morning.

*Two young black men, maybe teens, saw an elderly white woman struggling to get across the street, so they stopped traffic and helped.

*In the recent hurricanes that wreaked havoc on Panama City, FL, my grandmother was one of the more notable victims. The community came together, particularly the young people, and repaired her home and yard. It made the news in PC, FL (Click on “Panama City” to see the story).

THIS! … This is what our society REALLY is. This is what the majority of the people in our country are like. This is what our future really looks like. This is what young people are really like. Not the loud, whiny, extreme minority that just keeps shouting until someone gives them a pacifier. Not what you see on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter. Not what the so-called news outlets report. Yes,  there are exceptions. But those exceptions don’t represent the majority. Our country, our society is made up of MOSTLY people that are kind, generous, sweet, funny, and overall good people. Don’t be overwhelmed by the extreme news. Most of those stories are isolated incidents. We’re going to leave a pretty good country to our children and Keith Richards.

Craig Groeschel once said, “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.”  Fix what you have to fix. Stop wasting energy on the negative information and negative people in your life. Make your life look like those stories above. Sometimes we look at the fabricated as if it’s the genuine. We get stuck staring at the “Memorex”- the image that isn’t what’s really going on. Stick to the “Live”- the image of what is really happening around you. If your world doesn’t look like this, change the direction. The first thing you can do is start every single day with GRATITUDE. From there, you’ll see an immediate difference. So when you look at your life, is it Live… or is it Memorex?

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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The Cover

“I thought you were a real jerk, a punk, a know-it-all who gets on my nerves!” Every single friend I had growing up eventually said that to me. Not kidding. Every. Single. One. This statement implicated quite a few things.

First, it implicated that I came across as all of those things. I didn’t give off an impression that I was a good guy. At all. It also implicated that I really wasn’t any of those things. It also implicates that we were close enough friends that they knew they could tell me that without me getting offended. So where was the problem? Why was this always the case? Was it something I was doing or saying or was it their quickness to prejudge? I later figured out that the answer to that last question was YES. It was a combination of both.

On one hand, I was not presenting myself in a good light. Apparently, dudes have RBF too. I carried myself in a way that was immature, irreverent, and sometimes mean. I didn’t appear to care about anyone other than myself. This was the first impression of everyone that met me. Hopefully, I’ve fixed that.

Example: There’s a book by author Anne Lamott called “Bird By Bird”. The cover has birds and eggs on it. So naturally, your first impression is this will be about birds. Maybe watching them, taking care of them, learning about the various species. That’s the first impression it gives off. It turns out that this book has absolutely no mention of birds in it at all. It’s an instructional guide to writing that lists the instructions piece by piece or “bird by bird”. Not exactly what you thought it was going to be about.

On the other hand, these friends of mine went with what they saw and heard before they ever even said a word to me. The ones that gave me a chance found that I wasn’t anything like what they thought. They would say things like, “You’re actually cool, funny and just normal.” Well anyone that knows me knows I’m anything but normal. But I’m of the belief that the only thing in life that’s normal is a cycle on a washing machine.

Example: I’m not a Trump apologist. I AM NOT. We all know he doesn’t have a very good “cover” on his book. But I was struck by a speech Steve Harvey gave in which he was pushed in to meeting with Trump as part of a request from the Obama transition team. So he went. Harvey told Trump all about how he didn’t vote for him. How he campaigned for Clinton. He said he’d been asked to help Trump, so he was there. Trump asked how he could help. Harvey said that Ben Carson was in charge of Urban Development and that schools were closing. Harvey could help revive cities and that those local leaders would listen to him and would get Carson in the door easier. Harvey asked for HUD money to open the schools for STEM, to also teach computers and coding in inner cities. What happened next changed everything Steve Harvey originally thought. While they were still sitting there, Trump said, “I like it! Let’s get Ben on the phone right now!” The next thing you know, they’re meeting to discuss launching this concept.

Following this meeting, Harvey received a flurry of comments laced in vitriol. He was called everything BUT Steve. The hate was spewed so hard and heavy that Harvey said that even he was surprised by it- implying that at age 60, he doesn’t get surprised much. When asked why he would agree to meet with Trump, he answered, “I had an obligation to take a seat at the table when invited.”

Harvey, when invited, felt two things. One, he felt it an honor to be in the White House in the best country on the planet, regardless of who was president. And two, he knew that if he was going to get the chance to speak to Trump, this was his chance to discuss with him what he thinks needs major improvement. In other words, he knew that if he never spoke with someone he disagrees with, nothing would ever get done. There’s a great deal of awesome sauce in this concept.

Now insert Rapinoe. Megan Rapinoe publicly stated that she would not visit the White House, if invited. My first thought was “how unpatriotic”. But my next thought was, “if she’s this passionate about certain societal issues, this would be her chance to voice them and see if there’s room for discussion.” But that would require listening to someone you don’t agree with and attempting to see their side. Something I’m not sure Rapinoe’s capable of, but I hope she is. Trump did just that for Harvey. Again, I’m not an apologist for Trump. But these are facts you can’t ignore. And those of you that consider Rapinoe to be mean and irreverent, that’s the cover… you don’t know the contents of the book. You may also be surprised by her if you were to get to know her.

Our society is so quick to judgment on almost everything. Who cares what the facts are?! Facebook said it, so it’s true! We all get caught up there. We should never judge a book by its cover, but we should all work on making our cover pleasant and accurate- depicting who we really are. And if we’ll be slow to view the cover and actually look inside the book, we just might be pleasantly surprised. But it will require us to be prepared to listen to someone that we don’t agree with. At least to hear them out. To find common ground. But if you never open the book… you’re left with only the cover. And here we sit: still thinking the book is about birds. Open the book. But first, open your mind.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger