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So, ladies, who do you choose? If you choose the Olly Murs on the right (after), you are in the extreme minority. Yes, most women chose the Olly on the left (before). I conducted a small survey that reached just over 300 people. The results were polarized: 100% of the females chose the before Olly and 100% of the males chose the after Olly.

I’m not about to blow your mind with any radical insight, but I will let science and experience give us some intel on why most women choose the before Olly. When I showed this to my beautiful wife, who is a bit more visually inclined than the average female (you wouldn’t know it looking at my ugly self), she quickly said the before Olly was much better looking. But why? What’s even more bizarre is how every dude said the after Olly looked better. But why?

Why Did Men Choose After?

When men see the before Olly, they see a lazy guy who sits around and eats chips while others are working hard. He sees an apathetic lack of ambition. When men see the after Olly, they see success. They see achievement. Men see the after Olly as diligent and determined. They see one less thing for women to dislike them for. There is an approachability bias in society when it comes to gender differences in body image. What isn’t talked about much is the level of body dysmorphia and muscle dysmorphia¹ among men. It’s higher than you realize. Body Dysmorphia Disorder (BDD) affects approximately 2.9% of the US population. Of that population, 60% are female and 40% are male. That equals to around 3.8M men and boys in America. It is traditionally understood that women have great support for each other in the area of BDD. Men, on the other hand, are afraid to even say it out loud for fear of being called weak. So, in order to avoid this, some work out until the feelings of BDD are gone.

That’s not the only explanation. Men also are hardwired to achieve. To hunt and gather. To protect. You can’t protect anyone if you’re weak. Men traditionally compete for resources, including, but not limited to, the attention of the most fertile women in the community. This is basic evolutionary biology. This may explain why men see the after Olly as better, but this does not explain women’s preferences. Women are generally more attracted to masculinity for protection, provision, and procreation. Evolutionarily speaking, this made sense. So why would 100% of women say that the before Olly was better looking?

Why Did Women Choose Before?

When you ask women this, the answers vary. Some say the after Olly looks aggressive. Some say he looks like he spends too much time in the gym and doesn’t have time for his other relationships, including romantic relationships. Some say that the before Olly looks warm, approachable, sweet, caring, humorous, and emotionally available. There are various explanations for this. Some women have been hurt by narcissistic men who care more about their image than their character. Some women have been abandoned when men go through a physical transition, giving them an aversion to an above average muscular physique.

Another explanation is that testosterone in men decreases when they get married.² Their testosterone decreases again when they move into fatherhood.³ So, the before Olly looks more like a married father than the after Olly. Now couple that with the fact that, as Dr. Sarah E. Hill, PhD. has noted, women who are on the birth control pill desire a less masculine man. So women desire the man that isn’t slobby, but isn’t cut. They want the man that will meet their emotional needs before any physical needs. They desire a man that they don’t have to fear will display too much aggression.

Put this altogether, and you have some ideas as to why 100% of women said the before Olly was more attractive and 100% of men said the after Olly was more desireable. This is yet another display of just how vastly different the two genders are (yes, I said two). This gives me and my dad-bod some hope. Hope that my wife won’t find herself desiring the super-cut meathead at the gym anytime soon. Now, where did I put those chips?

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

References

1 Phillipou, A., & Castle, D. (2015). Body dysmorphic disorder in men. Australian Family Physician, 44(11), 798–801.

2 Holmboe, S. A., Priskorn, L., Jørgensen, N., Skakkebaek, N. E., Linneberg, A., Juul, A., & Andersson, A. (2017). Influence of marital status on testosterone levels–A ten year follow-up of 1113 men. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 80, 155–161. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2017.03.010

3 Gettler, L. T., McDade, T. W., Feranil, A. B., & Kuzawa, C. W. (2011). Longitudinal evidence that fatherhood decreases testosterone in human males. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences – PNAS, 108(39), 16194–16199. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1105403108

The Failed Experiment of Removing Strong Men From Society

I recently read a total hit piece on men. The author was the business name. As I was reading, it was blatantly obvious it was written by a woman, without even knowing the name of the author. No male would have ever written something this far-reaching and full of lies. Before I continue, this publication does great work in the field of gender and has written great pieces about the truth about gender that aren’t very popular in academia, university, and mainstream media. She just reached for something to grab a hold of in the category of why men are taking women’s spaces as it relates to gender… and missed. The writer proposed an Entitled Displacement Theory, which seeks to understand men through the lens of Margaret Sanger¹, if you’re asking me. The writer made several points. I’ll respond to each one.Subscribed

1. All men feel they lost status dominance. This is a collapse of traditional male hierarchies. Most men do not care about status dominance in reference to women. Men, per research², care about status among other men. This is basic evolutionary psychology. A male hierarchy (patriarchy) is not a bad thing. Only if it devolves into being based on power is it a bad thing. Until then, it is a very solid, fruitful, thriving entity. Have men abused this in the past? Absolutely. Do most men abuse it now? Not even close.

2. Manosphere: online grievances. statements like “women don’t want nice guys anymore”, “modern women are hypergamous and selfish”, and “feminism has destroyed family values” may or may not be a neutral observation but it is definitely not a “battle cry for a return to dominance through manipulation, withdrawal and outright hostility.” They are true statements based on observation. Society is now recognizing that the idea of “toxic masculinity”, emasculation, and the wussification of men was a failed experiment. Most men knew it would fail. But we just waited for society to catch up. Weak men are of no use to society. Men are biologically designed to protect and provide (at least help provide).³ This is seen in the biological shifts that happen post puberty. Men get stronger, bigger, and even more prone to risk and exploration. This was nature’s design. Men were (are) to go out and find food, protect the family from an external threat, and women were (are) designed to protect the children from themselves and internal threats, like sickness. Again, evolutionary biology has a lot to say about this. Have men abused this in the past? Absolutely. Do most men abuse it now? Not even close.

3. Autogynephilia as a way to make more money and regain dominance. This “psychotherapist” either has no male clients or very weak, spineless clients. Men who suffer from autogynephilia are not even thinking about money. In fact, I would surmise that most men who suffer from autogynephilia probably struggle to manage their finances well. This hypothesis is based on personality traits that are commonly found in those with autogynephilia and their proclivities towards an aversion to conscientiousness (a diligent, dutiful person), which is the primary predictor of success. Yes, some successful men suffer from autogynephilia. Among those, the primary issues include ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences), or an adult relationship that has been traumatic. Not money or power.

4. Misogyny as inclusion. I can agree that men do not belong in women’s spaces. I cannot agree with this post on why. Straight men do not want to erase women. I don’t think gay men do either. Gay and straight men have different motivations for loving women. The males who find it appropriate to invade women’s spaces, sports, prisons, bathrooms, are also suffering. It is typically either autogynephilia or gender dysphoria (GD). These men do not even come close to representing most men. What they do represent is a small group of loud activists who pulled at the heartstrings of those that cannot separate empathy from good judgment and are unwilling to draw a line between good and bad, right and wrong, for fear that they hurt someone’s feelings and may cause a two part reaction, a) they feel bad for causing the negative emotion among the sufferer and b) they are forced to deal with their own self-guilt for existing (usually existing as a straight, white, far-left female). There’s research⁴ on this too. Wanting to invade women’s spaces is not misogyny, it’s sickness and unresolved trauma committed by an extreme minority of men.

5. Narcissistic collapse and identity invasion: “If I can’t own her, I’ll become her to take back my dominance over her.” I debated on even giving this any attention due to the severely preposterous nature of the claim. Most men do not want to own anyone. I mean, do I have to elaborate on this for someone with common sense and sufficient comprehension of social adequacies?

The feminist response was “fight back.” Fight back against what, exactly? In our country, women have complete power over the bedroom in relationships. In America, most nurses are female.⁵ Most teachers⁶ and assistant professors⁷ are female. Most people attending college are females.⁸ Conversely, most people dropping out of high school⁹ and college¹⁰ are males. Most (94%) prison inmates are males.¹¹ Most lonely¹² people are male. Most people successfully committing suicide are male.¹³ What other catastrophic demise among the male population would you like to see in order to have successfully fought back against men who are trying to find their place in a society where men are undervalued, mocked for being male, and are receivers of misinformed vitriol merely for being masculine?

As it currently stands, women are tired of nice guys because nice guys aren’t strong guys. The utmost virtue in a man is that he is capable of fierce danger but has the wisdom to know when to use it. Modern women are selfish in some ways, but not in all ways. And feminism has destroyed family values. Because feminism does not want equality, it wants superiority, “We were oppressed, now it’s your turn!”

Did men cause the rise of the feminist movement? Yes. Did they abuse the fact that they are bigger and stronger? Yes. Did this cause a seismic shift in gender roles? Yes. Did society overcorrect due to emotional dysregulation that never was dealt with, absolutely.

So where should we be on the spectrum of possible gender neutrality? The first and best place to start is to allow men to be men. Allow them to open doors, pull out your seat, and serve you like you are the queen they always wanted. Allow men to risk. Simultaneously, men should look for the qualities in women and let them flourish rather than mock them or suppress them. The answer to the issues mentioned in the male-hit-piece is not to apply an exaggerated reductionist viewpoint of “evil man want power”, otherwise known as the Masculine Replacement Theory. But rather the answer is to foster a conversation on how both can see the other side, deal with the ACEs, the emotional baggage that brings on autogynephilia and GD, and the misunderstanding that men want power. Men want to be respected and needed. That’s about it. Men struggle to understand why a woman can say they are upset but not know why while women are perplexed as to how a man can be sitting calmy, thinking of absolutely nothing. The lack of understanding is causing both the male-haters club to continue and the feminists who write hit pieces like this to have a crowd. No, men do not want dominance, control, money, or unrestrained power. They want to be appreciated for who they are rather than being attacked for it. Men and women should work to appreciate the difference in each other and utilize them to our collective benefit, not looking for reasons to exacerbate the division.

1 Kengor, P. (2015). Takedown (1st ed.). WND Books.

2 Bleidorn, W., Arslan, R. C., Denissen, J. J. A., Rentfrow, P. J., Gebauer, J. E., Potter, J., & Gosling, S. D. (2016). Age and gender differences in self-esteem—A cross-cultural window. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 111(3), 396–410. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000078

3 Killewald, A. (2016). Money, Work, and Marital Stability: Assessing Change in the Gendered Determinants of Divorce. American Sociological Review, 81(4), 696–719. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122416655340

4 Napier, J. L., & Jost, J. T. (2008). Why Are Conservatives Happier than Liberals? Psychological Science, 19(6), 565–572. http://www.jstor.org/stable/40064955

5 https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2019/08/your-health-care-in-womens-hands.html

6 https://nepc.colorado.edu/blog/hidden-bias#:~:text=According%20to%20the%20National%20Center%20for%20Education,recent%20year%20for%20which%20there%20is%20data.

7 https://www.tiaa.org/content/dam/tiaa/institute/pdf/insights-report/2023-03/tiaa-institute-a-path-toward-equity-for-women-faculty-wvoee-colby-bai-march-2023.pdf

8 https://nces.ed.gov/fastfacts/display.asp?id=98#:~:text=See%20Digest%20of%20Education%20Statistics,percent%20(6.5%20million%20students).

9 https://www.ojjdp.gov/ojstatbb//population/qa01503.asp?qaDate=2018#:~:text=The%20status%20dropout%20rate%20in,its%20lowest%20level%20since%201975.

10 https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/12/18/fewer-young-men-are-in-college-especially-at-4-year-schools/

11 https://www.bop.gov/about/statistics/statistics_inmate_gender.jsp

12 https://www.phillyvoice.com/mens-health-loneliness-epidemic-relationships/#:~:text=The%20loneliness%20epidemic%20acknowledged%20by,to%20seek%20help%20than%20women.

13 Murphy, G. E. (1998). Why women are less likely than men to commit suicide. Comprehensive Psychiatry, 39(4), 165–175. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0010-440X(98)90057-8

I’ll never forget the story I once heard Christine Caine tell about sending her daughter to kindergarten. She comes home from her first day and she’s crying. Some boy called her stupid and it hurt her feelings. Caine’s husband sits her down and says, “Let me tell you what I think. I think you’re very smart. And I think you’re very beautiful, just like your mom.”

The next day she comes home from school with a smile on her face and says, “Hey mom, that boy tried to call me stupid today and I told him that he’s wrong because my dad says I’m smart. Then he tried to call me ugly and I told him he was wrong about that too because my dad said I’m beautiful just like you, mommy!”Subscribed

The little girl was almost elated to tell this story. Why? Because she realized she had an antidote for vitriol. She had a way to fight back and win. She was armed with the necessary tools to withstand great adversity (for a 5-year-old).

Caine told that story to point out that sometimes we need to remember what our Heavenly Father says about us when the lies from the world start creeping into our minds. And that’s so true. I’m going to take a slightly different angle here.

To me this screams inoculation over isolation (I must give credit where credit is due. I read that phrase in an article by Dr. Steve Stewart-Williams. He is an accomplished psychologist and author). If she had never heard those words from that boy, she would’ve gone through time having been shielded and not having built a resistance to hurtful words. By that point, she would have built up this unrealistic notion that people don’t say hurtful things to each other and once this hurtful rhetoric is encountered after years of believing it didn’t exist, the let down is significantly stronger than it would have been if she’d learned it sooner. This would have caused greater stress.

As it stands, she learned it early. And was able to apply what she learned the very next day. The feeling that came over her in the wake of this new empowerment was driven by dopamine (the proper amount) and a sense of self achievement, self-efficacy, and proper cognitive alignment as it pertains to her identity.

This is what has crippled an entire generation. Mom and dad bubble-wrapped them and when they entered the real world and found out they really weren’t that special, it wrecked them, thinking it was certainly their fault. They had been able to make mom and dad happy and now somehow, they can’t impress certain people, like the professor or the new boss… “What’s wrong with me?!”

Keeping children isolated from what the world offers is the wrong way to go about it. It only delays the inevitable and causes more pain than if they’d learned it sooner.

It reminds me of a client Dr. Jordan Peterson had who came in and could not overcome certain hurdles in life. She was in her late 20’s and was dealing with issues like not being able to finish college. Couldn’t keep a job. Couldn’t set boundaries with her stepmom. Somewhere in the conversation Peterson noticed that she couldn’t wrap her head around the idea of death, animals being used for food, and the processes of both. It was just too much. Peterson immediately knew what to do.

He asked her to go to a butcher’s shop with him. She needed to see the meat hanging. She needed to know what was out there. Exposure therapy. They went. She cried after walking 5 feet into the shop. So they left. They went back again. This time she stayed and touched the meat to gain a realistic acknowledgment of what she was witnessing.

At their next session, she asked to go to a slaughterhouse. She wanted to gain a deeper understanding. This blew Peterson’s mind. This someone who could barely think of the idea, much less someone who would willingly attend something of this nature. Dr. Peterson couldn’t arrange that but was able to get into a funeral home where they were embalming a body. So they went. Again, it was hard to watch. But she did.

What happened next was amazing. She finished college. Got the career she wanted. Made a phone call and drew a healthy boundary with her stepmom. Everything fell in line. Now that she knew what the world actually had to offer, she was able to properly assess where she stood in the hierarchy of achievement.

When I was a child, my mom didn’t see how long she could keep me away from chicken pox, she gave me an inoculation so that my system knew what it looked like in order to fight it later.

If we wait to allow them to see what the world has to offer, they won’t have the luxury of learning this under our guide as parents and instead learn the truth of the matter and coping mechanisms from those they are around, which may or may not be beneficial. The child is much better off learning the truth of the world while they can ask you about it rather than asking their dorm roommate who may use unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Our children don’t need isolation. They need inoculation. Don’t hold all the information back. Of course I’m speaking of age-appropriate info. We don’t need to let a 5-year-old in on the mental issues of a psychopathic narcissist that murdered his wife and children. But they do need to be placed in a situation where they can hear hard things for their age and know that if little Johnny says something that doesn’t line up with what mom and dad said, they can trust you and no longer need to acknowledge little Johnny’s rhetoric.

Inoculate. Don’t isolate.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger