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What Forgiveness is Not

Letting Go Without Losing Yourself

If you know anything about me, you know I talk often about forgiveness and its benefits. There are many studies detailing the physiological benefits of forgiveness. I cover some of it in this article. Recently, after writing about what forgiveness looks like, I received some feedback regarding what forgiveness is not. I collected my thoughts on the validity of this idea, and this is what landed.

Forgiveness is Not Restoration

Restoration is the reunification of two people. Someone does you wrong, you want to forgive them and reignite friendship with each other. This requires both parties’ consent. Forgiveness can be involved in this transaction, but restoration is not required for forgiveness. Forgiveness only requires one person. That’s because unforgiveness only affects one. We should not feel obligated to restore to someone while forgiving them..

Forgiveness is Not Transforming Into a Doormat

Forgiveness does not give the offender the right to inflict further abuse. He slips up one night and after too many beers, he smacks her. He is visibly upset and remorseful. He apologizes. She says she forgives him. He thinks, “Good, then I can do it again.” Absolutely not. Forgiveness is not a license to continue damage. One can forgive, standing strong in their conviction that they have done nothing wrong and will not stand for such calamity any longer.

Forgiveness is Not Manipulation

Forgiveness cannot be coerced. It must be voluntary. Often, a child is the target of physical or verbal abuse and the parent cries and asks for forgiveness. When the parent commits such an action later, they remind the child, “You forgave me, remember? So you have to forgive me again!” This is nothing short of manipulation. Remember, restoration and forgiveness are not the same. Yes, you could forgive the parent again, but you will feel much less inclined to restore that relationship. This maneuver also involves a bit of vulnerable narcissism (different from grandiose narcissism).

In vulnerable narcissism, the subject must be the center of attention, and in order to get this attention, they draw attention to the negativity in their life. Even (and especially) if they are the instigators of such dysfunction. This is what some parents do.

Forgiveness Doesn’t Justify the Infraction

Erica Kirk publicly forgave her husband’s killer. This does not make the murder acceptable. There still remains consequence. Moses needed forgiveness from God for placing himself too high on the spiritual ladder. God forgave, but Moses did not enter the promised land.

  • Justice = getting what you deserve
  • Mercy = not getting what you deserve
  • Grace = getting what you don’t deserve

True forgiveness typically stems from the recognition of grace extended to me, through mercy, while remaining entangled in the justice I invited.

Forgiveness is Not Forgetting

The idea to “forgive and forget” is absolute nonsense; not tangible, reasonable or, in many cases, possible. Forgetting may seem insurmountable, but the sting doesn’t have to linger. How does one remove the sting? By shaping the mindset from “you did this to me so I hope you get what you deserve” to “I feel sad for you and what your decisions have cost you.” It’s seeing the humanity in people. Remember, victims perpetrate, survivors heal. Victims say, “Now it’s your turn to get what you deserve.” Survivors say, “I hope you get the help you need. But I forgive you.”

Keep in mind there is an amount of determinism involved in certain malevolent actions. They got here through a series of events they had no control over, leading them to make decisions that were mostly in their control, but heavily influenced by what they could not control.

Example: A young man doesn’t have a father. Mother is an addict. Raises himself. Gets connected with people who are addicts and in gangs. His grandfather was also an addict and stayed in trouble. And his grandfather’s father was in and out of prison. This young man literally has no example of what normality or proper functioning looks like. One could even include the man that had parents in the home but threw money at their son so he’d go away. He wasn’t parented. He doesn’t have an example of how to act either. So he turns to nature’s way, which is hungry for acceptance through power, greed, and tyranny.

Forgiveness is Not Emotional Numbness

Some people believe forgiveness means becoming unaffected by what happened. It does not. Forgiveness is not the absence of pain, anger, grief, or disappointment. In fact, attempting to forgive too quickly often results in emotional suppression rather than genuine healing. A person says, “I’m over it,” while resentment quietly festers underneath the surface. Avoidance helps no one and paralyzes the progress of forgiveness.

Healthy forgiveness allows room for emotion. Jesus wept. David lamented. Job grieved. Emotional pain is not evidence of spiritual failure. It is evidence that something meaningful was damaged. The goal of forgiveness is not to become cold or indifferent, but to prevent pain from transforming into hatred, bitterness, or revenge.

A scar may remain tender long after the wound closes. That does not mean healing has failed. It means you are human. Forgiveness says, “This hurt me deeply, but I refuse to let the injury harden my heart or define my future.” Forgiveness doesn’t mean being conformed, it’s means not being consumed.

What It Comes Down To

Forgiveness is release without denial. Mercy with delusion. Compassion without sacrificing truth. Freedom from hatred without freedom from consequence. Should you forgive? Absolutely. Should you relinquish all agency over it? Absolutely not. That’s what forgiveness is not.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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I. A. B. P.

Identity-Anchoring Belief Persistence

I’ve noticed a pattern in discourse lately, the refusal to be wrong. Ok, not lately, always. We grip tightly to preserve “street cred.” The psychology behind this has plagued me for a while. So I did some research on it, coupled with recent online dialogue. I channeled my inner-PsyPhi, invented a diagnosis (no different than what they did in the DSM-V), and this is what came out.

There’s a strange paradox at the heart of human intelligence. We are capable of learning almost anything while being highly skilled at refusing to learn. This is less about intellectual fervor and more about protective adaptation. I call it Identity Anchoring Belief Persistence. It’s the tendency to connect our previously held beliefs so tightly to who we are that new information feels like an attack. When that happens, the goal of critical thinking shifts. It’s no longer about getting smarter. It’s about keeping it together.

When Being Wrong Feels Dangerous

Imagine someone presents you with solid evidence that contradicts something you’ve believed for years. You attempt to simply process it cognitively, yet you find that you actually feel this information. Your chest gets tight. Defensiveness rises up, at times, evidenced by an increase in your blood pressure. There’s an urge to push back or at least retreat. That reaction is pure psychological self-defense.

Research on what’s called the backfire effect shows that when people encounter evidence that challenges deeply held beliefs, they don’t always correct their thinking. In some cases, they double down, becoming more convinced they were right all along (Nyhan & Reifler, 2010).

Why? Because beliefs are more than ideas. They’re part of the value-system makeup inculcated into our very fabric, often defining our existence. It’s the rooted internal dialogue calibrated to be right. One way of putting it is our belief systems function like a “house” that our identity lives in. Threaten one piece, and the whole structure gets shaky. So we defend it with everything we’ve got.

Protective Cognition

Most of you reading this are educated, or at least intelligent. This is where things get a bit surprising. You might assume that more intelligent or more educated people would be less vulnerable to this. They’re not.

Research on identity-protective cognition shows that people often use their reasoning abilities to defend the beliefs of their group or identity regardless of truth being presented. In fact, those with higher analytical capabilities can be better at rationalizing their existing beliefs. They dismantle new information like an angry lover with a baseball bat, ridding themselves of acute pain. At times, they reinterpret new information, find flaws in it. Selectively accept parts of it, while feeling completely objective.

This is what psychologists call motivated reasoning. The tendency to process information in a way that aligns with what we want to be true, as opposed to cognitive bias where we search for what we already believe (van Doorn, 2024). In other words, intelligence doesn’t guarantee openness. It often simply equips us with better defenses.

It’s Possible I Might Be Inadequate

Jordan Peterson describes this fear as the “specter of possible cataclysmic characterological inadequacy.” It’s a mouthful, but the idea is simple:

  • If I’m wrong about this, what else am I wrong about?
  • And if enough of what I believe is wrong, what does that say about me?
  • Am I broken, delusional, or just severely misguided?

That’s the real threat. The limitless implications. So instead of integrating the new information, we reject it completely. Because accepting it feels like it would unravel us, even and especially if it’s true.

Why Some Grow and Others Don’t

To be fair, not everyone reacts this way. Some people encounter new information and feel curiosity instead of threat. They lean in instead of pushing away. What’s the difference? It’s not raw intelligence, education level, or even exposure to facts. It’s psychological safety.

If your identity is too rigid, built on the need to be right, to belong, to maintain a certain self-image, then new information is destabilizing to say the least. But if your identity is flexible, you have the ability to see yourself as someone who learns, rather than someone who is right. New information looks like an opportunity.

The same fact lands differently depending on the view of the self it encounters. This is often established and developed early in life. It explains why it is so hard for those who didn’t develop this flexibility early to reintegrate a proper view of the self.

The Hidden Cost of Being “Right”

Here’s the uncomfortable truth, the stronger your attachment to being right,

the more difficult it will be to become right. Because learning requires a temporary willingness to be wrong. One of the things I learned in counselor training was that I needed to accept being wrong. I could not hold on to any rigid formation of my ego, as it would devour any therapeutic potential presented in the moment.

If being wrong feels like a threat to your identity, you’ll avoid it, even at the cost of truth. This is why debates often go nowhere. People aren’t exchanging ideas. They’re protecting identities. And when identities are on the line, facts lose their importance.

Why This Matters Now More Than Ever

In a world saturated with information, we enjoy proclaiming the problem is ignorance. It’s not. The problem is our filter by which we accept newness. Information isn’t passively pursued like the church we attend. We actively select information, interpret it, then defend against it the moment we feel rattled by our ego.

According to research on misinformation and belief persistence, even when new, correct information arrives, it often continues to influence our thinking because it’s been integrated into a person’s mental framework, known as the continued influence effect (Ecker et al., 2022). Once something becomes part of your identity, removing it is a full-scale reconstruction project.

A Different Way to Think About Thinking

If you want to become someone who actually learns, updates, adapts, and grows, you have to change nature of the game. Stop asking:

“Is this true?”

Start asking:

“What happens to me if this is true?”

Because that second question reveals the real barrier. And if the answer is:

“I’d feel embarrassed” or

“I’d feel worthless” or

“I wouldn’t know who I am anymore,”

…then you’ve found the real problem. And the problem isn’t the information. It’s the insecurity.

Final Thought

Most people truly believe they’re seeking truth. But more often, they’re seeking stability. And when truth threatens stability, stability wins. Until you consciously take steps to decide otherwise. Because growth requires a radical paradigm shift from defending who you are to becoming who you want to be in the face of a challenged ego. It’s difficult, but possible. You got this.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

References

Ecker, U. K. H., Lewandowsky, S., Cook, J., Schmid, P., Fazio, L. K., Brashier, N., Kendeou, P., Vraga, E. K., & Amazeen, M. A. (2022). The psychological drivers of misinformation belief and its resistance to correction. Nature Reviews Psychology, 1(1), 13–29. https://doi.org/10.1038/s44159-021-00006-y

Nyhan, B., & Reifler, J. (2010). When corrections fail: The persistence of political misperceptions. Political Behavior, 32(2), 303–330. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11109-010-9112-2

van Doorn, M. (2024). The skeptical import of motivated reasoning: A closer look at the evidence. Thinking & Reasoning, 30(4), 548–578. https://doi.org/10.1080/13546783.2023.2276975

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Tennessee’s Education Paradox

Spending vs. Educational Outcomes

My wife is a teacher at a public school as one of her many careers. I get a firsthand account of the state of public school education in Tennessee. So, when this article came out, I dove in. And I heard the same, tired song.

Tennessee’s Rank in Public School Spending

The newest rage in Tennessee is that the state registered lowest in the country in public school spending. This predictably outraged various groups of uninformed, rage-baiters into the playbook manual of feelings of over facts:

  • Feel angry
  • Call it out
  • See evidence-based refutation
  • Name-call and scream louder

Rather than look to see why, or if this is even something to be concerned about, how bad it is, they just came out swinging. I dug into it a little. Questions I had were:

  1. Where did Tennessee rank in educational outcomes?
  2. Does spending correlate to educational outcomes?

Educational Outcomes

What I found- Tennessee is slightly above national average

Tennessee ranks:

  • 25th in combined proficiency
  • 24th in 4th grade reading
  • 21st in 8th grade reading
  • 13th in 4th grade math
  • 20th in 8th grade math
  • One of the fastest improving states in the country.

So let me get this straight. Tennessee ranks lowest in public school spending but above the national average in educational outcomes? This alone indicates a lack of causation between spending and educational outcomes.

By the Numbers

But don’t take my word for it. Let’s actually look at numbers.

Spending

1980: $2300 per student ($9,000 in today’s dollars)

2023: $16,500 per student (National average is now $18,000. Some states exceed $20,000)

Right away, you would expect to see educational output almost double over this same time period. Unfortunately, this isn’t supported by the data.

Educational Outcomes

1980:

NAEP Testing age 13- reading 258, math 266

SAT testing age 13- verbal 421, math 466

2023:

NAEP Testing age 13- reading 256, math 263

SAT testing age 13- verbal 520, math 508

Here’s a graph of what that looks like:

Spending Per Student vs. Educational Outcomes from 1980-2023

This data is controlling for population changes (SES, racial makeup, neighborhood disparity).

The evidence is clear. Spending has no correlation to educational outcomes. By any reasonable logic, we should expect to see an increase in educational outcomes. There is none. So if money doesn’t matter to educational outcomes, what does?

The Monopoly

Competition. The government has no incentive to produce better outcomes because there is no one to compete with. The other two alternatives to public schools are private schools and home schools. Currently, the average cost per student in Tennessee for a private school education is $13,000 per year. The average cost per student in Tennessee for a homeschool education is $2,000 per year. This means that the public school system is the ONLY FREE education offered in Tennessee. This is the literal definition of a monopoly.

Websters Dictionary: Monopoly- An exclusive privilege to carry on a business or service granted by the government. The market condition that exists when there is only one seller.

Everyone knows that competition drives costs down and quality up. Until government schools have competition, there is no incentive to be more proficient, increase educational outcomes, and reduce teacher inefficiency. You can just keep rolling along with arbitrary teacher tenure, protection for ill-behaved children, and lack of control over violence in schools.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but what I know is spending more money on schools is not the answer, and creating competition is at least one answer.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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What If She Walks In?

When Religion Gets in the Way

This picture has circulated with the headline, “Can this woman enter the church?” Here, I provide no fancy sentences. No backspaces or rewrites. No thought out linguistical creativity. Just typing as fast as I can, on purpose. This post took me almost the same amount of time to write it as it will for you to read it. Straight from the gut. No glitter. No empiricism. Just raw, lived experience with religion getting directly in the way of good decisions.

At First, Everything is Good

You find your favorite parking spot. You are greeted on the way in. You grab your latte. Hug a neck or two. You go in to find your favorite seat. The one you sit in every Sunday. It’s your comfort zone. From that seat, you look over and there’s the gentleman from the grocery store. Over there is the lady who found your dog after he got out. Right behind you is the family you’ve known since the husband and wife were children. Oh, and on the other side is your kids’ former baseball coach when they played little league. You’re comfortable there. These are your people. Then she walks in.

You know, the girl that you watched get arrested last week outside the grocery store for stealing formula. Or the one who you just knew was a bad apple. You told your daughter to never hang out with that girl. She was trouble. But here she is. By herself. Her face says she’s miserable. Her body says she’s been abused. Her hair says she just doesn’t care. But then there’s a tear. Her tears say she’s had enough.

Enough

Enough of whatever brought about this calamity. Enough of trying it the same way and hoping for different results. Enough of the constant drama. Enough crying herself to sleep, wondering what a peaceful night of sleep would be like. Enough looking over her shoulder for her abuser.

Then she sits down, not near your seat, but in your seat. The one you’ve sat in for 20 years. You can’t believe it. What do you do? What if she walks in and you’re faced with the fact that she knows you?

How Do You Respond?

If your response is anything other than sitting beside her, you need to revaluate where God wants you to grow right now. In this moment, she is fragile. She knows she doesn’t fit in. She was certain the moment she walked in she would get struck by lightning. But somehow, that didn’t happen. If you shun her, her preconceived notions about “church people” will be realized. If no one talks to her, her isolation will increase.

It’s in this very moment you must become the only Jesus she may see that day. You may be the only opportunity she gets to see exactly how Matthew felt when Jesus asked him to have a party at his house. You may be the only representation of what it felt like when Jesus told a fouled-mouthed fisherman named Simon to follow him. You may be the only shot she has to experience what it was like for Jesus to look up at Zacchaeus and ask to hang out with him.

What do you do with that opportunity? Do you squander it because you are uncomfortable? Do you miss out on using what God blessed you with? We are blessed to be a blessing, not to hoard it. Or do you introduce yourself? Maybe you hug her. Tell her it will be alright. Smile at her throughout the service. Tell her you’re glad she came and hopes she comes back.

The Difference May Be You

This small, short, simple interaction may be the difference in her life. How do I know? Years ago, two teenage boys saw something going on in their community and showed up. It happened to be a pop-up church service. As they entered, they quickly realized the place was pretty full. They turned to leave. An unassuming usher asked them if he could take a minute to find them seats. They obliged. Seats were found. By the end of the service, one of the boys surrendered his life to the calling he felt from God. This young man went on to be known as Billy Graham. One usher, a 15-second interaction. It changed everything.

You have no idea if that girl you once were repulsed by is the next worship leader somewhere. You don’t know if her calling is into the mission field to change countless lives. And either your kindness propels her in that direction, or your self-righteous religious dogma sends her the other way, back to how she got here in the first place.

A Call To Action

I urge you to wrestle with this scenario. Place yourself directly in this position. What would you do?

I once heard a man say, “I looked at God and I looked in the mirror and the two looked nothing alike.” If your response doesn’t look like Jesus, then this is your next step for growth. We all have areas for growth. This just may be yours.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Why Therapy is So Hard For Men

The Attempt at Growth in an Unwelcomed Room

Men walking into therapy often feel like they’ve stepped into a room designed for someone else. The reasons are so vast, but here, I’ll address nine of them: Face to face communication, vulnerability is mocked, the zero-sum game, imbalanced topics, the feminine standard, socially constructed lies, therapy lacks humor, pathologizing biology, and men feel like no one cares. I invite you to read this with an open mind. Again, this is not exhaustive, just representative.

Face to Face vs. Side by Side

Men tend to communicate best side by side, not face to face.

That simple difference matters more than most people realize. Face-to-face communication, in male psychology, carries two common meanings: confrontation or vulnerability. Across most of male social life, communication happens while doing something. Driving, fishing, fixing a truck, lifting weights, or watching a game. The conversation happens alongside the activity, not in direct emotional spotlight.

  • Put two men shoulder to shoulder and they’ll talk for hours.
  • Put them in two chairs staring directly at each other in a quiet office and the everything changes. It can feel interrogative or emotionally exposed in a way that men aren’t accustomed to.

Side-by-side communication lowers the pressure. It creates breathing room. The activity gives the conversation a rhythm. In many cases, men open up more easily when the focus isn’t entirely on them.

Vulnerability is Mocked

Another barrier appears when a man finally does attempt vulnerability.

Often this moment happens awkwardly and without practice. A man who has spent decades learning to contain his emotions suddenly tries to express them. Then it comes out unclear or the timing is confusing to the spouse.

Then comes the worst possible response.

The spouse, not expecting this new approach, reacts with confusion or even mockery. Not necessarily malicious mockery. Often it’s disbelief. Then comes a comment like, “What are you doing? You’re fine. Just grill the steaks!”

To the man, that moment carries enormous psychological weight. He took a risk. The risk was rejected. The brain quickly learns a lesson… vulnerability leads to humiliation.

The defense mechanism that follows is predictable. He shuts down. Not because he refuses growth, but because the interaction signaled danger.

Zero-Sum Game

Discussions about men’s mental health often trigger an odd cultural reflex.

Some people hear “men’s mental health” and interpret it as an attempt to take attention away from women’s issues. The conversation becomes competitive, as if compassion and understanding are limited resources.

But mental health is not a zero-sum game.

Helping men does not harm women. Helping women does not harm men. Human suffering doesn’t require a ranking system. It simply requires attention and care.

Men’s health advocates don’t want the spotlight shifted from women to men, but rather just broadened to cover both. We can think two things at the same time.

Imbalanced Topics

Many therapists sit down with men and immediately ask about their feelings.

That sounds reasonable. Therapy, after all, deals with emotions. But the timing matters. Sometimes a man walks into therapy and only wants to know why Chris didn’t like his new boat.

On the surface that seems trivial. A therapist may quickly assume there’s a deeper emotional wound underneath. Maybe insecurity. Maybe validation issues.

And sometimes that’s true.

But sometimes the man is just thinking about his boat.

Men often process thoughts through practical details before moving into emotional territory. Jumping immediately into emotional analysis can feel intrusive or premature. It creates a sense that everything must be turned into a psychological excavation.

Write the comment down. Let the conversation breathe. If there is deeper meaning, it will surface naturally over time.

Not every statement needs to become a therapeutic breakthrough the moment it’s spoken.

The Feminine Standard

Traditional couples therapy tends to follow a very specific format.

Two partners sit across from each other. They speak calmly. They take turns describing their feelings. The therapist facilitates reflective listening and emotional validation.

  • For many women, this format feels natural and productive.
  • For many men, it’s exausting and feels like psychological quicksand.

The environment emphasizes emotional articulation, sustained eye contact, and prolonged discussion of feelings. These communication styles generally suit women more often than men.

Many men would rather resolve conflict in a more active setting. Talking loudly over music while shooting pool. Arguing during a long drive. Venting frustration while tossing darts or putting golf balls across the living room/office.

Conversations often become more honest when they’re embedded in action rather than stifled by stillness.

Socially Constructed Lies

For generations, men have been told a story about themselves.

The story says men must have everything together. Real men don’t need help. Real men solve problems alone.

That story is both deeply embedded in culture and deeply false.

Human beings are social creatures by design. Our brains evolved to cooperate, communicate, and share burdens. Isolation is suffocating.

There is nothing weak about asking another person for perspective. Sometimes a man simply wants help understanding why his wife yells so much or why they have a sexless marriage.

Therapy Lacks Humor

Therapists are just too damn serious.

The atmosphere can feel like a funeral for joy. Every comment is analyzed. Every sentence is treated like a symptom. Laughter gets awkward.

But men often process difficult emotions through humor.

Sarcasm, joking, and playful exaggeration are not avoidance mechanisms by default. Sometimes they are emotional pressure valves.

I have a client who laughs when he expresses dissent, frustration, resentment, and he usually does it through humorous sarcasm. I often join him in laughter. Sometimes that’s enough.

Pathologizing Biology

Often couples therapy is led by a woman who knows nothing about what you just read and works solely on how men can be more like women.

Many therapeutic frameworks were developed around communication patterns more common among women. This creates an unconscious bias.

But men and women are not identical creatures psychologically or biologically.

When therapy treats male tendencies, like directness, emotional restraint, and action-oriented thinking, as defects that must be corrected, men understandably resist. The result is more men rejecting the notion that the only solution to their marital problems is if he learns to cry at Hallmark movies. Men do not need to become women in order to become healthy partners.

They Feel No One Cares

After enough experiences like these, many men arrive at a bleak conclusion.

They believe no one truly cares whether they struggle or not.

If society cared, people would try harder to understand how men communicate. Vulnerability would be welcomed rather than mocked. Mental health would not be framed as a competition. Masculine biology would be studied rather than dismissed.

When men feel fundamentally misunderstood, disengagement becomes the logical response. Why participate in a system that feels designed without you in mind?

The tragedy is that this perception reinforces silence. Silence deepens suffering. And suffering, left alone long enough, begins to convince people they are invisible. And this is how we get to the staggering suicide statistics that exist today.

When therapy learns to meet men where they actually are, the resistance often softens, and the conversation that was once impossible becomes tangible. I’ve seen this firsthand. Men can have flourishing lives and fixing the broken therapeutic system is a good step towards this realization.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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According to Research, You and I Are Probably Wrong

Curiosity, Conversation, and the Quiet Collapse of a Divided Society

In Case You Missed Recent Articles

The recent “No Kings” protests garnered less attention than previous rallies. While it seems to be dying out, it still got my attention. I spoke with people who attended them, read write-ups on the protests, and watched various clips covering the day’s events. I was curious as to what exactly they were protesting. The results were baffling.

Some of the main points included:

  • Executive orders
  • Removing illegal aliens
  • Ignoring the constitution

I couldn’t help but think, where were these outcries when Biden was in office? These are some of the same things the other side were upset about when Biden was in office. I thought, why are they mad now, but not back then? And why are conservatives not mad now, but were back then?

Executive Orders

It is fair to say Trump has issued the most EOs in recent history. As of this writing, here are the EO numbers to date:

  • Trump – 220 in his first term and 255 so far
  • Biden issued 150
  • Obama issued 276.

All three president’s numbers warrant a tyranny label. For reference, James Madison issued 1 in eight years. One.

Deportations

Where were the “No Kings” rallies during the Obama administration? As of this writing, here are the deportation numbers by president:

  • Trump: approximately 1 million
  • Biden: approximately 1.5 million
  • Obama: approximately 3 million (Garnering the nickname Deporter-in-Chief)

Where was the deportation outrage among liberals from 2008-2024? There should have either been outrage this entire time, or no outrage now. And where are the conservatives now that were outraged during the terms of Obama and Biden?

When asked which constitutional amendment, provision, clause Trump is ignoring, the only answer I got was “All of them!” They simply could not answer it. They had no defense of their own. The binary approach is what is disingenuous. It’s not that they disagree with tyranny, it’s that their team isn’t in office.

There is a current issue with this on the other side. Conservatives are no better. Why aren’t more conservatives speaking out against the number of EOs? I understand the need for them, but the abuse is rampant and every president uses them like tyrannical building blocks. They have no place in a republic.

For the record, I haven’t seen much in the way of ignoring the U.S. Constitution on the part of Obama or Trump. Biden, however, trampled on it, particularly through Covid.

A Call to Action

So why are we only hearing about the president on the “other side?” (Reminder, you don’t have a side. They don’t care about you. And the sooner you realize this, the better off your mental health will be).

We must find a way to bridge this divide. The reality that we cannot see or understand those on the “other side” is quietly dissolving the moral and social fabric upon which our society depends.

Homophily is common. This is the tendency to interact with those similar to ourselves more often than those considered different. You see this every day. Think about who you’re drawn to.

  • Frequents the same establishments
  • Enjoys the same hobbies
  • Has a similar intellect
  • Similar familial situation
  • Political and religious worldview

What Research Says

Individuals tend to underestimate the extent to which dialogue with those holding opposing views can refine their thinking and enhance their understanding of complex issues. Multiple research studies suggest that individuals may underestimate their level of agreement with a piece of communication from across the political aisle.

  • People expect that listening to opposing views will be unpleasant (Dorison et al., 2019). This was found to be a forecasting error. Their assumption stood directly in their way, subsequently affecting information consumption.
  • They expect that others who do not share their views will respond negatively to them (Wald et al., 2024). They found that people underestimate the degree of common ground that would emerge in conversation and from failing to appreciate the power of social forces in conversation that create social connection.
  • People are afraid they will not feel heard by others during a conversation (Teeny & Petty, 2022). Feeling, in advance, that they will not be heard, they are significantly more reluctant to enter into conversation with anyone with opposing views.
  • Brand new research showed that each participant underestimated levels of depolarization after having a conversation with them about various topics: Dogs vs cats, cancel culture, Biden’s performance as president (Kardas et al., 2026). All had the same outcome. Another finding within this study was that if one was told that it’s been shown that polarization reduces after conversations with others with different viewpoints, their own polarization reduced, without the conversation ever having taken place. Just the idea that someone else may have a different view and that previous experiments showed most depolarized after discussions caused a solid shift in their own polarization. Each participant found unexpected areas of agreement when discussing issues typically viewed as polarized.
  • Todd Kashdan proposed that curiosity itself was a driving factor behind reluctance towards political conversation. His team found that people incorrectly assumed others would be closed-minded towards cross-aisle conversations. Yet when they discovered that their political in-group displayed more humility and open-mindedness than originally anticipated, their curiosity increased, leading to more fruitful and willing conversations across the aisle (Kashdan et al., 2025).

Tribalism Must Go

Moral of the story? You’re probably wrong. And so am I. And that’s ok. Let’s change. Tribalism is a cancer. It does no one any good. It becomes evident that we have misjudged the depth of our own intellectual flexibility, as well as that of others, underestimating our shared capacity to adapt, to remain curious, and to reshape our thinking in response to new evidence. I’ve been as guilty as anyone. I get caught up in, “They’re not going to listen to anything I have to say anyway, I’m not going to waste my time.”

Sometimes this is rooted in a quiet but powerful presumption that we already possess the truth, and that the task of the other is merely to recognize it and follow. In such a posture, curiosity is not only diminished but also displaced, though it may be the most essential element of all.

Such curiosity led me to here. Years ago, I decided to learn. Really learn. And the more I learned, the more I understood the premise behind Socrates’ claim, “I am the wisest among you because I know nothing.” He found that the more he learned, the more he realized how much was out there to learn. And he possessed a small, minute fraction of the information available. For me, this led to openness and curiosity. Which led to anti-tribalism.

As stated in my first book, America’s Great Threat: America, America won’t fall from the outside. It will collapse from within, foremost among the causes is a rigid, binary way of thinking that divides people and discourages curiosity.

End Tribalism!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

References

Dorison, C. A., Minson, J. A., & Rogers, T. (2019). Selective exposure partly relies on faulty affective forecasts. Cognition, 188, 98–107. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cognition.2019.02.010

Kardas, M., Nordgren, L., & Rucker, D. (2026). Unnecessarily divided: Civil conversations reduce attitude polarization more than people expect. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 130(2), 187–214. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspa0000469

Kashdan, T. B., McKnight, P. E., Kelso, K., Craig, L., & Gross, M. (2025). Enhancing curiosity with a wise intervention to improve political conversations and relationships. Scientific Reports, 15(1), 40272–11. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-025-24021-8

Teeny, J. D., & Petty, R. E. (2022). Attributions of emotion and reduced attitude openness prevent people from engaging others with opposing views. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 102, 104373. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2022.104373

Wald, K. A., Kardas, M., & Epley, N. (2024). Misplaced divides? Discussing political disagreement with strangers can be unexpectedly positive. Psychol Sci, 35(5), 471–488. https://doi.org/10.1177/09567976241230005

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Don’t Throw the Message Out With the Mess-Ups

Logic Dies When Identity Speaks

Kid Rock & Bad Bunny

Do your best to read this with an open mind and an attempt to discover something new.

The Super Bowl halftime show was talked about more than the game. This has been the norm for the last few years. But this year, because of the strong political divide, there were two halftime shows. One for “each side.” This phrase alone is incredibly stupid to say. What’s a side? You have no side. They don’t care about you. And the fact that they’ve duped you into thinking you have a side that resembles any form of allegiance to you is stupefying.

So in come the predictable and tired political slogans and hateful rhetoric aimed at the “other side.”

“All Spanish! Yay diversity!”

“All Spanish?, we speak English!”

“It’s goIng to be sexy and lit!”

“It’s going to be vulgar!”

“Only thing more powerful than hate is love.”

“How many women does he love? His first song suggests too many!”

The next predictability were those praising the other halftime show. It was terrible. Lee Brice was ok. The others were very subpar. Until it got to Dr. Phil’s redneck cousin. Kid Rock was amazing. And I’m not a Kid Rock fan. Overall, it wasn’t a great show. But good luck telling that to MAGA.

“This was the best. Screw Bad Bunny!”

“I ain’t watching no Spanish show. ‘Merca!”

But the not so predictable part was when many turned on against Kid Rock for singing about Jesus.

The angle was that he, at one time, was a womanizer, and maybe even pedophile. There’s no evidence for the latter. But he was definitely the former. And wild. And crazy. And redneck. But like all people, we change. He did too, apparently. This takes me to my main point.

Tribalism Enters Center Stage

In one show, you have a man who is clearly currently a total womanizer who blatantly disrespects women and does an entire show about how every woman wants him and he does what he wants to them and leaves. But his most notable message was “The only thing more powerful than hate is love.”

On the other show, you have a character who has also ruffled some feathers, past and present, who ends up with a message saying “You can give your life to Jesus, till you can’t.”

Both artists controversial. Both have disreputable pasts. Both brought a strong positive message. This causes me to ask two questions?

  1. Why is one better (or worse) than the other?
  2. Why are we dismissing the message because of the messenger?

The only possible answer to the 1st question: Tribalism. And the answer to the 2nd question? See 1st question.

  • Solomon gave us the wisest book of the Bible.
  • King David gave us the most passionate book in the Bible.
  • Moses is the father of Jewish law and a foundational pillar of the Christian faith.
  • One left his first wife, hopped in bed with every chick this side of the Euphrates, decided to have multiple wives, who, eventually, were his downfall.
  • Another had an affair and killed her husband, who was his most loyal soldier, to cover up the affair.
  • Another killed a man because he got pissed off.

Do we throw their message out because of their mess-ups? I hope not. I have a lot of good things to say to help people live their best lives. But if you knew me in high school, you may not listen. Because I was a jack-wagon. Ernest Hemmingway and Robin Williams had plenty of good to say but ultimately couldn’t live by their own words. There have been many people in places of leadership that have positively altered the course of people’s lives, changing them forever, yet found themselves in a career-ending scandal.

There’s a strong psychological pull to dismiss a message once we discover flaws in the person delivering it. When someone lives inconsistently with what they teach, the instinct is to label everything they said as invalid. That reaction is understandable, but it isn’t always objective. Information can still carry value independent of the character of the person who delivered it. Sometimes the messenger is simply the vehicle. While the insight itself remains useful, constructive, or even transformative.

The tribalism has to end. There’s no real progress until we see through each other’s eyes.

I thank God every day there were no smart phones when I was in school. I thank God I’m forgiven. Thank God I’ve been given a second chance.

Don’t throw the message out with the mess-ups.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

Posted on

The Freedom of Limits

Less Echoes, More Challenges

This isn’t one of those articles that brings research, data, science, into the discussion. This one is the eyeball test. What I see, what is working, and what’s not working.

Back Story

When I began officiating college basketball, it was primarily due to how poorly basketball was being officiated. I set out to show it was possible to work hard and be a good referee. I quickly garnered a reputation for, “That’s one of the good ones.” As if to suggest this is rare.

Fast forward. Many years later, I’m serving in a pastoral counseling role at my church when my wife says, “You should consider doing this for a living.” That sparked a desire to understand where the industry was. It didn’t take long to understand that this industry was ideologically captured by group-think minions that dare you to present facts and refuse to test the ideas they espouse proudly.

  • Affirm at all costs
  • Validate anything and everything
  • Make them feel seen and heard so they return
  • Don’t challenge them or they will end their own lives and you will be the reason why

This all made no sense to me. If counseling becomes solely a space for affirmation without thoughtful challenge, its value diminishes. Effective therapy involves both validation and constructive confrontation. Helping clients examine assumptions, recognize blind spots, and consider alternative perspectives rather than simply reinforcing existing beliefs.

But that’s just it, we have moved beyond the ability to think critically, but rather homogenously. It’s an incessant drilling of like-minded, echo-chambered mobs with pitchforks daring others to get in their way. “If they believe they’re a microwave, you better find the popcorn button!” But there’s a problem, it simply doesn’t work.

Therapeutic Madness

I recently read an article that made me almost come out of my chair and yell in excitement at the screen, “Yes! That’s what I’m saying!” Skye Sclera’s primary point was how therapy seems to be ideologically homogenous and in denial that another perspective exists. When therapy becomes this rooted in groupthink, it reduces its quantitative reach. And when clinicians struggle to establish clear behavioral limits, clients may interpret this as implicit permission for unrestricted behavioral choices, including those that may be maladaptive or harmful. It’s like a menu that has way too many options. You’re not impressed, you’re overstimulated. That’s because there’s liberty in limits. But good luck telling the therapeutic community that.

The Outcry

Lately, there have been an influx of mothers entering our office making this statement, “I heard you had a man here that talks to teenage boys and knows how to make the rest of our lives more peaceful. Well, I need this guy to see my son. Because he is wreaking havoc on our home and something has to change!” The last five mothers who entered saying this, I accepted as clients. Here are some examples:

New Dad

One comes in, looking everywhere but in my eyes. Talks at me instead of to me. We begin talking about how he ended up in my office (most of my clients are court-ordered). As he states why, I quickly see that this young man doesn’t have a man in his life telling him how to and how not to act in public. So I ask. Nope. No man. So I lean in. “You want to be exactly like your father who is sitting in a prison cell? No? Then you should start acting like a real man. You have a baby on the way. Do you wish to be the dad you never had? Yeah? Then you will need to start acting like a man. So far, you resemble a little boy who argues and fights his way through everything. Men discuss. Men care. Men protect and provide but also nurture and love. You are on your way to being cellmates with your dad if you don’t do something different!” He clearly needed to hear this. Because his mom told him he didn’t have to go to therapy if he didn’t want to. Yet he chose to continue.

Little Boy Syndrome

Another one came in looking down and away, steady RBF. Made it clear he didn’t want any part of this. Again, I leaned in. “Sounds like you wanted to be treated like a man.” He nods yes. “Then you should start acting like one. Men don’t look down when they’re talking to people. Men don’t cuss their mothers. Men don’t sit back and wait for good things to happen. They make good things happen. They initiate. They help. They make everyone’s life around them better because they’re in it. Little boys cause more problems. And you’re causing more problems for your family.”

This particular young man goes back to court. His mother tells the judge about our conversations. Leaves it to the young man where to go for therapy. He says he wants to see me because I’m “different.”

What makes me different? I fully believe it’s because I don’t let them stay where they are.

“Who you are isn’t nearly as important as who you could be. And who you could be isn’t here. So let’s go find him.”

Mom’s Despair

A mother comes in with her arms open. “The last 5 therapists I saw didn’t understand. They validate my son’s anger outbursts. Affirm his rudeness and violent tirades. They say that we must let him feel his emotions fully. Am I going crazy or does that sound like a bad idea?” I then spoke about how young men need structure that’s not sugar-coated but blunt and forward directed. I told her that I believed his previous therapists were trying to exorcise the masculine out of him, assuming that was the demon within, and installing a feminine chip would solve everything. But it won’t.

As I told her some of the strategies I use on teenage boys, she began to cry. But they were tears of joy. For the first time, she encountered feedback that resonated with psychological clarity. Rather than vague reassurance, she heard a formulation grounded in behavioral principles. I spoke of the benefits of structured incentives, consistent boundaries, and predictable consequences. At the same time, supporting his development likely requires a balanced approach. Allowing meaningful autonomy while maintaining appropriate parental guidance rather than granting full control. No one had ever expressed the need for him to be called up, not out.

Quenching the Thirst Using Limits

What I hear is an outcry from both mothers and young men for something real and not ideological. Something that beckons to evolutionary psychology. Something that is a calling card to their given biology. That it’s ok to be masculine. It’s ok to be tough. It’s ok to be angry. It’s ok to be confused. And it’s ok to express emotion.

It’s as if they have been wandering in a desert and someone just gave them a drink of cold water.

This must be how Jordan Peterson felt when he realized how many men were responding to his call to stand up straight, put on your best clothes, look a man in the eye, make your bed, and treat yourself like someone you’re responsible for. I’ve seen many interviews when people ask him to acknowledge this influence and he is reduced to tears. Now I know why. It’s sadness knowing that all they needed was fundamental encouragement to revolutionize their lives mixed with the pure joy of seeing it come to fruition.

I’m seeing it now. Every day. We don’t need more therapists who just nod and validate everything. We need more who actually challenge people. Therapists willing to call out what’s broken and call people up to something better. Ones who aren’t afraid to say the uncomfortable, unpopular truths that actually change lives. Because drowning clients in feelings while ignoring reality isn’t compassion, it’s avoidance. And whether the field admits it or not, a lot of people are starving for someone who will finally be honest with them. But if you ask a therapist, they’ll say these clients are misguided and haven’t found their “true self.” Yes they have. And now I’m normalizing their true self with structure and boundaries. And the evidence is right before me. There’s freedom in limits.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Single Awareness Day

Why Being You and Working On You Are Both Good

This is for my single friends.

When I was single I celebrated the hatred of Valentine’s Day. Literally got with other miserable young men and drank to the hatred of Valentine’s Day. I’m still not excited about the marketing pressure to make purchases you shouldn’t in order to meet cultural norms. It’s worse in dating than marriage. But still awful.

Here are some things I wish I knew when I was younger.

Why Do You Get Married?

If you marry because you love them, you’ll divorce them because you don’t love them. Love cannot and will not be a sustaining factor in marriage. It must be commitment. Commitment when it’s hard, messy, gross, frustrating, and truly no fun.

The work gets you through the tough times and makes the good times better than they have ever been.

Note: For Christians, you must marry someone solely because you believe God put this person in your path on purpose. What God put together let no man separate.

Marital Problems

Martial problems are rarely marital problems. They’re almost always singleness problems that never got dealt with.

Deal with you. Make you better. A partner won’t transform you. They will just exacerbate what’s already there. So put yourself in the strongest position possible before expecting success. Your relationship will never be successful if either of you are still broken.

Single Is a Whole Number

You aren’t a fraction of a person when you’re single. You aren’t second rate. Inferior. Missing out on life. You’re single. Some choose to stay single their whole lives. Some don’t. But if you’re someone who wishes you weren’t single, it’s ok. You won’t be forever. Just for now. If you rush, it will be a mistake.

What You Emit, You Attract

I had a daughter that at age 13 was posting sports bra pictures on Instagram. I sat her down and asked her what type of guy will like that post. She thought about it, and with honesty, said, “Boys that only care about one thing.” Yup.

“What kind of boy would respond to a post where you have a cute outfit on holding a cup of coffee and a Bible?” She said, “The marrying kind.” Yup.

The presentation you deliver into the world will equal the response you receive. If you give thot vibes, you will get thots in your DMs. If you give classy vibes, you’ll get classy in your DMs. Work on your presentation. And be the person you want.

Familiarity

There was a study done at Yale involving 3-month-old to 7-month-old babies. The experiment involved three phases: Good vs bad, same vs different, the first two combined.

Infant Morality

In the experiment, they performed a puppet show for the babies. A gray bunny was trying to open a box but was struggling. Along came an orange bunny and helped him finish opening the box. Next, while the gray bunny was trying to open the box, a blue bunny came along and abruptly shut the box door so the gray bunny couldn’t open it. They then presented the two bunnies for the infant to choose. Over 70% of the time they chose the good bunny.

Taste Buds Rule

Next, they presented two types of food. Cheerios and Golden Grahams. The baby selected. Then the green bunny chose the same food they chose, while the purple bunny chose the other food and saying they didn’t like the food the baby chose. Again, they were tasked to choose a bunny. Over 70% chose the bunny who chose the same food.

A Fork in the Road

Lastly, they took the green and purple bunny and placed them in the first scenario. The green bunny who chose the same food as the baby was the bad bunny (no, not the Super Bowl guy) who slammed the box down. The purple bunny who chose a different food was the good bunny. They were at a crossroads. Do they choose the good bunny who chose a different food or the bad bunny who chose the same food? The majority chose the bad bunny who chose the same food. Familiarity took priority over morality.

Be intentional in choosing the right person, not the familiar person. This explains why people choose abusive partners. I had a client in my office last week. First session. She tells me her ex-husband was abusive and she just broke up with an abusive man. I asked her how often her dad abused her. She just started sobbing. She had yet to mention her dad. She didn’t have to. She found what was familiar.

It’s why people go back to spouses that abuse them. It’s familiar. And I get why. New is scary. It’s unchartered territory. It’s unknown. It’s just much easier to go back to what we already know, even if what we know is not good for us. This is why we must surround ourselves with the right people who will support us in this transition out of what’s familiar and into what’s best.

DO NOT settle for familiar. In fact, don’t settle at all. You’re worth more. See your value the same way you value others.

Lastly, when you do find a partner, don’t make Valentine’s Day such a big deal. It’s just another way retailers found to market our emotions. I treat my wife like she’s a queen every single day of our lives. Therefore, when Valentine’s Day gets here, it’s just another day.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

Posted on

I Forgive You

The Burden That Affects Only One

I have written about forgiveness before, but in response to an article and a cultural event that took place. You can see that HERE. This time, I want to make it personal. Because it is. Here’s my story. Try your best to respond to the call to action at the end.

I forgive you. Yeah you, the one who told me you would place me under investigation so that I would leave the company because you didn’t want any white people there.

I forgive you. Yeah you, the one who told me I would not get the job though I was most qualified because I was a white male.

I forgive you. Yeah you, the one who told me that the only way I’d ever be a good therapist was if I were to become a woman.

I forgive you. Yeah you, the one who went behind me, told outright lies, and got me removed from the band because you wanted full credit for any future success of that artist.

Aas far as I know, each one of those individuals above are still alive. But if they were deceased, it wouldn’t change the statement. I forgive them. Why?

Forgiveness is an internal dialogue. Though it is expressed externally. Forgiveness is you drawing a hard line in your own mind and body. This wound does not get unlimited access to my life. The injury happened, but it doesn’t get to run the system anymore. You’re telling your nervous system to stand down, telling your thoughts to stop orbiting the damage, and reclaiming the bandwidth that pain once consumed. From that point forward, you’re not drifting in reaction, you’re moving with intention. Focus replaces fixation. Direction replaces rumination. And your future stops being negotiated by your past.

My Experience

I was working at a large corporation. I had risen to the top 5 in the entire company in sales. I was being celebrated by many in the company that were not in my area. Meanwhile, in my area, there was a black woman that sat me down and told me a harsh truth. I had applied for a supervisor position leading a sales team. She said that she did not want me to get the supervisor’s position.

As a result, I did not get it. She told me it was because she wanted her black female friends to get it because we need more “diversity.” Diversity had come to be known as non-white. She said, and I quote, “The last thing this company needs is more white men telling black people what to do.” Another supervisor’s position became available. I applied again. This time, someone above her stated that being top 5 in the company means something and that he was giving me a shot. But I had to work for “her.” As soon as I got the job, she told me that she would see to it that I’m no longer there.

She had opened an investigation into another supervisor, a mixed male. Again stating that we need more females in the company. Shortly thereafter, she opened one on me, completely inventing infractions. My coworker sweat through it and hung on. I did not. I moved on.

I was in another industry. I went to the boss and discussed getting hired for certain positions. He plainly told me that we need more black people and that I would not get the job, “So don’t even bother applying.” I was more qualified and had more experience. It did not matter.

I’ve already written about this, but basically, I was in class and told that in order to be a good therapist, you have to be a woman. If you’re a man, you have to be feminine. You can’t be masculine in any way. But being a straight white Christian male made it impossible to be a good therapist and that I needed to rethink my career choices.

Each of these individuals left a mark on me. It stung. Each of these individuals was in a place of authority and, by default, I looked up to them. Each said what they said because they knew there were no repercussions. Being racist or sexists was perfectly acceptable as long as it was against white males. And I’m not the lawsuit type. I like the path of least resistance.

Fortunately, I’m surrounded by wise men and women. And these wise individuals encouraged me to see it for what it was; a power grab rooted in ideological homogeny centered around group think that has placed blinders over their eyes to the possibility that someone could disagree with them and be right. So I forgave them.

How Do You Know When You’ve Forgiven Them?

You know forgiveness has actually happened when their name stops having power over your nervous system. It comes up, a familiar scenario resurfaces, and there’s no spike. No heat. No internal recoil. Just neutrality.

My wife had to forgive her ex-husband and her father for years of harm. Today, when they’re mentioned, she doesn’t relive the story. She simply says she hopes and prays they’ve changed. That’s the difference. Forgiveness isn’t sentimental, it’s neurological. The person who once hijacked your emotions no longer lives rent free in your head. Their name becomes just a sound, not a trigger. And in that moment, you realize something radical. You’re no longer reacting. You’re choosing

Studies

There are studies showing a link between forgiveness and physical health. One such meta-analysis (Lee & Enright, 2019) showed forgiveness having a positive effect on the sympathetic nervous system, endocrine production, brain activity, blood pressure, cholesterol, and the immune system (N = 58,531, r = 0.14, p < 0.001).

Your Turn

Who do you need to forgive? Your story is likely much worse than mine. Murder. Rape. Molestation. Sex trafficking. Domestic violence. Psychological abuse. Malevolently turning the children against you. The list goes on and on. People do awful things at times.

You may be asking, “Why should I forgive them? They don’t deserve that.” And you would be right. They don’t. I don’t deserve the forgiveness I receive either. And neither do you. That’s why.

So I’ll ask again, who do you need to forgive? Don’t wait. Don’t put it off. Forgive them today, tonight. Even if you don’t have a way to tell them. Forgive them. Tell someone that you’ve done so. You will begin to feel a weight lifted off of your shoulders. Peace is achievable. But not with unforgiveness lurking in the background.

To my Christian brothers and sisters. Forgiving is not an option. It is a command. We are able to forgive others because God forgave us. Remember, we didn’t deserve the forgiveness God extended, no one does. So forgive.

One last time, Who Do You Need to Forgive?

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

References

Lee, Y., & Enright, R. D. (2019). A meta-analysis of the association between forgiveness of others and physical health. Psychology & Health, 34(5), 626–643. https://doi.org/10.1080/08870446.2018.1554185