The Best a Man Can Be
The new Gillette ad sparked something in me…and I liked it. I understand why some men don’t want to be lectured on masculinity. A large number of us have been doing it right for some time. But I understand the need and the push for men to hold each other accountable and embrace their roles in society as well. The problem is, society has attempted to redefine what our role is. If you really want us to embrace our roles, then let us be who God created us to be.
God didn’t create us to be passive. He didn’t create us to be the fools on sitcoms. He created us to be strong, masculine, men who know when to say sorry, stop, enough, yes ma’am and thank you. We were created to know when to stand up to improper conduct and be the leader in the moment. To be the one that women and children lean on in times of fear and worry. Please eliminate the notion that we must raise boys to be weak, passive, spineless kids that grow up to be the subject of prime-time comedy shows. But there’s a balance. To whom much is given, much is required. It’s strong to stand up to mean people. But it’s also strong to stop and pray. It’s strong to treat your wife like a queen. It’s strong to say I’m sorry. The weakest thing you can do is pick on someone that can’t defend themselves. If you feel the need to pick on someone that can’t defend themselves, I beg you to please come pick on me instead.
To the best of my memory, I was never bullied nor did I bully. The only reason I was never bullied was because I was taller than everyone my age and I was pretty mean when I needed to be. But even in “my day”, bullying was not acceptable. It was never acceptable. I found myself, at times, stepping in when I saw something that I could tell was damaging someone. Because of who I was and my size, the incident ended. That’s about the extent of my knowledge of bullying. But there was this one time…
I had just transferred to a new middle school. Some girl decided to say what she thought of me out loud in front of her very popular boyfriend. He didn’t care too much for his girlfriend talking about some new kid. I’m walking my “girl” home and I look behind me and there’s approximately 20 boys being led by the “boyfriend” to find me and beat me up. My girl’s parents let me in the house until the mob subsided. I agreed to fight one but everyone else had to leave. They all left. So there was no fight. I remember what that felt like. It was the closest I can imagine a bullied person feeling like. It was awful. (Side note: the boyfriend and I became friends later in high school, never fought).
Bullying is definitely something that is easier to hide these days because of the digital world we live in. But news flash, it hasn’t gotten worse, it’s just recorded more often now. We didn’t have cell phones that recorded video when I was a kid. It’s basically the same but not much better either. It’s still rampant. There is a solution, but it’s not easy and requires help from many moving parts.
Then there’s men’s view of women. I’ve found over the years that boys who grew up with sisters treated girls much better than those who didn’t. This is primarily because they were forced to live in the same house with them and began to see them as humans capable of feelings, an intellectual equal and someone who had the potential to make the world a better place. In our society, if a boy isn’t forced to view a girl that way, she becomes an object of his overdrive of hormones. A means for sexual release. One of the reasons this is even a possibility is because they manage to find girls who have a poor self-image and are simply looking for that reassurance that they are smart, pretty, and worthy. They don’t value themselves at all. Thus the connection between a boy that only views her as an object and a girl that doesn’t have a father who’s instilled in her who she is and what she’s worth. So really, all parts are to blame for the existing crisis of bullying and sexual misconduct. There’s no one person or one group. We all play a part. Just look at the R. Kelly situation. Money and power bought him the opportunity to continue abusing women…to this day. So everyone plays a role in some way. I love talking about solutions more so than the problems. But that’s just it, the solution poses another problem.
In today’s climate, men are told that chivalry is sexist. They are taught by society that doing their God-given job of providing, leading, and protecting is also sexist. I submit to you that you can’t have it both ways. EITHER we let men hold doors open for women and protect them OR we do as they ask and get out of the way. I think the real solution is obvious. But it starts with fathers….”oh boy… here he goes again”. Yes, I may keep going until we have a crisis of men stepping up to lead their families and children.
Fathers: If you want to see young men grow up to treat women with the utmost respect, treat your wife with the utmost respect. If you want them to grow up not being a bully, let them see you feel. Let them see your compassion. Let them see you defend the honor of someone.
Mothers: If you want to see the same results, let the father do his job. Sometimes the mother stops the father from being the best father he can be because they are no longer together and she despises him. Sometimes they’re together and she despises him. But he’s still their father. It’s difficult, but you must LOVE your children MORE than you hate your ex. This may be difficult to grasp, but there are things that ALL children need that ONLY a father can provide.
Parents: One of the best things you can do for your children is treat your spouse or ex-spouse with the utmost respect, honor, and dignity regardless of how you feel about them at times. These are the things that lead to less bullying and less misconduct toward women. It’s a heart issue. You can’t legislate the heart.
No, I didn’t need someone to sit me down and teach me that I shouldn’t rape or bully. But I also had a father that was a good example of everyday living. All boys aren’t that fortunate. Men must step in and be role models when you see there’s a need there. And women must let men be men and hold them accountable when they act like boys. Then, and only then, we will be…..
The Best a Man can be.
Stay Classy GP!
Today’s culture seems to consistently say “it’s not your fault. The blame belongs to someone else.” When something happens to us, our response to it is based primarily on our history with the person or event. So we respond based on what we know and how we were taught. We have a small, but loud group of people in American culture that believe it is their duty to stand up for others who never asked for their help.
When you’re the victim, everyone else is to blame for every problem, even if it’s your fault. It justifies irresponsibility and makes you co-dependent on others to repair your victimization. Living with a Victorious mentality is when you realize it’s possible that something is your fault, owning it and not needing anyone to get you out of the mess you find yourself in, regardless if it’s your fault or not. YOU (or God in you) can get you out. Now you’re victorious over your circumstance. The sooner we shift our minds (be transformed by the renewing of our minds) from victim to victorious- even (and especially) in the face of adversity, the better our quality of life becomes. This applies to every area of life. I’ve somewhat struggled with this in the past, myself. But not anymore. Get there…I dare you.
Unfortunately, recently, I was on a family vacation and my brothers were informing my wife that I use “cut words” as well as anyone they know. The worst part of this is that she already knew all about it, first hand. It’s my most hated part of who I am. No doubt. It crushes people.
The Good- the Davidson/Crenshaw exchange was refreshing. One guy makes a mistake. Then apologizes. The other guy accepts. They bro-hug it out and move forward. I would encourage everyone to view how this was handled. The apology was accepted and they moved forward. When someone genuinely apologizes, most of the time, that’s really all they can do. Say sorry and hope to do better. But for some reason, we as a society hold them in “you offended me” jail. We don’t let them out. We continue to bash, accuse, and belligerently harp on whatever they did that they have apologized for. We have to understand that humans make mistakes. It’s what we do. So the next time someone apologizes, accept it and move on.
My brother and I once were asked to obey by cleaning the living room. I was slower to get up than my brother. He quickly became anxious and said “what about Jason? why isn’t he helping?” My dad then immediately instructed me to sit down in the living room and watch my brother clean the entire room by himself. He told my brother, “I told you to do something. What he does is not your concern. You worry about you.” My dad was looking for obedience and this was a chance to teach that. Does it sound harsh to make a kid clean a room while everyone else watches? Maybe to some. But I never forgot it. So it worked. It taught me about obedience.
I grew up around all boys. I understood boys. How they thought, felt, acted. I knew what a boy across the room was thinking without him ever saying a word. And it was usually about sports or boobs. I mean, what else was there? I never understood the difficulties and types of hard challenges that girls faced every day just being a girl. The way their mind worked. What was important to them. How fragile and soft they were. “That time of the month!” I never understood any of this until I had daughters. My daughters changed my entire life, starting with my thinking. I chose to be the best dad I could possibly be. By doing so, I had to begin to understand how a little girl worked. But the only way I was going to achieve this was to forget what I knew and genuinely listen to what they said. I teach my children and bonus children all the time that the key to life summed up in one word is “Others.” I had to, as a dad, put “others” before me. In doing so, I saw a brand new perspective on life. A totally different way of operating life. It was mind blowing…. for the better. Be transformed by the renewing of your gym membership. Wait… no… it’s the renewing of your mind.