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What Identity is Not

Knowing What It Is Not Helps Discover What It Is

I recently wrote about what forgiveness is not. We talk a lot about identity. It is helpful to know what identity is not so we can discover what identity is. We often confuse many aspects of our lives with identity, when in reality, they’re not identity at all.

Identity Is Not Your Vocation

Vocation is an assignment, not an identity. A job can change overnight. Careers rise and fall. A title may impress people for a season, but titles are temporary. If your sense of self is rooted in what you do, then failure, retirement, unemployment, or success itself can destabilize you. Many people lose themselves because they built their identity around productivity rather than personhood. Work matters, but work is a tool, not the foundation of the self. Your vocation is meant to express something deeper already established within you. It serves your identity, not create it. You are not a teacher, writer, pastor, mechanic, or executive first. Those are functions.

Vocation is what you do, not who you are.

Identity is Not Your Belief System

Beliefs are important, but beliefs are still capable of change. Rigidity of beliefs hinder. Human beings grow through correction, learning, suffering, and experience. It’s the stretching that produces positive change. Such malleability fluctuates. A person may hold one worldview at 20 years old and another at age 40. If identity is fused completely to a belief system, then every challenge to those beliefs feels like a threat to agency itself. That elicits a defensive and fearful reaction coupled with intellectual rigidity. Proper growth requires the ability to change without losing yourself. Truth should refine us, not destroy us. A mature person allows better information to reshape flawed understanding while remaining grounded in something deeper than opinion. Identity is deeper than opinion, beliefs are not. Beliefs should serve identity, not become identity. Your beliefs can evolve while your core self remains steady, rooted, stable, and anchored beyond shifting ideas and perspectives.

Beliefs are what you hold, not who you are.

Your Identity is Not Who You Marry

Marriage is sacred and meaningful, but it is still a relationship between two changing human beings. People grow, drift, mature, fail, and sometimes leave. Death itself inevitably culminates in separation of marriage. If your identity depends entirely upon another person remaining beside you, then your foundation is fragile. Many people lose themselves inside relationships because they confuse companionship with identity. A spouse is meant to walk with you, not define your existence. Marriage can enrich life, strengthen character, and deepen love, but it cannot bear the full scope of your identity. Your value existed before marriage and remains after loss.

A spouse helps you navigate, they’re not who you are.

Your Identity is Not Being a Parent

Parenthood is one of the most meaningful responsibilities a person can experience, but yet again, a role rather than identity. Children grow older, move away, develop independence, and eventually build lives of their own. Genesis 2:24 discusses leaving one’s mother and father to join to a spouse. They will leave eventually. Some parents lose themselves (and their marriage) because their entire sense of worth becomes attached to their children’s success, affection, or need for them. When that season changes, they feel empty and disoriented. Parenting should flow from identity, not replace it. A healthy parent guides, nurtures, disciplines, and loves from a stable center rather than using children to create personal meaning. Your existence does not begin with your children, nor does it end when they leave home.

Parenting is what you do, not who you are.

Your Identity is Not Your Political Affiliation

Political systems change constantly. Parties evolve, ideologies shift, leaders disappoint, and cultural movements rise and fall. When identity becomes fused with politics, disagreement begins to feel personal and opposing views feel like attacks on internal agency. This produces hostility, tribalism, pride, and even fear. A political affiliation may reflect values or priorities, but it cannot define the eternal nature of a person. Human beings are deeper than voting patterns or ideological categories. If your identity rests in politics, then every election becomes an emotional crisis and every shift in culture threatens stability. Politics should remain a tool for engaging society rather than the foundation of self.

Politics is a malleable mechanism for interacting with broader society, not who you are.

Your Identity Comprises Your Past, Present, and Future Self

True identity must remain consistent across time. If something can disappear, change, or be taken away, then it cannot be the deepest definition of who you are. Identity is the thread connecting your past, present, and future self into one continuous reality. Careers change, beliefs mature, relationships shift, and societal expectations and affiliations evolve, but identity remains stable beneath each movement. This understanding creates humility and flexibility because the ego no longer depends on always being correct. New information does not threaten existence, it simply refines understanding. A secure identity allows growth without collapse. We can admit error, abandon false ideas, and become wiser versions of ourselves because our core self is not built upon temporary external realities that constantly shift and change.

My Identity

This is not aimed to proselytize, only to share my sense of identity. My identity is that I am a child of God the Father. While you may ascertain this as a belief, a belief about ultimate reality is different from ideological attachment because it concerns ontology rather than opinion. I’m not arguing against convictions. I’m arguing against grounding the self in temporary or contingent things that possess the capacity to remove the ground from under us. Therefore, my identity rests in an immovable and unchangeable target.

This is the foundation beneath every other part of my life. I cannot be the ultimate reality in my life. I must gaze, with focus, on the ineffable telos. It’s in that upward aim that I can relinquish the need for being perfect, yet aim for such perfection, given that it only makes my life better. Because of such aim, as life flows, my identity remains untouched. It existed in my past, stands firm in my present, and extends into my future.

Consequently, I do not need temporary things to define me. Anything I do serves the purpose of being a child of the living God. My marriage serves that purpose. My children, convictions, relationships, and responsibilities all flow from that singular reality. This identity cannot be threatened by change because it is rooted beyond circumstance. Everything else in life is secondary and exists to support that eternal truth.

This is how we avoid identity crises. By rooting them in an eternal, unmoved, mover.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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A Man Without Guardrails

What the Miller’s Story Teaches Us About Accountability

John-Paul Miller and Mica Miller

Spoiler alert, details found in the documentary will be given here. If you’d rather watch the documentary, then read this, save this article for later.

Another pastor is under fire, but this time it’s worse than most. John-Paul Miller, pastor of Solid Rock Church in Myrtle Beach at the time, has been accused of some horrific things, that, by all accounts, likely happened.

Backstory

A 13-year-old girl, Mica, begins attending Solid Rock with her family. She continues in this church and becomes embedded into the culture there. Eventually, meets a young man, gets married at 18, and Pastor John-Paul marries them.

Mica gets on staff and some time after getting on staff begin having an affair with pastor PJ. PJ’s wife finds incriminating texts, pastor John-Paul confesses, and they divorce. Mica leaves her husband. Eventually, Mica and John-Paul begin an official relationship and ultimately get married.

Once married, pastor John-Paul began urging Mica to get a breast augmentation to be “as pretty as the other girls.” Once out of surgery, Mica had an adverse reaction to the anesthesia. She was hallucinating and speaking in ways no one could understand. She was eventually placed on medication and diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Where the Story Changes

Once in this condition, John-Paul began capitalizing on her weak mental state. His sexual desires had grown bizarre and he needed Mica to fulfill such fantasies. This involved homeless men and women to be included in their sexual escapades.

When Mica came to the realization this wasn’t healthy and she was being abused, she made an attempt to leave. This is where the stalking began. Slashed tires. More than 50 texts and calls in a day. She changes her number, he manages to find that number, and the stalking continued.

In the midst of this, an elder finds out that he is having multiple affairs with women from all over the country, including a woman in his congregation. She brings it to the rest of the elders and they do nothing. This is where the story turns for the worst.

He pushes her so aggressively, through his stalking, that she gets to a point where she believes the only way away from him is to end her own life. There is speculation that she didn’t pull the trigger. All evidence points to one person being there. I, personally, believe that she ended her own life as an escape from his relentless torment. John-Paul goes on to marry the woman he was already having an affair with.

John-Paul denies all of these allegations. But the sources are many different people that do not all know each other. It’s like someone once said to me, “If you say you don’t have bad breath, but 10 people all say you have bad breath, you probably have bad breath!”

Reactions

The copy and paste reaction to this was something along the lines of, “Of course, another pastor cheating and hurting!” And while this is true, it’s not because he’s a pastor, it’s because he’s a spoiled, sick, brat that never had consequences in his life carrying into his career as a pastor with no accountability to his elders.

It raises questions for me.

  1. Why have elders if you’re not going to be accountable to them?
  2. Why is the infraction almost always sexual in nature?
  3. Exactly what does this say about the pastoring profession?

Elders

Elders in the church are traditionally installed to hold the pastor accountable. In some congregations they are the deciding factor in the pastor’s tenure, and at times, his salary. Other congregations place elders as spiritual leadership to oversee, but not to have final decision-making authority. In every church, they are looked to as spiritual leaders.

Sexual Healing

The fact that most sins committed by pastors are sexual in nature, I believe, has multiple elements. Often, in today’s era, if the pastor is successful, he is probably attractive. He’s visually presentable and easy to focus on during lengthy messages. Therefore, he gets “offers” from “options” regularly.

Also, according to the book of James, leaders in the church are to be held to a higher standard than the general population. This standard is often set so high by the general population that no one can reasonably meet such standards. Therefore, they attempt to exercise impulsive desires in secret, which allows the cultivation and excessiveness of such desires to burn out of control without guardrails in place to preserve proper alignment with the position they hold as pastor. Fire without a border will destroy everything in its path. A man without accountability will hurt everyone they encounter.

Representation of Pastors

The Bible teaches that leaders (pastors, elders, deacons) are to be a “man of one wife.” The Bible teaches us to lay your life down for her. To serve her. To treat her with the same kindness taught to us by Jesus. It teaches us to be a man of respect. To get your house in order prior to offering wisdom to someone else’s house.

Therefore, this man does not represent what it means to be a pastor, in the truest sense.

  • He represents a man that did not fully understand consequences.
  • He represents men who haven’t learned the art of delayed gratification.
  • He represents men who haven’t learned how to control impulses.

The Apostle Paul said, “I do what don’t want to do, and yet I don’t do what I want to do.” He was illuminating the ongoing struggle with our senses.

If A=B and B=C, then A=C. The reality is that pastors are people. People are messy. Therefore, pastors are messy. There are no perfect pastors. The only perfect person to ever live isn’t pastoring any church. And given that pastors are people, boundaries must be in place to correct and instruct pastors who have stepped out of the biblical qualifications of a pastor. Any human is prone to power, greed, and tyranny, if given the opportunity. Therefore, we must all agree to guardrails and accountability.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. And some will never attend church again because of this little cowardice manlet. There are roughly over 400,000 pastors in America. This man does not represent most pastors. This is a very rare case or else a Netflix documentary would not be needed.

My encouragement here is to not let this fool dissuade you from exploring church or continuing to attend. He doesn’t represent God or anything like God.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Collectivism vs. Community

The Subtle, Yet Glaring Distinction

The distinction between collectivism and community is important. While they get conflated with each other, they’re not the same.

I recently had a couple in counseling who had hit the most common gridlock I see in couples. She says, “He doesn’t notice all I do” and he says, “No matter how much I do, it is never enough.” I asked them the last time they went on a date. They laughed and couldn’t remember. I laughed along with them in a mirroring technique helpful in counseling. But internally, I wasn’t laughing. My goal was to get fired, but for good reasons, they would no longer need me.

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I asked why they hadn’t gone a date recently. They quickly named off reasons that are better described as excuses. The most prevalent was not having a babysitter. I began asking about their support group. They had no such group in their lives. They were “doing fine” on their own. I retorted, “So fine that you’re in here.” They laughed again, but it was less enthusiastic.

This couple had bought into rigid individualism, losing sight of the communal necessities affording us to live our best lives.

Individualism vs Collectivism

People often discuss the juxtaposition of collectivism vs. individualism. In the West, we typically prefer individualism. After all, it is how we became the greatest nation on earth. We fought for individual freedom, demanding the government get out of our business. We originally declared the federal government good for three purposes:

  • National security
  • Federal banking system (states would not play nice with their separate forms of money)
  • Interstate regulation (making states play nice in all areas)

So it’s easy to see how we arrived at a place where we prefer individualism over collectivism. Our ancestors witnessed the group tyrannizing the common man, and when the commons man prevailed in the Revolutionary War, individualism built roots in our soil.

But I had recently been thinking on the ways in which collectivism gets some things right, and we as individualists, tend to throw the baby out with the bathwater (Ok, no one is throwing babies. It is just an old saying). While thinking on this issue, a fellow stacker, Pastor Ron brought up an interesting point. Maybe it’s community that the collectivists got right, and maybe community exists independently of collectivism.

The Distinction

When you really step back and look at collectivism, searching for the community aspects and how they are alike, yet how they differ, quite a few things stand out.

If you’re asking, “What is the best for the group?” and “How we can help each other flourish together?”— these are very different questions, particularly as it pertains to authority, agency, decision-making, autonomy, and individuation. For instance, view the distinction between the collective good vs the common good. The collective good will view and treat individuals as a means to achieve a larger social goal. The common good will recognize relationships bring out the best in individuals, while allowing agency to remain priority.

The aspects of coercion vs voluntary action, group-think vs autonomy, and even geographically remaining in close proximity vs individuation highlights distinctions between community and collectivism.

The History of Community vs Collectivism

  • Alexis de Tocqueville argued that a free democracy was possible through voluntary associations like churches, neighborhoods, and local groups. He warned of the “Tyranny of the majority.”
  • Robert Nisbet echoed sentiments of Tocqueville in that community consisted of aspects of voluntary participation in local groups. Nisbet believed that collectivism replaced such voluntary groups with centralized bureaucratic power.
  • Pushing back on Rawlsian thinking, Michael Sandel posits that individuation is realized through social reciprocity, community, tradition, rather than existing in the form of an isolated individual. Sandel’s work is classified as communitarianism while still denouncing collectivism as viable.
  • Maybe one of the more important voices on community is Robert Putnam, who writes that the erosion of community, like neighborhoods, church participation, and volunteer groups contribute to the moral decline we see today, while refusing to endorse collectivism, citing that that voluntary aspect of community is one of the core elements that make it efficacious. Putnam speaks of social capital, such as bowling leagues and churches, to find mutual aid and social reciprocity along all of its benefits, including belonging and various types of support when it is needed.

Lastly, Karl Marx was a collectivist. Enough said.

More Distinctions

Collectivism primarily focuses the interest of the group, while community focuses on mutual care, shared purpose, and the flourishing of individuals within the group. Often, social and psychological benefits commonly attributed to collectivist are actually products of good, healthy communal entities rather than prioritizing groups over all agency.

I’m firmly convinced that the protective effects often attributed to collectivist cultures can also be found in communal bonds through strong local communities, families, and churches without the requirement of coercion, loss of autonomy, or removal of individual purpose and meaning.

Conclusion

What it comes down to is, I simply don’t believe in being rigidly individual to the point of social isolation. This has been the residual effect of people unable to see benefit of communal entities like churches and support groups. They move to another town, know no one, and begin to struggle immensely with everyday household negotiation. This is because we weren’t meant to do this alone.

The phrase, “It takes a village” is needed, necessary, vital to survival and flourishing when maintaining a home, raising children, and helping our fellow neighbor in times of need. This does not require collectivist assimilation, only recognizing communal needs. My suggestion to the couple was to find community, and fast. They did. Life is better. Then they did what I always long for, they fired me.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Testify to What?

Why Love Isn’t Love

L-R: Michael Passons, Melissa Greene, Ty Herndon

I absolutely love this song. Their performance is incredible. I have no problem with anyone, including gay people singing Christian music. This article is in response to a specific statement made by one of the singers of this song.

Spending my first 15 adult years in the music business in Nashville, I encountered many things I thought I’d never see. Of those remains to be the number of Christian music artists that were closeted homosexual. Keep in mind, to those of us in the industry, it wasn’t that closeted. On 16th and 17th Avenue in Nashville, they wore their identity without apology. But the instant they stepped beyond that sanctuary, they slipped into a disguise, pretending to be someone they weren’t.

Realities of the Music Industry

The reasons are clear. If the rest of the world, especially the Christian music listeners, were to learn of their favorite singer’s homosexuality, they would stop listening. This affects the financial bottom line. As a result, there was an unwritten code that artists were to keep their homosexuality on the down-low and everyone made money. If their homosexuality were to become common knowledge, sales would go down, managers would get less, publishers would get less, the artists would get less, there would be no tour. It’s financial ruin.

There has typically been the same unwritten code in country music. So when Ty Herndon was discovered by law enforcement committing a homosexual act in public, his label did their best to cover it up, minimize, and even alter the narrative surrounding the events. This couldn’t get out. But for different, yet similar, reasons. Those buying records were conservative, God-fearing, country boys and girls who did not want their favorite singer to be gay. Again, the fairness of this can be debated.

You could make the argument as to whether this is fair or not. For Christian singers, they adhere to what the Bible says. For country music, the clientele buys the records. If they don’t buy, you don’t have a job. In both cases, it was mostly economic.

New Take On an Old Song

Insert the new single by Ty Herndon, Michael Passons, and Melissa Greene. The song, “Testify to Love”, is a cover from the Chrisitan group Avalon, of whom Michael was a member of at one time. Michael left the group in 2003, citing other opportunities. Then in 2020, Passons came out as gay, recanting that leaving the group was involuntary due to his sexual orientation.

When the song comes out (no pun intended), it quickly becomes a hit. The initial reason is clear, they are amazing vocalists. Quickly, this begins to stir the airwaves, claiming this is “the first hit by an openly gay Christian artist.” For this reason, they received criticism.

Melissa Greene and Michael Passons took another step. Their claim was that “Christian music was built on the backs of gay people.” This is the statement that got my attention.

Christian Beliefs

Before we can continue, we have to clarify certain things. For the sake of this conversation, it must be noted that the Christian tradition believes that people are to be loved, but sins are not. And that homosexuality is considered a sin (missing the mark, not God’s design). Christians believe that love isn’t love, God is love. You can debate that on another day. Today it’s about the statement made by Greene and Passons.

Exploitation vs. Good Business

By their statement, they are saying that there were/are many gay people in Christian music and that it was exploitative to demand they keep this knowledge a secret. There are a few problems with this thought.

First, if they are going to go by the Bible, they should not be engaged in a homosexual relationship. They have abandoned that reality. Now, they choose to sing in the Christian music industry. It’s worth nothing that many in Nashville believe some people enter the Christian music industry because they can’t get signed in Country or Pop. Essentially, that’s unfair. However, there have been many cases where that was the clear truth.

Therefore, they should know that if they don’t abide by the rules of the industry, they will not have a job. This is no different than the Dixie Chicks debacle. In 2003, The lead singer, Natalie Maines, said she was “ashamed that the President of the United States was from Texas.” Outrage ensued. People were literally burning their records, t-shirts, and pictures. Their tour sales suffered greatly. They virtually tanked, dissolved, and were ostracized by the entire industry. But why? Because their clientele were the ones buying the records and going to the shows. And their clientele didn’t want to hear disrespectful things about their president. It’s free market capitalism 101.

This is why the statement by Greene and Passons that “Christian music was built on the backs of gay people”, hasn’t landed well. If it were to get out that a Christian singer was gay, that group would no longer have a career.

The other problem is this remake has usurped the meaning, slapped a concept creep on it, and decided they know what’s best, rather than the God they so lovingly sing about knowing what’s best.

True Meaning Behind the Song

If the song is to champion the idea that God loves gay people and you should too, then I’m totally on board with this. The message Jesus taught wasn’t a heterosexual or homosexual message, it was a God message. “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” (John 13:34-35). In that context, I will testify to love too. Because in testifying to love, I’m testifying to God.

If they are attempting to make the claim that God is perfectly accepting and happy that they are engaged in homosexual relationships, this would be directly against what God has said, and those in the industry knew that, thus the request for secrecy. In that context, I would ask, what is love? If God is love, then the literal translation of the song is, “I will testify to God.” And if we’re doing that, we are asking for grace, mercy, and forgiveness for missing the mark, and noting that homosexuality would be considered missing the mark.

There was no exploitation. There was a business model. And in order to have a career in Christian music, that model needed to be followed. One would either need to find a different path, or “deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me” (Luke 9:23). But expecting an entire industry to bow to your ill-informed opinion of what the text of the Bible says about homosexuality isn’t reasonable.

There will be a follow up about homosexuals in the church, and it will not be easy to read if you’re a Christian. I’m taking the gloves off for that one. For now…

Stay Classy GP (God’s People)!

Grainger

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Just a Spell Too Far

Pastor or Fighter? Yes

Pastor Tony Spell

Should a pastor be throwing hands? What do we expect of him? Is he allowed to be human? How far is too far? All questions I searched to answer.

When I was a kid, I remember grandfathers and uncles saying, “That dog was gone for a spell.” As a young child, I had no idea what they meant by that. After a while, I learned. A “spell” meant a significant amount of time. So, by that logic, I’ve been writing for a spell.

Recently, my social media feed was inundated with a pastor named Tony Spell who gave a young man a beatdown. I mean, he laid hands on him. As the story goes, the young man repeatedly antagonized the pastor by stating, according to Spell, when Spell leaves his house, the young man is going to rape his wife and children. After many occurrences of this nature, the pastor had enough. He approached the young man to address the situation verbally when the young man took a swing at Spell. The pastor promptly defended himself by swinging back. If that were the end of the story, there would be no article written.

As it turns out, the pastor, after engaging the young provocateur, beat the young man to the ground. Once on the ground, the young man curled up into the fetal position to protect his head from the beatdown he was receiving. From this point, the pastor continued to lay his hands on him, several times.

As you can imagine, this made national headlines. But for the wrong reasons. The repeated issues were:

  • Was the pastor using self-defense?
  • Should a pastor be fighting at all?
  • Did he go too far in the fight?
  • Was he being prideful and arrogant?

Self-Defense

First, was he entitled to defend himself? Absolutely. Was he justified in defending the honor of his family and sending the message that words have consequences? I believe so. The fact that this pastor gave this big-mouthed kid a beating he’ll likely never forget didn’t bother me at all. Chances are, that kid has never been told “no.” He’s never been smacked in the back of the head with a flip-flop, and it shows. This kid clearly hasn’t learned the reality of consequences. It’s likely his father shielded him from consequences, thinking that was right path in fatherhood. Most know, this is far from the truth. If they don’t learn consequences at home, they will learn them in a much harsher fashion out in the real world.

Meekness

While he had his infractions here, and his character needs addressing, from a biblical standpoint, there are those that simply don’t like the idea of a pastor swinging at all. I take issue with this. First, this pastor is no Jesus. To expect him to be is quite unreasonable. He is a human with a family. He defended he and his family. He let the social media fame go to his head. But he is still a human being. He has every right, within both the law and biblical precedent to defend himself and mitigate any future altercations by sending a clear message.

At the end of the day, this pastor is allowed to defend himself. But make no mistake, meekness is strength under control. It’s the power to choose restraint, when necessary. There’s nothing weak about being meek. They merely rhyme. That’s the end of their commonality.

Too Far?

The young man was in submission. He was in the fetal position. This is universally recognized as a position of surrender. Beyond this point, the pastor continued to pummel the young man. This leaves the arena of “coming in with a whip”, as many chose to cite from the Bible concerning Jesus clearing the temple. This traveled into the arena of taking out his unresolved cumulative anger on the young man in front of him. This left righteous anger and dove headfirst into the sin of anger. They are not the same. There simply was nothing constructive about continuing the batter the young man after he’d been defeated, other than to release some bottled-up emotion. Did the pastor take it too far? I believe he did.

Pride Before Fall

Following this event, the father of this young man called the police to protest the pastor mowing the yard of the church at 4AM. The officer informed the angry neighbor that no one has the right to tell a man when he can mow his yard. The officer also stated that the cars driving by were louder than the mower. It was clear this was personal. This had very little to do with a mower or the time of morning. This was war.

The officer went to the pastor and stated that he was simply responding to a noise complaint. When the officer asked for his name, his response was, “Everyone in the world knows my name. What do you need?” This is reminiscent of Zsa Zsa Gabor slapping a police officer after being pulled over in 1989, or Reese Witherspoon telling an officer in 2013, “Don’t you know who I am? Well, you’re about to find out who I am.” The problem here is, this pastor is not Reese Witherspoon, and even if he was, the arrogance was off-putting when Witherspoon said it, and comical when the pastor said it. Again, he crossed into the realm of arrogance. And pride always comes before a fall.

There are some who are dissecting and eviscerating his theology. And from what little I’ve read, his theology lacks biblical evidence. But to me, this isn’t about theology, it’s about a pastor being a man. Yes, the book of James (Chapter 3, verse 1) says that leaders will be held to a higher standard, but the bar many pastors are asked to meet is quite literally heavenly-high and unreasonable.

Conclusion

He’s a man. He defended himself. However, his unmanaged rage and arrogance need addressing if he plans to truly successfully shepherd God’s local flock. He simply took it a Spell too far. And for that, he has God to answer to. Yet make no mistake, pastors are absolutely within their biblical and legal right to lay hands on someone in defense. Some of these pastors are country boys. So you may not want to let your ego write a check your body can’t cash.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

Posted on

Fathers Are Coming Home

The Quiet Revival

To the fathers out there, we see you, and we’re seeing more of you!

Every year around this time, pastors all over the country walk up to the pulpit and deliver a scathing state of the union address concerning current fatherlessness in America. And rightfully so. Men get dressed up, sit next to their wife (who just four short weeks ago was being praised for holding the world together) and get the tongue-lashing society believes they deserve. For a while, it seemed to make sense why. Fathers had checked out. But there was a reason. They were asked to leave.

History of Fatherlessness

Following President Johnson’s overreaction to the Moynihan Report, single mothers were incentivized to remain single, or at least without a man in the home. Prior to this great degenerative incentivization, 8% of white babies were born to single mothers and 24% of black babies were born to single mothers. By 2020, both numbers virtually tripled, showing that this policy did not affect one race more than another. It was equal opportunity disaster.

The Greeting Card Experiment

Author Gary Smalley wrote in his book, “Making Love Last Forever” about an event that took place in prisons. There was a lady who volunteered at the local prison who wanted to help prisoners reconnect with family. She requested donations of greeting cards from a card company and they agreed. When Mother’s Day came, she brought them out to give away to the prisoners. They went so fast that not everyone was able to get one. So she ordered more.

Following such success, she decided to do the same for Father’s Day. She collected her cards, set them up, and anxiously awaited. The smile slowly turned to disappointment on the volunteer’s face. Not one single prisoner came to get a free father’s day card.

The message: Human beings are formed as much by what is missing as by what is present. The void left by absent fathers became an unfortunate formation in the lives of many of these men, and it is willful blindness to ignore the possibility that the same absence helped chart the course that eventually led them to incarceration.

Historically, fathers have a pretty poor track record. During the 1960s, roughly 88% of children lived with two parents. By the 1980s, that figure decreased to around 77%. By the late 1990s, that number had, yet again, decreased to around 69%.

How the Turn Tables

Somewhere around the turn of the century, people looked around and decided to invite men back into their homes. In some cases, men began to fight for the right to see their children after being separated from them against their will. Whatever the method, the tide was turning. Before you knew it, men were showing up to all their kids’ practices and games. Men were spending more time with the family and began requesting less work hours. They were becoming more likely to share in caregiving and see themselves as more than financial provision, but an integral part of their children’s development, as well as finding joy in their marriage.

I had a good father, so I never desired to be anything except a great father. I didn’t quite achieve that, but I tried. I was always thinking about my children and what I could do to both love them where they are and also urge them towards what they could become. My suspicion is this isn’t uncommon.

The Good News

Here is where the good news comes in. Since the early 2000s, those numbers of fathers in the home have increased, steadily. See for yourself:

But the greatest increase comes from the black father. Where there was a 6% increase in overall fathers, there’s an almost 13% increase in black fathers in the home. There are more black fathers in the home than in 1980. And there have been for 10 years! See for yourself:

Conclusion

So, on Father’s Day, while there will likely be a large number of pastors pointing their finger at men and smiling at women, I will be thanking the fathers for doing their part.

  • For taking part in one of the most thankless jobs ever.
  • For doing the hard thing, the selfless thing, the sacrificial thing, and never flinching or complaining.
  • For being the reason your children become healthy contributors of society, rejecting passivity and embracing resilience.
  • For instilling a proper self-perception into your daughters, causing them to pick the right guy because they know their true worth.

You, sir, are being saluted. The numbers are in! And more fathers in the last 45 years are taking their rightful place in the home and being the man the moment demands. Do we have work to do? Yes. The struggle isn’t over. But the numbers show that with each passing year, more men are choosing their family over their selfish ambition. And that’s worth celebrating. Happy Father’s Day Gents!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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What Forgiveness is Not

Letting Go Without Losing Yourself

If you know anything about me, you know I talk often about forgiveness and its benefits. There are many studies detailing the physiological benefits of forgiveness. I cover some of it in this article. Recently, after writing about what forgiveness looks like, I received some feedback regarding what forgiveness is not. I collected my thoughts on the validity of this idea, and this is what landed.

Forgiveness is Not Restoration

Restoration is the reunification of two people. Someone does you wrong, you want to forgive them and reignite friendship with each other. This requires both parties’ consent. Forgiveness can be involved in this transaction, but restoration is not required for forgiveness. Forgiveness only requires one person. That’s because unforgiveness only affects one. We should not feel obligated to restore to someone while forgiving them..

Forgiveness is Not Transforming Into a Doormat

Forgiveness does not give the offender the right to inflict further abuse. He slips up one night and after too many beers, he smacks her. He is visibly upset and remorseful. He apologizes. She says she forgives him. He thinks, “Good, then I can do it again.” Absolutely not. Forgiveness is not a license to continue damage. One can forgive, standing strong in their conviction that they have done nothing wrong and will not stand for such calamity any longer.

Forgiveness is Not Manipulation

Forgiveness cannot be coerced. It must be voluntary. Often, a child is the target of physical or verbal abuse and the parent cries and asks for forgiveness. When the parent commits such an action later, they remind the child, “You forgave me, remember? So you have to forgive me again!” This is nothing short of manipulation. Remember, restoration and forgiveness are not the same. Yes, you could forgive the parent again, but you will feel much less inclined to restore that relationship. This maneuver also involves a bit of vulnerable narcissism (different from grandiose narcissism).

In vulnerable narcissism, the subject must be the center of attention, and in order to get this attention, they draw attention to the negativity in their life. Even (and especially) if they are the instigators of such dysfunction. This is what some parents do.

Forgiveness Doesn’t Justify the Infraction

Erica Kirk publicly forgave her husband’s killer. This does not make the murder acceptable. There still remains consequence. Moses needed forgiveness from God for placing himself too high on the spiritual ladder. God forgave, but Moses did not enter the promised land.

  • Justice = getting what you deserve
  • Mercy = not getting what you deserve
  • Grace = getting what you don’t deserve

True forgiveness typically stems from the recognition of grace extended to me, through mercy, while remaining entangled in the justice I invited.

Forgiveness is Not Forgetting

The idea to “forgive and forget” is absolute nonsense; not tangible, reasonable or, in many cases, possible. Forgetting may seem insurmountable, but the sting doesn’t have to linger. How does one remove the sting? By shaping the mindset from “you did this to me so I hope you get what you deserve” to “I feel sad for you and what your decisions have cost you.” It’s seeing the humanity in people. Remember, victims perpetrate, survivors heal. Victims say, “Now it’s your turn to get what you deserve.” Survivors say, “I hope you get the help you need. But I forgive you.”

Keep in mind there is an amount of determinism involved in certain malevolent actions. They got here through a series of events they had no control over, leading them to make decisions that were mostly in their control, but heavily influenced by what they could not control.

Example: A young man doesn’t have a father. Mother is an addict. Raises himself. Gets connected with people who are addicts and in gangs. His grandfather was also an addict and stayed in trouble. And his grandfather’s father was in and out of prison. This young man literally has no example of what normality or proper functioning looks like. One could even include the man that had parents in the home but threw money at their son so he’d go away. He wasn’t parented. He doesn’t have an example of how to act either. So he turns to nature’s way, which is hungry for acceptance through power, greed, and tyranny.

Forgiveness is Not Emotional Numbness

Some people believe forgiveness means becoming unaffected by what happened. It does not. Forgiveness is not the absence of pain, anger, grief, or disappointment. In fact, attempting to forgive too quickly often results in emotional suppression rather than genuine healing. A person says, “I’m over it,” while resentment quietly festers underneath the surface. Avoidance helps no one and paralyzes the progress of forgiveness.

Healthy forgiveness allows room for emotion. Jesus wept. David lamented. Job grieved. Emotional pain is not evidence of spiritual failure. It is evidence that something meaningful was damaged. The goal of forgiveness is not to become cold or indifferent, but to prevent pain from transforming into hatred, bitterness, or revenge.

A scar may remain tender long after the wound closes. That does not mean healing has failed. It means you are human. Forgiveness says, “This hurt me deeply, but I refuse to let the injury harden my heart or define my future.” Forgiveness doesn’t mean being conformed, it’s means not being consumed.

What It Comes Down To

Forgiveness is release without denial. Mercy with delusion. Compassion without sacrificing truth. Freedom from hatred without freedom from consequence. Should you forgive? Absolutely. Should you relinquish all agency over it? Absolutely not. That’s what forgiveness is not.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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What If She Walks In?

When Religion Gets in the Way

This picture has circulated with the headline, “Can this woman enter the church?” Here, I provide no fancy sentences. No backspaces or rewrites. No thought out linguistical creativity. Just typing as fast as I can, on purpose. This post took me almost the same amount of time to write it as it will for you to read it. Straight from the gut. No glitter. No empiricism. Just raw, lived experience with religion getting directly in the way of good decisions.

At First, Everything is Good

You find your favorite parking spot. You are greeted on the way in. You grab your latte. Hug a neck or two. You go in to find your favorite seat. The one you sit in every Sunday. It’s your comfort zone. From that seat, you look over and there’s the gentleman from the grocery store. Over there is the lady who found your dog after he got out. Right behind you is the family you’ve known since the husband and wife were children. Oh, and on the other side is your kids’ former baseball coach when they played little league. You’re comfortable there. These are your people. Then she walks in.

You know, the girl that you watched get arrested last week outside the grocery store for stealing formula. Or the one who you just knew was a bad apple. You told your daughter to never hang out with that girl. She was trouble. But here she is. By herself. Her face says she’s miserable. Her body says she’s been abused. Her hair says she just doesn’t care. But then there’s a tear. Her tears say she’s had enough.

Enough

Enough of whatever brought about this calamity. Enough of trying it the same way and hoping for different results. Enough of the constant drama. Enough crying herself to sleep, wondering what a peaceful night of sleep would be like. Enough looking over her shoulder for her abuser.

Then she sits down, not near your seat, but in your seat. The one you’ve sat in for 20 years. You can’t believe it. What do you do? What if she walks in and you’re faced with the fact that she knows you?

How Do You Respond?

If your response is anything other than sitting beside her, you need to revaluate where God wants you to grow right now. In this moment, she is fragile. She knows she doesn’t fit in. She was certain the moment she walked in she would get struck by lightning. But somehow, that didn’t happen. If you shun her, her preconceived notions about “church people” will be realized. If no one talks to her, her isolation will increase.

It’s in this very moment you must become the only Jesus she may see that day. You may be the only opportunity she gets to see exactly how Matthew felt when Jesus asked him to have a party at his house. You may be the only representation of what it felt like when Jesus told a fouled-mouthed fisherman named Simon to follow him. You may be the only shot she has to experience what it was like for Jesus to look up at Zacchaeus and ask to hang out with him.

What do you do with that opportunity? Do you squander it because you are uncomfortable? Do you miss out on using what God blessed you with? We are blessed to be a blessing, not to hoard it. Or do you introduce yourself? Maybe you hug her. Tell her it will be alright. Smile at her throughout the service. Tell her you’re glad she came and hopes she comes back.

The Difference May Be You

This small, short, simple interaction may be the difference in her life. How do I know? Years ago, two teenage boys saw something going on in their community and showed up. It happened to be a pop-up church service. As they entered, they quickly realized the place was pretty full. They turned to leave. An unassuming usher asked them if he could take a minute to find them seats. They obliged. Seats were found. By the end of the service, one of the boys surrendered his life to the calling he felt from God. This young man went on to be known as Billy Graham. One usher, a 15-second interaction. It changed everything.

You have no idea if that girl you once were repulsed by is the next worship leader somewhere. You don’t know if her calling is into the mission field to change countless lives. And either your kindness propels her in that direction, or your self-righteous religious dogma sends her the other way, back to how she got here in the first place.

A Call To Action

I urge you to wrestle with this scenario. Place yourself directly in this position. What would you do?

I once heard a man say, “I looked at God and I looked in the mirror and the two looked nothing alike.” If your response doesn’t look like Jesus, then this is your next step for growth. We all have areas for growth. This just may be yours.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Mother Knew Best

It’s worth noting that while there are so many great mothers out there, some did not grow up with a good mom. For some it’s a source of pain to even consider. For them I say, there’s a good example to look to.

Picture it, Jesus is hanging out at a wedding. Just trying to enjoy his time. They run out of wine. Jesus’ mom, Mary goes over to Jesus and says, “They have no more wine.” I imagine there was a look that accompanied that phrase. You know the look. The one where a mom says, “your room still isn’t clean” then gives that look.

Then Jesus says, “why are you involving me in this? It’s not my time yet.” She all but ignores his insistence on remaining anonymous. She just turns to the servants and says, “Do whatever he tells you to do.”

The very first miracle Jesus performed took place because mother knew best. She didn’t listen to his desire to stay away. She knew his calling and didn’t let him sit idle.

This Mother’s Day, remembering Mary is a good idea. Her life was very difficult, yet very rewarding. And she embraced the role of a great mother till the very end.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Moral Relativism: The Tyranny We Call Kindness

When Everything is Allowed, Nothing Works

James Orr and Freya India

In Case You Missed It:

I recently watched a podcast where James Orr discussed with Freya India the idea that therapy, and therapy culture, replaced morality. While I believe the current, overall culture of therapy is the location of toxicity in human behavior, which leads me to agree with their take, true therapy or counseling should operate from sound, objective realities, objective truths, and objective morality. The therapeutic endeavor itself isn’t the problem, it’s the improper application of it. When therapy abandons objective anchors, it stops being therapeutic and becomes permissive. It doesn’t heal, it pathologizes. Having said that, the conversation struck a nerve in the realm of moral relativism.

Moral relativism didn’t arrive like a catastrophe, it showed up like a shrug. Do whatever works for you. It’s your truth (which doesn’t exist). We’ve torn down shared moral boundaries and replaced them with personal preference, as if a society can survive on nothing but individual feelings. The psychological fallout is obvious. Confusion, anxiety, lack of direction, and a culture that can no longer tolerate discomfort without calling it trauma. It is the literal breeding ground for the epidemic of apathy we see in Gen Z.

Freya India said it bluntly,

“When everyone makes up their own morality, we end up in separate worlds.”

That’s exactly what this moment feels like. The inability to grip agreed upon values. How did we get there? By wanting the outcomes of moral discipline without the discipline itself. We want the fruits of sacrifice without the sacrifice. We want maturity without constraint. We bought the idea that anything which constrains destroys. The result is a generation that celebrates its authenticity but collapses under the slightest internal pressure.

This is what moral relativism produces. When everyone defines right and wrong according to personal preference, emotional comfort replaces morality. The fear of hurting someone’s feelings now outweighs the obligation to speak truth. People stay silent, not because they’ve thought deeply, but because they’re terrified of being called judgmental. Once emotional safety becomes the highest value, every other value gets downgraded. Responsibility looks oppressive. Boundaries look abusive. Expectations look cruel. Freya said,

“We have forgotten the word morals and replaced it with boundaries.”

Limitations as Liberation

Jordan Peterson, for years, has been saying that we’re being taught that all boundaries are tyranny. But a world with no boundaries isn’t free, it’s chaotic. Everyone understands this at the fundamental level. A child without boundaries becomes anxious. A marriage without boundaries falls apart. A society without boundaries dissolves into factions. And yet, somehow, we’ve convinced ourselves that moral boundaries are uniquely dangerous, while pretending the psychological fallout doesn’t exist.

Jonathan Haidt’s research shows how this plays out. When “safetyism”, or harm avoidance, becomes the highest moral priority, the definition of harm expands until anything can count. Expectations hurt. Standards hurt. Disagreement hurts. This inflated sense of fragility is exactly what we see now. We have a population that is both hyper-sensitive and chronically distressed. A terrible psychological combination. People can’t tolerate discomfort, and they can’t find stability. They’re told to look to the self for their moral compass, but the self is what got them here.

The symptoms are real. The rise in anxiety, the inability to commit, the paralysis around decision making, the hostility toward accountability. When nothing is objectively right or wrong, people don’t become liberated, they become overwhelmed. Every choice becomes existential because there’s no stable framework to lean on.

Freya went on to acknowledge something powerful. Society loves celebrating the milestone of marriage. 25 years. 50 years. But hates acknowledging what built it. Sacrifice, grit, restraint, discipline. Those things require boundaries, and boundaries are incompatible with relativism. If my values and your values are all that exist, then no one is allowed to say that any set of behaviors is necessary for a stable relationship. So we glorify the outcome and denounce the process. It’s delusional and dishonest.

Here’s the harsh truth. Boundaries don’t suffocate us, they stabilize us. They give us a structure to push against so we can grow. They keep our impulses in check so we don’t destroy ourselves. They give meaning to our commitments, weight to our promises, and direction to our choices. Remove them, and you don’t get freedom, you get fog.

The Results

And fog is exactly what we’re living in. A society that treats morality as personal preference will inevitably wonder why they feel so detached. Why kids are anxious. Why adults feel lost. Why relationships crumble. Why communities can’t agree on anything. Why we’re constantly offended yet never fulfilled.

We don’t have a cultural crisis of compassion, we have a crisis of clarity. People are starving for direction while being told that direction itself is oppressive. They’re collapsing under the weight of freedom because freedom without structure is psychologically unbearable. It’s too much choice without any grounding.

Our Next Move

We need to stop pretending that moral relativism is harmless. It’s not. It’s a psychological toxin. It produces confused individuals and fragmented communities. It destroys resilience. It undermines accountability. It dissolves meaning. It rewards fragility and punishes strength.

We need to reclaim objective standards. Not because we want control, but because humans cannot function without them. Children need boundaries. Adults need responsibility. Communities need shared expectations. Society needs a common moral starting point, or it will tear itself apart.

This doesn’t mean returning to some rigid, nostalgic fantasy. It means recognizing the psychological truth that people thrive under clear structure and crumble under limitless freedom. Our greatest liberties are found inside boundaries, not outside them.

We can keep pretending relativism works, or we can face reality. One path leads to stability, resilience, and meaning. The other leads exactly where we are now. Resentful, anxious, and foggy.

It’s time to choose.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger