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Masculinity in Counseling

When the Problem and the Solution are the Same

Much of society is shouting that we need more male counselors. They desire more men, but not the masculinity that comes with them. So what’s the problem? Why aren’t there more male counselors? Let’s dig into that.

Recently, on a plane, a lady was getting frustrated with a 90-year-old man getting his bag down slowly. The old man looks to her and says, “I am not obliged to take part in your anxiety.” The whole plane smiled in relief.

We have all been around a Karen like this. And in public discourse, the fear in everyone was natural and expected. The relief was too. However, in professional walks of life, it is the opposite. You are vilified if you don’t affirm such anxiety.

Why in the professional setting and not normal discourse? One plausible explanation is that “professionals” believe they are smarter than those inferior beings not in professional settings. Another is the fear of liability. The backlash both professionally and personally is scary to many. Many are scared to death to hurt anyone’s feelings. But in everyday life this is not a fear.

My Experience in Counseling Training

I was in a group counseling class with other future licensed counselors. I led the very first group. Following the session, everyone else gave feedback. The feedback I received was all aimed at who I am, not what I did. It went something like this:

  • You are a man, so you need to be careful as a counselor.
  • Because you are a man, you are very intimidating
  • Men in counseling is not really a good thing, so I didn’t like the session
  • If you want to be a successful counselor, you need to act more like a woman.

I specifically requested behavioral examples. Some would be honest and say, “It’s not really what you did, more just who you are.” Some would say, “The way you spoke, you know, like a man, was scary.”

I realize that counseling is a feminine profession. But I must ask the question, why? Because men don’t communicate verbally? Because men don’t want counseling? Or is it because few care about issues with men, masculinity, or the stance that men can take care of themselves?

There may be another explanation. While in this class, I heard “I have 4 children and they all have ADHD and ASD!” She smiled and everyone looked excited and celebrated with her. I was almost shocked at the celebration of the two most over-diagnosed conditions in America. Both because we are celebrating dysfunction and because they are over-diagnosed. So the chances that they have an accurate diagnosis are very low. None of that mattered. Only affirmation and validation mattered. Another said, “Everyone needs therapy because everyone has trauma.” This was from a 22-year-old female who has no idea when and when not to talk. She never heard, “You have one mouth and two ears. So listen twice as much as you speak.” This girl got it backwards. And oh the wisdom coming from her lips. Again, everyone validated and affirmed. No one challenged either statement.

You might be thinking, “Why didn’t you challenge it?” Good question. Being a man, I am already at a disadvantage. We have already seen what these ladies really think about me. My challenge would go unheard, not welcomed, and met with vitriol. No male spoke up. They knew better. They saw what the psycho-Karen squad did to me. But I know this, men don’t easily affirm nonsensical lies. Men push back. Men are not afraid of confrontation and challenging. Therefore, a man would say, “Hey, did you know that the statistical likelihood of one mother having four children with ADHD and ASD is 0.7937% on a good day? And knowing it is severely over-diagnosed, the stats are probably much rarer than that?” But this wouldn’t serve the purpose of the counseling industry. To merely affirm and validate through femininity. Maybe, just maybe, this is why there aren’t more men in counseling.

Each day of this week-long intensive course, only feminine characteristics were celebrated. Masculinity was scorned as broken. The professor played a very sweet, soft, feminine worship song each day as class started. I realize that starting with worship is probably a good thing at a Christian school. It sets the tone. I get it. But every day? We get no strong, mighty songs? Why? The answer to all of the questions so far is simple. Men. Don’t. Matter.

Are You Sure Men Don’t Matter?

If you commit vehicular homicide, if it’s a man that’s killed, you get a 56% lower sentence. Both men and women surveyed say that it is worse for a man to have an affair than a woman. There has been a U.S. Department of Labor’s Women’s Bureau since 1920. There has never been such a bureau for men. I could go on and on. Society is telling us that men don’t matter.

What to Do

As it stands, unless you are a very feminine man, it is an uphill climb. You are not wanted in the class among “professionals” or future professionals. You are not accepted for who you are. You are not welcome in psychological spaces. You are viewed as the one they must “tolerate” on their way to proper, soft, feminine, easily triggered, affirming of falsehoods, counseling. So you must know that it is a battle. It is not for the weak (Well, it kind of is, actually). If society is interested in doing something about the mental health epidemic among men, they have a weird way of showing it.

If there are to be more male counselors, we may have to attempt to provide an incentive for men to go through the difficult, arduous process of becoming a licensed counselor. We must welcome masculinity, as long as it is utilized correctly. We must be ok with challenge. The industry needs men for this very reason. We need more men that are willing to challenge falsehoods, present a masculine perspective, and be there for other men and boys in their crisis.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Ladies, Before or After?

So, ladies, who do you choose? If you choose the Olly Murs on the right (after), you are in the extreme minority. Yes, most women chose the Olly on the left (before). I conducted a small survey that reached just over 300 people. The results were polarized: 100% of the females chose the before Olly and 100% of the males chose the after Olly.

I’m not about to blow your mind with any radical insight, but I will let science and experience give us some intel on why most women choose the before Olly. When I showed this to my beautiful wife, who is a bit more visually inclined than the average female (you wouldn’t know it looking at my ugly self), she quickly said the before Olly was much better looking. But why? What’s even more bizarre is how every dude said the after Olly looked better. But why?

Why Did Men Choose After?

When men see the before Olly, they see a lazy guy who sits around and eats chips while others are working hard. He sees an apathetic lack of ambition. When men see the after Olly, they see success. They see achievement. Men see the after Olly as diligent and determined. They see one less thing for women to dislike them for. There is an approachability bias in society when it comes to gender differences in body image. What isn’t talked about much is the level of body dysmorphia and muscle dysmorphia1 among men. It’s higher than you realize. Body Dysmorphia Disorder (BDD) affects approximately 2.9% of the US population. Of that population, 60% are female and 40% are male. That equals to around 3.8M men and boys in America. It is traditionally understood that women have great support for each other in the area of BDD. Men, on the other hand, are afraid to even say it out loud for fear of being called weak. So, in order to avoid this, some work out until the feelings of BDD are gone.

That’s not the only explanation. Men also are hardwired to achieve. To hunt and gather. To protect. You can’t protect anyone if you’re weak. Men traditionally compete for resources, including, but not limited to, the attention of the most fertile women in the community. This is basic evolutionary biology. This may explain why men see the after Olly as better, but this does not explain women’s preferences. Women are generally more attracted to masculinity for protection, provision, and procreation. Evolutionarily speaking, this made sense. So why would 100% of women say that the before Olly was better looking?

Why Did Women Choose Before?

When you ask women this, the answers vary. Some say the after Olly looks aggressive. Some say he looks like he spends too much time in the gym and doesn’t have time for his other relationships, including romantic relationships. Some say that the before Olly looks warm, approachable, sweet, caring, humorous, and emotionally available. There are various explanations for this. Some women have been hurt by narcissistic men who care more about their image than their character. Some women have been abandoned when men go through a physical transition, giving them an aversion to an above average muscular physique.

Another explanation is that testosterone in men decreases when they get married.2 Their testosterone decreases again when they move into fatherhood.3 So, the before Olly looks more like a married father than the after Olly. Now couple that with the fact that, as Dr. Sarah E. Hill, PhD. has noted, women who are on the birth control pill desire a less masculine man. So women desire the man that isn’t slobby, but isn’t cut. They want the man that will meet their emotional needs before any physical needs. They desire a man that they don’t have to fear will display too much aggression.

Put this altogether, and you have some ideas as to why 100% of women said the before Olly was more attractive and 100% of men said the after Olly was more desireable. This is yet another display of just how vastly different the two genders are (yes, I said two). This gives me and my dad-bod some hope. Hope that my wife won’t find herself desiring the super-cut meathead at the gym anytime soon. Now, where did I put those chips?

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

References

1 Phillipou, A., & Castle, D. (2015). Body dysmorphic disorder in men. Australian Family Physician, 44(11), 798–801.

2 Holmboe, S. A., Priskorn, L., Jørgensen, N., Skakkebaek, N. E., Linneberg, A., Juul, A., & Andersson, A. (2017). Influence of marital status on testosterone levels–A ten year follow-up of 1113 men. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 80, 155–161. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2017.03.010

3 Gettler, L. T., McDade, T. W., Feranil, A. B., & Kuzawa, C. W. (2011). Longitudinal evidence that fatherhood decreases testosterone in human males. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences – PNAS, 108(39), 16194–16199. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1105403108

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The Government is NEVER the Solution to Declining Birth Rates

I saw this post on FB and recognized that over 75,000 people had shared this, because of a feeling. That’s scary. The writer posed reasons for the decline in birth rates in America. They were drenched in emotions, had little verifiable insight, and could only propose the government as the solution. I’m still trying to recall the last time the federal government did something right. I’ve chosen to briefly address each point.

  1. Daycare often runs higher than rent. The daycare problem is real, particularly for mothers who made poor decisions or fathers who abandoned their family. It feels terrible to think about, truly. However, the solution to an emotional problem is never with an emotion. Policy must be made with objective eyes, refusing and denouncing empathy1 in the process, and considering the calculated costs for the majority. Head Start is a good example of this. When the program was investigated for efficacy, it was found that there were no actual benefits from the program.2 But when lawmakers attempted to remove the program to put the money towards a program that would work, other lawmakers just couldn’t bring themselves to remove it because of the internal guilt they felt for removing something that belonged to “The children.”
  2. That invisible spreadsheet moms are carrying around 24/7? You know, the one tracking school picture day, pediatrician appointments, whether there’s milk in the fridge, and what form needs signing for the field trip? Yeah, that. It’s exhausting. Motherhood (and fatherhood) is not for the weak. But the joy far outweighs the misery.3 Parenthood is for the sacrificial. Parenthood provides meaning for most. Parenthood helps most mature properly. It is a joy like no other. It isn’t easy. It isn’t always fun. But it is rewarding in a way that can’t be properly measured.
  3. People are also waiting longer to have kids. And not because they’re out partying until 3 a.m. They’re trying to get stable: financially, emotionally, professionally. It is true that people are waiting longer. This could be from multiple domains. The new stigmatized orientation of women staying home to raise children has pushed many into the workforce that wouldn’t otherwise choose to foster a career. It could be that men are maturing later and later than in years past.4 One reason I can personally point to is that the universities are teaching our youth to never have children, and if they do, wait until at least 40. Now why would anyone tell youth to never have children? Is there a correlation to the infection of overt Marxism in universities? The Marxism that was disgusted at the “Hallowed correlation between parent and child” and believed children should be property of the state in order to provide labor for communistic achievement? I tackle this in my post “My Time at Karl Marx University.”
  4. Let’s also not forget the joy that is our healthcare system. The U.S. has the highest maternal mortality rate in the developed world. Fun! And we still don’t guarantee paid parental leave. The healthcare system is broken. The only guarantee one can have about the solution is that the government would NOT be a viable solution. The government is the worst run business on the planet. Healthcare should be privatized with oversight regulations. This is the only way to ensure high quality and low cost.
  5. And then there’s reproductive rights. When you restrict access to safe abortion and contraception, people respond by not taking chances. This may be my favorite. The suggestion here is that the solution to not having enough children is to have easier access to abort them. So being able to kill them easier will cause us to have more children? I’m not sure what to say to that. Also, there are 12 states with total bans on abortion and 10 states with no bans whatsoever.5 All put into place by elected leaders representing the people of the local area. The only change that was put in place via the Dobbs decision was to return the jurisdiction to the states, which is where it should have been the entire time.
  6. Climate anxiety is real, and not exactly a turn-on for family planning. Climate anxiety is real. That is true. But the evidence to justify climate anxiety is not real. Some people have a real fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of their mouth, called arachibutyrophobia. That’s real to that person. But the evidence for peanut butter actually sticking to the roof of one’s mouth permanently is not real. Here again, we have a clash of feelings against facts. When considering policy, we cannot be caught up in the emotion of the moment. Policy must be thought out rationally and must benefit the majority, directly or indirectly.

The declines in birth rates are due to multiple sociological factors. The correlation to the decline can be found when the birth control pill came onto the scene. The pendulum swing from “Women should be stay-at-home mothers” to “Women should never be stay-at-home mothers” brought a new social pressure to work regardless of whether they wanted to or not. Women are under a new pressure. Work full time or you are a neanderthal, trad-wife sellout. The fact is, no one should be shamed for any personal decision they make. I make this argument with more clarity on this post (Shame on You).

Another correlation to the decline in birth rates is social media. The malevolence of algorithmic echo-chambers showing us only what they think we want to see, only what we agree with, and only what will make us even more furious than we were right before seeing it cannot be overemphasized. The world on social media looks scary. Unfortunately, it also looks nothing like the world outside. The world outside is full of good people doing good things for total strangers, not knowing how they voted, who they had sex with recently, or where they were from. I make a case for this on this post (Is it Live or is it Memorex?). The advent of social media and devices in our hands brought on more loneliness than society had ever seen, less personal engagement, and more depression and anxiety than the world had ever seen.

If we want to see a return in the birth rates, we must destigmatize women staying home to raise children, boys must become men sooner, and both should make better decisions about their future. The Brookings Institute studied this and found that if youth would do three things, they would move from lower class to middle class: Graduate high school with a diploma, get a full time job, and wait to have children until after they have married beyond age 21.6 The government will NEVER be the right answer. Unless the question is, “How do we instill Marxism so that we can make children belong to the state, take from one group against their will and give to another group, and centralize all power in a reductionist form to the equivalent of an oligarchy?” Then yes, the government would be the answer to that.

Better education empowering healthy decision-making for youth is the answer, not the government.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

References

1 Buffone, A. E. K., & Poulin, M. J. (2014). Empathy, Target Distress, and Neurohormone Genes Interact to Predict Aggression for Others–Even Without Provocation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 40(11), 1406; 1406–1422; 1422. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167214549320

2 Shapiro, G., Broene, P., Jenkins, F., Fletcher, P., Quinn, L., Friedman, J., Ciarico, J., Rohacek, M., Adams, G., & Spier, E. (2010). Head start impact study

3 Nelson, S. K., Kushlev, K., English, T., Dunn, E. W., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2013). In Defense of Parenthood: Children Are Associated With More Joy Than Misery. Psychological Science, 24(1), 3–10. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797612447798

4 Twenge, J. M., & Park, H. (2019). The Decline in Adult Activities Among U.S. Adolescents, 1976-2016. Child Development, 90(2), 638–654. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.12930

5 https://www.guttmacher.org/state-policy/explore/state-policies-abortion-bans#:~:text=shortly%20after%20birth.-,Highlights,bans%20based%20on%20gestational%20duration.

6 Brookings institute Ron Haskins, “Three Simple Rules Poor Teens Should Follow to Join the Middle Class”, Brookings Institute (March 2013), https://www.brookings.edu/opinions/three-simple-rules-poor-teens-should-follow-to-join-the-middle-class

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The Masculine Replacement Theory

The Failed Experiment of Removing Strong Men From Society

I recently read a total hit piece on men. The author was the business name. As I was reading, it was blatantly obvious it was written by a woman, without even knowing the name of the author. No male would have ever written something this far-reaching and full of lies. Before I continue, this publication does great work in the field of gender and has written great pieces about the truth about gender that aren’t very popular in academia, university, and mainstream media. She just reached for something to grab a hold of in the category of why men are taking women’s spaces as it relates to gender… and missed. The writer proposed an Entitled Displacement Theory, which seeks to understand men through the lens of Margaret Sanger1, if you’re asking me. The writer made several points. I’ll respond to each one.Subscribed

1. All men feel they lost status dominance. This is a collapse of traditional male hierarchies. Most men do not care about status dominance in reference to women. Men, per research2, care about status among other men. This is basic evolutionary psychology. A male hierarchy (patriarchy) is not a bad thing. Only if it devolves into being based on power is it a bad thing. Until then, it is a very solid, fruitful, thriving entity. Have men abused this in the past? Absolutely. Do most men abuse it now? Not even close.

2. Manosphere: online grievances. statements like “women don’t want nice guys anymore”, “modern women are hypergamous and selfish”, and “feminism has destroyed family values” may or may not be a neutral observation but it is definitely not a “battle cry for a return to dominance through manipulation, withdrawal and outright hostility.” They are true statements based on observation. Society is now recognizing that the idea of “toxic masculinity”, emasculation, and the wussification of men was a failed experiment. Most men knew it would fail. But we just waited for society to catch up. Weak men are of no use to society. Men are biologically designed to protect and provide (at least help provide).3 This is seen in the biological shifts that happen post puberty. Men get stronger, bigger, and even more prone to risk and exploration. This was nature’s design. Men were (are) to go out and find food, protect the family from an external threat, and women were (are) designed to protect the children from themselves and internal threats, like sickness. Again, evolutionary biology has a lot to say about this. Have men abused this in the past? Absolutely. Do most men abuse it now? Not even close.

3. Autogynephilia as a way to make more money and regain dominance. This “psychotherapist” either has no male clients or very weak, spineless clients. Men who suffer from autogynephilia are not even thinking about money. In fact, I would surmise that most men who suffer from autogynephilia probably struggle to manage their finances well. This hypothesis is based on personality traits that are commonly found in those with autogynephilia and their proclivities towards an aversion to conscientiousness (a diligent, dutiful person), which is the primary predictor of success. Yes, some successful men suffer from autogynephilia. Among those, the primary issues include ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences), or an adult relationship that has been traumatic. Not money or power.

4. Misogyny as inclusion. I can agree that men do not belong in women’s spaces. I cannot agree with this post on why. Straight men do not want to erase women. I don’t think gay men do either. Gay and straight men have different motivations for loving women. The males who find it appropriate to invade women’s spaces, sports, prisons, bathrooms, are also suffering. It is typically either autogynephilia or gender dysphoria (GD). These men do not even come close to representing most men. What they do represent is a small group of loud activists who pulled at the heartstrings of those that cannot separate empathy from good judgment and are unwilling to draw a line between good and bad, right and wrong, for fear that they hurt someone’s feelings and may cause a two part reaction, a) they feel bad for causing the negative emotion among the sufferer and b) they are forced to deal with their own self-guilt for existing (usually existing as a straight, white, far-left female). There’s research4 on this too. Wanting to invade women’s spaces is not misogyny, it’s sickness and unresolved trauma committed by an extreme minority of men.

5. Narcissistic collapse and identity invasion: “If I can’t own her, I’ll become her to take back my dominance over her.” I debated on even giving this any attention due to the severely preposterous nature of the claim. Most men do not want to own anyone. I mean, do I have to elaborate on this for someone with common sense and sufficient comprehension of social adequacies?

The feminist response was “fight back.” Fight back against what, exactly? In our country, women have complete power over the bedroom in relationships. In America, most nurses are female.5 Most teachers6 and assistant professors7 are female. Most people attending college are females.8 Conversely, most people dropping out of high school9 and college10 are males. Most (94%) prison inmates are males.11 Most lonely12 people are male. Most people successfully committing suicide are male.13 What other catastrophic demise among the male population would you like to see in order to have successfully fought back against men who are trying to find their place in a society where men are undervalued, mocked for being male, and are receivers of misinformed vitriol merely for being masculine?

As it currently stands, women are tired of nice guys because nice guys aren’t strong guys. The utmost virtue in a man is that he is capable of fierce danger but has the wisdom to know when to use it. Modern women are selfish in some ways, but not in all ways. And feminism has destroyed family values. Because feminism does not want equality, it wants superiority, “We were oppressed, now it’s your turn!”

Did men cause the rise of the feminist movement? Yes. Did they abuse the fact that they are bigger and stronger? Yes. Did this cause a seismic shift in gender roles? Yes. Did society overcorrect due to emotional dysregulation that never was dealt with, absolutely.

So where should we be on the spectrum of possible gender neutrality? The first and best place to start is to allow men to be men. Allow them to open doors, pull out your seat, and serve you like you are the queen they always wanted. Allow men to risk. Simultaneously, men should look for the qualities in women and let them flourish rather than mock them or suppress them. The answer to the issues mentioned in the male-hit-piece is not to apply an exaggerated reductionist viewpoint of “evil man want power”, otherwise known as the Masculine Replacement Theory. But rather the answer is to foster a conversation on how both can see the other side, deal with the ACEs, the emotional baggage that brings on autogynephilia and GD, and the misunderstanding that men want power. Men want to be respected and needed. That’s about it. Men struggle to understand why a woman can say they are upset but not know why while women are perplexed as to how a man can be sitting calmy, thinking of absolutely nothing. The lack of understanding is causing both the male-haters club to continue and the feminists who write hit pieces like this to have a crowd. No, men do not want dominance, control, money, or unrestrained power. They want to be appreciated for who they are rather than being attacked for it. Men and women should work to appreciate the difference in each other and utilize them to our collective benefit, not looking for reasons to exacerbate the division.

1 Kengor, P. (2015). Takedown (1st ed.). WND Books.

2 Bleidorn, W., Arslan, R. C., Denissen, J. J. A., Rentfrow, P. J., Gebauer, J. E., Potter, J., & Gosling, S. D. (2016). Age and gender differences in self-esteem—A cross-cultural window. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 111(3), 396–410. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000078

3 Killewald, A. (2016). Money, Work, and Marital Stability: Assessing Change in the Gendered Determinants of Divorce. American Sociological Review, 81(4), 696–719. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122416655340

4 Napier, J. L., & Jost, J. T. (2008). Why Are Conservatives Happier than Liberals? Psychological Science, 19(6), 565–572. http://www.jstor.org/stable/40064955

5 https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2019/08/your-health-care-in-womens-hands.html

6 https://nepc.colorado.edu/blog/hidden-bias#:~:text=According%20to%20the%20National%20Center%20for%20Education,recent%20year%20for%20which%20there%20is%20data.

7 https://www.tiaa.org/content/dam/tiaa/institute/pdf/insights-report/2023-03/tiaa-institute-a-path-toward-equity-for-women-faculty-wvoee-colby-bai-march-2023.pdf

8 https://nces.ed.gov/fastfacts/display.asp?id=98#:~:text=See%20Digest%20of%20Education%20Statistics,percent%20(6.5%20million%20students).

9 https://www.ojjdp.gov/ojstatbb//population/qa01503.asp?qaDate=2018#:~:text=The%20status%20dropout%20rate%20in,its%20lowest%20level%20since%201975.

10 https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/12/18/fewer-young-men-are-in-college-especially-at-4-year-schools/

11 https://www.bop.gov/about/statistics/statistics_inmate_gender.jsp

12 https://www.phillyvoice.com/mens-health-loneliness-epidemic-relationships/#:~:text=The%20loneliness%20epidemic%20acknowledged%20by,to%20seek%20help%20than%20women.

13 Murphy, G. E. (1998). Why women are less likely than men to commit suicide. Comprehensive Psychiatry, 39(4), 165–175. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0010-440X(98)90057-8

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Inoculation > Isolation

I’ll never forget the story I once heard Christine Caine tell about sending her daughter to kindergarten. She comes home from her first day and she’s crying. Some boy called her stupid and it hurt her feelings. Caine’s husband sits her down and says, “Let me tell you what I think. I think you’re very smart. And I think you’re very beautiful, just like your mom.”

The next day she comes home from school with a smile on her face and says, “Hey mom, that boy tried to call me stupid today and I told him that he’s wrong because my dad says I’m smart. Then he tried to call me ugly and I told him he was wrong about that too because my dad said I’m beautiful just like you, mommy!”Subscribed

The little girl was almost elated to tell this story. Why? Because she realized she had an antidote for vitriol. She had a way to fight back and win. She was armed with the necessary tools to withstand great adversity (for a 5-year-old).

Caine told that story to point out that sometimes we need to remember what our Heavenly Father says about us when the lies from the world start creeping into our minds. And that’s so true. I’m going to take a slightly different angle here.

To me this screams inoculation over isolation (I must give credit where credit is due. I read that phrase in an article by Dr. Steve Stewart-Williams. He is an accomplished psychologist and author). If she had never heard those words from that boy, she would’ve gone through time having been shielded and not having built a resistance to hurtful words. By that point, she would have built up this unrealistic notion that people don’t say hurtful things to each other and once this hurtful rhetoric is encountered after years of believing it didn’t exist, the let down is significantly stronger than it would have been if she’d learned it sooner. This would have caused greater stress.

As it stands, she learned it early. And was able to apply what she learned the very next day. The feeling that came over her in the wake of this new empowerment was driven by dopamine (the proper amount) and a sense of self achievement, self-efficacy, and proper cognitive alignment as it pertains to her identity.

This is what has crippled an entire generation. Mom and dad bubble-wrapped them and when they entered the real world and found out they really weren’t that special, it wrecked them, thinking it was certainly their fault. They had been able to make mom and dad happy and now somehow, they can’t impress certain people, like the professor or the new boss… “What’s wrong with me?!”

Keeping children isolated from what the world offers is the wrong way to go about it. It only delays the inevitable and causes more pain than if they’d learned it sooner.

It reminds me of a client Dr. Jordan Peterson had who came in and could not overcome certain hurdles in life. She was in her late 20’s and was dealing with issues like not being able to finish college. Couldn’t keep a job. Couldn’t set boundaries with her stepmom. Somewhere in the conversation Peterson noticed that she couldn’t wrap her head around the idea of death, animals being used for food, and the processes of both. It was just too much. Peterson immediately knew what to do.

He asked her to go to a butcher’s shop with him. She needed to see the meat hanging. She needed to know what was out there. Exposure therapy. They went. She cried after walking 5 feet into the shop. So they left. They went back again. This time she stayed and touched the meat to gain a realistic acknowledgment of what she was witnessing.

At their next session, she asked to go to a slaughterhouse. She wanted to gain a deeper understanding. This blew Peterson’s mind. This someone who could barely think of the idea, much less someone who would willingly attend something of this nature. Dr. Peterson couldn’t arrange that but was able to get into a funeral home where they were embalming a body. So they went. Again, it was hard to watch. But she did.

What happened next was amazing. She finished college. Got the career she wanted. Made a phone call and drew a healthy boundary with her stepmom. Everything fell in line. Now that she knew what the world actually had to offer, she was able to properly assess where she stood in the hierarchy of achievement.

When I was a child, my mom didn’t see how long she could keep me away from chicken pox, she gave me an inoculation so that my system knew what it looked like in order to fight it later.

If we wait to allow them to see what the world has to offer, they won’t have the luxury of learning this under our guide as parents and instead learn the truth of the matter and coping mechanisms from those they are around, which may or may not be beneficial. The child is much better off learning the truth of the world while they can ask you about it rather than asking their dorm roommate who may use unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Our children don’t need isolation. They need inoculation. Don’t hold all the information back. Of course I’m speaking of age-appropriate info. We don’t need to let a 5-year-old in on the mental issues of a psychopathic narcissist that murdered his wife and children. But they do need to be placed in a situation where they can hear hard things for their age and know that if little Johnny says something that doesn’t line up with what mom and dad said, they can trust you and no longer need to acknowledge little Johnny’s rhetoric.

Inoculate. Don’t isolate.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Dopamine

Watching tv in the morning while getting ready for work? Listening to music when you get bored? Watch tv as soon as you get home from work? Watch tv to go to bed? Sleep with the tv on? Can’t have any amount of silence? Dopamine is mostly the culprit. Well, mismanagement of dopamine.

One aspect worth noting is that for some, not being able to sit in silence is related to being left with one’s thoughts. This sometimes stems from ACEs (adverse childhood experiences) that were never dealt with. As soon as it gets silent, those memories start coming back, so we look for noise to drown it out. The problem is it never goes away until we actually deal with it.

So why is it a big deal that we have tv on all the time? One reason is that if we are trying to sleep, the tv prevents us from going into REM sleep. Another is the brain needs more and more dopamine to reach balanced levels.

Dopamine was designed to be released in doses apropos to the stated goal. Too much or too little and things go bad.

A research study was done on rats and dopamine. They successfully muted or deactivated the part of the brain in the rat that produces dopamine. Then they put a piece of cheese about 6 inches in front of it. The rat starved to death. There was no system of pursuit in the rat. So we need dopamine to survive.

However, too much is just as bad. When we get hits of dopamine from things that cause us to produce massive amounts at once, it overloads our system. Things like TV (studies show that the brain is at its lowest functioning when watching tv and listening to college lectures), smart phones, alcohol, drugs, tobacco, chocolate (anything with lots of processed sugar), porn, the list goes on.

This is where homeostasis kicks in. Our body is meant to be in balance. So when our brain gets overloaded by dopamine because we turned the tv on, the synapses shut down and stop allowing dopamine to travel from neuron to neuron. The only medicine… is more dopamine. So when we turn the tv off, our brain says “NO! I need stimuli right now!!!” This is because your brain is mislead into thinking you are lacking dopamine all because it took in too much dopamine and your body’s attempt at homeostasis is sending mixed signals. This is the literal reason for addiction.

I’m not suggesting that tv is bad, that background noise is bad, that listening to music when you’re bored is bad. I’m only suggesting that if the intake of those things appears to be out of balance and there’s no possibility of silence without a disruption in your mental state, you may not be living your best life.

So what now? Dopamine fast. More on that later. But it is a thing. After that, we monitor our dopamine intake carefully to ensure we don’t overload. Knowing is one step closer to making it a possibility.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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10 Truths to Live By

I have had a couple of people that I hold in high regard recently all but chastise me, citing that there is no one way to do certain things and there’s no right way or wrong way to do other things. What those are will be for another day. Today I’ll list 10 verifiable, objective truths that everyone on planet earth could and should live by.

1. One should always aim high enough that the goal is unachievable while simultaneously making one better for taking steps towards such an ineffable aim. When you take one step towards the highest aim, the dopaminergic system kicks in and rewards you for doing so.

2. What one aims towards should never be another human being and should always be greater than anyone on earth, as people will let you down at some point. One must aim towards one that will never let you down. Aristotle once said:

Everything that is in motion was moved by another being in motion, but that this could not have begun by anything in motion. The very beginning of motion had to have been started by an eternal unmoved mover.

This is where our aim should be.

3. Anything you do for a child that the child is capable of doing for themselves has just delayed the development of that child in that area. Resilience and achievement are pillars for human flourishing.

4. Suicide is always preceded by isolation. We are social beings. The only thing that prevents us from becoming mentally insane is meaningful social interaction.

5. The greatest meaning in life is found at the crossroads of order and chaos. The greatest meaning for a man can be found at the intersection of productivity and generosity.

6. Life is about the journey. Not the destination. The destination takes care of itself through the manifestation of the journey’s steps.

7. To truly find meaning in life, make your life about others. Stop focusing on you and focus on others.

8. For children, self esteem is not the primary goal, but rather the secondary byproduct of the goal. If self esteem is the goal to aim for, it will be attained falsely and will not sustain without manufactured achievement. If personal self-achievement is the goal, self esteem is obtained through the successful merit of such achievements. Self esteem is the result of something else, not the primary goal.

9. If you marry because you feel love for the other person, you will divorce because you no longer feel love for them. The reason for marriage must reside on a much more sustainable foundation of compatibility, reaching beyond the fleeting nature of feelings into the cognitive process of knowing this person is right for you and you are right for this person, even and especially when times get difficult.

10. Pineapple ruins pizza (Ok. I had to put one funny note in here. But really, yuck. Don’t do that).

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Does Empathy Equal Morality?

Empathy: Is it a good thing, a bad thing, or just a thing? Does being high in empathy make you a good person and does being low in empathy make you a bad person? Good questions. We turn to research to find the answer.

Turns out, the answer is actually that empathy is not moral or immoral, rather it is amoral. It’s just a thing. It does not make you a good person to have a lot or a bad person to have little. There is no such connection.

In a 2014 paper for the Psychological Bulletin, researchers reviewed all available data on this subject in a meta-analysis and found that 1% of the variation of aggression was due to lack of empathy. There is no real correlation to low empathy making you a bad person.

Studies show that when “spotlighting” one through empathy, one is willing to disregard laws, ethics, morals, and good reasoning to make sure the one they’re empathizing with is taken care of. This clearly clouds our judgement.

Participants in one study were willing to move one subject up in the list of transplants, even if it meant there was a good chance the subject would still live and a good chance the ones she skipped would die. It didn’t matter. Participants had empathy.

Another study took it another step and participants were willing to inflict pain that could result in hospitalization on a math contest participant that was opposing the one they were empathizing with. Didn’t matter. Gotta empathize.

You can only empathize with one person at a time. You can sympathize with many and have compassion for many. But you can only empathize with one at a time. This is why it is so dangerous.

Is it all bad? No. Cognitive empathy, theory of mind, and effective altruism are all ways in which empathy can be a good thing. We can allow it to drive us in a good direction but empathy must be met with analytic and altruistic reasoning that calibrates the possible upcoming action for effectiveness and realistic achievement. Understanding where someone is and how they are feeling is a good thing. When it propels us into unfettered, unbridled, blind action is when it becomes a problem.

Compassion is the best emotion to feel for those suffering. It is a true feeling that keeps bad decisions at bay long enough for your prefrontal cortex to get involved and make a rational decision. Rational compassion.

So, please remember this when you begin hearing people claiming empathy is the one all encompassing path to morality and goodness. It is FAR from that. On a good day.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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The Thanksgiving Feast: No Regrets

Ah, Thanksgiving! That glorious time of year when you can’t decide to bake or fry your turkey. You have the choice of having your potatoes with little lumps, with peas and onions, or the everlasting standby: tater tots. Your choice of 5 different desserts…oh the dessert! It’s a meal that’s been in the works for days, sometimes even weeks, and it’s finally here. The moment has arrived for you to gather around the table with friends, family, and a serious amount of stuffing. But wait—before you start mentally calculating how many calories are on your plate, take a deep breath and repeat after me: No regrets.

Let’s get real for a second. We all know that Thanksgiving is an indulgent holiday. It’s not about measuring out your portions or calculating macros; it’s about eating for joy, not for judgment. And you know what? You DON’T have to feel guilty about it.

*SN If you are boycotting all pilgrim holidays, this still applies for your grilled cheese or your trip to Ruby Tuesday.

Balance is Key—Not Guilt

Here’s the thing: You won’t get skinny from one salad, and you won’t get fat from one Thanksgiving meal. Balance is the magic word. It’s all about perspective. Let’s say you devour an extra slice of pumpkin pie (guiltyyyy). Sure, in the moment, you might feel a little bit like you’ve just made a questionable life choice. But in the grand scheme of things, that slice of pie is not going to singlehandedly derail your fitness and health goals or send you into an emotional tailspin.

Instead of stressing over every bite, try focusing on the bigger picture: you’re enjoying food that’s been carefully prepared with love and tradition. And if that means going a little overboard on the different potato options, so be it. The meal is temporary, but the memories of laughing with your loved ones over a shared table last a lifetime.

Let’s Talk About That Salad

You know what’s great? Eating healthy most of the time. That’s the true key to balance. But do we need to turn a salad into a shrine of holiness just because it’s the “healthier” choice? Not really. Yes, the salad is a lovely gesture, but it’s not going to cancel out your second helping of gravy-drenched turkey. One salad doesn’t make you a health guru, and one Thanksgiving meal doesn’t make you a turkey-stuffing monster.

Just eat the danged ole salad if you’re craving it, and then go for the stuffing, mashed potatoes, and whatever else your heart desires. Food is meant to be savored, not tortured by guilt.

The Real Secret: Mindful Eating

The real trick to enjoying Thanksgiving (or any indulgent meal, really) is mindfulness. Savor your bites. Pay attention to the flavors and textures. Listen to the crunch of the stuffing and the smoothness of the gravy. Be present in the moment, not thinking about whether you should have skipped the extra roll or if you’re going to have to do 500 burpees to make up for that extra scoop of cranberry sauce.

You know why? Because this holiday only comes around once a year. It’s a chance to celebrate abundance, connection, and joy. Focus on the fun, the family, the laughs, and the fact that the pie you’re about to devour is really freaking delicious. You’ll feel fuller with joy than with regret.

It’s Not a Day of Sin

Let’s get one thing straight: Thanksgiving is not the day you “fall off the wagon.” There’s no wagon to fall off of—there’s only a table, filled with glorious, comforting food. It’s one meal. One day. Not a week, not a month, not a lifestyle choice. So, embrace it.

The next morning, if you’re feeling sluggish, take a walk. Drink some water. But don’t punish yourself for enjoying yourself the day before. You didn’t ruin anything. You didn’t undo all your hard work. You just had a really good meal. And that’s something worth celebrating.

The Bottom Line? Eat, Enjoy, Repeat

So, here’s the bottom line: Thanksgiving is about enjoying the food, not obsessing over it. It’s about balance, mindfulness, and zero guilt. Fill your plate, fill your heart, and most importantly, fill your soul. If you eat something with a sense of enjoyment and no second-guessing, your body will thank you for it.

And if you do find yourself eyeing that last slice of pie and thinking, “Can I? Should I?” The answer is yes, yes you can. And you should—because one indulgent day won’t derail anything. Just enjoy it and move on. Tomorrow’s another day, and it’s full of opportunities to find balance all over again.

Dig in with no regrets. Just gratitude.

Stay Healthy GP!

JD

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Not Sure What to Do with Your Halloween Candy? EAT IT!

Here we are, the leaves are changing colors, and the air is turning crisp. It’s that magical time of year again. Costumes, decorations, and of course, Reese’s Cups – ok there are other candies, but we all know Reese’s Cups are the best. With all those sugary temptations, it’s easy to feel a hint of guilt. Well, there’s good news: indulging in some Halloween treats is perfectly fine – just remember to keep it fun and moderate!

Debunking the Fear of Sugar

The common misconception is that sugar itself is a direct path to health issues like heart disease and diabetes. While sugar does pack a lot of calories per gram, it’s not the sugar itself that magically creates problems. Instead, it’s overindulgence that can lead to obesity, and ultimately, those scary health conditions. A little bit of sweetness can fit into a balanced diet without the looming threat of disaster. (Real quick- I’m not saying you can’t develop conditions like heart disease and diabetes unless you are obese, however obesity heavily increases the risk of development)

The Sweet Science of Balance

For those managing conditions like diabetes, Halloween can feel a bit more complicated. It’s essential to be mindful about sugar intake. According to the Healthline article Understanding Your Daily Insulin Needs, individuals with properly functioning insulin can enjoy candy without meticulously tracking every morsel, allowing for a more relaxed experience.  However, diabetics and prediabetics should approach their choices with care.

Healthline highlights that understanding how much insulin to take for the carbohydrates you eat can help people with diabetes enjoy celebrations with confidence. By keeping an eye on consumption and adjusting insulin accordingly, you can enjoy your favorite treats without worry.

Tips for a Guilt-Free Candy Adventure

  1. Select Your Favorites: Reese’s Cups are of course your favorite. Therefore, instead of sampling every candy in the bowl, focus on the Reese’s Cup (or whichever one you so wrongly chose as your favorite). This way, you can indulge without feeling overwhelmed.
  2. Practice Portion Control: Enjoy a small serving instead of diving headfirst into the entire stash. A little treat can satisfy your cravings and keep you on track. Remember it’s not the size of the candy bar; it’s how you enjoy it!
  3. Stay Active: Incorporate some movement into your Halloween plans! Whether it’s a family stroll after a meal or a Stomp the Yard dance competition, staying active helps balance out those extra calories.
  4. Prioritize Balance: Make sure your meals include plenty of vegetables, proteins, and grains. A nutritious diet allows for the occasional treat without guilt. Earn that candy!
  5. Savor Each Bite: Take your time and enjoy your candy. Mindful eating enhances the experience and helps you feel satisfied with smaller amounts. After all, why rush a good thing when you can savor that sugary blissfulness and make the moment last?
  6. Sugar Free Options: Last but not least, there are sugar-free options in almost every type of candy. I personally don’t care for them. I like genuine processed sugars in my life, thank you very much. Besides, most sugar-free candy has me running to the Port-a-John every time. Gross. However, these can be excellent substitutions. My wife and I regularly intake sugar-free substitutes such as, sodas, ice cream, and some homemade baked desserts. *Aspartame & sucralose are not inherently bad for you. They do give some people headaches and stomach aches (like anything else in the world), but there are no links to cancer. See PMC10459792.

This Halloween let’s embrace the joy of candy without fear! With a bit of understanding and a dash of moderation, you can enjoy your favorite sweets while keeping your health in check. So go ahead, indulge in that fun-sized treat, and celebrate your excuse to eat a Reese’s Cup (or go crazy and get a Fastbreak!). Happy Halloween!

Stay Healthy, GP!

JD