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Eliminate the E.N.D.

The last kid is moved into college and the parents are back at home. The very next thing that happens is the husband and wife look at each other as if they’re looking at a stranger. The husband says, “who are you and how did you get into my house?” The wife says, “I was just about to ask you the same thing.” Slowly they begin to realize they’ve been married for 25 years and end up divorced because they don’t know their spouse anymore. I call these “Empty Nest Divorces” (E.N.D.).

I get these calls all the time in the insurance business. The wife calls to tell me that we need to split her and her husband into separate policies because they are going through a divorce. The situation is almost predictable. They are in their mid to late 40’s to mid 50’s and their youngest kid went off to college. I’m telling you that I get that call more than once a month. How can this be? How can that many people be divorcing after that many years?

Unfortunately the answer is quite simple. They put so much time, effort, and importance on their children that they never took time to cultivate their own relationship. As a result, they look up at each other and don’t even recognize the person they’re married to. They forgot that all relationships require time and effort, even their marital relationship. It’s not something you can just take for granted. Because if you do, you’ll be calling your insurance agent asking to separate the policies. You’ll be trying to explain to your grown children why thanksgivings will never be like they were. And they will begin thinking that they were the cause. If they wouldn’t have gone to college, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Believe me, just because they’re older and wiser doesn’t exclude them from the internal belief that a divorce is their fault. It happens to all children, no matter the age.  

So how do we eliminate Empty Nest Divorces? It’s not easy, but here are some steps. First, date nights must be priority. Once every 2 weeks is ideal. Once a week is too hard to accomplish and once a month may not be enough. This is top level priority. You don’t cancel, you don’t “come back to it.” You go. Go somewhere. Don’t spend money if you don’t want to. But go. Get out of the house and spend quality time together, with NO children around.

Having said that, the most important thing you can do to avoid an empty nest divorce is to keep your children Third in your life. Your life must reflect God’s design for living. In God’s design, you should have no gods before Him. Also in His design, what He put together, let NO man (mankind) separate. This includes your children. So based on that, your first relationship priority is your relationship with God. Your second relationship priority is your relationship with your spouse. That means that your relationship with your children comes after that. For more on priorities in relationships, click HERE.

Your children simply were not designed to be that important in your life. They were designed to learn from you and you being there for them to prepare them to “Leave mother and father and cling to one another.” Your children weren’t meant to be placed in a position where they are more important than your spouse. But if they become more important than your spouse, your spouse becomes a stranger to you. You grow separately and because you grow separately, you are in different areas of life. You have to grow together.

But is it really that serious? Is it really that rampant? How many people is this actually happening to? Glad you asked (ok, I know you didn’t ask, work with me here). In 2015, for every 1,000 married persons ages 50+, 10 divorced, which is up from 5 in 1990, according to data from the National Center for Health Statistics and U.S. Census Bureau. Among those ages 65+, the divorce rate has nearly tripled since 1990, reaching 6 people per 1,000 married persons in 2015. With the surge in divorces for those 50+, the empty nest puts couples at higher risk for divorce than ever before. So yes, it’s kind of a big deal.

So for those that have a chance to reverse this trend, please work on it. Your children will thank you; your spouse will thank you. Date your spouse. Don’t neglect that. Keep your children third. Then, when that last kid gets moved into college, you can look at each other and say, “now we can REALLY have some fun!” Life only gets better as you grow closer to your spouse.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Does God Send Good People to Hell?

I can’t imagine God sending good people to hell!

From an emotional, and even logical standpoint, this makes sense. When one thinks of God, they think of who He is and what He embodies. God is goodness. God is love. God is kindness. You get the point. But to truly understand this concept, you have to know God’s nature. There is more to God than just sweet whispers in your ear during a crisis. God is also jealous (Exodus 25:5 & 34:14), vengeful (Romans 12:19), and a God of wrath (Deuteronomy 32:35).

We have all heard this phrase spoken. We’ve heard it said primarily in reference to people that live lives believing that there are certain sins God didn’t mean to put in there. He meant to say that “those” sins are actually ok. That the writers of the Bible just made a mistake. We’ve heard it said in reference to those that don’t really know what they believe, or if they believe in God at all but live a good, decent life. So that brings the question, would God send perfectly good people to hell? To answer this question and address that phrase above, you have to look at two things: what does “good people” mean, and does God send people to hell? We’ll start with the latter.

Imagine you’re on a train and this train is headed for a brick wall. You are certainly headed for death- no doubt. You didn’t do anything to really cause this. You’re just on the train. And you really can’t do anything to stop it. It’s going too fast to try to do anything about it. Suddenly, someone comes along and says, “I have a way out. It’s not easy, but it’s the way out. You’ll avoid death and live a long fruitful life.” What’s your next move? “Nah, I’m good. I think I’ll just sit back and hope for the best.” No. You wouldn’t do that. You would jump at the opportunity to be rescued from inevitable death.

This is the life we live, summed up. We were born destined for death. We didn’t get ourselves into this, Adam did that. We can’t get ourselves out either. So God comes along and comes up with a plan; Adam got them in, so he’ll send Jesus to get them out. So there we were, on that train headed for a brick wall. Jesus comes in and says, “I’m the way out of here.” What you and I do with that information is up to us. We can either choose to follow this guy out or hit that brick wall and perish being a perfectly good person. But in the end, God never sent anyone anywhere. He made a way out, and we choose to take that way or not. Up to us.   

But wait, they’re really good people! Ok. Well, let’s see what the guy that gave us a way out says. The next place we have to look is to standards. Standards are used in every facet of life in the entire universe. Standards tell us true value. If I say that a pizza is good, that’s one standard, my standard. I love pizza. I feel like I know a good pizza when I taste one. But then again, I like frozen pizza. But if an owner of an authentic Italian pizzeria in Chicago says a pizza is good, well that’s a different standard. Now that pizza just raised in value. It’s now worth more that he said it was good than when I said it was good. Unfortunately, our standards vary as well as ebb and flow. They are not steady. Sometimes they are raised and sometimes they are lowered, based on our current circumstances. God’s standards never change. If there’s one thing I learned in my boring philosophy of religion class, it’s that if God could change, we would be doomed. The fact that He cannot and will not change gives us a steady standard by which to live and a hope that we serve a truly just and almighty God.

So what are His standards? Isaiah 64:6 says that our righteousness, our best, is still like filthy rags, meaning that our best is still not worthy of God’s presence. Romans 3:23 says that all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God. Basically, summed up, we can be as good as we can possibly be, like Billy Graham and Mother Teresa good, and will still not be worthy of God and being in His presence. So there has to be another way. Yep. Jesus. Being good does not qualify you for heaven. You don’t get holy brownie points.

But there’s good news, you didn’t get yourself in this mess so you can’t get yourself out. Yep. Jesus. Seeing a pattern yet? When Jesus said He was the only way, He really meant it. Goodness isn’t another way. Jesus is the ONLY way. He’s the only way off of that train. Our goodness still has us buckled into the seats on the train. If you believe your goodness outweighs your sin, or that what God calls sin really isn’t a sin, and you don’t believe you’re doing anything wrong, you’re in a very dangerous place. You’ve been blind-sided by deception. But there’s hope.

So what do we do when we wrestle with the truth of God’s word? When we really don’t like God’s laws? I’ll leave you with this tough truth. I once had a rule in my house that one of my bonus sons didn’t want to adhere to. I basically told him he had two choices, adhere or leave. He said he would follow the rule but made sure he told me what he thought about it. My wife says, “What are we going to do about this?” I said, “Nothing. That’s a win! I don’t need him to like the rule, I just need him to obey it. Out of his obedience, I can reward him and bless him.” See, blessings always flow from obedience. The sins that God has defined as such in the Bible are there for our protection. But the hard truth is, God doesn’t need us to like them, he just needs us to obey them.

It’s much like when I was going to church growing up. There were many, many times that I didn’t want to go. My parents never asked me if I wanted to go. They didn’t care if I wanted to go. They KNEW that if I would just obey, blessings would flow. They knew this, even when I didn’t. And eventually, once I was “grown”, I ended up seeing the benefit of church and began attending on my own. I would’ve never gotten to that place if I hadn’t obeyed them and God.

The qualification? Believe Jesus is who He says He is. Follow Him. Turn away from sin daily. The man on the cross next to Jesus basically asked Jesus to just remember him and maybe let him join. That was about it. No baptism. No special worded prayer. No song with a 14-minute bridge to catch your emotions. Just “Hey Mister, I believe you are who you say you are, can I go too?” And Jesus said yes.

So, does God send good people to hell? Nope. We were already headed there. He gave us a way out. We choose what to do with that. But if we want to be right with God, it starts with recognizing our shortcomings. Without that, we’re still really good people sitting on that train.

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What Leaders Do for Christmas

I recall the time when my dad was out late for work. It happened a lot when we first moved to Tennessee. He had left a good job in lumber sales in Louisiana to help start a new church in Nashville, Tennessee. So when we got here, he was looking for work. He found odd jobs here and there and jobs that had him working from morning to late at night.

Every Christmas, mom would prepare us for the idea that Santa didn’t make a lot of stuff this year and so we wouldn’t be getting very much. This conversation happened every year. And every year, we had so much stuff, it took forever to go through it all. But even if they hadn’t been able to get us stuff, would we have been provided for? Yes. Because they gave us gifts that lasts for eternity.

See, dad’s time spent at work was to provide. It was to make sure his wife and his kids (in that order) were taken care of. He always attempted to show us how God would act. What God would say. What God would think. He taught us to see through God’s eyes and not our own.

Many many times we would say things like, “but his dad lets him!” Dad’s response would always be, “I’m not his dad, I’m yours and I don’t care what they think or what you think, I only care what God thinks.” Both of my parents were always making sure we knew what was most important. What we thought, what we wanted, simply wasn’t very important. Only what God wanted. I was talking with a young relative, around age 4 at the time, and he kept saying “but I want… but I want.” I looked at him and said “what you want isn’t important at all right now. The only thing that is important is that you do what I’m telling you to do.” He looked at me like I had three heads. It was clear he had never been told that.

This principal seems to be lost on the current generation. Things are always about what WE want. Instead of: what does God want. Pastor Charles Simpson expressed my sentiments on this exactly when he said, “I was born before they invented self-esteem. My parents just weren’t that impressed with me.” Exactly! Sometimes they were pleased. But mostly, they were providing for us and instructing us. I’m here to tell you that kept me out of jail. There’s truly no telling where I’d be if I hadn’t received the instruction of pleasing God before our own wants and desires.  

This is what leaders do. Leaders give you something that will last a lifetime. My parents always gave us more than enough during Christmas, but there was a reason. They didn’t get themselves ANYTHING. Was it because they didn’t have enough money to get all four of their boys something and get something for themselves? Perhaps. But, based on my knowledge of them, I’m inclined to think it was because of the principal of being a real leader.

Leaders serve first and eat last. Leaders wait until everyone has eaten at least once before they even pick up a plate. It doesn’t matter if the food is cold now. As long as everyone else has eaten, a leader is happy. Leaders let company use their toys first. Leaders let friends be the first to play a certain game. Leaders get up and give the last seat to someone else.

This leadership was instilled in us at a very early age. I’ll never forget when I saw a very clear, tangible expression of this. My little brother Jonathan was about 6 or 7 years old. He went with me to get a copy of my driver’s license. The waiting room had about 15 or 20 chairs and they were all full. He and I had taken the last two. A man walks in and looks around for a seat. Jonathan immediately, without hesitation, gets up and kneels down next to me to give up his seat. He had been taught that his comfort didn’t matter that much. He had been taught to respect his elders. Subsequently, he entered the military with almost no problems. He already knew what real leadership looked like.   

You know what else leaders don’t do? Leaders don’t buy for themselves at Christmas. They shop solely for others. I’ve seen many things I’ve wanted during this season. But I simply cannot bring myself to buy myself something. It’s just not in me. Why? Because that’s not what a leader does. I have the money to buy more than enough gifts for everyone in my family, and that’s a lot of people. I also have enough money to get what I want for me. But I won’t. Because I intend on sending a clear message to my children that leaders provide and put others first.

This Christmas, whether you have the means to provide everything your children want or not, make sure you provide the most important gift, pleasing God. Make sure your children know that what God wants is more important than any switch game or TikTok trend. Make sure they know that, at times, they aren’t that important. They need to know that. When we learn that what God wants supersedes what we want, we will then live in unity with Him and His children. Because then our lives become about others first. My kids can answer this quickly when I ask: what’s the key to life summed up in one word? Others.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Compassion Fixed My Car

No it didn’t.

I remember taking my car, years ago, to a company that proudly displayed their Christian faith and the owners were very kind and genuine. They would tell me they were praying for me. They were the nicest people. There’s a problem, though; my car always had the same or a similar problem after I got it back from them. They never fixed my car correctly. After speaking with many in the area I was in, I heard the same stories. They just were not very good at fixing cars. But they were GREAT people.

Well, when I needed my car fixed, I was more concerned about my car being fixed than if they were praying for me. As coarse as that may sound, I need my car to work properly so I can do what God called ME to do.

In contrast, I also used to take my car, many years ago, to a guy that was incredibly rude. Not friendly at all. The first two signs you saw when you walked in were, “No Refunds!” and “I shoot every third salesman and the second one just left.” But my car was in perfect shape when I got it back. I hated that he retired. It IS possible to separate business from personal convictions. If the business is good at what they do, they’ll get my business.

Our country is now at the point where it is being run like a business. As it should be. And in this business, citizens get to vote on who runs the company. I’ve been told I can’t vote for Biden because he wants to take my guns. I’ve been told I can’t vote for Trump because he has no compassion. I’ve been told I can’t vote for Jo because she has no shot of winning. I’ve been told I can’t vote for Kanye or it will take votes away from Trump… or it will take votes away from Biden. I’ve been told Trump is a liar. I’ve been told Biden is a liar.

So what do I do? How can I make sense of all this? Well, I have to use process of elimination. First, let’s look only at what we KNOW. I know that politicians lie. All of them. I can’t recall the last time a politician told the truth consistently. I know that occasionally, they pander to the religious right to gain a vote but would never normally show up and contribute on a weekly basis to an actual church. As a Christian, if I’m looking for someone that will represent that part of my ideals, I’ll be looking a very long time. Politicians don’t represent Christians. They represent people that they want to vote for them. And that’s where their allegiance ends. They’re looking for the vote, and once they get it, they move on to do exactly what they wanted to do in the first place, regardless of what you think.

So if I know that they all lie and I know that they don’t represent my Christian values, then how can I possibly choose who to vote for? Well, first, let consider what we CAN’T do. We can’t choose someone based on what they say. We just established that they all lie. Pretending to have compassion, or even having actual compassion doesn’t make them good at a job either. It’s makes them a good person. And my car still won’t work. I can’t listen to words of compassion and empathy and decide that’s good enough, because when I try to start my car, it won’t start. At that point, empathy and compassion aren’t getting the job done. 

The real answer if painfully simple, yet seemingly unattainable by mainstream society. I must look ONLY at what they DO. Then I can decide if I agree with what they do or don’t do and see if it’s working… when I get my car back, does it now work? Because what they say is all hot air anyway. Biden thinks he’s running against George Bush for Senate and denied saying he won’t ban fracking. Trump boasts that his handling of Covid has gone perfectly. We all know those things aren’t true. So what have they done?

One thing that keeps coming up for Biden is the 1994 crime bill. So when Biden went to fix the car, the result of his work as a “United States mechanic” caused a large number of black people to no longer be able to “drive their car”, per se.

In contrast, Trump gave those same people a new car. He put in place the FIRST STEP act. This act did a few key things. It made smaller crimes have lesser sentences; Minimum sentences for first time criminals were lowered, money was saved from the prisoners being released and that money was allocated to transition programs and even more money was added to transition programs. On top of that, he made the plan retroactive.

Immediately, two things happened: non-violent, non-threatening, and first-time offenders were released from prison. The next thing that happened was prison recidivism changed dramatically. In 2019, incarceration dropped in 33 states. Basically, the car that left Biden’s shop still broken, was moved to Trump’s shop and not only got fixed but was improved to a better condition than it was in before.

He still doesn’t represent Christians. He still boasts too much, to the point of lying. He still says and tweets very insensitive and crass things. But if you need your car fixed, are you taking it to the guy that feels bad for you and prays for you and hands you back a broken car, or are taking it to the guy that isn’t super friendly but gets your car in brand new shape? 

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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The Divided States of America

“I pledge no allegiance to a flag in the divided states of America, and to the republic, which is destroyed, one nation, under control where individual liberties and freedoms are gone.”

I’ve been searching for the root of what we’re seeing. I’ve seen a myriad of symptoms. The anger turned to violence. The violence turned on those who represent hate. But then the violence turned on those who were instrumental in making sure we no longer have slavery, to ensure we don’t have two separate countries… people who fought FOR justice and equality. The statues of U.S. Grant and Frederick Douglas came down… this made no sense.

We are obviously witnessing a cultural, non-violent, civil war. The country is at least as divided as it was under Obama or any other administration, for that matter. And the symptoms are in front of us. But the root isn’t. I truly think the civil unrest that hovers over our nation is due to 2 things: 1- A lack of Identity and 2- Unforgiveness.

Identity: Go back and look. In the 1960’s when LBJ responded to the Moynihan report by incentivizing single mothers to remain single, the welfare state as we know it began to take root. And along with the spike in fatherless homes came their end of the bargain- votes. And with those votes came more free housing and food. Which placed many people in a position to depend on the government and never lay claim to a land of their own. This is NOT relegated to a certain race, by the way. White and black people suffered from this.

One of the ways to tell that this is true is to listen to conversations between people who were raised by people who lived in that system. They always refer to their home as “where they STAY”. “I stay on the north side. Where do you stay?” A buddy of mine wrote a blog on it once and I almost fell out of my chair because finally someone besides me noticed it and mentioned it. The word live isn’t used. Because it would refer to ownership or heritage. And there is neither with those that grew up dependent on the government.

The more ownership you have in something, the less likely you are to want to destroy it. You feel a certain connection to that town or area. You remember the history of that area… good and bad. You revel in the good and learn from the bad. But it’s your town. Your people. I submit that those of us who have a hard time understanding how someone could burn a town down, truly try to understand those that feel displaced. With no American roots. The cultural identity is a huge step in ending the misguided anger that we’re seeing unfold. And it’s up to us to include those who feel displaced to help give them a sense of ownership and pride.

Unforgiveness: When you think of people that have done great things, you remember the greatness of who they were and often overlook the wrong they did. Take a biblical character, for example. Saul/Paul. Paul wrote most of the new testament. Very possibly the largest contributor to the longest running best-selling book in the history of the world. We benefit from the teachings on marriage. On sins. On church. On friendships. We accept all of this knowing that he massacred many Christians prior to becoming a believer himself. Why? Because we know that who he WAS is not who he IS.

Historical figures that paved the way for our country to be the greatest country in the world are a bit messy. Lincoln, Grant, Jefferson, Madison, Washington… the list goes on… ALL owned slaves. Hamilton bought and sold them for his father-in-law. But all of these men accomplished incredible things that paved the way for us to have a free market system surrounded by individual protections that make us, by far, the best country in the world.

So when one mistake is made or discovered, does that discredit any good thing they ever did? I hope not. I RARELY agree with this guy, but truly, Bill Mahar said it best when it comes to cancel culture, “Who are these perfect people that have never made any mistakes?!”

What we’re seeing is an attempt to completely discredit any good thing done by someone who has ever failed in their past. Unfortunately, that would include every single person in the history of the world… except one. And that One taught us to forgive. To look past the transgression itself and into the heart of the person and forgive. This coming from a man that knew He would be betrayed by His own people.

What was the basis of America? The very reason for creating a new country and being willing to fight for this country to the death? Freedom. Freedom from a king’s rule. Freedom from being ruled by the church. Freedom to exist and partake in individual liberties without the fear of an oppressive government dictating and mandating your every move.  

And we got there. Did they make mistakes getting there? Yes. Did America make some mistakes getting to the place we are now? Of course. But we got here. We got to a place where we are more free and more equal than ever before in our nation’s history and more than any other society anywhere in the world. On the backs of humans… who made mistakes. In order to enjoy the benefits, we must forgive the mistakes, learn from the mistakes, and then we can enjoy the successes. If we keep erasing the mistakes, we’ll forget the mistakes… and repeat them. We must figure out a way to return to the UNITED states of America- through identity and forgiveness…. you know what? Forget everything I just said. I actually think it’s sports. That’s why we’ve all gone nuts. We need sports back!!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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What Is Your Why?

This isn’t a new concept. I didn’t coin the phrase. But the conversation still needs to be had. We still need to be transparent about our why. This is particularly difficult for men. Men “don’t need nobody’s help!” Expressing why we do what we do or why we are who we are means expressing how we feel… and, well, we just can’t be doing that. We may have to turn in our man card. But what if it wasn’t all mushy and sensitive? What if it was real, meat-and-taters kind of stuff? Would we be good with it then?

I referee high school and college basketball. Years ago, I began to strike up a friendship with someone I had known, but up until now, not this closely. We’ll call him “Jeff”. He was very successful. He knew I looked up to him in the officiating community. He agreed to mentor me and invest in me to be a better referee. One day I call him up, very frustrated. I told him I needed to meet with him. He agreed to meet. I began telling him how frustrated I would get when I went to my high school assignments. I was mainly frustrated with the fact that many refs didn’t seem to want to get better. Quite a few were not very good and it didn’t seem to matter. No one seemed to care.

Jeff could sense that I had poured myself in to this profession and did everything I could to be better than the game before. But those around me at the high school level didn’t seem to have the same desire. He began to ask me questions about these refs. “When was the last time you asked these refs about their lives. Where they work. Are they married? Any kids?” I did not see his point at first. To those that know me, this isn’t coming as a shock. He told me to start asking these questions when I was in the locker room before a game. He then told me to get the first name of the bookkeeper and the first name of the clock keeper of every game I officiated. He assured me these things would help my games go smoother and my frustration would decrease significantly.

I could not, for the life of me, figure out why it mattered whether they were married or not and what it had to do with being a good ref. Not knowing why, and thinking he sounded a little crazy, I did what he suggested anyway. And when I did, everything changed. EVERYTHING.

Each game, as I sat down in the locker room with the other refs, I began to ask these questions. And each time, I began to learn more about them. I began to become closer friends with them. I began to like them more. Understand them more. Then when they made a bad call, it wasn’t a big deal anymore. Because I understood who they were. And it superseded what they were doing on the court. I also started getting the names of the bookkeeper and clock keeper and my games started getting smoother and smoother. Why would it matter that I call them by first name? Because when I needed them and called them by their first name, there was an immediate friendship/relationship and they quickly wanted to help me… because we were friends now. It was about the relationship.

I became friends with another ref during all of this. We’ll call him “Josh”. I told him about the paradigm shift I had. He just chuckled at me. One night, I had a game with Josh and he had a family medical emergency. He had just begun working for the assigner and called me to ask what to do. I advised him that the assigner was a good guy and would understand and to call him right away. I went to the game with the replacement ref. Afterwards, on my way home, I called Josh to ask how everything was. He told me his situation was going to be fine. He thanked me for asking then said, “You really are taking this new approach seriously!” I told him that if I’m learning anything, it’s that officiating isn’t about just the sport. In fact, it isn’t primarily about the sport. It’s about the relationships. It’s about the camaraderie. It’s about being in a battle and the only friends you have are the ones with the stripes on. He and I became better friends after that.

So my “why” began to get clearer. Why do I officiate? Why would anyone sign up to be yelled at, belittled and berated on a nightly basis? The answer is simple, the relationships. Someone asked me why I started writing blogs. I felt it was something God told me to do. My wife concurred with that belief.  She would push me to write when I didn’t want to. The last blog I wrote, I put on to social media and it got ONE… 1 like. So why would I keep writing? The relationship I have with God. It’s about his people. Not how good or bad I may write. I may write a terrible blog, and those around me know me. They understand who I am and, all of the sudden, it isn’t a big deal that I suck at writing. Okay, maybe I don’t suck all the time. Haha.

I’ll leave you with this. The story of Jesus going up to pray right before he was arrested is an interesting one. This is where we see the true story. Jesus asked God to find another way. He asked God if there was any other way, let’s do that! He quickly got His answer. So what was Jesus’ why? His relationship with His Father. The proper perceptive here is this: Jesus didn’t die for us. Jesus died because of His love and obedience for His Father and because of that, we are saved. The real “why” in this story is the relationship. What’s your “why”? Why do you do the things you do? What drives you to be who you are? Are you satisfied with that person? When you really learn your why, chances are it will be connected to a relationship. And when you do define your why, buckle up. Because everything changes… for the better.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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How Many Loaves Do You Have?

Here we are. Everything we hold in high esteem has been silenced. NBA, NHL, MLB, concerts, movies… the list goes on. There have been many theories about how we got here. Understanding that is as important as understanding where we are, where we are going, and how we’re going to get there.

After watching an interview of Dallas Jenkins, Director of The Chosen, I was struck by the story of the feeding of the 5,000. I’m not actually sure it was 5,000… seems to have been more. In one version, it was reported there were 5,000 men- not including women and children. So, no one really knows how many there were. But in this case, how they got there was as important as the rest of the story (Mark 6:30 and Matthew 14:13).

See, Jesus had been teaching and healing. He went non-stop for hours. Mark 6:31 says “Because there were so many people coming and going, they did not have a chance to eat…” Jesus CREATED the problem. He created the NEED. He put them in a place where only a miracle would solve the problem. He left them in a place where they could only look to God and nothing else. This happens to us in the 21st century when we don’t humble ourselves. He then has to bring us to a place where we’re reminded that we need Him. But He desires that we get there ourselves so He doesn’t have to. I’m a dad. I don’t want to humble my children. It’s not fun…at all. I desire that they keep themselves humble and on the right track. But it’s not always that simple.

After Jesus created the need, the disciples also noticed that the crowd needed to eat and asked Jesus to send them away. Everyone was tired. Jesus said, “how many loaves do you have?” He knew the answer. He wanted them to watch God in all of His glory.

I’m not saying that this virus was sent by God. But it wouldn’t surprise me. As in John 9:1-3, Sometimes things just happen in order for the works of God to be displayed in us. This happened all through scripture. So I ask, how many loaves do you have? What do you have to offer? You may think you can’t get through this. You may have lost your job. You may be afraid of losing your house. But God may be looking to display His glory through you. How many loaves do you have?

For some it may be finances. But for others it may be talents. It may be serving. It may be feeding. For some, God may want to deal with a part of your character. This will, in turn, help those around you. Ask me how I know. Everyone has something they can do and something they can give. Something they can do to serve. Even if it’s just an encouragement through zoom. You have a loaf…you have a few loaves. You may not realize it until you begin looking for the need in others. When you get outside your own need, you find that others have needs that you can fill. You begin to see the works of God displayed in you. So… how many loaves do you have?

You may read this and say, “But I don’t have anything” or “I don’t have enough”. God knows better. God doesn’t need you to feed 5,000. He needs you to bring the loaves you have. He’ll take what the enemy meant for evil and turn it for good. But He still needs you to bring the loaves you do have. What do I mean by this? Humble yourself before God. Speak directly to Him, out loud, in humility. Ask Him what He would have you do in this time. Be prepared for the answer. It’s not going to sound the way you thought it would. All throughout the Bible, we learn that if you want something, you give it. If you want love, give love. If you want mercy, give mercy. If you’re worried about your finances, your physical health… give. Don’t worry about tomorrow. Don’t worry about what you don’t have or aren’t going to have. Bring whatever loaves you have… Then watch Him feed 5,000+!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Remember

The country is at a stand still over the corona virus. We all see it. It’s not hard not to be worried or anxious. Some in the middle Tennessee area have been ransacked by the tornadoes and are still in the middle of finding a new normal. How do we move forward? By looking back. By remembering.

I remember… I was still fairly new to our community of Hermitage, TN in the early 90’s. We had just moved there. My best childhood friend and his mom (and brother) moved to Tennessee from Louisiana at the same time we did, which was also right after his dad passed away. They followed my dad here, who was their pastor. Then came the call. This friend decided to play Russian roulette and the gun fired. I rushed to the hospital. They were working to keep him alive. The doctor came out at one point to say he was responding and may pull through. Soon after, he returned with news that I didn’t want to hear about my 14-year-old friend. He was gone.

I remember… at the funeral, a large number of people from our school showed up in support. Then all of the sudden, something very unexpected happened. I was surrounded by these people that I didn’t know very well because they knew I had grown up with him. I remember all of the outpouring of community definitely surprised me and allowed me to cope much better. I still wasn’t sure how I’d keep going… but I did.

I remember… developing a friendship with a guy soon after My childhood friend’s death who had just moved here from Indiana. We were instant best friends. Stayed close all through high school and after school. He married and moved to Arkansas. We were on the phone one Saturday talking about his plans to move back to Tennessee. We talked about how we both had small children who hadn’t met each other yet and we were going to raise them like cousins. He was starting a business and wanted me to work for him. The following Tuesday, all of those plans ended on interstate 40 in Arkansas. Again, I wasn’t sure how I’d keep going… but I did. I remember all of the calls I received.

Now I’ve survived various flu pandemics, Y2k, being a sports referee and being a girl dad. Pretty tough things. And now I’m staring at, yet again, another obstacle that scares the masses. But one thing I’ve learned about obstacles, no matter the situation… every. Single. Time. God uses it to bring people closer to Him, to each other and we are all stronger on the other side. Every Time.

This situation is no different. When the dust settles on the mass threat of the corona virus, people will be closer to each other. Already, people are publicly praying that wouldn’t normally be praying. People are turning to God in a very similar fashion as that of 9-11-01. But what if you’ve done all you can and something else hits? I feel like I’d be prepared. But I’m really not sure.

You’ve managed to miss being hit by the tornadoes in Tennessee. Then comes the corona virus. You take precautions and manage to miss being hit by that too. Chances are, you’ve also missed catching the various flu pandemics throughout our nation’s history. You’re in the shape of your life… only to find out you have Lymphoma cancer. How do you fight? I don’t know, but my close friend will fight… and I’m going to learn from him. I’m going to learn how to face all of these seemingly insurmountable odds and overcome. I’m going to learn about the “quality of life” many have spoken about. I’m also going to learn more about community. About how your community wraps its arms around you and gives you hope and a reason to push through. And one day, I’m going to look back and remember these moments and see what he came through… and subsequently, what I’m capable of.

Here’s the thing, with each trial, there’s always a new normal. A new normal that brings a stronger community unit. A new normal that brings a new sense of hope. Every time there’s a trial, God shows up. In each of my difficult times in life, He showed up in some way, every single time. It wasn’t some angel flying down from a cloud playing a harp in a toga outfit. It was JESUS IN PEOPLE.

I can’t convince you to not worry about this. But I can remind you that you’ve faced tougher things before and you’re still here. I can remind you that on 9-12-01, there were no republicans or democrats. There were no black or white people, just Americans. People were quick to extend a hand to a fellow American. We are in similar times. Remember what you’ve come through. Remember how you were stronger afterwards. Remember what you’ve accomplished. REMEMBER, you have overcome before…don’t stop now. Don’t lose sight of community. Don’t let fear own you. Don’t let what you see dictate what you do. But let who you know dictate what you do… and REMEMBER.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Parenting: Persistence and Practical Application (Part 2)

We discussed perspectives and pitfalls in part 1. Now let’s look at some persistence and practical applications. Here are ten (10) things we can do as parents to truly prepare our child to be ready for the world and for you to have a peaceful home along the way:

1-Currency. I didn’t really spank my kids much. Obviously, I firmly believe in it, but they’re girls and I knew my anger/temper and didn’t want to hurt them physically. What I did was make sure that the consequence hurt. Whatever they were being punished for was going to hurt so they wouldn’t forget it. I found their “currency” at the time and removed it. Whatever is important to them, it’s gone when they don’t listen the first time. I made my daughter sit by me as a punishment because she loves to be active and moving. So I made her sit still. I also didn’t let her complain about what she didn’t like. I let her know there’s a consequence for that too. As a result, she sat still and quiet. She did so for 20 minutes solid without a peep one day as a 4-year-old. Then she didn’t repeat the mistake. She learned. I did that without ever raising my voice once.

2- Don’t let your children work you against each other. Always come with a united front, even if you’re arguing about something or don’t even like the spouse. They will smell a weak union and attack. It’s in a child’s nature. If a child asks for something and one parent says no, if that child asks the other parent, the answer should automatically be no, regardless of what they’re asking for and an additional punishment should be handed down. That will stop and there will be peace in your home. Otherwise, you’re asking for chaos.

3- Obedience should come before love. Know that you’re in control. He/She is a child. He needs to obey first and then his life will be more fun. He can love on you AFTER he has obeyed you. That’s something all kids do. They start loving and hugging to get out of obeying. “but mom, I love you!” your response should be “if you love me, then obey me.” Remember that a child is learning from every single thing you do, don’t do, say and don’t say. They learn from EVERYTHING.

4- Teach them to fear you. The Bible talks about something called “Righteous fear” or “Holy fear”. It’s real and it needs to be in every child. They need to have a healthy/righteous fear of the adults in their life. The way you know if he fears you is if you tell him to do something- pick something up- and he does it the first time, he fears you. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t believe you’re going to follow through with your threats. Therefore, he doesn’t fear you. That has to change. Because one day he’s going to try that on a teacher or law enforcement and it won’t go well.

5- Never give a toddler what he/she cries for. Make them stop crying then ask politely with a smile on their face. The moment you give a child something because they cried for it, they learn that this is how you get what you want.

6- Restore peace by limiting the number of responses to a “No”. Also teach the child that if the answer is no, there are certain responses that are unacceptable. I tell my kids, “Your adversity can’t define you. But your response to it WILL!” I also limit the number of “But…”. I tell them if they ask one more time, there will be consequence. Guess what happens, peace is restored.

7- Always have 2 sets of punishments ready for a teenager. One for if they tell truth and the other if they lie. They should always be positively reinforced for telling the truth and the punishment should be lighter. This will encourage them to bring you the truth every time. Also, the only way to keep an open door of communication with a teenager is to assure them that no matter what they bring you, that you won’t get angry and blow up. But rather that you’ll sit down and talk it through. If they know they can talk to you and tell you they drank alcohol at a party the other night without you getting angry and just talking to them about it, they will bring it to you. If you blow up and get angry, they’ll never bring another thing to you. There has to be a level of trust both ways.

8- Everything belongs to you. With teenagers, the sooner you establish the expectation that everything in the house belongs to you, whether they bought it or not, the more peaceful your time will be. Teenagers have to be saved from themselves and reminded daily that they are not grown. If you want their phone, it’s yours. If you want their room, it’s yours. That expectation will make your life as a parent much easier.

9- Don’t sugar coat life for them. Let them see the good and not so good. Keep an open dialogue about these things. If everything is always taboo, they’re going to go and try to find out why it’s so taboo. If you’ve already discussed it and gave them examples of the consequences, they are much less likely to fall in the same trap.

10- Make a point to teach him/her how to act in public. Let him know that there are different standards for home and public places like church and restaurants. Your job is to teach. Prepare him for life after high school. I’m sure your kid is a good kid, but he won’t be for long if he is allowed to do anything he wants without consistent consequence. My mom always said she didn’t want to raise a kid no one wants to be around. If we implement obedience habits now, the rest of their life, their relationships with teachers, law enforcement, professors, spouses, children, bosses and God, will be much smoother and healthier.

I know- it’s a lot. And it’s much easier said than done. But, unfortunately, at the end of the day, when it comes to parenting, a lot more is said than done. Begin to view your children as God’s treasure that is in your care to prepare for the world we live in. That perspective will make this journey more fulfilling. Don’t lose heart. Don’t give up. Surround yourself with parents that you want to be like and other parents that are in a similar stage of life as you. And remember, there are perfect parents out there… they just don’t have kids yet.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Parenting: Perspectives and Pitfalls (Part 1)

All of us believe we are good parents. And to a degree, we are all right about that. We are doing the best we can. We’re doing the best with what we know. But what if we could know more? What if we admitted we weren’t the perfect parent? Is there room to learn? If so, then let’s see what we can learn here…

One thing I see a lot of, these days, is many parents have a few troubling characteristics:

  • They are afraid to let their child get hurt by anything, ever.
  • They give them enormous amounts of decision-making way too early.
  • They don’t instruct with love AND discipline. It’s usually either love OR discipline. Kids need both, together.
  • They also try too hard to be their kids’ friends.
  • I also see parents make their child their WHOLE WORLD. As a result, we have kids that grow up thinking the world revolves around them. Then they’re forced to enter the real world and find out that it’s nothing like what mom and dad said it was going to be.          

First, we have to work on perspective. Recently, I saw a post on Facebook of this cartoon picture of a kid asking the meaning of life and the mother saying “you”. While I get the idea that the child is so precious and awesome, and it was a cute picture, the reality is that isn’t even close to the truth. The meaning of life has nothing to do with children. It’s simple. To have an ongoing relationship with God through Jesus. Nothing more, nothing less. But how do children fit in to that? That’s where proper perspective comes in. They. Are. Not. Ours. Our children DO NOT belong to us. They are God’s. We are just to be good stewards of them and prepare them to launch into the world to have their own relationship with God through Jesus. Not to be their friend. Ever. Here’s why that’s important.

One of the best things you can ever do for a child is make him/her 3rd in your life. (God, spouse, children, in that order- refer to a previous blog called “Relationship Priorities” for details on that). He needs to know that he’s not that important. ALL children need to know that.

Another reason this perspective is important is that if you understand that the child is not yours, then you don’t feel the need to elevate him higher in priority than he should be. That this is temporary. That he’s going to be out in the world and you’re going to hope you did enough to prepare him for the crazy world we live in. That he shouldn’t feel the pressure of being #1 in your life. He/She should be allowed to be 3rd.

Another reason this perspective is important: if you come to an understanding that your child belongs to God and that you are merely being a good steward of God’s child, preparing him to launch in to a world where he has his own relationship with God through Jesus, then it causes you to want to have the best relationship with God that you can. Because his relationship with God is going to look exactly like yours, whatever that means. Good, bad or absent. Also, side note, his view of God will be his view of his dad (or father figure). If his dad (or father figure) is loving, the child’s view of God will be loving. If he’s negligent, his view will be that God is absent and negligent.

Decision making should increase with age and maturity. Letting a 4-year-old determine where you go to church or eat is sending a terrible signal. Letting a child not eat dinner then eat whatever they want from the fridge, another terrible signal. My options were, eat what mom cooked or starve. If you’ve seen me, you know I didn’t starve. Haha. By the way, kids can go to bed hungry. It won’t kill them. They can also fall down and scrape their knees. It’s ok. It builds their immune system. We have too many parents putting their kids in bubble wrap so they don’t get hurt by anything. Let them get hurt. It makes them stronger. More about decision making…

At age 14, you can’t drive a car at all. At age 15, you can but not alone. At age 16, you can drive alone but you can’t vote. At age 18, you can vote but you can’t buy a glass of wine. At age 21, you can buy a glass of wine, but you can’t rent a car. At age 25 you can rent a car. Even the federal and state governments, who rarely get things right, understand that with age comes more decision making, freedom and responsibility. With each birthday, let your child make decisions on something new. But remember, your job is to make decisions for them when they clearly can’t make good ones on their own.

A child needs to know that what he wants isn’t that important. Not nearly as important as his obedience. He needs to know that. The only thing that is important is obedience to you and the adults with authority in his life. You speak, he listens. If he doesn’t listen the first time, there’s an immediate consequence. Every time. Quick story about that.

Someone I knew of years ago had a kid that never listened until she got in his face and yelled for the 10th time. One day, he goes after a ball that went into the street. She yelled from the front porch to come back. Naturally, because he never listened before, he didn’t listen this time either. The boy ran in to the street and got hit by a car. He was 9. It wrecked her because she knew it was because she never made him listen the first time. Every child needs to be taught to listen the very first time. It’s hard and requires intense consistency, but it’s imperative.

Unfortunately, the single mother epidemic is another struggle in parenting and the struggle is real. From a single mother’s perspective, this is tough. Because the dad is supposed to teach him to listen and correct him when he doesn’t, and the mom is supposed to console him while reiterating and reinforcing what the dad just taught. But a single mom sometimes has to be both. Believe me, I’m fully convinced that single moms have a special place in heaven and will jump to the front of the line in the awesome stuff heaven will have to offer.  One thing about all children is, they want instructions and boundaries. But they’ll never be able to tell you that. But the core of who they are loves the safety in boundaries. We have to set those. That’s what we’ll discuss in part 2 of this blog.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger