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The Blended Bunch (part 2)

So we covered the array of emotions and difficulties children go through when attempting to blend a family. But what about the spouses? They’re trying to build a new life together. They’re still figuring out whether they can deal with the fact that he squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube instead of the end. She pulls the toilet paper from the back. He sleeps with the fan on. She likes the TV on when she sleeps. Adults have enough on their plate before we even get in to the conversation of children.

To fully understand the biblical priorities, please refer to an earlier blog I wrote called “Relationship Priorities”. It covers the 5 relationships we have and the order in which they are to be prioritized. In that, you’ll find spouses 2nd and children 3rd. In blended families, they have to be navigated very carefully. There are two different scenarios to think about: before you marry someone with kids and after you have married someone with kids.

BEFORE: I know that in my experience, one of the things that was going to determine whether I could marry Jennifer or not was her kids. If I didn’t like her kids, I wasn’t going to like her. It turns out that she has great kids. They are all smart and have great potential to change this world one heart at a time. They all have big hearts. This is important. If you want someone so bad that you’re willing to put up with kids you can’t stand, you may need to reevaluate your reasons for wanting that person. I can promise you that if it’s for money or any other tangible asset, it’s just not worth the financial gain. You will continue to be miserable on the inside. This wealthy man/woman can’t fix that. Promise.

Another thing I’ve found is that if you aren’t ok with being single, you won’t be ok with being married. Singleness is vital to a healthy marriage. As I’m typing this, my wife is on her way to hang out with girlfriends. An insecure, overly co-dependent man would attempt to forbid this. I’m encouraging it for a few reasons. One, I want the same encouragement when I hang with my guys. Two, it’s the right thing to do. Three, away time is a good thing. You read that right. A GOOD thing.

This conversation was something Jennifer and I understood well before we decided to marry or even date. She loved my daughters. I loved her kids. I haven’t always been crazy about her kids. She hasn’t always been crazy about my girls. But at the core, they’re good kids and we are a family. Albeit a jacked up, crazy, loud, diverse family… we’re still a family. But if I didn’t love her kids and she didn’t love my daughters, we wouldn’t have lasted a year. Maybe not even that long.

AFTER: So there you are, in a new relationship where you love the other person but aren’t really sure about their kid(s)… You’ll want to figure that out before you go another step. First, check your heart. Decide what it is about their kids you don’t like. Then decide if it’s something you can work through and/or get over, even if they don’t change. But if you decide to despise their kids the entire time you’re married, one of two things will happen. Either your marriage will greatly suffer and eventually end from the negative rhetoric or you will find that eventually their children want nothing to do with them. Both are vastly tragic. Your children need you. Their children need them. Now more than ever! Your spouse needs you. In a blended family, the spouse needs proper attention, but the children need more attention. The adults have to be adults and understand that until there is an acceptance of a new normal, they’ll need as much time as they need to reacclimate. There’s no deadline on this. You can’t be impatient (like I was). You can’t push the issue (like I did). You have to be very patient with every child and their unwillingness to adapt. Eventually they will. But regardless, adults have to be adults.

What we can’t do is divide and conquer. Division in a home will always lead to vulnerability, which leads to a welcomed attack from the enemy, which will end the relationship. It just can’t stand divided. In Matthew 12:25, Jesus says this very thing. How important is it that the house is united?

I once heard the story of Bob Mumford taking his seat on an airplane. He soon finds that he is seated next to a high priest in the satanic church. So he strikes up a conversation. During their conversation, the thing that stood out the most was this comment from the high priest in the satanic church, “We have goals, but our number one goal, by far, is to remove the fathers from the homes. If we can do that, the family will destruct and make our mission that much easier.” THAT is how important fathers and family unity are. Even the enemy recognizes it.

So check yourself. Look inward. Because the children need a united front. And blended children need more than that. These children deserve to have love, direction and guidance from a parent and a bonus parent that loves them. If you’ll commit to work at this and not give up, the blessings are immeasurable …And that’s how they became the Blended Bunch!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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The Blended Bunch (part 1)

Here’s a story… of a lovely lady… you know the rest. Eight…8! That’s the number of children My wife and I have parented… so far. 5 of hers, 3 of mine. I’m often asked how we manage that. I usually say with lots of alcohol. Ha! No but really, it’s a very tricky situation.

On one hand, Biblical priorities say the spouse is before the children. Children are third (Please refer to an earlier blog titled “Relationship Priorities”). On the other hand, children go through something that they never asked for (divorce) and are thrown into something else they didn’t ask for (a step-parent). And a much larger amount of grace and understanding are required to get through all of this.

Things to expect: children act out. They display their disapproval in different ways, but they all display it. If you think, for a minute, that your children love this new arrangement, you haven’t been paying attention. I’ve heard adults close to me say they still hold out hope their parents will get back together…and they’ve both been remarried for 15+ years. This desire doesn’t go away for some. So what do we do about it?

The only thing we can do is love them. Love them beyond their merit. They don’t deserve the amount of love we have to give them in these moments. But I don’t deserve the amount of love Jesus showed on the cross either. So I’m passing on the same unconditional, unmerited, undeserving love to my children and bonus children (not using “step”).

Things to expect: they’re going to feel like they are in the middle of a tug-of-war. Regardless of how hard you try to avoid it, it’s going to be how they feel. They can’t display love for mom around dad. They can’t display love for dad around mom. Or at least they don’t think they can. I once heard the story of a child that asked his dad, “Is it ok if I hate you while I’m at mom’s and love you while I’m here?” To which the dad said “Sure”. He understood the internal war this child was dealing with… that the child never asked for. It’s up to the adults to act like adults and make sure the children know that they are still very much loved by everyone.

Things to expect: children will play you against both their other parent and your new spouse. They will attempt to divide you and your spouse because they feel the need to make sure they maintain their primary role in your life. They usually do this when they haven’t been shown enough attention. And before you say, “they shouldn’t be attention seeking”, remember, this is a very unique situation that they didn’t ask for. Most children, regardless of what you say, believe their parents are divorced because of something they did wrong. If only they had done something better or not been so bad, their parents would still be together. We obviously know this is very wrong. Another reason why they need much more attention than the average child. That’s also where this whole “blended family” thing gets real dicey.

You have to keep children third, but you have to show them that they are a strong third. You also need to recognize the unique relationships of each individual child. My relationship with Ethan, 18, is very different than that with Colton, 11. With Ethan I’m more of a guidance. With Colton I’m more of a disciplinarian. With both, I suck terribly because I’m a girl dad.

One thing I recall was that early on, Bristol (16), my bonus daughter, was struggling with self-worth. Neither her mom nor her dad did or said anything to cause that… but she felt it the same. She seemed to be unconsciously “wearing” the shame and guilt of the divorce. I gave her extra love. Extra attention. I flooded her with positive speak. I literally picked her up one day and said, “We’re going for a drive.” I proceeded to unleash things like, “You’re smart and beautiful and will accomplish some amazing things one day and I can’t wait to watch it! And if any boy doesn’t see how amazing you are, kick him to the curb quickly!” Eventually, that swagger came back and she was back to the same old super-confident Bristol. Those of you who know her laughed when you read that sentence. This young lady commands a room when she enters. Haha.

Keep in mind that Bristol and Ethan reminded me more than once that “you’re not my dad!” My daughters reminded me that Jennifer wasn’t their mom. And still, Jennifer washed their sheets, washed their clothes, shopped for make up with them, bought them groceries they would like. Jennifer consistently went way above and beyond for my daughters, understanding that they needed extra attention during this transition period.

Things to expect: They’re going to disapprove of anything resembling the new spouse. What we can’t do is get so frustrated with the process that we stop the consistency or give up altogether. They are going to be resistant to anything that shakes up what they have always known. But eventually…. Eventually they warm up, they begin to see love from all directions. I’ve heard the analogy of a crock pot. You take many ingredients and put them in the pot. It slowly warms up. The potatoes get softer quicker than the carrots. So now you have soft potatoes but very crunchy carrots. It just takes the carrots longer than the potatoes to warm up and get soft. But you don’t turn the pot off. You also don’t turn the heat up on the pot. You just let it be what it is. Eventually, everything in the pot is simmering well together and all ingredients are soft and now blend well together. Now my daughters are asking Jennifer to do their hair; help them with certain tasks they know Jennifer is good at accomplishing.

It never does get perfect, but it gets a lot better. But what about the difficulties that take place between spouses that are trying to now build a new life together? Glad you asked. That’s part 2.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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The Cover

“I thought you were a real jerk, a punk, a know-it-all who gets on my nerves!” Every single friend I had growing up eventually said that to me. Not kidding. Every. Single. One. This statement implicated quite a few things.

First, it implicated that I came across as all of those things. I didn’t give off an impression that I was a good guy. At all. It also implicated that I really wasn’t any of those things. It also implicates that we were close enough friends that they knew they could tell me that without me getting offended. So where was the problem? Why was this always the case? Was it something I was doing or saying or was it their quickness to prejudge? I later figured out that the answer to that last question was YES. It was a combination of both.

On one hand, I was not presenting myself in a good light. Apparently, dudes have RBF too. I carried myself in a way that was immature, irreverent, and sometimes mean. I didn’t appear to care about anyone other than myself. This was the first impression of everyone that met me. Hopefully, I’ve fixed that.

Example: There’s a book by author Anne Lamott called “Bird By Bird”. The cover has birds and eggs on it. So naturally, your first impression is this will be about birds. Maybe watching them, taking care of them, learning about the various species. That’s the first impression it gives off. It turns out that this book has absolutely no mention of birds in it at all. It’s an instructional guide to writing that lists the instructions piece by piece or “bird by bird”. Not exactly what you thought it was going to be about.

On the other hand, these friends of mine went with what they saw and heard before they ever even said a word to me. The ones that gave me a chance found that I wasn’t anything like what they thought. They would say things like, “You’re actually cool, funny and just normal.” Well anyone that knows me knows I’m anything but normal. But I’m of the belief that the only thing in life that’s normal is a cycle on a washing machine.

Example: I’m not a Trump apologist. I AM NOT. We all know he doesn’t have a very good “cover” on his book. But I was struck by a speech Steve Harvey gave in which he was pushed in to meeting with Trump as part of a request from the Obama transition team. So he went. Harvey told Trump all about how he didn’t vote for him. How he campaigned for Clinton. He said he’d been asked to help Trump, so he was there. Trump asked how he could help. Harvey said that Ben Carson was in charge of Urban Development and that schools were closing. Harvey could help revive cities and that those local leaders would listen to him and would get Carson in the door easier. Harvey asked for HUD money to open the schools for STEM, to also teach computers and coding in inner cities. What happened next changed everything Steve Harvey originally thought. While they were still sitting there, Trump said, “I like it! Let’s get Ben on the phone right now!” The next thing you know, they’re meeting to discuss launching this concept.

Following this meeting, Harvey received a flurry of comments laced in vitriol. He was called everything BUT Steve. The hate was spewed so hard and heavy that Harvey said that even he was surprised by it- implying that at age 60, he doesn’t get surprised much. When asked why he would agree to meet with Trump, he answered, “I had an obligation to take a seat at the table when invited.”

Harvey, when invited, felt two things. One, he felt it an honor to be in the White House in the best country on the planet, regardless of who was president. And two, he knew that if he was going to get the chance to speak to Trump, this was his chance to discuss with him what he thinks needs major improvement. In other words, he knew that if he never spoke with someone he disagrees with, nothing would ever get done. There’s a great deal of awesome sauce in this concept.

Now insert Rapinoe. Megan Rapinoe publicly stated that she would not visit the White House, if invited. My first thought was “how unpatriotic”. But my next thought was, “if she’s this passionate about certain societal issues, this would be her chance to voice them and see if there’s room for discussion.” But that would require listening to someone you don’t agree with and attempting to see their side. Something I’m not sure Rapinoe’s capable of, but I hope she is. Trump did just that for Harvey. Again, I’m not an apologist for Trump. But these are facts you can’t ignore. And those of you that consider Rapinoe to be mean and irreverent, that’s the cover… you don’t know the contents of the book. You may also be surprised by her if you were to get to know her.

Our society is so quick to judgment on almost everything. Who cares what the facts are?! Facebook said it, so it’s true! We all get caught up there. We should never judge a book by its cover, but we should all work on making our cover pleasant and accurate- depicting who we really are. And if we’ll be slow to view the cover and actually look inside the book, we just might be pleasantly surprised. But it will require us to be prepared to listen to someone that we don’t agree with. At least to hear them out. To find common ground. But if you never open the book… you’re left with only the cover. And here we sit: still thinking the book is about birds. Open the book. But first, open your mind.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Hit The Woah

When I was in high school, I never was deep in to current trends. But I remember them. Tight rolled jeans. MC Hammer pants. Carpenter jeans. White washed jeans. Sebagos. The running man dance. When I was even younger, it was neon fat-rat shoe laces. Michael Jackson jacket. Parachute pants. I’ve seen a great deal of trends come and go. Fashion trends. Dance trends. Food trends. Vocabulary trends. But lately, I’m seeing trends that I’ve never seen nor heard of before.

I expect that when someone is unhappy with a spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, they attempt to resolve the conflict by any means necessary. If it still cannot be resolved, they exit the relationship. That seems to be the way that is handled. Obviously, I think people bail way too quickly on relationships. They’re never easy. You’re taking two sets of opinions, habits, and desires and crashing them together and expecting everything to be rainbows and glitter farts. What could possibly go wrong with a head-on collision of opinions and ideas?

So then I ask, if you hate where you live, why don’t you leave that area? Let’s use an example. Joe is from Mt Juliet, TN. He has been born and raised there. Joe has risen to public prominence. He’s locally famous. He then begins to disagree with the way Mt. Juliet is handling their city finances, their city laws, and their public policy. After attempting to address these concerns, he realizes he is in the extreme minority on these issues. That the vast majority of the city loves the way it is being managed. The local high school football team happens to be very good. They love their city as well. So they put the city seal on their football cleats. By now, you know where I’m headed. Joe says that he is offended by the city seal of Mt. Juliet. The city that he was born in. The city that he was raised in. The city that afforded him to rise to the position of public prominence. And because he got upset at the city, he’s decided that the city offends him to the point of protest. Any symbol of it offends him. After winning a prestigious award, the Mayor of Mt. Juliet invites him to city hall to help celebrate his award . He declines in protest. But he doesn’t move. He continues to live there. That’s the part that baffles me. I’m thinking, find a city that does things the way you like and move there. Problem solved.

If I hated my country so bad that anything that resembled my country; the anthem, the flag, was so offensive, I think I would find a country I do like and move there. But that would make too much sense. We have to complicate it. Joe just stays in Mt. Juliet. Realizes his public prominence has run its course, so he stirs up controversy to keep himself in the spotlight. But this may not be the worst part.

The worst part is that this has become a trend. Instead of just fashion, dance, food, and slang words, we’re now inserting a trend of despising where you live, but not leaving. Add to that, this trend of athletes deciding not to go to the White House after being invited for accomplishing something great. Three things strike me about that. 1- Since when did it become cool to be rude? I’ll just have to not be cool. 2- I’m guessing these athletes think so highly of themselves that they think anyone cares whether or not they go to the White House. Like it’s some cool, public statement to disrespect the leader of the free world. Yay to you. We still don’t care. And 3- If the worst president of all time were to invite me to the White House, I would gladly accept. For a few reasons. Regardless of what I think about who is in presidency, the privilege I’ve had to grow up in this country makes me love and appreciate the country itself. It would be an honor, regardless of who is in that office. But why the allegiance to my country, or any area?

When football was started in America, It was a combination of rugby and “association football”; later shortened to “assoc”, then shortened to “soc”, then referred to as soccer. People in America loved both sports but wanted their own game. A game that represented what happened in the Revolutionary war. Their territory was to be defended, as it was against England. There was a pride in their geographical area. Thus began the game of football and the rivals between geographical areas. There was a sense of belonging. A sense of pride in your area. When I hear someone say Louisiana, Florida, Tennessee, Hermitage, Saints, Tigers, Titans, Gallatin, these are all words that represent an area to me. A territory I identify with. Unfortunately, those of you band wagon Patriots, Warriors, Yankees and Bama fans that aren’t from there and have never stepped foot in those areas before don’t have a clue as to what i’m talking about. But it’s real, there are actually people in this country that pull for the team that represents the area they are from, regardless if they’re any good. I know, weird.

When the attacks on 9/11/01 took place, all of the sudden, we were all Americans. When helping someone, no one stopped to make sure their politics lined up. No one stopped to ask if they were Christian, gay, republican, democrat, pro-life…nope! They just helped… because they were Americans! Yet now, we find ourselves witnessing trends where it’s not cool to be proud of where you’re from. It’s looked down on if you are patriotic. Maybe we should start some new trends.

How about we try this trend. How about it becomes trendy to secretly buy someone’s gas when you stop to get yours. How about if it becomes trendy to refuse to only listen to people who agree with you and pay close attention to those who have a conflicting opinion and explore the possibility that there are some valid points in there. What if we make it a trend to have coffee regularly with someone you don’t agree with. Maybe it can be a trend to search and find the GOOD in people, instead of the opposite.

The only way these actions become trendy is if we do them. “Faith by itself, if it does not have works (actions), is dead.” James 2:17. Can we agree to meet and talk with people who see life differently than us? Can we attempt to see the humanity in those who believe a different way works? I’m not saying we agree. I’m only say we listen with the goal of trying to see their point of view. For me, I’m trying to understand kids theses days. I don’t want to be so stuck in being right or proper that I fail to see life from their perspective. I won’t be doing the running man, or sporting a mullet, but I will see someone Hit The Woah and say “BET!”

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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My Truth

What does My Truth and the Easter Bunny have in common?

Welcome to the church of God of Christ of apostolic visionary missionary Lutheran Catholic Baptist with a side order of Pentecostal Holiness. How cool would that be if that were a place? We all come from different backgrounds. We all grow up hearing people teach us things about life. When we grow up, we learn that some of it was true and some of it wasn’t. There’s no question that we are all a walking expression of our personal conditioning. That’s important to know because not everyone likes grits on top of their eggs. But I do. They were fixed that way for me as early as I can remember. That’s true. Whether you choose to believe that or not is up to you, but it doesn’t change the fact that it is the truth. Albeit subjective truth, it’s still the truth.

Subjective truth is based on personal opinion or experience. I like Merle Haggard’s music. For me, that’s the truth. For my wife, that’s not true at all. That’s subjective truth. Objective truth is something that is true regardless of opinion. Merle Haggard is a Grammy award winning artist. That can’t be argued. The problem is we, in the church, have begun to blur those concepts. But I think I know why…

I can remember hearing the word “rapture” a lot. I remember wondering why we only sang the 1st, 2nd and 4th stanzas of “Just as I am”. That 3rd stanza was awfully lonely. I remember hearing it wasn’t acceptable to dance in God’s presence. I remember hearing that our loved ones became angels when they died and arrived in Heaven. I remember hearing that if you didn’t get baptized, you weren’t saved. I heard “once saved, always saved” and “get saved every week”. It took a while to unpack all of this, but I learned some things.

I never found the word “rapture” in the Bible. I learned that there’s nothing wrong with the 3rd stanza of hymns. I read where David danced before the Lord (2 Samuel 6:14). I read that angels were created before humans and we are given tasks that the angels aren’t allowed to do (1 Corinthians 6:2-3). Angels are purely servants and we have been given much authority. Our loved ones are simply having the best time at the most lit party creation has ever seen. Remember the man on the cross next to Jesus? He was invited to Paradise by Jesus Himself… but he didn’t get baptized. Salvation is based on one thing, to believe, understand and obey the one true God that He indeed sent Jesus as His son and became the eternal sacrifice for us. When truly understood, it leads us to a place of gratitude and service.

So where did all that nonsense come from? Not sure, but it simply doesn’t appear in the Bible. But these days, we have a new problem. In the past, people would claim things that weren’t anywhere in the Bible. But today, our new dilemma is there are things that ARE in the Bible that society is choosing to ignore. The problem with either is that it simply doesn’t line up with what God says and has clearly laid out. My Granny is not an angel. She’s hanging out with her friends and family and Jesus Himself. Also, it is a sin to live together prior to being in a marriage covenant. I didn’t write either of those, but they exist completely autonomous of my approval or acceptance. That’s the thing about truth, it doesn’t require your approval. It just exists. It’s like facts, they don’t care about your feelings. They just ARE.

A growing trend is people in the church saying, “I don’t feel like everything the Bible says lines up with My truth.” There are a few problems with that phrase. First, and I realize I say this a lot, but God doesn’t always care about how you feel when it comes to obedience. He never said, “Do what I say, unless you don’t feel like it… in that case, just do whatever you want.” Nope. That never happened. Remember, if you make a decision based on a feeling, when that feeling changes, the decision changes with it. We cannot base truth or reality on how we feel. Because one day we feel one way and the next moment we feel the exact opposite. The other problem with this phrase is “My Truth”.

The new “in-phrase” is “My truth”. This implies that it is an unarguable entity. Its implication is fact… except it’s not. The phrase “My truth” should be more correctly translated “My opinion” or “my experiences”. This phrase stems from that subjective truth and the belief that our feelings hold a higher value than facts. The feeling that a loving God could never send someone to hell. The feeling that a loving and forgiving God would accept everyone regardless of their actions against His word. He’s supposed to be a loving God. So if you live together before marriage, well, you’re loving each other so God will understand… except there’s one problem… that’s not at all what the Bible says. It’s also false that God “sends” anyone anywhere. He doesn’t. I didn’t write it. I just read it. And it is very easy to understand on this issue and many others that society is trying to make murky. Remember, confusion is always from the enemy; never from God. The phrase “My truth” is basically used to justify what you wished the Bible said… but doesn’t really. This is a growing cancer in the church… just ask Joel Osteen. He’ll be glad to tell you all kinds of cool stories that don’t line up with scripture.

The question of, “why would a loving God send anyone to hell” or “why doesn’t a forgiving God just let everyone into Heaven?” is another topic for another day. But there simply is NO SUCH THING as “My Truth”. It’s either THE truth or it’s NOT THE truth. The only way you will know what THE truth is, is to dig in to God’s word and find out for yourself. Don’t take my word for it. Don’t take anyone’s word for it. Read it. If you have questions about it, ask someone that you know will give you a real and true answer, regardless of how it will make you feel. Ask someone smarter than you. If you don’t know anyone smarter than you, then there’s another problem at hand. Haha.

Blurring the lines of subjective and objective truth is dangerous and irresponsible, at best. God was very clear that “all scripture is God-breathed and useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness” (2 Timothy 3:16). God’s word on marriage, sex, treatment of others, forgiveness, and many other topics is the objective truth. They stand strong outside of our opinion, approval, or acceptance. There’s nothing subjective about what God has instructed. So what does “My Truth” and the Easter Bunny have in common… you guessed it. They don’t exist.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Fight Like a Girl

 

 

 

 

1937

Amelia Earhart disappeared. But what happened before she disappeared is what is much more interesting to me. Her mother came from a very wealthy family and was accustomed to a certain lifestyle. Her father didn’t come from the same background. He struggled through their marriage to make enough money to afford his wife the things she was used to having. Seeing this, Amelia simply didn’t want to fully depend on a man financially and would rather control her own destiny. As a father of daughters, I simply see no problem with this.

Amelia set out to accomplish things that she wanted to accomplish, despite the constant verbal backlash she received for trying to do “Manly things”. At any point through her story, she could have stopped. She could have folded. She could have said, “maybe they’re right. Maybe I should just sit here and be their idea of a woman.” But she didn’t. She worked as a nurse’s aid and then a social worker and saved up enough of her own money to afford flying lessons, then her first plane, a yellow 2-seater she named “Canary”. She was verbally punched but she fought back.

1955

Rosa Parks is arrested. The whites-only section of the Montgomery bus had filled and the bus driver had ordered her to relinquish her seat to a white passenger. She refused. She could have just gotten up and did what everyone around her thought she should do. But she didn’t. She committed “civil disobedience” by sitting quietly in the seat that was originally vacant that she had occupied the entire ride up to that point. This led to the boycott of the Montgomery bus system which was the first campaign of action of the civil rights movement. As we know now, this led to many things that stirred the conversation up enough to make mass changes in our country’s laws, rights, and the way we all think as citizens. She was punched by society, but she punched back.

1986

My family moves to Nashville, TN from south Louisiana. After a few different jobs, my dad found himself working all hours just to make enough money to keep the lights on and food on the table. Eventually, the financial and emotional strain began to eat at their marriage. They discussed the inevitability of divorce. It just seemed to be the next natural step. But my mom wasn’t going to just sit there and let the enemy win. She has a lot of fight in her. So she brought it out and fought to save her marriage. To dad’s credit, he joined the fight. This October they will celebrate 46 years of marriage. She was punched by the new norm in society. But she punched back.

Men in today’s society are viewed as weak, useless, dumb characters that are here to make everyone laugh at how stupid they are. Almost every sit-com TV show depicts men in a useless manner. Nothing more than a laughable, mindless, irresponsible character that generally gets in the way. Men have given society many reasons to be viewed this way. A large number of men either abused their God-given authority in their marriage or was completely neglectful to their wives.

It seems like everyday I see men sitting in cars while their wives pump gas, load groceries, drive the family places. I know there are cases where the man is physically incapable for medical reasons. I get that. But that would be every so often. I see this all the time. They sit back and let their wives take on stressful and physical challenges that they should never have had to do. The women end up finding themselves in the role of mother and father.

2013

My children were forced to endure a divorce. Since then, they’ve never been the same. They don’t see life the same. They don’t see me the same. They don’t treat me the same. They view me, in regards to that subject, as a total failure. In that, they’re right. But God turns all sorrow to joy. He can’t if we don’t allow Him to. He’s a gentleman. I could have just let the situation define who I am. Who they are. I could have just sat back and let the new norm take over. But I didn’t. I took some notes from the women (and real men) in my life. I fought the norm. I chose to pursue my daughters stronger than ever before. Text them constantly. Spend as much time with them as I can. Life punched me in the face. I punched back.

I think we, as men, need to take notes from the women in our lives.

My current wife, Jennifer, went from “what do I do now, my marriage is over?” to running 3 businesses and raising 5 kids… successfully! She was punched by life. She fought back. And if that was the only uphill battle she’s fought in her life, that would definitely be enough. But it’s not. Not even the tip of the iceberg. She’s overcome many, many obstacles… one after another… most of those obstacles were things she never asked for. She KEPT getting punched… and each time, she kept fighting back.

Are there men getting it right? Of course there are. Most of the men I know are currently getting it right. Most of the men reading this are probably getting it right. So what about you? You’ve read all of this and know that this isn’t something you struggle with. Glad you asked.

To the man doing it right… I say, TEACH. Show your children how much you love them by treating your wife with the utmost respect, love and attention she deserves. Show your children that they’re THIRD in your life. Find a young man and show him that it is still cool to be a good guy. To not cheat on your wife. To lead the way when it’s time to go to church. Show a young man in your life that masculinity is not a bad thing as long as it is used correctly. Never to be used as a weapon but only as a servant and protection. Make her feel safe because of you.

This Father’s Day, I’m praying for the fathers that are way off and missing the mark. That they find someone to lean on. Very possibly the women in their lives. That they understand it’s not too late. Children NEVER stop loving their parents. I pray for the kids of these dads, that they see the intentional change and allow it to take place. Kids are more resilient than we’ll ever be.

Also on this Father’s Day, I’m celebrating fathers that are living in their God-designed role. The ones that are not giving in to the stereotype of dads in this generation. The ones that understand that children are THIRD in their lives, after God and their wife. The ones that understand you’re there to teach and launch, not to be their friend. The ones that see the benefit of their wife’s mind. Her intellect. Her passion. Her scrappiness. The ones that are slow to anger and quick to listen. The ones that serve first and eat last.

If, at the end of my life, I end up being half the father my dad was 10 years ago, I’ll consider myself a success. I’m certainly a very long way from that now. So I’ll keep on fighting. I’ll keep on getting back up after life punches me in the face. I’ll put my hands up and FIGHT LIKE A GIRL.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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The Generational War

Whether we realize it or not, we are in the middle of a generational war. In the late 60’s, the parents thought the world was caving in… coming to an end. The protests, the riots, the blatant disrespect for authority. Those parents were from the greatest generation of all time. They grew up in an era when technology and music were advancing at a rapid rate. We were at war and the “Jitterbug” and “Swing dancing” were springing up everywhere. So when the kids of the 60’s were singing about making love and not war, the previous generation just didn’t grasp it. War was a part of everyday life to them. But the youth of the day were tired of it. This dilemma is nothing new. But it still needs to be addressed.

A great portion of today’s youth have been told they are special for doing nothing at all. They were given trophies for losing. They would fail miserably at a task, sport, or competition and receive priceless accolades. Quickly they would not be subject to competitions at all. No one wins. Everyone participates and receives an award regardless of the level of performance. They have learned that work ethic is for “old people”. They weren’t really into work. Maybe they show up, maybe they don’t. They only chase things that “speak to them” or give them a greater internal purpose. They have developed a need for instant gratification. Technology has shown them that they don’t have to wait for anything. As a result, the things that actually take time, like love and relationships, suffer because if it doesn’t happen quickly, well then it must not be meant to be. As a result, kids are waiting later and later to marry and instead choosing to live together for longer periods of time to reduce the level of commitment. Most of them view older people as slow, in the way, refusing to adapt, not very smart, can’t relate to today’s kids. As a result, they’re incapable and simply refuse to benefit from anything an older person has to offer.

I’ve personally seen this a lot towards me. I’m only 43 but I’m in settings where there are much younger adults involved both in music and officiating sports. I’m often viewed as “the old guy” that has lost his touch and can’t provide any real insight to anything related to youth today. I’m viewed on stage as “in the way”, can’t play “today’s music”. Anyone that knows me knows that is the furthest from the truth. I can still play/sing, I can run up and down a court with the young guys but it takes someone who holds the key to their future to point it out. “You may want to listen to that guy. He’s been there-done that.” Only then do they listen. And when they do, they find that I’m not completely useless…haha.

The older generation of adults are no better. They’ve completely written off the younger generation as worthless. They refuse to even attempt to learn today’s vernacular, today’s technology, and today’s trends. They call all young people “millennials” and that immediately is a derogatory term. They refuse to open their minds. They refuse to see the good in youth. They also sometimes struggle to get beyond their jaded bitterness towards the life they ended up with and didn’t sign up for. As a result, they can’t stop griping long enough to enjoy what’s around them… youth! They view them as incapable of change even though most youthful people are evolving and changing every day. They have less patience for mistakes even though it’s a part of everyday life. They confuse inexperience with stupidity.

There simply has to be a TRUCE! A truce called by both sides. Young people, there is so much to learn from someone who has done “Life” longer than you have. Some things you can only learn through experience, something they have and you don’t.  There is so much to gain from people older than you. Slow down and pay attention to what they’re saying. They have been there. You lost a job? They lost several. You lost a child? They have too. Divorce? Been there. Drug abuse? They can walk you right through it. There’s a saying that kids don’t come with instruction manuals. But I beg to differ. The manual is called “experienced adults.” If you’ll tap into that manual, your guide to raising children will never let you down.

The older generation has to hold up the white flag as well. Young people are our future and, quite frankly, our today. Young people are trying. They are making mistakes but they’re supposed to. They’re using what they’ve seen work and not work and improving everything around them…even church. They’re more focused on changing the world for the better than maybe any generation in history. There was a study done recently that listed the top ten things teenagers in high school struggle with during high school as compared to the 1990’s. In the 90’s, the number one struggle was drugs and alcohol. Today, drugs and alcohol are 10th! Depression and anxiety are #1. The last thing you should do is write them off as useless. One key to depression is isolation. They shouldn’t be able to isolate themselves. If you let them, they will. Step in. See the good they provide. Make every attempt to understand where they’re coming from before passing judgment. Allow them to teach you about technology. It just might improve the quality of your life.

I believe this relates directly to churches. We have youthful churches and old people churches. There really shouldn’t be a distinction. They should be able to coexist. The young leaders should welcome and invite the older generation to be an integral part of what they do, if for no other reason than they bring wisdom to the table. Older leaders need to step back and allow youthful members to be involved. Their ideas need to be heard and seriously considered. If the church wants to be relevant again, it needs to embrace this concept: End the generational war. Enough division.

This will take intentional effort on both parts. I urge you, if you find yourself on either side of this issue, do what you can to bridge this gap. If you really want to make the world a better place, Close. This. Gap. Don’t wait for someone else to do it… YOU do it!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Church… I Don’t Want It (part 2)

I wouldn’t want it either in today’s climate. Truth is, I don’t want it, but I need it. Last Blog, we talked about the benefits of a church family. Here we will continue with the benefits and also explore why fewer people are a part of a church family. We’ll talk a little about why some say, “No… I just can’t stand them” or “I seem to never be fed there”?

There are still those that are reading this thinking there’s no way. Church is a joke. So why are so many people abandoning church? I think the answer is simple. We’ve turned it into “What can God do for me today?” It’s become a total “consumer’s gospel.” You don’t like the 1st three services we offer? Ok, we have 4 more today. Don’t like the coffee we offer? We’ll make a change.  Could you imagine what Jesus would have said to someone who wouldn’t follow Him because His schedule didn’t quite match up with theirs? “Look Mr. Carpenter, do you have a sermon on the Mount that will take place at 2:15-ish? That works best for my schedule.” Think about where the world would be if Peter decided that he got offended because Jesus said something he didn’t like. I mean really… Jesus looked at Peter and said, “Satan get behind me!” It’s not every day someone gets called Satan. Peter could’ve said “I’m going to the other church where they don’t offend me. They just let me be here and don’t challenge me like that!” The church and the world as we know it would be much different. Either we challenge ourselves to be better and be prepared for what that will take, or we just stay the same old jacked up mess we’ve always been and wonder why our relationships suffer.

Thank God for real men who could take tough words and stick with commitment and not run every time something got tough. We’ve made way too many efforts to make sure church is perfect for everyone. We’ve sold everyone on the idea that church is where you come to get stuff. This sounds like a good thing on the surface… but that’s just it… it’s on the surface. There’s zero depth. The biggest problem here is that we were born innate givers… not receivers. So receiving only lasts you so long. If you’re not giving, you’re not sustained. Like it or not, that’s the way God made us. Our innermost beings require depth and growth. Constantly getting and not giving stunts that growth. If you don’t believe me, start giving your child everything they want and not requiring them to give anything and see how that works. But where does the depth that we desire come from? I’m glad you asked.

You never really know what kind of relationship you really have with someone until it’s tested with real adversity. Real adversity in church is not having 8 services to choose from but having to be there when the pastor is there. Real adversity is not liking what the pastor says because you think he’s talking about you. Real adversity is not liking the people who sat in front of you this morning in service. Real adversity is being told something you don’t like because it will require you to stop being one way and begin to be better. It will require you to be a better husband, father, wife, mother, boss, student. But it’s uncomfortable. This is where it either gets really good, or it’s just another feel good place to move on from. It no longer “feels good”. We must make our decision on where to attend church solely based on our belief that this is where God has us, not how we feel about it. Because how we feel about it will change but God’s word never does.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t get me started on worship teams. We’ve turned that in to “Look at me!” Many worship leaders don’t sing songs to worship, they sing to show you how good they are. I don’t care. No one else does either. We’ve turned it into a rock concert that everyone can hide behind. We stopped singing TO God and started singing ABOUT God.

When I was playing clubs, I had a large “Dude” following. These guys would show up week after week. Among those that showed up every week were Eric Church and his (late) brother. They would come and request that I do something where I could “go off” and do those “vocal gymnastics”. So I did. It was a show. When I led worship, I was more than capable of doing those same vocal moves… but I didn’t. Because it wasn’t about me. No one cared how good I was. They cared how good GOD was. I kept the melody line simple in church. I also refused to put God in a timed box. The job of the worship team is to LEAD the people in to the presence of God. Not to show everyone how stupid American Idol was for passing on you. The sooner we get back to actually  worshiping the one true God, the sooner we can stop worrying about whether or not we can keep up with your “one word over 27 notes” routine. God hears your heart, not your Whitney/Stevie impression.

The moment that we shut down the consumer gospel and offer real truth… the kind of truth that is uncomfortable… the kind of truth that challenges you to be better than you are, that’s when we will begin to see people return to the place where they can actually grow. Until then, it’s only a business that produces results for bonuses and can only harvest, but never grow.

In summary, there is family, fun, encouragement, challenging, teaching, community, growing, giving, receiving and much more in a church family. It’s much like anything else- what you put in to it is what you get out of it. Will you still get into heaven? Sure. But you won’t experience all God has to offer here. Will your phone make calls? Sure. But you won’t experience all your phone has to offer. Jesus said to the man on the cross next to him, “Today you will be with me in Paradise.” He went to heaven without ever attending a church service, but he never got to experience life to its fullest. He died shortly after that statement. Get plugged in. Serve. Are you going to like everything the pastor says? Nope. Are you going to like everyone there? I can guarantee you that’s a “nope”. But that doesn’t mean you run. You should commit to family. Family disagrees sometimes, but they work it out. I didn’t choose to have the three younger brothers that I have. I also didn’t choose to have the brothers and sisters in Christ that I have. God chose all of my family for me. Remember, there was ONLY ONE perfect human being to ever live… and He’s not pastoring nor attending any church, anywhere (physically).

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Church… I Don’t Need It (part 1)

True- I don’t need it to go to Heaven.

The age old question: Do I have to go to church to be a Christian? The answer is painfully obvious, according to the Bible.

The Bible was specific in many places on this subject. The most popular verse is John 3:16 where He basically said he who believes in Jesus will have eternal life. Believing He is who He says He is seems to be the key here. One thing to note about this verse, the original word used here for “believe” actually means to make mental acknowledgment AND obey. There’s that ugly word again. So it’s not enough to say, “Sure, I think He existed.” That’s not at all what it means. There is a transformation that happens in this verse. He (or she) believes Jesus is who He said He is and chooses to surrender his (or her) own life to follow this man in an act of obedience to a Father that is kind, loving and merciful. That’s what it actually means. So believing and obeying Jesus is the ticket to heaven. Is that all there is? If that’s all there is, why wouldn’t preachers or everyone carry a Bible and a gun everywhere they go? “There you go. You have fire insurance. Now end it because the rest of this sucks!” They don’t because there’s more.

French Lick, Indiana. A Young man sets out to be a great basketball player. But great basketball players don’t come from French Lick, Indiana. Great basketball players are super athletic, can run fast, jump high and naturally skillful. This young man, at first, was none of those. So he just sat by and watched as everyone else did what he wanted to do…. No… no he didn’t. He worked. He worked hard. He quickly became one of the greatest pure shooters in the history of the sport. But to make it in the NBA, you have to be more than a shooter. A lot of people can shoot. He worked to be a great passer, a great ball handler, could drive to the basket, and also developed a knack for tough defense. He made sure he got the most out of his talent. It had to be developed. It didn’t just arrive. Larry Joe Bird is a legend as a result.

How many of you use your phones…for ONLY a phone? Did you know how to use everything on it the very first time you picked it up? No. You learned how to use it. Somewhere along the way someone showed you some tips and tricks about your phone and what all it can accomplish. Next thing you know, you’re using your phone to grow business, for a calendar, computer, calculator, camera and more things that start with “C”, I’m sure. You learned how to get the most out of your phone so you could enjoy it to its fullest.

Insert the church. It’s a place to learn how to get the most out of THIS life. It’s a place to be together with other people who share similar desires. To build commitment, routine. A place to establish good habits for children. A place where you become family with people you don’t even know that well. When you’re sick, bed ridden, lost a loved one… they show up with food… just because. The people inside the church take care of each other. They also reach out… together. Men help boys become men. Women help girls become ladies. When someone falls in their walk, they don’t judge each other, they embrace each other. But who are these people? Who attends church? Let me tell you a little about them.

The people who attend church are wealthy, broke, healthy, sick, tall, short, skinny, fat, brilliant, young, old, funny, weird… you there yet? Every different type of person goes to church. There are 3 things they ALL have in common? 1- They’re imperfect. 2- They’re trying to improve on that imperfection 3- a common belief in Jesus. Yes, I’m aware the church has hypocrites. So do businesses, schools, and sports teams. Anytime you have people, you have problems. The church is no different. It’s a spiritual hospital. It’s full of people. Real people with real problems. If you’re looking for the perfect church…. If you’re looking for the perfect pastor… if you’re looking for perfect people that go to church… you WILL be looking for a long, long time. I have my own theory about hypocrites.

In my own, no-name opinion, I believe the hypocrites are the people talking about how awful someone is that goes to church but not showing up to show them how it’s done. If you are the one talking about how bad it is that Jim’s wife is an alcoholic but calls herself a Christian, then show up to church and show Jim and his wife how it is supposed to be done. Maybe reach out to Jim and his wife to offer help in some way. But sitting around calling them a hypocrite only makes YOU the hypocrite. (Steps off soapbox)

Maybe you’ve been burned by these “so-called” churches. I’m sorry that happened. You’ve been let down. If you were a server at a restaurant, chances are you hate those “church people”. They don’t tip well and are very demanding. The only thing I can say to that is this: not everyone in church is like that. Some tip well and are very gracious. Not everyone is like the people you can’t stand that have invited you to church. There are churches on every corner of every town. My encouragement to you is to find one where you can be challenged, where you can become family. Don’t let these idiots who yell because their steak isn’t as cooked as they want it and leave you a tip on a napkin that says “John 3:16 there’s your tip” (Yes, unfortunately this happens) stop you from getting the most out of life. If you only use your phone to make calls, then never mind. But if you use your phone to do many different tasks, you wouldn’t let one bad customer service experience with a cell phone company stop you from experiencing all your phone has to offer. Don’t let some bad apples stop you from sitting at the table and feasting on all God has to offer.

It’s also not all about what you can get. Sometimes you have something that someone needs that day. The right word of encouragement. A Sunday school teacher led D.L. Moody to follow Jesus. Eventually this led to a tent meeting by Mordecai Ham in which 2 boys walked in with a mocking attitude towards the event. Just killing time. But there weren’t any seats. As they were turning to leave, an usher put his arms around them and said, “Let’s find you a seat.” One usher…after one Sunday school teacher. One of the boys was Billy Graham. Sometimes it’s you that needs to be there so that someone else may benefit from what you have. I’ve seen times where someone relatively new to a church quickly finds themselves helping someone through addiction because they themselves suffered and are now recovering. That family needed this guy. He didn’t realize he would be the one helping. He thought he was going to get helped. Jesus said “The Son of man did not come to be served, but to serve…”

You don’t need church to get to heaven… but you do need church to get the most out of THIS life. Oh I’m not done… just getting started. Hang on for more. Part 2 will involve issues in the church and why fewer people attend.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Turn “Have To” into “Get To”

There were a lot of words we simply weren’t allowed to say when I was a kid. You know the ones… chances are they are the same ones you weren’t allowed to say. Over time they eased up on certain words- crap, dang it, the usual “replacement” words. One word we were always allowed to say but never wanted to was “Obey”. Let’s face it, it’s just not fun. It’s not cool. It’s definitely not sexy.

But only as I got older did I see a pattern connected to obedience. Every. Single. Time… it was followed by a blessing. There was never a moment this didn’t occur. Sometimes you had to look for the blessing. It wasn’t always something huge or significant. But there was always something that could easily be viewed as a blessing on the other side of obedience.

Such was the case recently at home. I have a couple of young men in my home and one tested this with great force. He was met with greater force. I’m certainly not one to back down from confrontation. The short version of the story goes like this: When I married my wife, I put a few rules in place for the children that were designed to teach and protect. Sometimes, as we all know, kids need to be protected from themselves. Their maturity, and sometimes lack thereof, isn’t always able to withstand the things they are faced with. One particular rule was forgotten and subsequently broken. Here comes the “force” part- to which I had to issue an apology for later. Once we were composed, I reminded him of the rule that he forgot. He replied that he hated the stupid rule but that he would follow it. My wife’s statement to me at the time was, “what do you think about that?!” My reply was, “I think it’s great!” My immediate impression was that it was great that he would follow it, regardless if he liked or not because it reminded me of someone. Someone I knew very well. No, not me.

Not once, not twice, (yes, I love Lionel Richie too) but THREE TIMES Jesus told God he didn’t want to go through with the execution. He asked His Father… in today’s vernacular, “If you have a different plan, let’s do that! I have a couple of ideas… you want to hear them? No? umm… ok. Whatever you want.” Jesus simply DID NOT like his Dad’s idea. God didn’t ask Him to like it though. He just asked Him to obey it. There’s that awful word again. As we now know, Jesus went ahead and obeyed. The rest changed history, our calendar and our lives.

Following my instruction to obey the rule and following his disapproval, I checked in with him to see how things were going. He stated to me that the coolest thing happened. He was asked to do some labor work for a relative in exchange for money. He showed up, fulfilled his commitment to do the work asked. But when he showed up, the relative said that he no longer needed him. The cool part was that he paid him anyway. He said “it’s not a big thing, but it’s pretty cool.” I told him that it actually is a big thing because this means God is still batting 1000. A blessing followed obedience.

The key here is that Father knows best. He protects us from ourselves. He asks us for obedience. What happens often is we find ourselves not wanting to, so we simply don’t. Thinking that it’s either all or none. Either I like it and do it or I don’t like it and don’t do it. God is perfectly fine with you not liking it… as long as you obey it. We, as parents, also have to be that way. We have to be ok with them not liking our rules and demands. They are individuals. They have their own desires. All of this is ok as long as they still obey. Eventually, their desires become much more aligned with your desires and also God’s desires. This takes time, repetition, and consistency. But in time, the “have to” leads to “get to” and it all starts with obedience.

One example of this is when we first decide to give our lives to God. We don’t really know what to do. So someone says, read this and show up here and we’ll talk about it. It’s pretty uncomfortable. You don’t really know that many people, if anyone. Eventually, doing what you are instructed becomes something you do on your own because you now have a relationship. Your “have to” became a “get to”.

Another example of this is before Jennifer and I were married, she made a decision to change churches. She felt strongly that God was leading her out of one and to another. Her children didn’t like this at all. They went kicking and screaming… but they went. Eventually they were craving Sundays… at this new church. The “have to” became “get to”… oh and they were blessed because of it. Big G still hitting home runs.

This is tough for both kids and adults. Wives, God has given you specific guidelines of obedience regarding your husbands. Husbands, God has given you specific guidelines regarding your wives. Parents, we’ve been given instruction that requires obedience regarding our children. And not that much of it is fun. But it’s necessary to stay in God’s order.

I get it. It’s no fun. But try it and then look to see what God does. We do have to be careful though. We don’t want to get in to a position where we are doing something for our Creator in order to get something in return. At the same time, He does always reward obedience. If you throw a ball in the air, it’s going to come down. If you obey God, you WILL be blessed.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger