Posted on

Hope in the Tunnel- Part 1: My Story

I’m in a tunnel… and I don’t see an end to the tunnel. It’s so dark that I can’t see my hand in front of my face. Can’t see directions. Can’t tell if life is going on around me. Or if I’m just stuck in some chasm of hopelessness.

That pretty much summed where I was a few years back. But the story didn’t end there. While I was in the tunnel, a few things happened. First, I prayed the same prayer every single night for at least a year. “Lord, please take me in my sleep. I don’t want to wake up.” I really prayed this. Over and over. And began to get mad at God that He wasn’t listening. I was already mad at God for what had happened to get me here. More about that in a moment.

Though I couldn’t see around me, those around me knew I was there. They decided to guide me from place to place in this tunnel. I still couldn’t see but I could hear them. “No, don’t walk that way, walk this way.” Over time, I began to rely on those voices. I began to enjoy those voices. I began to believe those voices were around me for a reason. So little by little, God used those people to guide me further and further until I began to see a light. It was very dim, but it was there. And the more I headed in a forward direction, the brighter the light became. Until eventually, I was out of the tunnel.

How did I get there? In 2011, I got the call that I had received many times before, but this time it was crippling… it was final. Warner Brothers had officially passed on me and my band after we had verbally discussed and agreed on terms. Something happened within the label that made them bail on me at the last second and refused to sign any new acts for a while. The problem was, I was 36 years old. No one is looking for the next big 36 year old. I knew right then I had to hang it up. Grow up and get a real job.

Why was I so angry? Because I wasn’t trying to get a record deal to get famous or rich. I was doing exactly what I truly believed God had called me to. My talents, my desires, my surroundings. I received confirmation from many Godly people, including 3 pastors, that I was called to be light in a dark place. And that country music was to be my outlet. I’d given all of my “college” years, my “working up the corporate ladder” years, my “building my business” years… doing music. Now I was 15 years behind everyone my age in every aspect of life… all for doing what I thought God wanted! So after 15 years of sacrifice and heartache and disappointment, to have nothing to show for it was more than devastating. I felt like I was having a funeral. Like I was burying someone close to me. What happened next was worse.

I became very numb. Very cynical. Very bitter. And worse, very apathetic. Nothing phased me. I was grieving. I poured myself into officiating basketball. Anything to get away from my constant reminder that I was a total failure. But if that wasn’t bad enough, this funk I’d found myself in, greatly contributed to the end of a 14 year marriage. Which resulted in once seeing my daughters every day, to seeing them every other weekend. Well now I’ve done it… I’ve gone and made sure I’m a TOTAL failure. This is where I fully enter the tunnel.

So how did I get out? Jesus… in friends. A certain group of friends took me in and welcomed me in their “clique”. That was the beginning. A couple of old friends came in to my rescue as well. These people wouldn’t let me stay in the tunnel. They wouldn’t settle for “I’m tired, I think I’ll stay home.” They pulled and tugged until I was hanging out and laughing with them. In the midst of all of this, I found myself helping these people. I found myself helping other people with these people. I found myself less worried about my problems and more concerned about… OTHERS.

What I’ve learned about this topic is… the way out of this tunnel had a few characteristics.

*People. Jesus didn’t send a fancy angel flying down from the clouds. He sent people. People that didn’t even know they were being sent.

*Serving. Getting out of my own way and helping others.

*Lack of judging. No one cared that I wasn’t as successful as most people my age. No one shunned me, kept me out. It was open arms. And I had to be ok with them knowing everything wasn’t ok. And hoping they didn’t judge me, which they didn’t.

*Decisions. I had to consciously choose to make better decisions going forward. Starting with owning my contribution to my divorce. What can I do better? What can I learn from?

*Renewed love for God and His people. I still don’t have a clear answer as to why I believed for so long that God wanted me to do something, only to find out I was wrong the entire 15 years. Why God didn’t stop me at some point and say, “Hey, this isn’t going to work. Go do something else.” But because of how I was taught and how I believe, I remembered that God never changes. He’s still God. And while I still don’t know why my life went the way it did, it doesn’t change who He is and what He wants for us and from us. That’s the short version of my story.

I learned some valuable lessons about that tunnel. I’ve been hearing many people talk about their tunnel. I’ll address that in the next part.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

Posted on

To Family or Not To Family… Part 2- The Pastor

Remember that school teacher you had that was one of your favorite teachers? Remember hearing that they either retired or passed away and how you felt? Sure, we all do. That person dedicated their entire life to help kids advance in life. If I asked for each of you to send me the name of that teacher, this would go on forever. The numbers are high! These days, there are more and more stories of teachers having sexual encounters with their students. Would it be fair to lump all those great teachers we just talked about in the same group with these knuckleheads that didn’t do their job correctly? Of course not. But for some reason, we do it to pastors.

We have all heard news of a pastor mishandling funds, having affairs with secretaries, abusing staff members, and other atrocities. And those victims are just that, victims. Those things should have never happened. God called those men to a high calling and everyday temptation got the best of them. And on behalf of Christians that are not that way, we’re truly sorry. These individuals don’t represent the true heart of God’s goodness. So what about those doing it right? Is it fair to lump those guys in with the entire group of church pastors in America?

In 2017, I saw a report where there were 12 cases where a teacher had a sexual relationship with a student. And that’s 12 too many. Now think about how many teachers there are in America… yep, around 3.6 Million! One doesn’t represent the other. Also in 2017, there were 10 “notable” preacher scandals. Maybe another 4 or 5 that they don’t consider notable. In 2017, there were approximately 400,000 head pastors in America. Again, one DOES NOT represent the other. You simply cannot, in good conscience, blame the 399,985 pastors who are doing it right because 15 decided they couldn’t handle the pressure of being a pastor. There’s nothing right about that.

By pressure, I mean intense scrutiny. I know of a pastor that has all glass walls in the church office. This guy understood that he’s a target. Pastors are unnecessarily targeted and scrutinized almost like a political figure. They are held, by society, to a perfect standard that no one can achieve. They’re human. But they’re not allowed to be.

They have a job. That job really isn’t to make you feel good. It’s to deliver truth. Usually, in delivering truth, it does make you feel good. Because you learn the truth that you serve a God who will never leave you, forsake you and cared enough for you that he was ok with His only son being murdered to take on and wear every single thing you and I do wrong. That selflessness alone, makes us grateful and feel better about our future.  Another truth is that we’ve all fallen short of God’s standard. Our righteousness is like filthy rags. The truth is some of us spend more time with our phones than our kids. The truth is God said we’re robbing Him by not paying tithes. Truth doesn’t always feel good.

The problem is some pastors have lost sight of that truth. They just gloss over truth so that they don’t offend. After all, it would hurt their income. And somewhere in there, they forget that God is their provider, not church members.

(click on the picture to visit the church website)

But for the ones that are delivering truth, the only way they can is if they are willing to possibly offend you. They have to know that they are just delivering what God already said and in doing so, the Holy Spirit may offend or convict you in the process. But you have to be prepared for WHEN, not if, that happens. It’s only a matter of time. Pastor Kody Woodard, of Renovation Church says, “God sees you where you are, saves you where you are, but loves you too much to leave you where you are.”

Bank on it, the pastor is going to say something you don’t like, and most of the time, he’s right. But at times, he’s dead wrong. Sometimes, he makes mistakes. We have to allow him to make mistakes. We have to allow him to be human. We have to give grace where we’ve received grace. The calling of a pastor doesn’t mean he just instantly got a “Perfection Upgrade”. He’s still a work in progress. But he has been given a job, a calling, a duty that you don’t want.

Are you ready to get phone calls at 1am that someone is very ill or had an accident and they want their pastor there? Are you cut out to conduct a funeral with a casket that is about 2 feet long? Are you ready to be constantly ridiculed for every move and every word that comes out of your mouth? Are you prepared to be the target of every attack from our society? Are you prepared to lose friends over what you know is right?  Be ready to have your motives questioned every time you make a decision. Get ready for people in your congregation to verbally assault you over speaking on a certain subject or a certain scripture because it was too “convicting”. What… you don’t want that job? Well that’s the job your pastor signed up for and knew that’s what he was getting into… and he did it anyway. Because he loves God and God’s people more than himself! No, I don’t understand it either, but the next time you are quick to attack a pastor, look at his heart before you jump to conclusions. Chances are, he’s really trying his best. Remember, there’s ONLY ONE perfect person to ever live… and he’s not pastoring any church.

I know that growing up, my dad said many things that I didn’t like. He often made decisions that were right- though I didn’t know it at the time. He, sometimes, made decisions that were wrong. But at the end of the day, me and my brothers knew we were loved, protected and cared for. Even when we were mad. Because that’s what family does. They butt heads – then forgive each other. If you want church to be a family, be ready for what family really is. The benefits are immeasurable. So, to family or not to family… it’s up to you.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

Posted on

To Family or Not To Family… Part 1- The Church

Remember those pesky brothers and sisters you had growing up? Remember when they did things that got on your nerves? Remember when your parents said something that made you so angry you could bite a nail in half? Now… remember when you got to leave all of that and get new brothers, new sisters, and new parents? Yeah… me neither.

“Dad, I unfriend you!” … “That’s not how this works. That’s not how ANY of this works!”

We all remember the first few things I mentioned. The times when we hated our siblings. When they purposely got on our nerves when we had friends over. When they had to stick their nose in everything you were doing. But we also remember the times when someone else was mean to them. My little brother Adam could tell you stories of how we fought but can also tell you the time a kid older than me punched him in the face. And what happened to said kid’s face (I’m not condoning violence).  I’m just saying that we say we don’t like them, then when they’re under attack we immediately go to their defense. How in the world can this happen?

As much as I’ve studied this topic, I still don’t truly understand it. What I do know is this: God designed it this way. It’s a natural reaction to take care of those close to us, whether we like them or not. It is innate.

Here’s where this conversation gets tough. The church. Oh boy, I said it. Just hear me out. We want to call the church a “family”, but in reality, we don’t really view it as family at all. We view it as a bunch of things, but family isn’t one of them- when really, family should be the primary one.

We view church as a social event. “take a pic for Instagram honey so people see how cool we are!” We view it as a place to GET something. A place to meet people. Nothing wrong with meeting people and getting things needed while at church. But when we really view it as family, church hopping will slow down to a crawl. As of now, it’s a super highway moving at Autobahn speeds. Don’t like what the pastor said about seeking God daily? We just leave. Go somewhere else. Don’t like the guy next to you because he wore a Bama jersey to church? We leave. While these seem like extreme examples, and they may be, they’re really not that far off.

As with any relationship, you don’t really know what kind of relationship you have or how strong it is until you are faced with real adversity. That’s when you get to see where your relationship really is. In a family, when your “dad” says something you don’t like, you learn to deal with it because eventually, you get to a place where you know he loves you and wants the best for you. When your brother gets on your nerves, you just go to a different room of the same house. Oh but church, no… you find a completely different house. You go to the next church with some delusional belief that your jacked up problems somehow won’t find you at the next place. News flash…They do!

Imagine, if you will, a place where you hear the Pastor say something you don’t like and just chew on it and ask God what it is that’s bothering you. Only to find out that it’s something YOU need to change and not the pastor or the church. Imagine a place where you don’t have to be everyone’s best friend but when someone attacks your brother, the one that gets on your nerves, you are quick to defend and can’t really explain why. Imagine a place where things aren’t always perfect and squeaky clean. We’re all kind of weird. We all have issues and problems. But we have these issues together. We walk through them together. We don’t bail out when the Pastor says something we don’t like or agree with. A place where you realize that he’s human. Just like your imperfect dad or mom you had growing up. Imperfect but doing their best.

Now imagine a God, a COVENANT God, getting the opportunity to shower you with rewards, gifts, blessings because you stuck through the hard times to get to the good times. Your obedience to His direction in your life leads to blessings that you can’t measure.

The same goes for the people in the church. Those people that are called hypocrites because they are church goers but also… wait for it… make mistakes. Well that just can’t happen. You go to church. You’re not allowed to make mistakes! It. Is. Family. We all make mistakes. We all say and do things someone else doesn’t like. But at the end of the day, we’re still family.

Church faces is an epidemic that usually doesn’t exist in a real family. We put on these Instagram faces like everything is ok and refuse to let anyone think we don’t have it all together. Afraid of what they may think and afraid of being judged. You get NOWHERE with church faces. The junk is still there. We’re just pretending it’s not. We MUST take those off. We have to be vulnerable. You CANNOT love until you’re vulnerable enough to be hurt. Family doesn’t keep church faces on. Family doesn’t think less of someone going through something tough because they remember going through something tough as well. Family also does so much more.

Family cooks meals for mothers who just gave birth. Or for people who were injured in accidents. Family rallies together to take care of another family member’s yard. Family holds you when your child is in the hospital after overdosing on drugs. Family doesn’t leave your side when you get sick, they run to your side. And it’s important to note that sometimes, you are on the receiving end. But more often, you are on the GIVING end. But if you’re not there, someone missed out on a blessing you had to give. You are needed by your family.

So the next time you and your spouse are pulling out of the church parking lot and they say, “I don’t think I liked church today”, back up, remember you are family and seek God before you just hop on the next family train. Real family doesn’t bail in time of need. Real family sticks it out even when it’s uncomfortable.

Part of family is a “Father” that is leading the family. We dive head first in to that in part 2 of this blog.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

Posted on

Is It Live or Is It Memorex?

During the late 70’s and early 80’s, there was a commercial campaign for a video tape that was so clear, you couldn’t tell the difference. During that time, this was revolutionary. For the first time, a recording didn’t have all kinds of visual blemishes.

In 2019, this is definitely not an issue. But what is an issue is what we are being told is real. We’re being told that our society is going down the drain. That our future is in the hands of people that eat tide pods. That everyone believes there are 497 genders… except you. That all white people are racists. All black people cause problems. All cops are crooked. All pastors want their secretaries more than their wives. All teachers sleep with their students. All music stars are jerks. All men talk down to women. Here’s the reality… that’s not even close to the truth. Not even in the zip code.

As I live my life with the people I do life with, I find a few things. First, they are various races, one of two genders, different ages, and don’t eat tide pods. In general, they’re good people. You, those that are reading this, are good people. I encounter cops that are changing tires on the side of the road. Pastors that show up to a hospital at 2am to be there as comfort for the family. Teachers that buy supplies for children that can’t afford them- when they, themselves, don’t make much money at all. Music stars being extremely generous. Men that open doors for women and protect them on a daily basis. Dads that go out of their way to be good dads in the face of a fatherless society. That’s what I see!

So why do we hear so much about the extreme minority? Well, you already know the answer. Media. It’s their job to present news that isn’t everyday, ordinary news. So the mass majority of the country that believes there are two genders, just isn’t news. We all know that actual, literal journalism is almost completely dead in our country. Everything has an angle. The money that supports these media outlets have agendas, opinions that they want to pass off as facts.

One of the reasons this is possible is because of our need for drama. If I post a positive story on a “Hip” page on FB, I’ll get 10 likes. If say something negative, controversial, trolling,  I’ll get 10,000 likes. It’s just where we are. We are all drawn to problem solving. So here’s some REAL news for you. Just in recent past, the following happened:

*My 17 yr old daughter, who never wanted to be at my house, said she wasn’t ever comfortable there until recently. She asked if she could spend the night. That is a YUGE development. She is now extremely comfortable here. I had missed my daughter and was hurting because of the proverbial distance. This small thing felt amazing. It renewed my faith in my parenting. I really wasn’t sure if what I was doing was right. Apparently it worked.

*My 18 yr old bonus son called me to make sure I hadn’t left to take care of something for him. Then told me he was headed home to take care of it himself. Again, doesn’t sound like a big deal, but thinking of others first hasn’t been his strong suit. This was a very good, grown up move for him. I can’t take any credit for that. I didn’t raise him. His mother and father can look at this and say, “It paid off”.

*Same 17 yr old daughter and bonus 16 yr old daughter attend a Shawn Mendes concert. They get to their nose-bleed seats. My 17 yr old says “I’m afraid of heights.” A gentleman says, “I tell you what, here are two tickets for front row. I work with Shawn and my job is to find good people like you who were headed to the back row to be in the front row.” Shawn Mendes will never get public credit for that. It won’t be in the news because it’s GOOD news. I don’t know him personally, but the fact is, that’s very generous and kind.

*I saw a police officer pull over in the rain, get out and change a tire of a mother’s car with her kids inside.

*I saw a woman pay for the coffee of a woman behind her.

*I saw someone pay for the fast food of the car behind them in the drive-thru.

*Also saw someone pay for a stranger’s gas.

*I paid for a meal at a restaurant for a dad that made me smile. A young man with a wife, daughter and a newborn. This very young man chose to take his proper role as father and husband. I left him a message, “we need more dads like you in this world.”

*After some storms in our neighborhood, our neighbor came over at 10pm, in the rain and cut some trees that had fallen in our driveway so our driveway wouldn’t be blocked the next morning.

*Two young black men, maybe teens, saw an elderly white woman struggling to get across the street, so they stopped traffic and helped.

*In the recent hurricanes that wreaked havoc on Panama City, FL, my grandmother was one of the more notable victims. The community came together, particularly the young people, and repaired her home and yard. It made the news in PC, FL (Click on “Panama City” to see the story).

THIS! … This is what our society REALLY is. This is what the majority of the people in our country are like. This is what our future really looks like. This is what young people are really like. Not the loud, whiny, extreme minority that just keeps shouting until someone gives them a pacifier. Not what you see on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter. Not what the so-called news outlets report. Yes,  there are exceptions. But those exceptions don’t represent the majority. Our country, our society is made up of MOSTLY people that are kind, generous, sweet, funny, and overall good people. Don’t be overwhelmed by the extreme news. Most of those stories are isolated incidents. We’re going to leave a pretty good country to our children and Keith Richards.

Craig Groeschel once said, “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.”  Fix what you have to fix. Stop wasting energy on the negative information and negative people in your life. Make your life look like those stories above. Sometimes we look at the fabricated as if it’s the genuine. We get stuck staring at the “Memorex”- the image that isn’t what’s really going on. Stick to the “Live”- the image of what is really happening around you. If your world doesn’t look like this, change the direction. The first thing you can do is start every single day with GRATITUDE. From there, you’ll see an immediate difference. So when you look at your life, is it Live… or is it Memorex?

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

Posted on

The Blended Bunch (part 2)

So we covered the array of emotions and difficulties children go through when attempting to blend a family. But what about the spouses? They’re trying to build a new life together. They’re still figuring out whether they can deal with the fact that he squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube instead of the end. She pulls the toilet paper from the back. He sleeps with the fan on. She likes the TV on when she sleeps. Adults have enough on their plate before we even get in to the conversation of children.

To fully understand the biblical priorities, please refer to an earlier blog I wrote called “Relationship Priorities”. It covers the 5 relationships we have and the order in which they are to be prioritized. In that, you’ll find spouses 2nd and children 3rd. In blended families, they have to be navigated very carefully. There are two different scenarios to think about: before you marry someone with kids and after you have married someone with kids.

BEFORE: I know that in my experience, one of the things that was going to determine whether I could marry Jennifer or not was her kids. If I didn’t like her kids, I wasn’t going to like her. It turns out that she has great kids. They are all smart and have great potential to change this world one heart at a time. They all have big hearts. This is important. If you want someone so bad that you’re willing to put up with kids you can’t stand, you may need to reevaluate your reasons for wanting that person. I can promise you that if it’s for money or any other tangible asset, it’s just not worth the financial gain. You will continue to be miserable on the inside. This wealthy man/woman can’t fix that. Promise.

Another thing I’ve found is that if you aren’t ok with being single, you won’t be ok with being married. Singleness is vital to a healthy marriage. As I’m typing this, my wife is on her way to hang out with girlfriends. An insecure, overly co-dependent man would attempt to forbid this. I’m encouraging it for a few reasons. One, I want the same encouragement when I hang with my guys. Two, it’s the right thing to do. Three, away time is a good thing. You read that right. A GOOD thing.

This conversation was something Jennifer and I understood well before we decided to marry or even date. She loved my daughters. I loved her kids. I haven’t always been crazy about her kids. She hasn’t always been crazy about my girls. But at the core, they’re good kids and we are a family. Albeit a jacked up, crazy, loud, diverse family… we’re still a family. But if I didn’t love her kids and she didn’t love my daughters, we wouldn’t have lasted a year. Maybe not even that long.

AFTER: So there you are, in a new relationship where you love the other person but aren’t really sure about their kid(s)… You’ll want to figure that out before you go another step. First, check your heart. Decide what it is about their kids you don’t like. Then decide if it’s something you can work through and/or get over, even if they don’t change. But if you decide to despise their kids the entire time you’re married, one of two things will happen. Either your marriage will greatly suffer and eventually end from the negative rhetoric or you will find that eventually their children want nothing to do with them. Both are vastly tragic. Your children need you. Their children need them. Now more than ever! Your spouse needs you. In a blended family, the spouse needs proper attention, but the children need more attention. The adults have to be adults and understand that until there is an acceptance of a new normal, they’ll need as much time as they need to reacclimate. There’s no deadline on this. You can’t be impatient (like I was). You can’t push the issue (like I did). You have to be very patient with every child and their unwillingness to adapt. Eventually they will. But regardless, adults have to be adults.

What we can’t do is divide and conquer. Division in a home will always lead to vulnerability, which leads to a welcomed attack from the enemy, which will end the relationship. It just can’t stand divided. In Matthew 12:25, Jesus says this very thing. How important is it that the house is united?

I once heard the story of Bob Mumford taking his seat on an airplane. He soon finds that he is seated next to a high priest in the satanic church. So he strikes up a conversation. During their conversation, the thing that stood out the most was this comment from the high priest in the satanic church, “We have goals, but our number one goal, by far, is to remove the fathers from the homes. If we can do that, the family will destruct and make our mission that much easier.” THAT is how important fathers and family unity are. Even the enemy recognizes it.

So check yourself. Look inward. Because the children need a united front. And blended children need more than that. These children deserve to have love, direction and guidance from a parent and a bonus parent that loves them. If you’ll commit to work at this and not give up, the blessings are immeasurable …And that’s how they became the Blended Bunch!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

Posted on

The Blended Bunch (part 1)

Here’s a story… of a lovely lady… you know the rest. Eight…8! That’s the number of children My wife and I have parented… so far. 5 of hers, 3 of mine. I’m often asked how we manage that. I usually say with lots of alcohol. Ha! No but really, it’s a very tricky situation.

On one hand, Biblical priorities say the spouse is before the children. Children are third (Please refer to an earlier blog titled “Relationship Priorities”). On the other hand, children go through something that they never asked for (divorce) and are thrown into something else they didn’t ask for (a step-parent). And a much larger amount of grace and understanding are required to get through all of this.

Things to expect: children act out. They display their disapproval in different ways, but they all display it. If you think, for a minute, that your children love this new arrangement, you haven’t been paying attention. I’ve heard adults close to me say they still hold out hope their parents will get back together…and they’ve both been remarried for 15+ years. This desire doesn’t go away for some. So what do we do about it?

The only thing we can do is love them. Love them beyond their merit. They don’t deserve the amount of love we have to give them in these moments. But I don’t deserve the amount of love Jesus showed on the cross either. So I’m passing on the same unconditional, unmerited, undeserving love to my children and bonus children (not using “step”).

Things to expect: they’re going to feel like they are in the middle of a tug-of-war. Regardless of how hard you try to avoid it, it’s going to be how they feel. They can’t display love for mom around dad. They can’t display love for dad around mom. Or at least they don’t think they can. I once heard the story of a child that asked his dad, “Is it ok if I hate you while I’m at mom’s and love you while I’m here?” To which the dad said “Sure”. He understood the internal war this child was dealing with… that the child never asked for. It’s up to the adults to act like adults and make sure the children know that they are still very much loved by everyone.

Things to expect: children will play you against both their other parent and your new spouse. They will attempt to divide you and your spouse because they feel the need to make sure they maintain their primary role in your life. They usually do this when they haven’t been shown enough attention. And before you say, “they shouldn’t be attention seeking”, remember, this is a very unique situation that they didn’t ask for. Most children, regardless of what you say, believe their parents are divorced because of something they did wrong. If only they had done something better or not been so bad, their parents would still be together. We obviously know this is very wrong. Another reason why they need much more attention than the average child. That’s also where this whole “blended family” thing gets real dicey.

You have to keep children third, but you have to show them that they are a strong third. You also need to recognize the unique relationships of each individual child. My relationship with Ethan, 18, is very different than that with Colton, 11. With Ethan I’m more of a guidance. With Colton I’m more of a disciplinarian. With both, I suck terribly because I’m a girl dad.

One thing I recall was that early on, Bristol (16), my bonus daughter, was struggling with self-worth. Neither her mom nor her dad did or said anything to cause that… but she felt it the same. She seemed to be unconsciously “wearing” the shame and guilt of the divorce. I gave her extra love. Extra attention. I flooded her with positive speak. I literally picked her up one day and said, “We’re going for a drive.” I proceeded to unleash things like, “You’re smart and beautiful and will accomplish some amazing things one day and I can’t wait to watch it! And if any boy doesn’t see how amazing you are, kick him to the curb quickly!” Eventually, that swagger came back and she was back to the same old super-confident Bristol. Those of you who know her laughed when you read that sentence. This young lady commands a room when she enters. Haha.

Keep in mind that Bristol and Ethan reminded me more than once that “you’re not my dad!” My daughters reminded me that Jennifer wasn’t their mom. And still, Jennifer washed their sheets, washed their clothes, shopped for make up with them, bought them groceries they would like. Jennifer consistently went way above and beyond for my daughters, understanding that they needed extra attention during this transition period.

Things to expect: They’re going to disapprove of anything resembling the new spouse. What we can’t do is get so frustrated with the process that we stop the consistency or give up altogether. They are going to be resistant to anything that shakes up what they have always known. But eventually…. Eventually they warm up, they begin to see love from all directions. I’ve heard the analogy of a crock pot. You take many ingredients and put them in the pot. It slowly warms up. The potatoes get softer quicker than the carrots. So now you have soft potatoes but very crunchy carrots. It just takes the carrots longer than the potatoes to warm up and get soft. But you don’t turn the pot off. You also don’t turn the heat up on the pot. You just let it be what it is. Eventually, everything in the pot is simmering well together and all ingredients are soft and now blend well together. Now my daughters are asking Jennifer to do their hair; help them with certain tasks they know Jennifer is good at accomplishing.

It never does get perfect, but it gets a lot better. But what about the difficulties that take place between spouses that are trying to now build a new life together? Glad you asked. That’s part 2.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

Posted on

The Cover

“I thought you were a real jerk, a punk, a know-it-all who gets on my nerves!” Every single friend I had growing up eventually said that to me. Not kidding. Every. Single. One. This statement implicated quite a few things.

First, it implicated that I came across as all of those things. I didn’t give off an impression that I was a good guy. At all. It also implicated that I really wasn’t any of those things. It also implicates that we were close enough friends that they knew they could tell me that without me getting offended. So where was the problem? Why was this always the case? Was it something I was doing or saying or was it their quickness to prejudge? I later figured out that the answer to that last question was YES. It was a combination of both.

On one hand, I was not presenting myself in a good light. Apparently, dudes have RBF too. I carried myself in a way that was immature, irreverent, and sometimes mean. I didn’t appear to care about anyone other than myself. This was the first impression of everyone that met me. Hopefully, I’ve fixed that.

Example: There’s a book by author Anne Lamott called “Bird By Bird”. The cover has birds and eggs on it. So naturally, your first impression is this will be about birds. Maybe watching them, taking care of them, learning about the various species. That’s the first impression it gives off. It turns out that this book has absolutely no mention of birds in it at all. It’s an instructional guide to writing that lists the instructions piece by piece or “bird by bird”. Not exactly what you thought it was going to be about.

On the other hand, these friends of mine went with what they saw and heard before they ever even said a word to me. The ones that gave me a chance found that I wasn’t anything like what they thought. They would say things like, “You’re actually cool, funny and just normal.” Well anyone that knows me knows I’m anything but normal. But I’m of the belief that the only thing in life that’s normal is a cycle on a washing machine.

Example: I’m not a Trump apologist. I AM NOT. We all know he doesn’t have a very good “cover” on his book. But I was struck by a speech Steve Harvey gave in which he was pushed in to meeting with Trump as part of a request from the Obama transition team. So he went. Harvey told Trump all about how he didn’t vote for him. How he campaigned for Clinton. He said he’d been asked to help Trump, so he was there. Trump asked how he could help. Harvey said that Ben Carson was in charge of Urban Development and that schools were closing. Harvey could help revive cities and that those local leaders would listen to him and would get Carson in the door easier. Harvey asked for HUD money to open the schools for STEM, to also teach computers and coding in inner cities. What happened next changed everything Steve Harvey originally thought. While they were still sitting there, Trump said, “I like it! Let’s get Ben on the phone right now!” The next thing you know, they’re meeting to discuss launching this concept.

Following this meeting, Harvey received a flurry of comments laced in vitriol. He was called everything BUT Steve. The hate was spewed so hard and heavy that Harvey said that even he was surprised by it- implying that at age 60, he doesn’t get surprised much. When asked why he would agree to meet with Trump, he answered, “I had an obligation to take a seat at the table when invited.”

Harvey, when invited, felt two things. One, he felt it an honor to be in the White House in the best country on the planet, regardless of who was president. And two, he knew that if he was going to get the chance to speak to Trump, this was his chance to discuss with him what he thinks needs major improvement. In other words, he knew that if he never spoke with someone he disagrees with, nothing would ever get done. There’s a great deal of awesome sauce in this concept.

Now insert Rapinoe. Megan Rapinoe publicly stated that she would not visit the White House, if invited. My first thought was “how unpatriotic”. But my next thought was, “if she’s this passionate about certain societal issues, this would be her chance to voice them and see if there’s room for discussion.” But that would require listening to someone you don’t agree with and attempting to see their side. Something I’m not sure Rapinoe’s capable of, but I hope she is. Trump did just that for Harvey. Again, I’m not an apologist for Trump. But these are facts you can’t ignore. And those of you that consider Rapinoe to be mean and irreverent, that’s the cover… you don’t know the contents of the book. You may also be surprised by her if you were to get to know her.

Our society is so quick to judgment on almost everything. Who cares what the facts are?! Facebook said it, so it’s true! We all get caught up there. We should never judge a book by its cover, but we should all work on making our cover pleasant and accurate- depicting who we really are. And if we’ll be slow to view the cover and actually look inside the book, we just might be pleasantly surprised. But it will require us to be prepared to listen to someone that we don’t agree with. At least to hear them out. To find common ground. But if you never open the book… you’re left with only the cover. And here we sit: still thinking the book is about birds. Open the book. But first, open your mind.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

Posted on

Hit The Woah

When I was in high school, I never was deep in to current trends. But I remember them. Tight rolled jeans. MC Hammer pants. Carpenter jeans. White washed jeans. Sebagos. The running man dance. When I was even younger, it was neon fat-rat shoe laces. Michael Jackson jacket. Parachute pants. I’ve seen a great deal of trends come and go. Fashion trends. Dance trends. Food trends. Vocabulary trends. But lately, I’m seeing trends that I’ve never seen nor heard of before.

I expect that when someone is unhappy with a spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, they attempt to resolve the conflict by any means necessary. If it still cannot be resolved, they exit the relationship. That seems to be the way that is handled. Obviously, I think people bail way too quickly on relationships. They’re never easy. You’re taking two sets of opinions, habits, and desires and crashing them together and expecting everything to be rainbows and glitter farts. What could possibly go wrong with a head-on collision of opinions and ideas?

So then I ask, if you hate where you live, why don’t you leave that area? Let’s use an example. Joe is from Mt Juliet, TN. He has been born and raised there. Joe has risen to public prominence. He’s locally famous. He then begins to disagree with the way Mt. Juliet is handling their city finances, their city laws, and their public policy. After attempting to address these concerns, he realizes he is in the extreme minority on these issues. That the vast majority of the city loves the way it is being managed. The local high school football team happens to be very good. They love their city as well. So they put the city seal on their football cleats. By now, you know where I’m headed. Joe says that he is offended by the city seal of Mt. Juliet. The city that he was born in. The city that he was raised in. The city that afforded him to rise to the position of public prominence. And because he got upset at the city, he’s decided that the city offends him to the point of protest. Any symbol of it offends him. After winning a prestigious award, the Mayor of Mt. Juliet invites him to city hall to help celebrate his award . He declines in protest. But he doesn’t move. He continues to live there. That’s the part that baffles me. I’m thinking, find a city that does things the way you like and move there. Problem solved.

If I hated my country so bad that anything that resembled my country; the anthem, the flag, was so offensive, I think I would find a country I do like and move there. But that would make too much sense. We have to complicate it. Joe just stays in Mt. Juliet. Realizes his public prominence has run its course, so he stirs up controversy to keep himself in the spotlight. But this may not be the worst part.

The worst part is that this has become a trend. Instead of just fashion, dance, food, and slang words, we’re now inserting a trend of despising where you live, but not leaving. Add to that, this trend of athletes deciding not to go to the White House after being invited for accomplishing something great. Three things strike me about that. 1- Since when did it become cool to be rude? I’ll just have to not be cool. 2- I’m guessing these athletes think so highly of themselves that they think anyone cares whether or not they go to the White House. Like it’s some cool, public statement to disrespect the leader of the free world. Yay to you. We still don’t care. And 3- If the worst president of all time were to invite me to the White House, I would gladly accept. For a few reasons. Regardless of what I think about who is in presidency, the privilege I’ve had to grow up in this country makes me love and appreciate the country itself. It would be an honor, regardless of who is in that office. But why the allegiance to my country, or any area?

When football was started in America, It was a combination of rugby and “association football”; later shortened to “assoc”, then shortened to “soc”, then referred to as soccer. People in America loved both sports but wanted their own game. A game that represented what happened in the Revolutionary war. Their territory was to be defended, as it was against England. There was a pride in their geographical area. Thus began the game of football and the rivals between geographical areas. There was a sense of belonging. A sense of pride in your area. When I hear someone say Louisiana, Florida, Tennessee, Hermitage, Saints, Tigers, Titans, Gallatin, these are all words that represent an area to me. A territory I identify with. Unfortunately, those of you band wagon Patriots, Warriors, Yankees and Bama fans that aren’t from there and have never stepped foot in those areas before don’t have a clue as to what i’m talking about. But it’s real, there are actually people in this country that pull for the team that represents the area they are from, regardless if they’re any good. I know, weird.

When the attacks on 9/11/01 took place, all of the sudden, we were all Americans. When helping someone, no one stopped to make sure their politics lined up. No one stopped to ask if they were Christian, gay, republican, democrat, pro-life…nope! They just helped… because they were Americans! Yet now, we find ourselves witnessing trends where it’s not cool to be proud of where you’re from. It’s looked down on if you are patriotic. Maybe we should start some new trends.

How about we try this trend. How about it becomes trendy to secretly buy someone’s gas when you stop to get yours. How about if it becomes trendy to refuse to only listen to people who agree with you and pay close attention to those who have a conflicting opinion and explore the possibility that there are some valid points in there. What if we make it a trend to have coffee regularly with someone you don’t agree with. Maybe it can be a trend to search and find the GOOD in people, instead of the opposite.

The only way these actions become trendy is if we do them. “Faith by itself, if it does not have works (actions), is dead.” James 2:17. Can we agree to meet and talk with people who see life differently than us? Can we attempt to see the humanity in those who believe a different way works? I’m not saying we agree. I’m only say we listen with the goal of trying to see their point of view. For me, I’m trying to understand kids theses days. I don’t want to be so stuck in being right or proper that I fail to see life from their perspective. I won’t be doing the running man, or sporting a mullet, but I will see someone Hit The Woah and say “BET!”

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

Posted on

My Truth

What does My Truth and the Easter Bunny have in common?

Welcome to the church of God of Christ of apostolic visionary missionary Lutheran Catholic Baptist with a side order of Pentecostal Holiness. How cool would that be if that were a place? We all come from different backgrounds. We all grow up hearing people teach us things about life. When we grow up, we learn that some of it was true and some of it wasn’t. There’s no question that we are all a walking expression of our personal conditioning. That’s important to know because not everyone likes grits on top of their eggs. But I do. They were fixed that way for me as early as I can remember. That’s true. Whether you choose to believe that or not is up to you, but it doesn’t change the fact that it is the truth. Albeit subjective truth, it’s still the truth.

Subjective truth is based on personal opinion or experience. I like Merle Haggard’s music. For me, that’s the truth. For my wife, that’s not true at all. That’s subjective truth. Objective truth is something that is true regardless of opinion. Merle Haggard is a Grammy award winning artist. That can’t be argued. The problem is we, in the church, have begun to blur those concepts. But I think I know why…

I can remember hearing the word “rapture” a lot. I remember wondering why we only sang the 1st, 2nd and 4th stanzas of “Just as I am”. That 3rd stanza was awfully lonely. I remember hearing it wasn’t acceptable to dance in God’s presence. I remember hearing that our loved ones became angels when they died and arrived in Heaven. I remember hearing that if you didn’t get baptized, you weren’t saved. I heard “once saved, always saved” and “get saved every week”. It took a while to unpack all of this, but I learned some things.

I never found the word “rapture” in the Bible. I learned that there’s nothing wrong with the 3rd stanza of hymns. I read where David danced before the Lord (2 Samuel 6:14). I read that angels were created before humans and we are given tasks that the angels aren’t allowed to do (1 Corinthians 6:2-3). Angels are purely servants and we have been given much authority. Our loved ones are simply having the best time at the most lit party creation has ever seen. Remember the man on the cross next to Jesus? He was invited to Paradise by Jesus Himself… but he didn’t get baptized. Salvation is based on one thing, to believe, understand and obey the one true God that He indeed sent Jesus as His son and became the eternal sacrifice for us. When truly understood, it leads us to a place of gratitude and service.

So where did all that nonsense come from? Not sure, but it simply doesn’t appear in the Bible. But these days, we have a new problem. In the past, people would claim things that weren’t anywhere in the Bible. But today, our new dilemma is there are things that ARE in the Bible that society is choosing to ignore. The problem with either is that it simply doesn’t line up with what God says and has clearly laid out. My Granny is not an angel. She’s hanging out with her friends and family and Jesus Himself. Also, it is a sin to live together prior to being in a marriage covenant. I didn’t write either of those, but they exist completely autonomous of my approval or acceptance. That’s the thing about truth, it doesn’t require your approval. It just exists. It’s like facts, they don’t care about your feelings. They just ARE.

A growing trend is people in the church saying, “I don’t feel like everything the Bible says lines up with My truth.” There are a few problems with that phrase. First, and I realize I say this a lot, but God doesn’t always care about how you feel when it comes to obedience. He never said, “Do what I say, unless you don’t feel like it… in that case, just do whatever you want.” Nope. That never happened. Remember, if you make a decision based on a feeling, when that feeling changes, the decision changes with it. We cannot base truth or reality on how we feel. Because one day we feel one way and the next moment we feel the exact opposite. The other problem with this phrase is “My Truth”.

The new “in-phrase” is “My truth”. This implies that it is an unarguable entity. Its implication is fact… except it’s not. The phrase “My truth” should be more correctly translated “My opinion” or “my experiences”. This phrase stems from that subjective truth and the belief that our feelings hold a higher value than facts. The feeling that a loving God could never send someone to hell. The feeling that a loving and forgiving God would accept everyone regardless of their actions against His word. He’s supposed to be a loving God. So if you live together before marriage, well, you’re loving each other so God will understand… except there’s one problem… that’s not at all what the Bible says. It’s also false that God “sends” anyone anywhere. He doesn’t. I didn’t write it. I just read it. And it is very easy to understand on this issue and many others that society is trying to make murky. Remember, confusion is always from the enemy; never from God. The phrase “My truth” is basically used to justify what you wished the Bible said… but doesn’t really. This is a growing cancer in the church… just ask Joel Osteen. He’ll be glad to tell you all kinds of cool stories that don’t line up with scripture.

The question of, “why would a loving God send anyone to hell” or “why doesn’t a forgiving God just let everyone into Heaven?” is another topic for another day. But there simply is NO SUCH THING as “My Truth”. It’s either THE truth or it’s NOT THE truth. The only way you will know what THE truth is, is to dig in to God’s word and find out for yourself. Don’t take my word for it. Don’t take anyone’s word for it. Read it. If you have questions about it, ask someone that you know will give you a real and true answer, regardless of how it will make you feel. Ask someone smarter than you. If you don’t know anyone smarter than you, then there’s another problem at hand. Haha.

Blurring the lines of subjective and objective truth is dangerous and irresponsible, at best. God was very clear that “all scripture is God-breathed and useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness” (2 Timothy 3:16). God’s word on marriage, sex, treatment of others, forgiveness, and many other topics is the objective truth. They stand strong outside of our opinion, approval, or acceptance. There’s nothing subjective about what God has instructed. So what does “My Truth” and the Easter Bunny have in common… you guessed it. They don’t exist.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

Posted on

Fight Like a Girl

 

 

 

 

1937

Amelia Earhart disappeared. But what happened before she disappeared is what is much more interesting to me. Her mother came from a very wealthy family and was accustomed to a certain lifestyle. Her father didn’t come from the same background. He struggled through their marriage to make enough money to afford his wife the things she was used to having. Seeing this, Amelia simply didn’t want to fully depend on a man financially and would rather control her own destiny. As a father of daughters, I simply see no problem with this.

Amelia set out to accomplish things that she wanted to accomplish, despite the constant verbal backlash she received for trying to do “Manly things”. At any point through her story, she could have stopped. She could have folded. She could have said, “maybe they’re right. Maybe I should just sit here and be their idea of a woman.” But she didn’t. She worked as a nurse’s aid and then a social worker and saved up enough of her own money to afford flying lessons, then her first plane, a yellow 2-seater she named “Canary”. She was verbally punched but she fought back.

1955

Rosa Parks is arrested. The whites-only section of the Montgomery bus had filled and the bus driver had ordered her to relinquish her seat to a white passenger. She refused. She could have just gotten up and did what everyone around her thought she should do. But she didn’t. She committed “civil disobedience” by sitting quietly in the seat that was originally vacant that she had occupied the entire ride up to that point. This led to the boycott of the Montgomery bus system which was the first campaign of action of the civil rights movement. As we know now, this led to many things that stirred the conversation up enough to make mass changes in our country’s laws, rights, and the way we all think as citizens. She was punched by society, but she punched back.

1986

My family moves to Nashville, TN from south Louisiana. After a few different jobs, my dad found himself working all hours just to make enough money to keep the lights on and food on the table. Eventually, the financial and emotional strain began to eat at their marriage. They discussed the inevitability of divorce. It just seemed to be the next natural step. But my mom wasn’t going to just sit there and let the enemy win. She has a lot of fight in her. So she brought it out and fought to save her marriage. To dad’s credit, he joined the fight. This October they will celebrate 46 years of marriage. She was punched by the new norm in society. But she punched back.

Men in today’s society are viewed as weak, useless, dumb characters that are here to make everyone laugh at how stupid they are. Almost every sit-com TV show depicts men in a useless manner. Nothing more than a laughable, mindless, irresponsible character that generally gets in the way. Men have given society many reasons to be viewed this way. A large number of men either abused their God-given authority in their marriage or was completely neglectful to their wives.

It seems like everyday I see men sitting in cars while their wives pump gas, load groceries, drive the family places. I know there are cases where the man is physically incapable for medical reasons. I get that. But that would be every so often. I see this all the time. They sit back and let their wives take on stressful and physical challenges that they should never have had to do. The women end up finding themselves in the role of mother and father.

2013

My children were forced to endure a divorce. Since then, they’ve never been the same. They don’t see life the same. They don’t see me the same. They don’t treat me the same. They view me, in regards to that subject, as a total failure. In that, they’re right. But God turns all sorrow to joy. He can’t if we don’t allow Him to. He’s a gentleman. I could have just let the situation define who I am. Who they are. I could have just sat back and let the new norm take over. But I didn’t. I took some notes from the women (and real men) in my life. I fought the norm. I chose to pursue my daughters stronger than ever before. Text them constantly. Spend as much time with them as I can. Life punched me in the face. I punched back.

I think we, as men, need to take notes from the women in our lives.

My current wife, Jennifer, went from “what do I do now, my marriage is over?” to running 3 businesses and raising 5 kids… successfully! She was punched by life. She fought back. And if that was the only uphill battle she’s fought in her life, that would definitely be enough. But it’s not. Not even the tip of the iceberg. She’s overcome many, many obstacles… one after another… most of those obstacles were things she never asked for. She KEPT getting punched… and each time, she kept fighting back.

Are there men getting it right? Of course there are. Most of the men I know are currently getting it right. Most of the men reading this are probably getting it right. So what about you? You’ve read all of this and know that this isn’t something you struggle with. Glad you asked.

To the man doing it right… I say, TEACH. Show your children how much you love them by treating your wife with the utmost respect, love and attention she deserves. Show your children that they’re THIRD in your life. Find a young man and show him that it is still cool to be a good guy. To not cheat on your wife. To lead the way when it’s time to go to church. Show a young man in your life that masculinity is not a bad thing as long as it is used correctly. Never to be used as a weapon but only as a servant and protection. Make her feel safe because of you.

This Father’s Day, I’m praying for the fathers that are way off and missing the mark. That they find someone to lean on. Very possibly the women in their lives. That they understand it’s not too late. Children NEVER stop loving their parents. I pray for the kids of these dads, that they see the intentional change and allow it to take place. Kids are more resilient than we’ll ever be.

Also on this Father’s Day, I’m celebrating fathers that are living in their God-designed role. The ones that are not giving in to the stereotype of dads in this generation. The ones that understand that children are THIRD in their lives, after God and their wife. The ones that understand you’re there to teach and launch, not to be their friend. The ones that see the benefit of their wife’s mind. Her intellect. Her passion. Her scrappiness. The ones that are slow to anger and quick to listen. The ones that serve first and eat last.

If, at the end of my life, I end up being half the father my dad was 10 years ago, I’ll consider myself a success. I’m certainly a very long way from that now. So I’ll keep on fighting. I’ll keep on getting back up after life punches me in the face. I’ll put my hands up and FIGHT LIKE A GIRL.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger