Darby Saxbe’s Advice to Steven Bartlett

Eight Points to Successful Parenting

I recently watched fellow stacker Darby Saxbe on the podcast Diary of a CEO with Steven Bartlett. During the podcast, Steven asked for advice for his eventual leap into fatherhood. The following points were her list. I chose to elaborate on each point from my perspective. Please keep in mind that these views may or may not necessarily reflect Darby’s views on these issues. Again, this is merely from my perspective as a therapist.

Shore Up the Couple First

This is vital. The strength and resilience of a couple will certainly determine their success or demise once children are introduced to the partnership. Marital satisfaction (Rhoades et al., 2009) is the key here, rather than duration. But duration is reflective of marital satisfaction. I’ll explain.

If we know that couples who cohabitate are significantly more likely to divorce than couples who marry before moving in together (Rosenfeld & Roesler, 2019), and we know that couples who cohabitated during their first child’s birth were cohabitating an average of 20.9 months before birth, as opposed to 36.7 months for married couples before having their first child (Guzzo & Hayford, 2012), then it is quite plausible to connect a reasonable duration of time as a mitigating factor of divorce after having children, knowing that children immediately put strain on a relationship in the beginning months. I encourage couples to wait at least 2 years, but not more than 4 or 5.

Divide the Load Early

This is important, but not in the way you might think. I see many couples who vary in their division of household and parental labor, and it works for them. What I find is satisfaction is tied to expectation. When parents don’t discuss their household and parental division of labor, this produces resentment. When they do discuss their household and parental division of labor, and it is carried out, there is great satisfaction. The percentage truly does not matter. Some prefer fathers’ engagement at 20%, 50%, or 70%. It’s different for every couple. But if the expectation is 50%, and the father does not fulfill this agreement, resentment and bitterness begin to erode the relationship through “relational death by a thousand cuts.”

Have the Values Talk Now

Truly, this should have happened a long time ago. Values should be discussed prior to cohabitation or engagement. What type of living arrangements?

Where?
Children?
How many?
Religion or not?
Type of school?
Discipline style?

All need to be discussed prior to engagement. But, if for some reason this hasn’t been covered, yes, now is a good time to get this all sorted out. Household negotiation can be a mitigating factor of divorce, or its biggest contributor.

Build Your Support Network/ Find Your Community:

For clients with depression, we discuss:

Service
Community

Among the benefits of serving others, beyond whatever assistance is provided to them, is the perspective gained when attention is directed away from our own struggles and toward others’ difficulties. Because no individual remains equally strong under all circumstances, community involves not only receiving help in moments of weakness but providing such help when the weakness of others presents itself. One person stumbles and is stabilized by another. Later, the reversal is almost inevitable. It truly does take a village. There’s no way around this. If you are one that doesn’t enjoy the company of people, this is an area which will require acquiescence. We were never meant to do life alone.

Protect Your Sleep

Among the consequences of inadequate sleep, particularly during care for an infant, are difficulties in memory, attention, and the ability to function effectively. Because sleep plays an important role in memory consolidation, its absence leaves the mind heavily burdened. The practical question you must ask is not whether you will lose sleep, as this is inevitable, but rather how such loss is distributed. When our baby woke, I changed the diaper and my wife handled feeding. Such a routine allowed both of us to obtain comparable amounts of sleep, rather than leaving one parent consistently deprived. The particular arrangement matters less than finding one that works.

Take Every Chance to Bond

This is an area I wish I could get back. Don’t jack this up! When you have a free moment, it should be with your children. This means putting the phone down. Many surveys are available where kids were asked if they could have their parents do one thing different, they stated their desire for their parents to put down devices and play with them. Don’t be that guy. I can promise you from firsthand experience, you will regret it to the point of dysfunction. I had to relearn how to refrain from hating myself over this. Although my daughters have assured me that my self-perceived failures were not as massive as I imagined, accepting this required learning that regret can instruct and does not have to become another form of self-punishment.

Give Yourself Grace

There are perfect parents, they just don’t have children yet. In reality, there are no perfect parents. And you won’t be the first. So relax. Settle in. I highly recommend the work of Dr. Laura Dimler, PhD in this area. She is likely the best at helping parents determine what is satisfactory and what it means to be a Good Enough Parent.

In one such writing, Dr. Dimler states:

Experience-expectant development refers to experiences the human brain evolved expecting across development:

language exposure
visual input
movement
caregiving
social interaction

The brain is biologically prepared for these experiences and relies on them to organize neural systems normally. Experience-dependent development is different.

These are experiences unique to the individual:

learning piano
reading
gymnastics
chess
speaking a particular language
playing soccer
coding

These experiences are not universally expected by the brain, but they help shape the brain over time through learning and repeated practice.

Provide what is expected, and you, too, can be a good enough parent. Relax. You got this!

Protect Time Together

Don’t. Skip. Date. Night. I don’t care how you do it, just make it happen. It doesn’t need to involve great expenses. Make some PB&Js, throw them in a basket, lay a blanket down at the park and have some eyeball to eyeball time, in hopes for eventual belly-button to belly-button time. I’ve had some couples decide that following an 8pm bedtime, 8-10pm is their time to connect while device-free. You’re not being selfish by protecting your time together, you’re consistently reigniting your relational fire to ensure your children get what’s best, rather than what’s left of you.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

References

Guzzo, K. B., & Hayford, S. R. (2012). Unintended fertility and the stability of coresidential relationships. Social science research, 41(5), 1138–1151. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ssresearch.2012.03.002

Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2009). The pre-engagement cohabitation effect: a replication and extension of previous findings. Journal of family psychology : JFP : journal of the Division of Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association (Division 43), 23(1), 107–111. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0014358

Rosenfeld, M. J., & Roesler, K. (2019). Cohabitation Experience and Cohabitation’s Association With Marital Dissolution. Journal of Marriage and Family, 81(1), 42; 42–58; 58. 10.1111/jomf.12530