Posted on

Hope in the Tunnel- Part 1: My Story

I’m in a tunnel… and I don’t see an end to the tunnel. It’s so dark that I can’t see my hand in front of my face. Can’t see directions. Can’t tell if life is going on around me. Or if I’m just stuck in some chasm of hopelessness.

That pretty much summed where I was a few years back. But the story didn’t end there. While I was in the tunnel, a few things happened. First, I prayed the same prayer every single night for at least a year. “Lord, please take me in my sleep. I don’t want to wake up.” I really prayed this. Over and over. And began to get mad at God that He wasn’t listening. I was already mad at God for what had happened to get me here. More about that in a moment.

Though I couldn’t see around me, those around me knew I was there. They decided to guide me from place to place in this tunnel. I still couldn’t see but I could hear them. “No, don’t walk that way, walk this way.” Over time, I began to rely on those voices. I began to enjoy those voices. I began to believe those voices were around me for a reason. So little by little, God used those people to guide me further and further until I began to see a light. It was very dim, but it was there. And the more I headed in a forward direction, the brighter the light became. Until eventually, I was out of the tunnel.

How did I get there? In 2011, I got the call that I had received many times before, but this time it was crippling… it was final. Warner Brothers had officially passed on me and my band after we had verbally discussed and agreed on terms. Something happened within the label that made them bail on me at the last second and refused to sign any new acts for a while. The problem was, I was 36 years old. No one is looking for the next big 36 year old. I knew right then I had to hang it up. Grow up and get a real job.

Why was I so angry? Because I wasn’t trying to get a record deal to get famous or rich. I was doing exactly what I truly believed God had called me to. My talents, my desires, my surroundings. I received confirmation from many Godly people, including 3 pastors, that I was called to be light in a dark place. And that country music was to be my outlet. I’d given all of my “college” years, my “working up the corporate ladder” years, my “building my business” years… doing music. Now I was 15 years behind everyone my age in every aspect of life… all for doing what I thought God wanted! So after 15 years of sacrifice and heartache and disappointment, to have nothing to show for it was more than devastating. I felt like I was having a funeral. Like I was burying someone close to me. What happened next was worse.

I became very numb. Very cynical. Very bitter. And worse, very apathetic. Nothing phased me. I was grieving. I poured myself into officiating basketball. Anything to get away from my constant reminder that I was a total failure. But if that wasn’t bad enough, this funk I’d found myself in, greatly contributed to the end of a 14 year marriage. Which resulted in once seeing my daughters every day, to seeing them every other weekend. Well now I’ve done it… I’ve gone and made sure I’m a TOTAL failure. This is where I fully enter the tunnel.

So how did I get out? Jesus… in friends. A certain group of friends took me in and welcomed me in their “clique”. That was the beginning. A couple of old friends came in to my rescue as well. These people wouldn’t let me stay in the tunnel. They wouldn’t settle for “I’m tired, I think I’ll stay home.” They pulled and tugged until I was hanging out and laughing with them. In the midst of all of this, I found myself helping these people. I found myself helping other people with these people. I found myself less worried about my problems and more concerned about… OTHERS.

What I’ve learned about this topic is… the way out of this tunnel had a few characteristics.

*People. Jesus didn’t send a fancy angel flying down from the clouds. He sent people. People that didn’t even know they were being sent.

*Serving. Getting out of my own way and helping others.

*Lack of judging. No one cared that I wasn’t as successful as most people my age. No one shunned me, kept me out. It was open arms. And I had to be ok with them knowing everything wasn’t ok. And hoping they didn’t judge me, which they didn’t.

*Decisions. I had to consciously choose to make better decisions going forward. Starting with owning my contribution to my divorce. What can I do better? What can I learn from?

*Renewed love for God and His people. I still don’t have a clear answer as to why I believed for so long that God wanted me to do something, only to find out I was wrong the entire 15 years. Why God didn’t stop me at some point and say, “Hey, this isn’t going to work. Go do something else.” But because of how I was taught and how I believe, I remembered that God never changes. He’s still God. And while I still don’t know why my life went the way it did, it doesn’t change who He is and what He wants for us and from us. That’s the short version of my story.

I learned some valuable lessons about that tunnel. I’ve been hearing many people talk about their tunnel. I’ll address that in the next part.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

Posted on

The Blended Bunch (part 2)

So we covered the array of emotions and difficulties children go through when attempting to blend a family. But what about the spouses? They’re trying to build a new life together. They’re still figuring out whether they can deal with the fact that he squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube instead of the end. She pulls the toilet paper from the back. He sleeps with the fan on. She likes the TV on when she sleeps. Adults have enough on their plate before we even get in to the conversation of children.

To fully understand the biblical priorities, please refer to an earlier blog I wrote called “Relationship Priorities”. It covers the 5 relationships we have and the order in which they are to be prioritized. In that, you’ll find spouses 2nd and children 3rd. In blended families, they have to be navigated very carefully. There are two different scenarios to think about: before you marry someone with kids and after you have married someone with kids.

BEFORE: I know that in my experience, one of the things that was going to determine whether I could marry Jennifer or not was her kids. If I didn’t like her kids, I wasn’t going to like her. It turns out that she has great kids. They are all smart and have great potential to change this world one heart at a time. They all have big hearts. This is important. If you want someone so bad that you’re willing to put up with kids you can’t stand, you may need to reevaluate your reasons for wanting that person. I can promise you that if it’s for money or any other tangible asset, it’s just not worth the financial gain. You will continue to be miserable on the inside. This wealthy man/woman can’t fix that. Promise.

Another thing I’ve found is that if you aren’t ok with being single, you won’t be ok with being married. Singleness is vital to a healthy marriage. As I’m typing this, my wife is on her way to hang out with girlfriends. An insecure, overly co-dependent man would attempt to forbid this. I’m encouraging it for a few reasons. One, I want the same encouragement when I hang with my guys. Two, it’s the right thing to do. Three, away time is a good thing. You read that right. A GOOD thing.

This conversation was something Jennifer and I understood well before we decided to marry or even date. She loved my daughters. I loved her kids. I haven’t always been crazy about her kids. She hasn’t always been crazy about my girls. But at the core, they’re good kids and we are a family. Albeit a jacked up, crazy, loud, diverse family… we’re still a family. But if I didn’t love her kids and she didn’t love my daughters, we wouldn’t have lasted a year. Maybe not even that long.

AFTER: So there you are, in a new relationship where you love the other person but aren’t really sure about their kid(s)… You’ll want to figure that out before you go another step. First, check your heart. Decide what it is about their kids you don’t like. Then decide if it’s something you can work through and/or get over, even if they don’t change. But if you decide to despise their kids the entire time you’re married, one of two things will happen. Either your marriage will greatly suffer and eventually end from the negative rhetoric or you will find that eventually their children want nothing to do with them. Both are vastly tragic. Your children need you. Their children need them. Now more than ever! Your spouse needs you. In a blended family, the spouse needs proper attention, but the children need more attention. The adults have to be adults and understand that until there is an acceptance of a new normal, they’ll need as much time as they need to reacclimate. There’s no deadline on this. You can’t be impatient (like I was). You can’t push the issue (like I did). You have to be very patient with every child and their unwillingness to adapt. Eventually they will. But regardless, adults have to be adults.

What we can’t do is divide and conquer. Division in a home will always lead to vulnerability, which leads to a welcomed attack from the enemy, which will end the relationship. It just can’t stand divided. In Matthew 12:25, Jesus says this very thing. How important is it that the house is united?

I once heard the story of Bob Mumford taking his seat on an airplane. He soon finds that he is seated next to a high priest in the satanic church. So he strikes up a conversation. During their conversation, the thing that stood out the most was this comment from the high priest in the satanic church, “We have goals, but our number one goal, by far, is to remove the fathers from the homes. If we can do that, the family will destruct and make our mission that much easier.” THAT is how important fathers and family unity are. Even the enemy recognizes it.

So check yourself. Look inward. Because the children need a united front. And blended children need more than that. These children deserve to have love, direction and guidance from a parent and a bonus parent that loves them. If you’ll commit to work at this and not give up, the blessings are immeasurable …And that’s how they became the Blended Bunch!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

Posted on

The Blended Bunch (part 1)

Here’s a story… of a lovely lady… you know the rest. Eight…8! That’s the number of children My wife and I have parented… so far. 5 of hers, 3 of mine. I’m often asked how we manage that. I usually say with lots of alcohol. Ha! No but really, it’s a very tricky situation.

On one hand, Biblical priorities say the spouse is before the children. Children are third (Please refer to an earlier blog titled “Relationship Priorities”). On the other hand, children go through something that they never asked for (divorce) and are thrown into something else they didn’t ask for (a step-parent). And a much larger amount of grace and understanding are required to get through all of this.

Things to expect: children act out. They display their disapproval in different ways, but they all display it. If you think, for a minute, that your children love this new arrangement, you haven’t been paying attention. I’ve heard adults close to me say they still hold out hope their parents will get back together…and they’ve both been remarried for 15+ years. This desire doesn’t go away for some. So what do we do about it?

The only thing we can do is love them. Love them beyond their merit. They don’t deserve the amount of love we have to give them in these moments. But I don’t deserve the amount of love Jesus showed on the cross either. So I’m passing on the same unconditional, unmerited, undeserving love to my children and bonus children (not using “step”).

Things to expect: they’re going to feel like they are in the middle of a tug-of-war. Regardless of how hard you try to avoid it, it’s going to be how they feel. They can’t display love for mom around dad. They can’t display love for dad around mom. Or at least they don’t think they can. I once heard the story of a child that asked his dad, “Is it ok if I hate you while I’m at mom’s and love you while I’m here?” To which the dad said “Sure”. He understood the internal war this child was dealing with… that the child never asked for. It’s up to the adults to act like adults and make sure the children know that they are still very much loved by everyone.

Things to expect: children will play you against both their other parent and your new spouse. They will attempt to divide you and your spouse because they feel the need to make sure they maintain their primary role in your life. They usually do this when they haven’t been shown enough attention. And before you say, “they shouldn’t be attention seeking”, remember, this is a very unique situation that they didn’t ask for. Most children, regardless of what you say, believe their parents are divorced because of something they did wrong. If only they had done something better or not been so bad, their parents would still be together. We obviously know this is very wrong. Another reason why they need much more attention than the average child. That’s also where this whole “blended family” thing gets real dicey.

You have to keep children third, but you have to show them that they are a strong third. You also need to recognize the unique relationships of each individual child. My relationship with Ethan, 18, is very different than that with Colton, 11. With Ethan I’m more of a guidance. With Colton I’m more of a disciplinarian. With both, I suck terribly because I’m a girl dad.

One thing I recall was that early on, Bristol (16), my bonus daughter, was struggling with self-worth. Neither her mom nor her dad did or said anything to cause that… but she felt it the same. She seemed to be unconsciously “wearing” the shame and guilt of the divorce. I gave her extra love. Extra attention. I flooded her with positive speak. I literally picked her up one day and said, “We’re going for a drive.” I proceeded to unleash things like, “You’re smart and beautiful and will accomplish some amazing things one day and I can’t wait to watch it! And if any boy doesn’t see how amazing you are, kick him to the curb quickly!” Eventually, that swagger came back and she was back to the same old super-confident Bristol. Those of you who know her laughed when you read that sentence. This young lady commands a room when she enters. Haha.

Keep in mind that Bristol and Ethan reminded me more than once that “you’re not my dad!” My daughters reminded me that Jennifer wasn’t their mom. And still, Jennifer washed their sheets, washed their clothes, shopped for make up with them, bought them groceries they would like. Jennifer consistently went way above and beyond for my daughters, understanding that they needed extra attention during this transition period.

Things to expect: They’re going to disapprove of anything resembling the new spouse. What we can’t do is get so frustrated with the process that we stop the consistency or give up altogether. They are going to be resistant to anything that shakes up what they have always known. But eventually…. Eventually they warm up, they begin to see love from all directions. I’ve heard the analogy of a crock pot. You take many ingredients and put them in the pot. It slowly warms up. The potatoes get softer quicker than the carrots. So now you have soft potatoes but very crunchy carrots. It just takes the carrots longer than the potatoes to warm up and get soft. But you don’t turn the pot off. You also don’t turn the heat up on the pot. You just let it be what it is. Eventually, everything in the pot is simmering well together and all ingredients are soft and now blend well together. Now my daughters are asking Jennifer to do their hair; help them with certain tasks they know Jennifer is good at accomplishing.

It never does get perfect, but it gets a lot better. But what about the difficulties that take place between spouses that are trying to now build a new life together? Glad you asked. That’s part 2.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

Posted on

Jim, James, and Jussie

If there’s ever been a time for a need to believe in something bigger than yourself, it’s NOW! We all know someone who has lost the battle against suicide. There’s so much there. Cancer continues to wreak havoc on society as well. It doesn’t care who you are, how much money you have, it simply takes no prisoners. It goes after you blindly. And hate. There’s simply no room for it in society. But it continues.

We’ve all lost someone to suicide. We remember the initial feelings of shock and doubt. I’ve written an entire blog dedicated to this subject alone, so I won’t rehash it all. But the key to this problem is isolation. If the enemy can get us isolated, he can convince us of the lies that we’re not needed anymore. But the newest crisis is just that, a crisis. Ministers committing suicide. The latest victim was this week, Pastor Jim Howard of Real Life Church took his own life. While I have no idea what his life was like, the first thing I thought was all the “church faces” we put on when we walk in. I thought about all the facades that we continue to project so that we’re not embarrassed by our reality. Former pastor Steve Austin once wrote, “I’m a pastor, but my faith didn’t stop me from attempting suicide… In the past 4 years, the power of vulnerability, courage and grace have made my life better. Transformation has come from connecting with other people THROUGH our brokenness, not in SPITE of it.” It’s this lack of vulnerability and willingness to just be who we are and not be above help, that’s killing ministers and Christians everywhere. In case you haven’t figured it out, there’s only been one perfect dude… and you’re not Him. So embrace your humanity and be vulnerable. We were created to be co-dependent. That was God’s design.

We’ve all lost someone to cancer. We know who they were before they found out. We know who they were after. We know what it was like watching them suffer. We know how strong they were through the entire process. Most of us also remember the feeling of how unfair this was to take someone like them. Inevitably, it’s accomplished one of two responses to faith. Either a stronger belief in the Creator, knowing that He is still in control and will make someone better because of this…OR someone who questions or even loses faith in anything that would “let this happen”. This week the music industry lost a legend. One of the greatest voices off all time, James Ingram, to cancer. I’ve lost quite a few friends to this. But one friend was quoted as saying, “why not me? If it causes people to come together in love and be closer to God, then why not me!?” That may be the most selfless thing I’ve ever heard someone say. Basically, he’ll die so we can be closer to God. Well, it worked. A large church filled up quickly to celebrate his life and before you knew it, men and women of all ages, races and cultural backgrounds were worshiping One God, with One Voice. It was amazing. For me, it changed the way I viewed friendships. He and I had grown close. Just being friends with him taught me how to be a better friend. So while I’ll never understand why God decided to welcome this incredible human being to heaven instead of someone like me, what I will understand is the unmatched power that God displays in times like these. But I’ll still simply never understand pure hate.

Here we are in 2019, and we are still raising kids to hate. To believe it’s ok to attack someone because you don’t agree with their lifestyle, political or religious choices. It’s simply not ok. This goes partially to a blog I wrote about tribalism. Our “team” is under attack or they’re on the other “team” so I need to attack. Neither is right. But there’s really more to this.

As a nation we are headed for another civil war if we don’t understand that rights without virtues are incapable of preventing violence.

There was a report that Jussie Smollett was allegedly brutally attacked for no other reason than his skin color and his choice in lifestyle. Again, I don’t know him, but no one deserves that. While we now know that this was a completely fabricated story, it’s still happening in our country. You may say, “but we all have rights and they infringed on his rights…they should pay!” And you would be correct. But someone’s rights doesn’t stop them from an attack. The attackers’ lack of virtue makes it possible. We can put as many laws in place that we want, and some are useful. But until we begin to change hearts, we will stay on this decline. That means when someone worships a different God than you, when someone chooses a different sexual lifestyle than you do, when someone gets piercings and tattoos where you never would, that you LOVE them right where they are.  You simply refuse to hate. You refuse to neglect. You refuse to make them feel bad for choices they made simply because you wouldn’t have made the same choices. That doesn’t make your choices right or better. It just makes them different. And even if someone is making bad choices, no one ever changed their mind as a result of fear, anger and judgment. Every person I know that changed their minds on bad choices, changed because someone loved them anyway. Every. Single. Time.

The running theme in all 3 stories is that God’s love and our love for each other and the outright dependency on others are literally the only things that sustain you beyond these difficulties. It’s the only thing that guides you through the loss of someone to cancer; through the whirlwind of emotions after someone takes their own life; and through the anger and hurt of someone striking with hate. It all comes back to Him. The revolutionary idea that God can fix it… it’s real. Just remember that God used people all through the Bible and continues to today. So let them see a horizontal version of God first. Then they’ll chase the Vertical God. May peace that surpasses all ability to understand it descend on the families of Jim, James, and Jussie.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

Posted on

Giving is ALWAYS for the Giver

Giving is ALWAYS for the giver. Receiving is ALWAYS a burden. Once we understand this basic principal, we can proceed with caution. We are all quick to receive. Gimme gimme gimme. We are usually reluctant to give, unless someone is watching. But here’s the problem…

I’ll never forget the time we rescued an Australian Shepherd puppy. He was too young to have done anything that he was born to do. We put in an ad to place him and a farmer calls. We take him to the farm to meet the farmer. The puppy sees the herd of cattle and starts panting and wagging his tail. Keep in mind that there’s a very slim chance he’s ever seen a cow in his young life. We disclaim to the farmer that he may take some time to be trained because he’s never been out of a suburban neighborhood that we know of. The farmer then looks to him and says, “Go ahead boy!” he looks up at us as if to ask permission. We say “Go!” He takes off like lightening and immediately successfully herds the cattle where the farmer wanted them. He was born to do this. He never had to be taught. It was purely innate in him. We don’t have to be taught to give. It’s innate in us. It causes all types of things to happen. Science tells us that giving, no matter how big or small, releases endorphins in our brain. There’s a reason. The Creator made us that way. This explains a parents’ delight in watching their children open Christmas presents. Parents benefit more than the child. The Bible actually says “Give and it will be given back, pressed down, shaken together and running over”…in Red letters, btw. So the measure in which we give will be given back. But what about receiving?

This is where the whole conversation gets tough. We like to receive things. I know I do. But what we have to understand is that if we’re receiving something, it’s usually because we lack it. Once we receive what we lack, it instantly becomes a burden until it is used correctly. One example of this that is familiar to me is when someone in a visible position receives compliments. They are showered with, “you’re the best singer in the world!” or “you are so awesome!” So far there’s nothing wrong. What they do with those compliments is the key. If they choose to wear them, thereby believing that they are the reason for the compliments, then the problem begins. But if they collect it to the side and later, in the quiet place, offer them to God saying, “Hey, look what they said about you”, then the compliment is no longer a burden.

See, we weren’t meant for that much praise. We weren’t designed to receive. We were designed to give. I personally believe this is what killed Elvis. He didn’t know what to do with all the accolades and began believing that he was the reason for the success, instead of believing that God was the reason for it all. There were times in his life that he gave God credit. He even recorded true Gospel records later in life. But he was never consistent in offering the praise in the proper direction. So next time someone is offering something, make sure you’re able to use it, or distribute it correctly before agreeing. Remember though, sometimes it’s necessary to receive what someone is giving just to
make sure you’re not robbing them of a blessing. But again, making sure that you use the gift properly or it will become and remain a burden.

Something that was previously mentioned is the fact that we only give if someone is watching. Why is that? What is it that makes us need to be recognized for our giving? The answer is quite simple, yet very complex. The simple answer is that we don’t fully understand who we are in Christ. If we knew exactly who God says we are and bought into that, we wouldn’t need anyone else to pat us on the back for doing what God calls us to do on a daily basis. After healing the man with leprosy, Jesus told him not to tell anyone who did this. Why would He do that? Because he understood this principal and as a result, his genuine concern was for the welfare of this man and not His self-promotion.

So knowing all of this, why is it so tough to just give? I’m as guilty, if not more guilty than anyone reading this. We could talk all day about the various answers to this question but it comes down to one primary thing. We simply don’t trust God. We believe that we must hang on to what we have for fear that we’ll never have it again. But God said “give and it will be given back to you”… so why don’t we just give? Trust. Lack of trust also stems from a need for control. If you’ve lived a chaotic life, full of dysfunction, having never been in control of anything that happened to you, you feel the need to be in total control of your life from here on. Sometimes, trusting God means not being in total control. (Lord have mercy! Now I know what mt father means when he says that he often preaches to an audience of one-himself). I didn’t grow up in dysfunction. But I still struggle with trusting immensely. The fact remains, once we trust, giving follows. And what follows that… is the coolest chapter of your life.

Lastly as a side note, I’ve, all too often, heard ministers referring to Tithes as generosity. The two are not related. Proper perspective is everything. Tithe is obedience. Malachi 3:8. What you give above that is generosity. So when reviewing this, don’t consider tithe as giving. It’s relinquishing what wasn’t yours in the first place. Giving is above and beyond that. Well, this was going great until I said that. HA! Truth is truth. I didn’t make it up. I just scribed it down.
Giving is ALWAYS for the giver.

Posted on

Suicide

I have sat on my thoughts about recent celebrity suicides for a while now. You’ll be shocked to know I still don’t know the immediate answers (sarcasm). Here’s what I do know. There are a few things to consider when talking about this subject. One thing that’s rarely talked about in reference to suicide are all the people it affects. Sure, we talk about the family and rightfully so and in some cases the best friends. But we don’t talk about ALL the people it affects for the rest of their lives. Like the good friend at work or school that just saw them a few days before the tragic choice was made. They’re now thinking “If I would’ve just said something that reminded them that they have something to live for, maybe they’d be alive”. There are so many of those people out there that are second guessing every move they made prior to their friend’s death and really beating themselves up over the “what I should’ve said’s” and it affects them for the rest of their lives.

In most cases, there’s nothing you or anyone could’ve said. Their mind was made up. But for some that may wonder, “what do I do in a situation where I’m concerned for someone? Will I say the wrong thing?” One thing my brother Adam Grainger said in his sermon concerning this very issue is he learned in training to be a counselor, that if you even THINK they are struggling to that point, ALWAYS ASK them because you get one of 2 responses. “No, it’s not really that bad and it’s great someone cares” or “yes, that’s what I was thinking.” I implore you that if you are close to someone that you think is struggling, say SOMETHING. Apathy and isolation are the first steps towards self-destruction. Remember, the enemy doesn’t care about you going to Heaven. He realizes he lost that battle. He just wants you to shut up while you’re here. I also believe that there are two primary driving factors behind suicide itself.

1- We need air in our lungs to breath or we’ll die. We need hope in our soul or we’ll die inside. HOPE is where the entire dilemma lies. The only debate is what to put our hope in. It’s clear that whatever Kate Spade placed her hope in had vanished. Her kids weren’t enough hope. Her riches weren’t enough hope. Only hope in something (really Someone) bigger, greater, and cooler than us will sustain us. The sooner we realize that we are not Teachers, Policemen, Janitors, etc… but that we are children of God and that teaching, policing and cleaning is WHAT we do, not WHO we are, the sooner proper perspective comes in life. Our hope and identity can’t be in anything other than GOD. Everything else fades. Everything else goes away at some point.

2- Isolation. When God created Eve, He said it was because it wasn’t good for man to be alone. Therefore, He created us to be co-dependent. If the enemy can get you alone, He can convince you of something that’s just not true. Just ask Eve. The only way Kate and Anthony thought it was a good idea to do what they did was because they isolated themselves. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Had they sought the approval of anyone on this, they would’ve received immediate rejection. They would’ve known just how loved they are. But they got alone and listened to the enemy tell them the lie that the world is a better place without them. We are called to a community of people. People to keep us in check.

So going forward, find hope that outlasts every vocation…and don’t isolate yourself. If anyone in your life is struggling with either of these, step in! Don’t let someone you love isolate themselves. Penn Jillette, an outspoken atheist, told the story of when a man brought him a Bible after a show. He stated that this man was a very good man and he had nothing but respect for that man. He stated, “if you believed in Heaven and hell, believed that there really is everlasting life, how bad would you have to hate someone to not tell them about it?!” For some of you reading this, there are certain people in your life where YOU may literally be the only hope they encounter.

Stay Classy GP! (God’s People)

Grainger