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Parenting: Persistence and Practical Application (Part 2)

We discussed perspectives and pitfalls in part 1. Now let’s look at some persistence and practical applications. Here are ten (10) things we can do as parents to truly prepare our child to be ready for the world and for you to have a peaceful home along the way:

1-Currency. I didn’t really spank my kids much. Obviously, I firmly believe in it, but they’re girls and I knew my anger/temper and didn’t want to hurt them physically. What I did was make sure that the consequence hurt. Whatever they were being punished for was going to hurt so they wouldn’t forget it. I found their “currency” at the time and removed it. Whatever is important to them, it’s gone when they don’t listen the first time. I made my daughter sit by me as a punishment because she loves to be active and moving. So I made her sit still. I also didn’t let her complain about what she didn’t like. I let her know there’s a consequence for that too. As a result, she sat still and quiet. She did so for 20 minutes solid without a peep one day as a 4-year-old. Then she didn’t repeat the mistake. She learned. I did that without ever raising my voice once.

2- Don’t let your children work you against each other. Always come with a united front, even if you’re arguing about something or don’t even like the spouse. They will smell a weak union and attack. It’s in a child’s nature. If a child asks for something and one parent says no, if that child asks the other parent, the answer should automatically be no, regardless of what they’re asking for and an additional punishment should be handed down. That will stop and there will be peace in your home. Otherwise, you’re asking for chaos.

3- Obedience should come before love. Know that you’re in control. He/She is a child. He needs to obey first and then his life will be more fun. He can love on you AFTER he has obeyed you. That’s something all kids do. They start loving and hugging to get out of obeying. “but mom, I love you!” your response should be “if you love me, then obey me.” Remember that a child is learning from every single thing you do, don’t do, say and don’t say. They learn from EVERYTHING.

4- Teach them to fear you. The Bible talks about something called “Righteous fear” or “Holy fear”. It’s real and it needs to be in every child. They need to have a healthy/righteous fear of the adults in their life. The way you know if he fears you is if you tell him to do something- pick something up- and he does it the first time, he fears you. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t believe you’re going to follow through with your threats. Therefore, he doesn’t fear you. That has to change. Because one day he’s going to try that on a teacher or law enforcement and it won’t go well.

5- Never give a toddler what he/she cries for. Make them stop crying then ask politely with a smile on their face. The moment you give a child something because they cried for it, they learn that this is how you get what you want.

6- Restore peace by limiting the number of responses to a “No”. Also teach the child that if the answer is no, there are certain responses that are unacceptable. I tell my kids, “Your adversity can’t define you. But your response to it WILL!” I also limit the number of “But…”. I tell them if they ask one more time, there will be consequence. Guess what happens, peace is restored.

7- Always have 2 sets of punishments ready for a teenager. One for if they tell truth and the other if they lie. They should always be positively reinforced for telling the truth and the punishment should be lighter. This will encourage them to bring you the truth every time. Also, the only way to keep an open door of communication with a teenager is to assure them that no matter what they bring you, that you won’t get angry and blow up. But rather that you’ll sit down and talk it through. If they know they can talk to you and tell you they drank alcohol at a party the other night without you getting angry and just talking to them about it, they will bring it to you. If you blow up and get angry, they’ll never bring another thing to you. There has to be a level of trust both ways.

8- Everything belongs to you. With teenagers, the sooner you establish the expectation that everything in the house belongs to you, whether they bought it or not, the more peaceful your time will be. Teenagers have to be saved from themselves and reminded daily that they are not grown. If you want their phone, it’s yours. If you want their room, it’s yours. That expectation will make your life as a parent much easier.

9- Don’t sugar coat life for them. Let them see the good and not so good. Keep an open dialogue about these things. If everything is always taboo, they’re going to go and try to find out why it’s so taboo. If you’ve already discussed it and gave them examples of the consequences, they are much less likely to fall in the same trap.

10- Make a point to teach him/her how to act in public. Let him know that there are different standards for home and public places like church and restaurants. Your job is to teach. Prepare him for life after high school. I’m sure your kid is a good kid, but he won’t be for long if he is allowed to do anything he wants without consistent consequence. My mom always said she didn’t want to raise a kid no one wants to be around. If we implement obedience habits now, the rest of their life, their relationships with teachers, law enforcement, professors, spouses, children, bosses and God, will be much smoother and healthier.

I know- it’s a lot. And it’s much easier said than done. But, unfortunately, at the end of the day, when it comes to parenting, a lot more is said than done. Begin to view your children as God’s treasure that is in your care to prepare for the world we live in. That perspective will make this journey more fulfilling. Don’t lose heart. Don’t give up. Surround yourself with parents that you want to be like and other parents that are in a similar stage of life as you. And remember, there are perfect parents out there… they just don’t have kids yet.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Parenting: Perspectives and Pitfalls (Part 1)

All of us believe we are good parents. And to a degree, we are all right about that. We are doing the best we can. We’re doing the best with what we know. But what if we could know more? What if we admitted we weren’t the perfect parent? Is there room to learn? If so, then let’s see what we can learn here…

One thing I see a lot of, these days, is many parents have a few troubling characteristics:

  • They are afraid to let their child get hurt by anything, ever.
  • They give them enormous amounts of decision-making way too early.
  • They don’t instruct with love AND discipline. It’s usually either love OR discipline. Kids need both, together.
  • They also try too hard to be their kids’ friends.
  • I also see parents make their child their WHOLE WORLD. As a result, we have kids that grow up thinking the world revolves around them. Then they’re forced to enter the real world and find out that it’s nothing like what mom and dad said it was going to be.          

First, we have to work on perspective. Recently, I saw a post on Facebook of this cartoon picture of a kid asking the meaning of life and the mother saying “you”. While I get the idea that the child is so precious and awesome, and it was a cute picture, the reality is that isn’t even close to the truth. The meaning of life has nothing to do with children. It’s simple. To have an ongoing relationship with God through Jesus. Nothing more, nothing less. But how do children fit in to that? That’s where proper perspective comes in. They. Are. Not. Ours. Our children DO NOT belong to us. They are God’s. We are just to be good stewards of them and prepare them to launch into the world to have their own relationship with God through Jesus. Not to be their friend. Ever. Here’s why that’s important.

One of the best things you can ever do for a child is make him/her 3rd in your life. (God, spouse, children, in that order- refer to a previous blog called “Relationship Priorities” for details on that). He needs to know that he’s not that important. ALL children need to know that.

Another reason this perspective is important is that if you understand that the child is not yours, then you don’t feel the need to elevate him higher in priority than he should be. That this is temporary. That he’s going to be out in the world and you’re going to hope you did enough to prepare him for the crazy world we live in. That he shouldn’t feel the pressure of being #1 in your life. He/She should be allowed to be 3rd.

Another reason this perspective is important: if you come to an understanding that your child belongs to God and that you are merely being a good steward of God’s child, preparing him to launch in to a world where he has his own relationship with God through Jesus, then it causes you to want to have the best relationship with God that you can. Because his relationship with God is going to look exactly like yours, whatever that means. Good, bad or absent. Also, side note, his view of God will be his view of his dad (or father figure). If his dad (or father figure) is loving, the child’s view of God will be loving. If he’s negligent, his view will be that God is absent and negligent.

Decision making should increase with age and maturity. Letting a 4-year-old determine where you go to church or eat is sending a terrible signal. Letting a child not eat dinner then eat whatever they want from the fridge, another terrible signal. My options were, eat what mom cooked or starve. If you’ve seen me, you know I didn’t starve. Haha. By the way, kids can go to bed hungry. It won’t kill them. They can also fall down and scrape their knees. It’s ok. It builds their immune system. We have too many parents putting their kids in bubble wrap so they don’t get hurt by anything. Let them get hurt. It makes them stronger. More about decision making…

At age 14, you can’t drive a car at all. At age 15, you can but not alone. At age 16, you can drive alone but you can’t vote. At age 18, you can vote but you can’t buy a glass of wine. At age 21, you can buy a glass of wine, but you can’t rent a car. At age 25 you can rent a car. Even the federal and state governments, who rarely get things right, understand that with age comes more decision making, freedom and responsibility. With each birthday, let your child make decisions on something new. But remember, your job is to make decisions for them when they clearly can’t make good ones on their own.

A child needs to know that what he wants isn’t that important. Not nearly as important as his obedience. He needs to know that. The only thing that is important is obedience to you and the adults with authority in his life. You speak, he listens. If he doesn’t listen the first time, there’s an immediate consequence. Every time. Quick story about that.

Someone I knew of years ago had a kid that never listened until she got in his face and yelled for the 10th time. One day, he goes after a ball that went into the street. She yelled from the front porch to come back. Naturally, because he never listened before, he didn’t listen this time either. The boy ran in to the street and got hit by a car. He was 9. It wrecked her because she knew it was because she never made him listen the first time. Every child needs to be taught to listen the very first time. It’s hard and requires intense consistency, but it’s imperative.

Unfortunately, the single mother epidemic is another struggle in parenting and the struggle is real. From a single mother’s perspective, this is tough. Because the dad is supposed to teach him to listen and correct him when he doesn’t, and the mom is supposed to console him while reiterating and reinforcing what the dad just taught. But a single mom sometimes has to be both. Believe me, I’m fully convinced that single moms have a special place in heaven and will jump to the front of the line in the awesome stuff heaven will have to offer.  One thing about all children is, they want instructions and boundaries. But they’ll never be able to tell you that. But the core of who they are loves the safety in boundaries. We have to set those. That’s what we’ll discuss in part 2 of this blog.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Who Do You Know?

I’m standing there with a group of friends and one says to another, “do you know Jim Smith?” Chris answered yes. Mike then asked, “where is he from?” Chris didn’t know. “Is he married?” Chris still didn’t know. “Does he have kids?” Again, Chris had no idea. Mike said, “I guess you don’t know him really well, do you? Haha!” (I changed all the names to protect the innocent). But this is exactly what WE do. Let me explain.

When I met Jennifer, there was a time shortly after when I wanted to know more about her. I wanted to know her better. So we became friends. I called her on the phone and we talked for hours. Sometimes 3 or 4 hours at a time. She’d call me and we’d talk for hours again. I began wanting to know what she was like. What type of things she liked. I began reading her social media posts. I began asking people who knew her to tell me more about her. All of this and we were just friends. We had no romantic feelings at all towards each other. Just friends. But I had to know her. Not just know about her. And I wouldn’t be able to tell anyone I was her friend if I couldn’t tell them some things about her. Where she was from. Where she worked… something.

Right now, if someone said, “Do you know Jason Grainger?”, if you said yes, how much information would you be able to give them? Where is he from? Where did he go to school? What does he do now? Does he have children? And the only way you find that information is by either asking people who know him and trusting they’ll give you a truthful answer or reading about him or asking him yourself.

This is precisely where most Americans get it wrong. We say, “I’m a Christian” or “I believe in Jesus.” But do we really? Or are we saying that because we kind of believe in something greater and don’t want people to judge us for not really knowing much about God or any of that spiritual nonsense?

See, if you claim, AT ALL, that you are either Christian or “believe in Jesus”, then this means you have, at least, a basic knowledge of who He says He is. And if that’s the case, this would lead you to want to know more about this man. I mean, who are you casually professing to know? Supposedly this guy allowed Himself to be murdered so you and I could live. Kind of a big deal.

I’m firmly of the belief that you CANNOT possibly claim, in any context, that you believe in Jesus, but you don’t pursue Him. Anyone that you want to know, you pursue. You read about them. Ask others about them. I tell my kids all the time that who they are is completely wrapped up in who God says they are. But the only way they find out what He says is to read about Him and what He said about us.

“But I don’t need anyone to tell me who Jesus is. I have my own belief in who He is to me!” This is said quite often. The problem is, it couldn’t be further from the truth. The reason? He was a LIVING MAN. Not a fairy tale creature in a children’s book. He lived, walked among us, and left people around Him in awe at the things He did and said. That’s like saying, “I have my own belief about who Michael Jordan is to me.” But knowing absolutely nothing about basketball or the Chicago Bulls. If I can’t tell you that he played for the Chicago Bulls or that he played for North Carolina, then my “belief system” is empty, useless and thereby wrong! I have to read about Jordan. Watch his old games. Ask people that knew about him. We don’t get to have an interpretation about facts. They’re just facts. But we do get to learn about those facts.

So here’s my challenge to us. Learn who Jesus is and was. Read everything you can get your hands on. Find out what types of things he liked and disliked. Where did He like to go? Who did He like to hang out with? What kind of promises did He make? Who was His mother? What was she like?

The only way that’s going to happen is to get around other people who are in pursuit of the greatest speaker, doctor, leader of all time. It’s going to require us to go to places where other people are talking about this man. Its going to require that we read books, articles, listen to podcasts, watch video clips. So we can learn everything we can about Him.

I’m not saying for one minute to turn yourself into a religious nut. Quite the opposite. I’m a huge sports fan. Huge fan of good music. I’m simply saying that if I’m going to say He’s someone I know, I better have done my homework.

At this point, there are times when Jennifer gives me a look and I know what she’s thinking. Just the other night she gave this look and I said, “you don’t want to fix anything for dinner and would rather go somewhere, wouldn’t you?” She just smiled. I know what she’s going to say, sometimes, before she says it. That’s because I’ve learned her nature. I’ve learned what she likes and dislikes. I know Jennifer Grainger!

If someone asks you about Jesus, what will be your response? Could you imagine someone calling you their friend but every time you call, they never answer or reply to a text? You’d probably think they weren’t a very good friend. And maybe they need to stop calling you their friend. They’re not a good friend at all. This is what I’d think if I was Jesus. He’s tried to reach out to us and we refuse to pursue a friendship with Him. We pretend to know Him in front of other people because it’s socially acceptable, but we really know nothing about Him.  

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. But it’s a good place to start learning about this man you claim to believe in. Just start. Move in a forward direction. Start now. Learn everything you can. It will literally change your life.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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The Least Likely Source

You’re looking for a sign. You’ve asked for a sign. But the entire time, it was flashing right in front of you, but you didn’t see it because you had predetermined how it should look and what it was going to be like. We’ve all been there.

It reminds me of the story of a town that was flooding. One man’s house was flooding and another man came by with a small boat and said “get in the boat or you will drown.” The man said, “My God is mighty to save and He will save me!” Then when the water was higher, a man came by with a large boat and said, “get in the boat or you will drown.” The man said, “My God is mighty to save and He will save me!” The water got so high that the man was standing on his roof. A man came by in a helicopter and said, “Get in or you will drown!” But the man said, “My God is mighty to save and He will save me!” Then the man drowned. When he got to heaven, he said to God, “I told them you would save me but you didn’t! Why didn’t you save me?!” God said, “I tried to… three times.”

It happens all too often. We expect things to look a certain way and miss out on what God wanted for us because He tried it His way instead of ours. See, He has this silly notion that He’s… well… GOD. Weird, I know. We ask for something, then decide ahead of time how this prayer will be answered. Except, God knows a better way. Here’s the problem, if we’re not open to ideas that are not our own, we miss the blessing entirely. Let me tell you a story about a little girl that had the opportunity to miss out on what God had, but instead, chose to let God be God. 

This little girl grows up with a father that was verbally abusive and an angry alcoholic. She learns to resent him and only lean on him for very practical things, but never for emotional support or love of any kind. She grows up and makes a series of bad decisions. Finds herself in front of a judge. At 16, she finds herself single and pregnant. Finds herself feeling very alone and in desperation. She turns to the least likely source as a last-resort option for help getting out of the mess she’s found herself in. She turns to the very man she resents. Her father. Given this chance, he says these words to her, “When you don’t know what else to do, turn to God and pray. He always comes through.” She did NOT expect those words to come out of his mouth. She never thought about God using her dad to point her in the right direction, but He did.

She had an opportunity to write him off as some self-promoting, insane, babbling idiot. But she didn’t. She listened. That night, she turned it all over to God. She let go of trying to figure it all out. She began living her life as if God was the only father she ever had or needed.

Today, she is a successful young lady with 5 children, one grandchild, 3 businesses, a home and a caring husband (I happen to know her quite well). All because she listened to the least likely source. It’s just another story among many. There are so many like this. But if we find ourselves having decided ahead of time what it should look like, we will miss it altogether.

I’ll leave you with this story to illustrate what I’m talking about. I met a young lady on the road during my days as a traveling musician who came to the autograph line crying. I asked why she was crying. She said because it was a miracle she was there. See… every morning before work she’d say a very quick prayer for safety then jump in the car and head to work. But one day, a Wednesday to be exact, her car wouldn’t start. She tried over and over but it wouldn’t start. She went inside, called her work and informed them she couldn’t get her car to start. She then walked outside and figured she’d give it one more shot. It started like nothing was wrong. So she headed toward work, but was late. See, she lived in Oklahoma City and her route to work takes her right by the Murrah Federal building. And had she been on time that morning of April 19th, 1995, she would’ve been right next to the truck that exploded.

Her answer didn’t come in the way she thought it would. She asked for safety and God kept her car from starting… for just a few minutes. What she originally thought was turning out to be a frustrating morning (for many others, it was a horrible day), turned out to be a life saver. A car not starting was the least likely source of an answered prayer.

What’s the prayer you’ve been asking for? The way you think that prayer should be answered… drop it and open your eyes. Chances are, it’s been answered, but in a way you didn’t expect. Begin to expect the unexpected and be open to blessings. See, if you’re looking for the wrong in everyday life, you’ll find it. But if you’re looking for the blessings in everyday life, you’ll also find them. Especially if you’re looking at the Least Likely Source.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Equality or Superiority?

Imagine if it was taboo to eat banana pudding. Then one day, it becomes widely accepted and quite normal to enjoy banana pudding. So much that if you are caught saying you don’t like the taste of banana pudding, you’re inciting violence and using hate speech. It’s not enough that everyone is now allowed to eat banana pudding. You have to be chastised, sued and prosecuted if you DON’T like banana pudding because that goes against my personal preference and I’ve been a banana pudding fan for many years and didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. That sounds ridiculous, but that’s exactly where we are.

We’ve seen groups of people in our country through the years, treated very poorly. Native Americans, Irish Americans, Women… and so on. This country certainly has a dark history of spotlighting groups of people and oppressing them. I don’t take lightly, for a moment, the barbaric fabric of the civil atrocities that took place in our nation’s history. I believe it hurt many people. I believe the cuts are still healing. For women, for Irish-Americans, homosexuals, and so on. It isn’t as easy to just say, “We’re good. Move on!” It’s just not that easy. But this country also has a long history of righting those mistakes and moving forward. We have native American women that occupy public office positions in government now. We are moving in the right direction.

As someone who didn’t have to endure any of that, I tread lightly on this subject. But it needs to be addressed nonetheless. These various groups of people had different responses to their oppression. The emotional toll it takes on its victims is staggering. The anger, feeling of rejection, bitterness, depression that comes with being treated so poorly is very real. The problem comes when the wrong has been corrected, but the anger and resentment are still there. Then what do we do?

That’s where this conversation gets difficult. When a group of people are being done wrong, the ones that overcame that, did so by mob rule. I don’t mean that bad, at all. I mean that as a necessity because no one would listen until an entire group of people just rose up and said they’d had enough! It took that level of fight to get everyone’s attention to the civil atrocities taking place in our country.

Eventually, those wrongs were fixed. They were corrected. There is statistical evidence to show that those civil atrocities no longer exist on a wide-scale, or institutional basis. We are now, statistically, more equal and more fair than ever before in the history of our country. But what happens when we’ve reached this level of equality, but it doesn’t FEEL like it?

It is precisely at this moment when we leave the arena of legislation and enter the realm of personal responsibility. If we have been given equal access to civility, but we still feel disenfranchised, angry, resentful, bitter, frustrated, then we sometimes go with our feelings instead of the facts. We leave the feelings unchecked. And if the feeling is still there, then surely, we are NOT EQUAL, right?! Again, you can’t legislate overcoming emotional damage. The damage is real. And as I’ve said before, it’s okay to not be okay. But it’s not okay to willingly stay there. Personal responsibility leads us to a place where we understand that, yes, we were done wrong. But that has been rectified. I’m still angry about what happened but I want to heal and move in a forward direction.

The problem is, not everyone can do that. And when they don’t, society pays the price. When equality has been reached, but you don’t feel like it has, you are forced to continue to press on to what you believe is actual equality- which is, in reality, superiority. You begin to buy in to the notion that everyone owes you because you were done wrong for so long. Those that you believe did you wrong should pay and pay and continue to pay… then pay some more. They should lose rights while you gain more. Which is a tangible example of inequality through superiority. “I get to have my own type of business that’s only for my people. You can’t have one!” That, in itself, is NOT equal, but superior. “I get to be over you. I get to partake in certain things in life that you can’t.” Again, superior, not equal.

Unfortunately, American society has reached a place where the feelings are taking total precedent over the facts and statistical data. And we have entirely lost our ability to engage in civil discourse. If you don’t agree with me, then you are spewing hate speech, some would lead you to believe.  

Why did Chik-fil-A make the proclamation that they did? I have no idea. They are allowed to distribute their donation funds wherever they want. But, unfortunately, it appears that the purpose is to avoid having to stand up for personal and religious rights, which include the right to free speech and right to religious expression. 

Hear me clearly: to be pro-God DOES NOT mean you are anti-LGBT. God is pro everyone. That includes LGBT. Every human being. The only disagreement is whether or not it is acceptable or wrong to be homosexual in the eyes of God. But this has nothing to do with how I’m going to treat you, or anyone else for that matter. I can disagree with you and not hate you. I’ve been instructed by my God to love my neighbor as myself. He didn’t say, love him as long as he is just like you. He simply said to love him.

Where does this leave us? Back to the conversation of personal responsibility. We should be tired of being the victim and begin to live victoriously. We should never wait for the government to determine our destiny or direction in life. We should never rely on government for anything. We should decide that although there are times when we are done wrong, the entire group of people that person represents isn’t responsible. Just that person. We should get to a place where we stop blaming groups for the immoral and unethical acts of individuals. If we can get there, we stop looking for superiority and can rest in the equality of our nation. Great… now I’m hungry for waffle fries and banana pudding!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Image vs Reality

We see it on Instagram and Facebook every day. The image is surreal. Utopia. But the reality is damage control and brokenness. We, as a society, spend so much time creating an image that doesn’t represent who we are at all. We do this for various reasons. But, unfortunately, the church is the world’s worst!

I’ll never forget a friend of mine in the 5th grade. His image was that of perfection. The best clothes. The nicest backpack. Everyone wanted to be like him. Then came the day I was invited to his house after a soccer game. He didn’t seem wild about that. But his mom was being nice, so I went. When I get there, I get the real picture. His dad was verbally abusive. The house was rather dirty- like “dirt” dirty. Filth. Not what you’d expect from the golden boy of 5th grade. He seemed miserable and embarrassed the entire time I was there. The next day at school, he was avoiding me but managing to keep up the pretty boy, “got it all together” image. Even as a 10 yr old, I knew that he wasn’t going to be any less miserable until he sought help. That pretending to be someone he wasn’t was only going to prolong the inevitable. No, I didn’t know what “inevitable” meant when I was 10. You know what I mean! HA.

The various reasons: The primary reason is the need to feel accepted. That need to be a part of something. We can’t let anyone know we don’t have it all together or they may not want to hang out with us. They may talk bad about me. I’ve always said that if we knew how little they actually thought or cared about us, we wouldn’t spend so much time worrying about what they think of us. But that need to be accepted is real. And it’s not going away. Also, this need to feel accepted is connected to what we put our hope in. Unfortunately, if our hope is in something that only lasts for a while, our need to be accepted by that which lasts a little while will damage us.

The solution here is to seek that which lasts forever. Seek people with that common bond. I know many reading this hate church. But this is exactly where you find this common bond. You’re there joined by an eternal purpose. It supersedes everything else. These people aren’t exactly your best friends, but they are there no matter what, when you’re dealing with a tough issue. That’s because of that eternal connection. The need to feel accepted begins and ends with an attachment to your maker. But this, in itself, creates another problem. Church Faces.

This is another reason people create images that aren’t true. Fear of someone knowing what they’re really going through. We all tend to put on faces to pretend everything is okay, especially those in church. People in churches put on church faces to pretend everything is just fine when, in reality, it’s not at all. The sooner the church people take off their “church faces”, the sooner people outside the church will want to come in. The image you need to create there, is one of acceptance. Yet another difficulty for church people. “I know for a fact that he’s gay. I’m not hugging him.” Or “I saw him doing cocaine in the bathroom at a restaurant last week. I can’t be seen with him.” This has to end. It has to stop. They need to see nothing but love and acceptance and let God do the convicting. But no one will come in if they think you have it all together. They can’t compete or be a part of that. They seek people who have problems like the ones they have. If you take your “church face” off, they’ll see that you have issues like them, and they’ll come in and together you’ll work through them.

The solution here is to be vulnerable. You can only experience the level of love that matches the level of vulnerability you have. The more vulnerable you are, the more love you experience. In that vulnerability, you find 3 things: 1- there are others dealing with what you’re dealing with. 2- it’s ok to be dealing with this problem. You don’t have to keep it a secret. 3- It’s not ok to stay there like it’s some private club you’re a part of. Right there, you’ll able to identify the problem, share it with others dealing with the same problem and begin to work on a way out. This can only come if you stop worrying about who knows what you’re really going through. Taking off the church face.

I personally believe that church faces have contributed to the rise in suicides among Christian pastors. The enemy has accomplished a few things. He managed to convince the pastor that he needs to pretend everything is ok. He’s also convinced him that his ministry will be much better off if he’s not in it, especially if someone finds out what he’s dealing with. The enemy has also convinced him that in putting on the church face, in order for no one to find out what he’s really dealing with, he must isolate himself. And once the enemy has you isolated, it’s open season. He simply takes aim and fires bullets relentlessly. But it started with church faces.

For this reason, I hate church faces. I hope after reading this, you do too. If you’re in a place where you can’t be you and still be accepted, find a new place. There are plenty around. God can only be a part of something if 2 things exist, Obedience and Love… in that order. You want to see people’s lives changed? Let them know they’re not alone in their every day struggles. That being a Jesus follower doesn’t mean you rid yourself of issues. It means that you have a new hope that is bigger than the issues you face.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Mac vs Moore

I’m not really sure why I’m’ weighing in on this but here it goes.

The mere fact that I had to title it “Mac vs Moore” instead of “Mac WITH Moore” is a sad thing. Two people that are supposed to be going the same direction, serving the same God, but one is throwing darts at the other. Where to begin….

First, I do believe that our society has spent way too much time trying to make everyone equal and alike that we have lost the ability to celebrate our differences as a positive thing. Regardless of our opinions, men have inherent qualities that women don’t usually possess. Likewise, women have innate qualities that men don’t usually possess. Women have a very keen sense of discernment. Their intuition is unmatched and real. Men have an ability to make a decision based solely on facts and completely irrespective of feelings. That’s just the beginning of the mass difference between men and women. They are different. Very different.

All the more reason to embrace men doing things to help other men and women doing things to help other women. Because we’re so different, we need someone who has walked our walk. Someone who knows what it’s like to have the weight of the family on their shoulders and be afraid to make a mistake. The single mother with a deadbeat-dad ex-husband isn’t going to ask for a man’s advice on this situation. She’s going to ask a woman who has dealt with this or knows someone who has.

That’s why Mac’s stance confuses me somewhat. I understand that biblically, there’s no evidence that women ever led a flock, nation, church. But Beth isn’t pastoring. She’s ministering. There’s a huge difference. And she’s ministering quite well. People like Beth Moore and Christine Caine are exactly what women need. Someone who understands the complex and intricate things that women deal with; things that men just don’t understand. Starting with their whacked-out emotions. Haha. I can be emotional, but a female’s emotions are on an entirely different level. How to navigate a difficult marriage; single motherhood; abusive relationships; difficulties in the workplace. These are only a very small portion of the things these female ministers address that is needed by women, for women. Just because Beth Moore may not be your cup of tea, doesn’t mean tea is bad. It just means you need to find a different drink.

So maybe we figure out a way to celebrate the individuality of everyone. Maybe we figure out a way to celebrate our differences. Maybe we realize we have strengths and weaknesses and help each other when we have strength where they have a weakness, and vice versa.

I’m a firm believer that there is no greater testimony than that of someone who has known, loved and followed God their entire life. No one can convince me otherwise. Someone who has known God their entire life has a VERY valid wealth of experience and can effectively communicate God’s nature to someone who doesn’t know God. They can offer sound advice based on their knowledge of God’s word and their own life experiences. Having said that, there’s also something to be said for recovering drug addicts helping struggling addicts. There something to be said for those who have walked the broken path, to help those still on that path get off. Alcoholics are going to listen very closely to someone who has been down that dark road. Domestic abuse victims are going to follow someone who still has the scars from their own abusive relationship. It’s just the nature of human beings and there’s nothing wrong with it and it should be celebrated.

Men have spiritual insight for men. Women have spiritual insight for women. Former addicts have spiritual insight for current addicts… and so on. Let God use whoever He will use to reach His children. Because I’m fully convinced that there’s simply no way you can look at the life of Beth Moore and Christine Caine and say, “God’s not using them.” That’s just not possible. God’s using them in powerful ways. And will continue to, now that Big Mac decided to pick on a girl. “Hell hath no fury…”

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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You Can’t Judge Me

You can’t! Or can you? This phrase gets misused…often. So I figured it’s about time I addressed it. We all hear it. Especially when someone has done something very wrong or just used very poor judgment. To be clear, I’ve done both of those many times. So in that regard, I don’t “judge” anyone either. But is that an acceptable response when we do those things?

To be clear, I’m firmly of the belief that there is forgiveness for anything. That God is bigger than your problems. That you didn’t do anything to earn God’s love, so you can’t do anything to lose it. I believe that no matter how “big” the mistake, God is bigger and ready to move forward and move on. I also believe that if there is a true change of heart, then you accept the fact that God loves you where you are but loves you too much to leave you where you are. Having said that, when confronted by someone with the realization that what you’re doing is wrong, if your go-to phrase is “you can’t judge me!”, then we’re no longer talking about someone that is looking for help. We’re now talking about someone that refuses help, thus completely stifling your growth as a person.  

Here’s the thing about that phrase. It’s usually used as an attempt to remove shame and/or attention. “You aren’t perfect, so you can’t judge me.” It’s also become a self-serving license to live how we want with zero accountability for our actions. “I can do whatever I want and you can’t judge me!” Obviously, neither is good or correct.

The first, “you aren’t perfect, so you can’t judge me”, If that’s where we live our lives, we only go backwards… at a fast pace. No one is perfect. So when you steal someone’s wallet for the 14th time in 2 months right after you got out of jail for the same offense, you still want no one to judge you? I’m not saying there isn’t help. What I’m saying is, if you have the propensity to make the same bad decision over and over, or even make a bunch of different bad decisions over and over, you need someone in your life “judging” you to help you fix the wrong path you’re on and improve the quality of your life. Claiming that no is perfect so no one can judge you allows you to just stay in same rut you’ve been in and dig it even deeper.

“I can do whatever I want and you can’t judge me.” This one is closely related. But maybe even worse. At least when you claim no one is perfect, you’re admitting what you’re doing is wrong on many levels. But doing whatever you want implies you have no intention of bettering yourself or just stopping the destructive behavior. This phrase often comes from a place of anger, resentment and on the defense. You feel attacked and are making yourself feel justified. You’re on a fast track to total destruction and You’re making every excuse why it’s ok. Well it’s not ok.

And what’s interesting is the verse people quote when they’re making this point. Luke 6:42 “How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite.” And this is where they stop.

They’ve justified their own transgressions. The problem is there’s more to the verse… “first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” He didn’t say you can’t point out the speck, He only said take your plank out first, THEN you’ll see the speck clearly.

This implies that we are, most certainly, supposed to judge each other. At least that’s what this passage says, “These are the things which you should do: speak the truth with one another; judge with truth and pronounce the judgment that brings peace in [the courts at] your gates.” ZECHARIAH 8:16 AMP

So what now? Start pointing fingers? Nope. Continue to open your arms to those that are struggling. Those that don’t know another way until you show them. Continue to remember the chains that God set you free from. Continue to celebrate with those making tough but eternal decisions. But also live your life with accountability. Surround yourself with people that will call you out (or judge you) and push you to be a better person. Stop using this phrase as a crutch and a license to stop growing as a person. Anything that comes easy, probably isn’t worth very much. It’s not easy to grow as a person. It’s not easy to be walking one direction and make a turn in the other, knowing you may lose some friends along the way. It’s tough. But it’s worth it in the long run. You can judge me… but always in love! 

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Hope in the Tunnel- Part 2: Your Story

In the first part, I told you my story. It’s an ugly story. But It’s a victorious and hopeful story too. Now let’s talk about your story… or someone you know.

Anxiety- “Intense, excessive, and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations.” That’s the definition from the Mayo clinic.

First, if you want to hear an amazing message about worry, click HERE! It will change your life.

There are two different sides to this conversation telling two very different stories. One says, “It’s all in your head. You’re making this stuff up. Get up, get over it and move on!” The other side says, “It’s who I am! Nothing can change me. I just need to learn to deal with the new me.” I’m here to tell you that neither is true.

It’s not all in their heads. They didn’t consciously choose this. And in most cases, they don’t want this. They can’t just get over it and move on. It’s not that simple. For the time being, it owns them. But there’s hope in the tunnel.

The problem here though, is that some don’t seem to want out of the tunnel bad enough to make hard short-term decisions that have long term affects. In many cases, to remove the propensity for anxiety, you must remove that which is leading you there. And often times the very thing that is causing you anxiety is the thing or person that you love the most. That’s where this whole thing gets very tough. For some, it may take making the toughest decision of your life NOW in order to live a peaceful life LATER. Fear not, someone will be there to hold your hand all the way out of the tunnel.

For some, it has become a new identity. They see how people come to their rescue and defense. So this “can’t be a bad thing.” This comes from either 1- not enough attention growing up or 2- having your parents’ life revolve around you, then getting out in to the real world and realizing it’s nothing like that at all. No one cares as much as they did… until you had anxiety. Now they care! The glamorization of this is sickening. There’s nothing glamorous about it. Stop wearing it like a badge. Don’t be ashamed of it, but don’t be proud of it either. I’m telling you that you DON’T HAVE TO STAY IN THE TUNNEL.

The anxiety itself, is a symptom. Never the problem. Address the problem and the symptom is cured. I know it’s not that easy, but it is possible! If it’s not possible, then we don’t serve a very mighty God. If it’s not possible, then why did Paul say in 2nd Timothy 1:7, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind”…? Which one sounds like anxiety… power, love, sound mind… or fear? And if God doesn’t give it, then who does? The enemy. SO IT. MUST. GO. Remember, fear and worry are at the core of anxiety. So if God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear, then He hasn’t given us anxiety either… He want’s you to be free of it! Maybe not right this second, but eventually.

I firmly believe that NO ONE is called to have anxiety. That you’re just stuck with it. That you’ll have it forever. I firmly believe that it’s not “who you are”. It may be where you are… but THERE IS HOPE IN THE TUNNEL.

Depression- “A mental health disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life.” That is the definition given by the Mayo Clinic.

Something that I firmly believe is that depression is more rampant today than maybe in any society in the history of our nation. There was a study done among high school students listing the top ten things students struggled with during high school. During the 1990’s, the #1 thing listed was drugs and alcohol. In today’s schools, drugs and alcohol are #10. The number one thing they struggle with today is anxiety and depression. That’s #1!

Many people in general, and especially students, have lost their sense of hope and belonging. They have lost, or never known, their place on earth. Identity is huge. My dad once dealt with this first hand as he was concluding one era of his ministry. He felt lost if he wasn’t pastoring. God spoke to him very clearly and said, “Who you are is a child of God. You are my son. Pastoring is what you DO.” This perspective has to permeate in your heart and mind. The quicker someone understands that who they are is completely wrapped up in who God is, the quicker they find their place, purpose, and calling.

I’ve been drafting this over the course of a week and in the middle of it, after I had written 75% of it, a young lady, a 14 year old freshman at my daughter’s school, decided to take her life. Her particular situation was bullying. But loss of hope was the key. The bullies took that hope. This thing is real. I’m a girl-dad so this crushes me. In the midst of this, I have been proud of both of my daughters in that school system. They told me they have been actively pursuing kids who are eating by themselves in order to help them feel included and combat depression. They hadn’t seen this particular girl and stated that had she been alone in any setting where they were, they would’ve pursued her. I love their hearts. I also feel terrible for this girl that she felt this was the only way out of her tunnel.

Community and service. That is how we get out of the tunnel. These truths are really the only thing that allowed me to get out of the tunnel as fast as I did. It isn’t always that fast. But knowing that if I am still breathing… God’s not done… this kept me going. That and my daughters. 

Getting out of that tunnel took real people, with real problems of their own reaching out to me and not letting me go backwards in the tunnel. It took community. I read about an experiment where they put a rat in a cage and gave it two options of water. One was regular water and the other was drug laced water. Each rat they experimented on, without exception, always chose the drug laced water and almost always overdosed quickly and died. Then they noticed something. They were putting the rat in there alone. What if they create a rat heaven community? Would they still want the drug water? So they put multiple rats in there of both genders, loads of cheese and tunnels. Then comes the amazing part, they all…100% of them chose the normal water and NONE chose the drug water. The solution was community. Whether we like it or not, we were called to be co-dependent.

Again, I’ll say, Community and service are clearly the keys out of the tunnel. Serve someone. Do something for someone else. You will quickly find yourself noticing a light at the end of that tunnel. And the more you are in your community and serving others, the brighter that light gets. Next thing you know, you’re out of the tunnel and you’re helping someone else out of their tunnel. You simply can NOT let yourself, or someone else, be isolated!

Isolation is the #1 tool of the enemy.

So please, keep your eyes and ears open. When you see someone in a tunnel, be the voice that guides them out. If you’re reading this and you’re the one in the tunnel, hold on, there’s HOPE IN THE TUNNEL!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Hope in the Tunnel- Part 1: My Story

I’m in a tunnel… and I don’t see an end to the tunnel. It’s so dark that I can’t see my hand in front of my face. Can’t see directions. Can’t tell if life is going on around me. Or if I’m just stuck in some chasm of hopelessness.

That pretty much summed where I was a few years back. But the story didn’t end there. While I was in the tunnel, a few things happened. First, I prayed the same prayer every single night for at least a year. “Lord, please take me in my sleep. I don’t want to wake up.” I really prayed this. Over and over. And began to get mad at God that He wasn’t listening. I was already mad at God for what had happened to get me here. More about that in a moment.

Though I couldn’t see around me, those around me knew I was there. They decided to guide me from place to place in this tunnel. I still couldn’t see but I could hear them. “No, don’t walk that way, walk this way.” Over time, I began to rely on those voices. I began to enjoy those voices. I began to believe those voices were around me for a reason. So little by little, God used those people to guide me further and further until I began to see a light. It was very dim, but it was there. And the more I headed in a forward direction, the brighter the light became. Until eventually, I was out of the tunnel.

How did I get there? In 2011, I got the call that I had received many times before, but this time it was crippling… it was final. Warner Brothers had officially passed on me and my band after we had verbally discussed and agreed on terms. Something happened within the label that made them bail on me at the last second and refused to sign any new acts for a while. The problem was, I was 36 years old. No one is looking for the next big 36 year old. I knew right then I had to hang it up. Grow up and get a real job.

Why was I so angry? Because I wasn’t trying to get a record deal to get famous or rich. I was doing exactly what I truly believed God had called me to. My talents, my desires, my surroundings. I received confirmation from many Godly people, including 3 pastors, that I was called to be light in a dark place. And that country music was to be my outlet. I’d given all of my “college” years, my “working up the corporate ladder” years, my “building my business” years… doing music. Now I was 15 years behind everyone my age in every aspect of life… all for doing what I thought God wanted! So after 15 years of sacrifice and heartache and disappointment, to have nothing to show for it was more than devastating. I felt like I was having a funeral. Like I was burying someone close to me. What happened next was worse.

I became very numb. Very cynical. Very bitter. And worse, very apathetic. Nothing phased me. I was grieving. I poured myself into officiating basketball. Anything to get away from my constant reminder that I was a total failure. But if that wasn’t bad enough, this funk I’d found myself in, greatly contributed to the end of a 14 year marriage. Which resulted in once seeing my daughters every day, to seeing them every other weekend. Well now I’ve done it… I’ve gone and made sure I’m a TOTAL failure. This is where I fully enter the tunnel.

So how did I get out? Jesus… in friends. A certain group of friends took me in and welcomed me in their “clique”. That was the beginning. A couple of old friends came in to my rescue as well. These people wouldn’t let me stay in the tunnel. They wouldn’t settle for “I’m tired, I think I’ll stay home.” They pulled and tugged until I was hanging out and laughing with them. In the midst of all of this, I found myself helping these people. I found myself helping other people with these people. I found myself less worried about my problems and more concerned about… OTHERS.

What I’ve learned about this topic is… the way out of this tunnel had a few characteristics.

*People. Jesus didn’t send a fancy angel flying down from the clouds. He sent people. People that didn’t even know they were being sent.

*Serving. Getting out of my own way and helping others.

*Lack of judging. No one cared that I wasn’t as successful as most people my age. No one shunned me, kept me out. It was open arms. And I had to be ok with them knowing everything wasn’t ok. And hoping they didn’t judge me, which they didn’t.

*Decisions. I had to consciously choose to make better decisions going forward. Starting with owning my contribution to my divorce. What can I do better? What can I learn from?

*Renewed love for God and His people. I still don’t have a clear answer as to why I believed for so long that God wanted me to do something, only to find out I was wrong the entire 15 years. Why God didn’t stop me at some point and say, “Hey, this isn’t going to work. Go do something else.” But because of how I was taught and how I believe, I remembered that God never changes. He’s still God. And while I still don’t know why my life went the way it did, it doesn’t change who He is and what He wants for us and from us. That’s the short version of my story.

I learned some valuable lessons about that tunnel. I’ve been hearing many people talk about their tunnel. I’ll address that in the next part.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger