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Missed Opportunities

Some opportunities come often. Some come “Once in a lifetime” so “You better lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it…” well you know. We can all point to missed opportunities in our own lives, if we’re honest.

I can point to countless meetings with music industry heavy weights. One particular meeting was with a producer who presents ideas to me about his vision for my career and I begin to lay out why he’s wrong and what really needs to be done. This dude was ready for me to be out of his office.

Then there are those times we go through something tough that we brought on to ourselves. And somehow after going through this, we don’t learn from our mistakes. We repeat them. We go back to that toxic relationship. We go back to that “friend” that isn’t a friend at all for introducing us to a highly addictive drug. These are all missed opportunities. And I can promise I’ve had my share and them some. So, I do not judge those that also miss opportunities.

Since this virus has hit America, there has been more division in our country than ever before since the civil war. People have picked a side and will die fighting for a side or an ideal regardless if they’re right or wrong. One side could say the sky is blue and the other will say “Fake news! I looked up and it was orange!” When in reality, they were both right but too divided to know it.

I’ve been praying and hoping there would be a voice of unity. A voice of reason in all this madness. Someone with a national platform that rises up and says something to the effect of “There are great people on BOTH sides of every argument. We must figure out a way to coexist in the middle of our disagreement… like adults!”

I keep thinking that soon it will happen. Someone will figure out a way to get people to put down their pitchforks just long enough to see the humanity in the person they have sworn to hate because their tribe says to. “ALL Biden lovers are lunatics!” or “ALL Trump lovers are racists!” really… anytime you put “ALL” on anything, you corner yourself into a place where you will most certainly be found WRONG.

In my life, I’ve had the fortune of traveling the world playing music and refereeing basketball. One thing that I found very consistent is that in every race and every culture there are: great people, terrible people, classy people, trashy people, people with high integrity and people who’d steal anything they can. There really is NO SUCH THING as “ALL” when referring to human beings… except that they are all human beings. That’s about where it ends.

Unfortunately, while waiting for this voice of reason, I completely stopped hoping it would be our president. While I realize that the things he’s “doing” are incredibly great for our country, the things he “says” aren’t. Yes, he’s taking care of America first and everyone else takes a number and gets in line… for the first time… maybe ever. Yes, he orchestrated the best economy this country has seen in at least 50 years. But the words he continues to say and tweet are at least as divisive as his predecessor. I find myself hoping someone will put him in Twitter time-out.

Trump’s predecessor, Obama, was one of the greatest speakers in American history. I was always a fan of who he was. What he stood for. He was a classy person. He was a family man. A good father and devoted husband. He knew when to lighten up and when to be serious. He knew how to put words together in such a way that they sounded like absolute art.

So when I heard he was speaking at John Lewis’ funeral, I quickly thought… “He’ll be the guy! Obama will say things to unify the country!” I’m not sure why I thought that. He never did it once in 8 years of office. But I thought that his classy nature would prevail and he’d be a voice of reason. No one would listen to Bush. No one would listen to Clinton. No one would listen to Pelosi. But EVERYONE would listen to Obama.

And as he began, the story was inspiring and full of awe. He spoke highly of a man that was worth speaking highly of. A man (J. Lewis) that overcame many obstacles and endured many hardships to make sure “the movement” didn’t die until racism did.

But then, in true presidential-Obama form, he began using his national microphone to push partisan agendas. To divide the country even further. If someone wasn’t angry about political division before, they certainly were after.

This man (Obama) had an opportunity to bring the nation together. He had the ears of Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, LGBTQ, Christians, Muslims, MAGA-bons, Never Trumpers, old, young, black, white, brown… he had the entire country in his hand and…..

He said, to a GROUP of PEOPLE in an INDOOR BUILDING that are sitting in close proximity that “there are those in power that are undermining the Postal Service in an election that is going to be dependant on mailed-in ballots so people don’t get sick.”

Yes, you read that correctly. He told people in an indoor building that coming into an indoor building was hazardous to people’s health while voting. Even Dr Alveda King, niece of the great Martin Luther King Jr., took notice of the missed opportunity. She stated that she was very upset that Obama would “grab at the chance” to politicize this funeral.

He had an opportunity and he missed it. He was the one person the entire country would have followed into unity. But he chose to divide… in equal fashion as our current president. Again, I’m not judging because I’ve had plenty of missed opportunities. Just pointing out the sad reality. So here I sit, still waiting for a national voice of reason to find a way to unify and to stop driving the partisan train into Missed Opportunities.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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The Divided States of America

“I pledge no allegiance to a flag in the divided states of America, and to the republic, which is destroyed, one nation, under control where individual liberties and freedoms are gone.”

I’ve been searching for the root of what we’re seeing. I’ve seen a myriad of symptoms. The anger turned to violence. The violence turned on those who represent hate. But then the violence turned on those who were instrumental in making sure we no longer have slavery, to ensure we don’t have two separate countries… people who fought FOR justice and equality. The statues of U.S. Grant and Frederick Douglas came down… this made no sense.

We are obviously witnessing a cultural, non-violent, civil war. The country is at least as divided as it was under Obama or any other administration, for that matter. And the symptoms are in front of us. But the root isn’t. I truly think the civil unrest that hovers over our nation is due to 2 things: 1- A lack of Identity and 2- Unforgiveness.

Identity: Go back and look. In the 1960’s when LBJ responded to the Moynihan report by incentivizing single mothers to remain single, the welfare state as we know it began to take root. And along with the spike in fatherless homes came their end of the bargain- votes. And with those votes came more free housing and food. Which placed many people in a position to depend on the government and never lay claim to a land of their own. This is NOT relegated to a certain race, by the way. White and black people suffered from this.

One of the ways to tell that this is true is to listen to conversations between people who were raised by people who lived in that system. They always refer to their home as “where they STAY”. “I stay on the north side. Where do you stay?” A buddy of mine wrote a blog on it once and I almost fell out of my chair because finally someone besides me noticed it and mentioned it. The word live isn’t used. Because it would refer to ownership or heritage. And there is neither with those that grew up dependent on the government.

The more ownership you have in something, the less likely you are to want to destroy it. You feel a certain connection to that town or area. You remember the history of that area… good and bad. You revel in the good and learn from the bad. But it’s your town. Your people. I submit that those of us who have a hard time understanding how someone could burn a town down, truly try to understand those that feel displaced. With no American roots. The cultural identity is a huge step in ending the misguided anger that we’re seeing unfold. And it’s up to us to include those who feel displaced to help give them a sense of ownership and pride.

Unforgiveness: When you think of people that have done great things, you remember the greatness of who they were and often overlook the wrong they did. Take a biblical character, for example. Saul/Paul. Paul wrote most of the new testament. Very possibly the largest contributor to the longest running best-selling book in the history of the world. We benefit from the teachings on marriage. On sins. On church. On friendships. We accept all of this knowing that he massacred many Christians prior to becoming a believer himself. Why? Because we know that who he WAS is not who he IS.

Historical figures that paved the way for our country to be the greatest country in the world are a bit messy. Lincoln, Grant, Jefferson, Madison, Washington… the list goes on… ALL owned slaves. Hamilton bought and sold them for his father-in-law. But all of these men accomplished incredible things that paved the way for us to have a free market system surrounded by individual protections that make us, by far, the best country in the world.

So when one mistake is made or discovered, does that discredit any good thing they ever did? I hope not. I RARELY agree with this guy, but truly, Bill Mahar said it best when it comes to cancel culture, “Who are these perfect people that have never made any mistakes?!”

What we’re seeing is an attempt to completely discredit any good thing done by someone who has ever failed in their past. Unfortunately, that would include every single person in the history of the world… except one. And that One taught us to forgive. To look past the transgression itself and into the heart of the person and forgive. This coming from a man that knew He would be betrayed by His own people.

What was the basis of America? The very reason for creating a new country and being willing to fight for this country to the death? Freedom. Freedom from a king’s rule. Freedom from being ruled by the church. Freedom to exist and partake in individual liberties without the fear of an oppressive government dictating and mandating your every move.  

And we got there. Did they make mistakes getting there? Yes. Did America make some mistakes getting to the place we are now? Of course. But we got here. We got to a place where we are more free and more equal than ever before in our nation’s history and more than any other society anywhere in the world. On the backs of humans… who made mistakes. In order to enjoy the benefits, we must forgive the mistakes, learn from the mistakes, and then we can enjoy the successes. If we keep erasing the mistakes, we’ll forget the mistakes… and repeat them. We must figure out a way to return to the UNITED states of America- through identity and forgiveness…. you know what? Forget everything I just said. I actually think it’s sports. That’s why we’ve all gone nuts. We need sports back!!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Facts AND Feelings

I woke up yesterday morning feeling like someone had hit me across my face with a frying pan… but I hadn’t done anything physical to cause that. I woke up feeling an enormous amount of stress, weight and burden… but there were no reasons, currently, in my life to feel that way. But let me back up and explain why I woke up feeling that way.

You see, my whole life I’ve had something that some may call a blessing but I call a curse. I’m extremely observant and as a result, I’m able to insert myself into someone’s life emotionally. I can feel what they feel even if I haven’t experienced it before. I can sense what they are going through even if I have never gone through it before myself. Then it hit me, THIS is what Jesus felt like all the time.

He saw Matthew where he was. He saw Zacchaeus where he was. He saw Mary and the hurt she was dealing with. He saw the adulterer and the shame she felt. And He felt it ALL.

I’ve wrestled my whole life with the dichotomy of my analytical brain and my ability to feel.  Part of me wants to rely solely on facts. In fact, most of me wants to rely solely on facts. They are much more reliable than feelings. But there’s a part of me that can’t hide nor deny that impact of how I feel or how others feel.

The facts of the recent George Floyd case suggest a few things. Another angry man who was given power abused that power and ended the life of someone else. The facts in our country show that every man and woman in 2020 have the same opportunity to be successful. The same opportunity to get a good job. To go to college.

The facts show that, according to Larry Elder, Coleman Hughes, and Thomas Sowell, the number one problem in America, both black and white, is fatherless homes. That the incentives put in place in the 60’s to receive government assistance as long as there is no man in the home, single-handedly caused a spike in fatherless homes. Bringing that number from 25% of black children born in fatherless homes in the 60’s to 75% today. Bringing that number from 8% of white children born to fatherless homes to 25% today.

The facts show that the cop who held his knee down on Floyd wrongfully was abruptly fired the next day and approximately 2 days later was arrested. The exact protocol for anyone in occupations where fatalities are a regular part of the job-EMT, police, fire fighter, military. But STILL, there were protests, riots, and looting. There was still anger. There was still extreme pain. But why? The man that did wrong was held accountable. None of this made any sense to my analytical brain. But I still woke up FEELING the way I did. How is that?

A couple of years ago, my wife once told me how she was feeling about certain people in our life. I just knew that her feeling was wrong and unfounded. And my first reaction was to sling facts at her to prove my point. To be right (BTW- in marriage, a man can be happy or he can be right, but he can’t be both. Ha!). She didn’t feel any better. The primary reason was because I hadn’t listened to her. I heard her speak but I didn’t listen. There’s a difference. Once I stopped trying to be right and LISTENED, We got somewhere. Something else happened, I found that, in a way, she was right. So my facts were subjected to the WHOLE truth, which included feelings.

So what does that mean to us? No matter the race, the gender, the occupation, the whole story will always consist of two parts… FACTS AND FEELINGS. You really can’t have one without the other. I’m a big fan of the statement, “Facts don’t care about your feelings”, but I do! It’s true, facts are just facts. But I care about your feelings. It’s part of the story… part of your story.

The emotion of what happened to many black people’s grandparents is still very real. The feeling of what happened to young black men growing up is very real. Should we all be following the law and doing as law enforcement says when approached? Of course. But no one deserves to die over small issues and when something like that happens, it’s like the entire country takes a huge step backwards. The emotion of our nation’s past rises up… then we’re left with a decision. Start throwing facts… or start listening.

From watching all of the peaceful protests closely, I can tell you there was a theme. LISTEN. They want to be heard. I can also tell you from being married there’s a theme… LISTEN… she wants to be heard.

I’ve found that if I will just listen first and react or respond after, truly listen, I will have a much more compassionate response to what I’m hearing from my wife. And as a result, she will be quicker to hear me out. This applies to all walks of life. “It’s not what you’re saying, it’s how you’re saying it!” I’ve heard that a lot from my wife.

So as I woke up yesterday feeling the weight of the world, I finally realized why. I’m feeling all of the people that just want to be heard, peacefully. If there was ever a time to listen first and respond later, it’s 2020. The whole story cannot be told by facts alone. Feelings are valid and help tell the whole story. Every black person I know cares about white lives. Every white person I know cares about black lives. For the first time, I stopped slinging facts and listened. I then realized that “Black Lives Matter” meant that they want to be heard. No one will listen to your facts until you’ve listened to their feelings. I challenge you to start listening to someone that doesn’t look like you. Sit down for a coffee, a meal, and listen to what they have to say with an open mind. It’s the only way we bridge the gap that clearly exists.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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What Is Your Why?

This isn’t a new concept. I didn’t coin the phrase. But the conversation still needs to be had. We still need to be transparent about our why. This is particularly difficult for men. Men “don’t need nobody’s help!” Expressing why we do what we do or why we are who we are means expressing how we feel… and, well, we just can’t be doing that. We may have to turn in our man card. But what if it wasn’t all mushy and sensitive? What if it was real, meat-and-taters kind of stuff? Would we be good with it then?

I referee high school and college basketball. Years ago, I began to strike up a friendship with someone I had known, but up until now, not this closely. We’ll call him “Jeff”. He was very successful. He knew I looked up to him in the officiating community. He agreed to mentor me and invest in me to be a better referee. One day I call him up, very frustrated. I told him I needed to meet with him. He agreed to meet. I began telling him how frustrated I would get when I went to my high school assignments. I was mainly frustrated with the fact that many refs didn’t seem to want to get better. Quite a few were not very good and it didn’t seem to matter. No one seemed to care.

Jeff could sense that I had poured myself in to this profession and did everything I could to be better than the game before. But those around me at the high school level didn’t seem to have the same desire. He began to ask me questions about these refs. “When was the last time you asked these refs about their lives. Where they work. Are they married? Any kids?” I did not see his point at first. To those that know me, this isn’t coming as a shock. He told me to start asking these questions when I was in the locker room before a game. He then told me to get the first name of the bookkeeper and the first name of the clock keeper of every game I officiated. He assured me these things would help my games go smoother and my frustration would decrease significantly.

I could not, for the life of me, figure out why it mattered whether they were married or not and what it had to do with being a good ref. Not knowing why, and thinking he sounded a little crazy, I did what he suggested anyway. And when I did, everything changed. EVERYTHING.

Each game, as I sat down in the locker room with the other refs, I began to ask these questions. And each time, I began to learn more about them. I began to become closer friends with them. I began to like them more. Understand them more. Then when they made a bad call, it wasn’t a big deal anymore. Because I understood who they were. And it superseded what they were doing on the court. I also started getting the names of the bookkeeper and clock keeper and my games started getting smoother and smoother. Why would it matter that I call them by first name? Because when I needed them and called them by their first name, there was an immediate friendship/relationship and they quickly wanted to help me… because we were friends now. It was about the relationship.

I became friends with another ref during all of this. We’ll call him “Josh”. I told him about the paradigm shift I had. He just chuckled at me. One night, I had a game with Josh and he had a family medical emergency. He had just begun working for the assigner and called me to ask what to do. I advised him that the assigner was a good guy and would understand and to call him right away. I went to the game with the replacement ref. Afterwards, on my way home, I called Josh to ask how everything was. He told me his situation was going to be fine. He thanked me for asking then said, “You really are taking this new approach seriously!” I told him that if I’m learning anything, it’s that officiating isn’t about just the sport. In fact, it isn’t primarily about the sport. It’s about the relationships. It’s about the camaraderie. It’s about being in a battle and the only friends you have are the ones with the stripes on. He and I became better friends after that.

So my “why” began to get clearer. Why do I officiate? Why would anyone sign up to be yelled at, belittled and berated on a nightly basis? The answer is simple, the relationships. Someone asked me why I started writing blogs. I felt it was something God told me to do. My wife concurred with that belief.  She would push me to write when I didn’t want to. The last blog I wrote, I put on to social media and it got ONE… 1 like. So why would I keep writing? The relationship I have with God. It’s about his people. Not how good or bad I may write. I may write a terrible blog, and those around me know me. They understand who I am and, all of the sudden, it isn’t a big deal that I suck at writing. Okay, maybe I don’t suck all the time. Haha.

I’ll leave you with this. The story of Jesus going up to pray right before he was arrested is an interesting one. This is where we see the true story. Jesus asked God to find another way. He asked God if there was any other way, let’s do that! He quickly got His answer. So what was Jesus’ why? His relationship with His Father. The proper perceptive here is this: Jesus didn’t die for us. Jesus died because of His love and obedience for His Father and because of that, we are saved. The real “why” in this story is the relationship. What’s your “why”? Why do you do the things you do? What drives you to be who you are? Are you satisfied with that person? When you really learn your why, chances are it will be connected to a relationship. And when you do define your why, buckle up. Because everything changes… for the better.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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How Many Loaves Do You Have?

Here we are. Everything we hold in high esteem has been silenced. NBA, NHL, MLB, concerts, movies… the list goes on. There have been many theories about how we got here. Understanding that is as important as understanding where we are, where we are going, and how we’re going to get there.

After watching an interview of Dallas Jenkins, Director of The Chosen, I was struck by the story of the feeding of the 5,000. I’m not actually sure it was 5,000… seems to have been more. In one version, it was reported there were 5,000 men- not including women and children. So, no one really knows how many there were. But in this case, how they got there was as important as the rest of the story (Mark 6:30 and Matthew 14:13).

See, Jesus had been teaching and healing. He went non-stop for hours. Mark 6:31 says “Because there were so many people coming and going, they did not have a chance to eat…” Jesus CREATED the problem. He created the NEED. He put them in a place where only a miracle would solve the problem. He left them in a place where they could only look to God and nothing else. This happens to us in the 21st century when we don’t humble ourselves. He then has to bring us to a place where we’re reminded that we need Him. But He desires that we get there ourselves so He doesn’t have to. I’m a dad. I don’t want to humble my children. It’s not fun…at all. I desire that they keep themselves humble and on the right track. But it’s not always that simple.

After Jesus created the need, the disciples also noticed that the crowd needed to eat and asked Jesus to send them away. Everyone was tired. Jesus said, “how many loaves do you have?” He knew the answer. He wanted them to watch God in all of His glory.

I’m not saying that this virus was sent by God. But it wouldn’t surprise me. As in John 9:1-3, Sometimes things just happen in order for the works of God to be displayed in us. This happened all through scripture. So I ask, how many loaves do you have? What do you have to offer? You may think you can’t get through this. You may have lost your job. You may be afraid of losing your house. But God may be looking to display His glory through you. How many loaves do you have?

For some it may be finances. But for others it may be talents. It may be serving. It may be feeding. For some, God may want to deal with a part of your character. This will, in turn, help those around you. Ask me how I know. Everyone has something they can do and something they can give. Something they can do to serve. Even if it’s just an encouragement through zoom. You have a loaf…you have a few loaves. You may not realize it until you begin looking for the need in others. When you get outside your own need, you find that others have needs that you can fill. You begin to see the works of God displayed in you. So… how many loaves do you have?

You may read this and say, “But I don’t have anything” or “I don’t have enough”. God knows better. God doesn’t need you to feed 5,000. He needs you to bring the loaves you have. He’ll take what the enemy meant for evil and turn it for good. But He still needs you to bring the loaves you do have. What do I mean by this? Humble yourself before God. Speak directly to Him, out loud, in humility. Ask Him what He would have you do in this time. Be prepared for the answer. It’s not going to sound the way you thought it would. All throughout the Bible, we learn that if you want something, you give it. If you want love, give love. If you want mercy, give mercy. If you’re worried about your finances, your physical health… give. Don’t worry about tomorrow. Don’t worry about what you don’t have or aren’t going to have. Bring whatever loaves you have… Then watch Him feed 5,000+!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Remember

The country is at a stand still over the corona virus. We all see it. It’s not hard not to be worried or anxious. Some in the middle Tennessee area have been ransacked by the tornadoes and are still in the middle of finding a new normal. How do we move forward? By looking back. By remembering.

I remember… I was still fairly new to our community of Hermitage, TN in the early 90’s. We had just moved there. My best childhood friend and his mom (and brother) moved to Tennessee from Louisiana at the same time we did, which was also right after his dad passed away. They followed my dad here, who was their pastor. Then came the call. This friend decided to play Russian roulette and the gun fired. I rushed to the hospital. They were working to keep him alive. The doctor came out at one point to say he was responding and may pull through. Soon after, he returned with news that I didn’t want to hear about my 14-year-old friend. He was gone.

I remember… at the funeral, a large number of people from our school showed up in support. Then all of the sudden, something very unexpected happened. I was surrounded by these people that I didn’t know very well because they knew I had grown up with him. I remember all of the outpouring of community definitely surprised me and allowed me to cope much better. I still wasn’t sure how I’d keep going… but I did.

I remember… developing a friendship with a guy soon after My childhood friend’s death who had just moved here from Indiana. We were instant best friends. Stayed close all through high school and after school. He married and moved to Arkansas. We were on the phone one Saturday talking about his plans to move back to Tennessee. We talked about how we both had small children who hadn’t met each other yet and we were going to raise them like cousins. He was starting a business and wanted me to work for him. The following Tuesday, all of those plans ended on interstate 40 in Arkansas. Again, I wasn’t sure how I’d keep going… but I did. I remember all of the calls I received.

Now I’ve survived various flu pandemics, Y2k, being a sports referee and being a girl dad. Pretty tough things. And now I’m staring at, yet again, another obstacle that scares the masses. But one thing I’ve learned about obstacles, no matter the situation… every. Single. Time. God uses it to bring people closer to Him, to each other and we are all stronger on the other side. Every Time.

This situation is no different. When the dust settles on the mass threat of the corona virus, people will be closer to each other. Already, people are publicly praying that wouldn’t normally be praying. People are turning to God in a very similar fashion as that of 9-11-01. But what if you’ve done all you can and something else hits? I feel like I’d be prepared. But I’m really not sure.

You’ve managed to miss being hit by the tornadoes in Tennessee. Then comes the corona virus. You take precautions and manage to miss being hit by that too. Chances are, you’ve also missed catching the various flu pandemics throughout our nation’s history. You’re in the shape of your life… only to find out you have Lymphoma cancer. How do you fight? I don’t know, but my close friend will fight… and I’m going to learn from him. I’m going to learn how to face all of these seemingly insurmountable odds and overcome. I’m going to learn about the “quality of life” many have spoken about. I’m also going to learn more about community. About how your community wraps its arms around you and gives you hope and a reason to push through. And one day, I’m going to look back and remember these moments and see what he came through… and subsequently, what I’m capable of.

Here’s the thing, with each trial, there’s always a new normal. A new normal that brings a stronger community unit. A new normal that brings a new sense of hope. Every time there’s a trial, God shows up. In each of my difficult times in life, He showed up in some way, every single time. It wasn’t some angel flying down from a cloud playing a harp in a toga outfit. It was JESUS IN PEOPLE.

I can’t convince you to not worry about this. But I can remind you that you’ve faced tougher things before and you’re still here. I can remind you that on 9-12-01, there were no republicans or democrats. There were no black or white people, just Americans. People were quick to extend a hand to a fellow American. We are in similar times. Remember what you’ve come through. Remember how you were stronger afterwards. Remember what you’ve accomplished. REMEMBER, you have overcome before…don’t stop now. Don’t lose sight of community. Don’t let fear own you. Don’t let what you see dictate what you do. But let who you know dictate what you do… and REMEMBER.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Parenting: Persistence and Practical Application (Part 2)

We discussed perspectives and pitfalls in part 1. Now let’s look at some persistence and practical applications. Here are ten (10) things we can do as parents to truly prepare our child to be ready for the world and for you to have a peaceful home along the way:

1-Currency. I didn’t really spank my kids much. Obviously, I firmly believe in it, but they’re girls and I knew my anger/temper and didn’t want to hurt them physically. What I did was make sure that the consequence hurt. Whatever they were being punished for was going to hurt so they wouldn’t forget it. I found their “currency” at the time and removed it. Whatever is important to them, it’s gone when they don’t listen the first time. I made my daughter sit by me as a punishment because she loves to be active and moving. So I made her sit still. I also didn’t let her complain about what she didn’t like. I let her know there’s a consequence for that too. As a result, she sat still and quiet. She did so for 20 minutes solid without a peep one day as a 4-year-old. Then she didn’t repeat the mistake. She learned. I did that without ever raising my voice once.

2- Don’t let your children work you against each other. Always come with a united front, even if you’re arguing about something or don’t even like the spouse. They will smell a weak union and attack. It’s in a child’s nature. If a child asks for something and one parent says no, if that child asks the other parent, the answer should automatically be no, regardless of what they’re asking for and an additional punishment should be handed down. That will stop and there will be peace in your home. Otherwise, you’re asking for chaos.

3- Obedience should come before love. Know that you’re in control. He/She is a child. He needs to obey first and then his life will be more fun. He can love on you AFTER he has obeyed you. That’s something all kids do. They start loving and hugging to get out of obeying. “but mom, I love you!” your response should be “if you love me, then obey me.” Remember that a child is learning from every single thing you do, don’t do, say and don’t say. They learn from EVERYTHING.

4- Teach them to fear you. The Bible talks about something called “Righteous fear” or “Holy fear”. It’s real and it needs to be in every child. They need to have a healthy/righteous fear of the adults in their life. The way you know if he fears you is if you tell him to do something- pick something up- and he does it the first time, he fears you. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t believe you’re going to follow through with your threats. Therefore, he doesn’t fear you. That has to change. Because one day he’s going to try that on a teacher or law enforcement and it won’t go well.

5- Never give a toddler what he/she cries for. Make them stop crying then ask politely with a smile on their face. The moment you give a child something because they cried for it, they learn that this is how you get what you want.

6- Restore peace by limiting the number of responses to a “No”. Also teach the child that if the answer is no, there are certain responses that are unacceptable. I tell my kids, “Your adversity can’t define you. But your response to it WILL!” I also limit the number of “But…”. I tell them if they ask one more time, there will be consequence. Guess what happens, peace is restored.

7- Always have 2 sets of punishments ready for a teenager. One for if they tell truth and the other if they lie. They should always be positively reinforced for telling the truth and the punishment should be lighter. This will encourage them to bring you the truth every time. Also, the only way to keep an open door of communication with a teenager is to assure them that no matter what they bring you, that you won’t get angry and blow up. But rather that you’ll sit down and talk it through. If they know they can talk to you and tell you they drank alcohol at a party the other night without you getting angry and just talking to them about it, they will bring it to you. If you blow up and get angry, they’ll never bring another thing to you. There has to be a level of trust both ways.

8- Everything belongs to you. With teenagers, the sooner you establish the expectation that everything in the house belongs to you, whether they bought it or not, the more peaceful your time will be. Teenagers have to be saved from themselves and reminded daily that they are not grown. If you want their phone, it’s yours. If you want their room, it’s yours. That expectation will make your life as a parent much easier.

9- Don’t sugar coat life for them. Let them see the good and not so good. Keep an open dialogue about these things. If everything is always taboo, they’re going to go and try to find out why it’s so taboo. If you’ve already discussed it and gave them examples of the consequences, they are much less likely to fall in the same trap.

10- Make a point to teach him/her how to act in public. Let him know that there are different standards for home and public places like church and restaurants. Your job is to teach. Prepare him for life after high school. I’m sure your kid is a good kid, but he won’t be for long if he is allowed to do anything he wants without consistent consequence. My mom always said she didn’t want to raise a kid no one wants to be around. If we implement obedience habits now, the rest of their life, their relationships with teachers, law enforcement, professors, spouses, children, bosses and God, will be much smoother and healthier.

I know- it’s a lot. And it’s much easier said than done. But, unfortunately, at the end of the day, when it comes to parenting, a lot more is said than done. Begin to view your children as God’s treasure that is in your care to prepare for the world we live in. That perspective will make this journey more fulfilling. Don’t lose heart. Don’t give up. Surround yourself with parents that you want to be like and other parents that are in a similar stage of life as you. And remember, there are perfect parents out there… they just don’t have kids yet.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Parenting: Perspectives and Pitfalls (Part 1)

All of us believe we are good parents. And to a degree, we are all right about that. We are doing the best we can. We’re doing the best with what we know. But what if we could know more? What if we admitted we weren’t the perfect parent? Is there room to learn? If so, then let’s see what we can learn here…

One thing I see a lot of, these days, is many parents have a few troubling characteristics:

  • They are afraid to let their child get hurt by anything, ever.
  • They give them enormous amounts of decision-making way too early.
  • They don’t instruct with love AND discipline. It’s usually either love OR discipline. Kids need both, together.
  • They also try too hard to be their kids’ friends.
  • I also see parents make their child their WHOLE WORLD. As a result, we have kids that grow up thinking the world revolves around them. Then they’re forced to enter the real world and find out that it’s nothing like what mom and dad said it was going to be.          

First, we have to work on perspective. Recently, I saw a post on Facebook of this cartoon picture of a kid asking the meaning of life and the mother saying “you”. While I get the idea that the child is so precious and awesome, and it was a cute picture, the reality is that isn’t even close to the truth. The meaning of life has nothing to do with children. It’s simple. To have an ongoing relationship with God through Jesus. Nothing more, nothing less. But how do children fit in to that? That’s where proper perspective comes in. They. Are. Not. Ours. Our children DO NOT belong to us. They are God’s. We are just to be good stewards of them and prepare them to launch into the world to have their own relationship with God through Jesus. Not to be their friend. Ever. Here’s why that’s important.

One of the best things you can ever do for a child is make him/her 3rd in your life. (God, spouse, children, in that order- refer to a previous blog called “Relationship Priorities” for details on that). He needs to know that he’s not that important. ALL children need to know that.

Another reason this perspective is important is that if you understand that the child is not yours, then you don’t feel the need to elevate him higher in priority than he should be. That this is temporary. That he’s going to be out in the world and you’re going to hope you did enough to prepare him for the crazy world we live in. That he shouldn’t feel the pressure of being #1 in your life. He/She should be allowed to be 3rd.

Another reason this perspective is important: if you come to an understanding that your child belongs to God and that you are merely being a good steward of God’s child, preparing him to launch in to a world where he has his own relationship with God through Jesus, then it causes you to want to have the best relationship with God that you can. Because his relationship with God is going to look exactly like yours, whatever that means. Good, bad or absent. Also, side note, his view of God will be his view of his dad (or father figure). If his dad (or father figure) is loving, the child’s view of God will be loving. If he’s negligent, his view will be that God is absent and negligent.

Decision making should increase with age and maturity. Letting a 4-year-old determine where you go to church or eat is sending a terrible signal. Letting a child not eat dinner then eat whatever they want from the fridge, another terrible signal. My options were, eat what mom cooked or starve. If you’ve seen me, you know I didn’t starve. Haha. By the way, kids can go to bed hungry. It won’t kill them. They can also fall down and scrape their knees. It’s ok. It builds their immune system. We have too many parents putting their kids in bubble wrap so they don’t get hurt by anything. Let them get hurt. It makes them stronger. More about decision making…

At age 14, you can’t drive a car at all. At age 15, you can but not alone. At age 16, you can drive alone but you can’t vote. At age 18, you can vote but you can’t buy a glass of wine. At age 21, you can buy a glass of wine, but you can’t rent a car. At age 25 you can rent a car. Even the federal and state governments, who rarely get things right, understand that with age comes more decision making, freedom and responsibility. With each birthday, let your child make decisions on something new. But remember, your job is to make decisions for them when they clearly can’t make good ones on their own.

A child needs to know that what he wants isn’t that important. Not nearly as important as his obedience. He needs to know that. The only thing that is important is obedience to you and the adults with authority in his life. You speak, he listens. If he doesn’t listen the first time, there’s an immediate consequence. Every time. Quick story about that.

Someone I knew of years ago had a kid that never listened until she got in his face and yelled for the 10th time. One day, he goes after a ball that went into the street. She yelled from the front porch to come back. Naturally, because he never listened before, he didn’t listen this time either. The boy ran in to the street and got hit by a car. He was 9. It wrecked her because she knew it was because she never made him listen the first time. Every child needs to be taught to listen the very first time. It’s hard and requires intense consistency, but it’s imperative.

Unfortunately, the single mother epidemic is another struggle in parenting and the struggle is real. From a single mother’s perspective, this is tough. Because the dad is supposed to teach him to listen and correct him when he doesn’t, and the mom is supposed to console him while reiterating and reinforcing what the dad just taught. But a single mom sometimes has to be both. Believe me, I’m fully convinced that single moms have a special place in heaven and will jump to the front of the line in the awesome stuff heaven will have to offer.  One thing about all children is, they want instructions and boundaries. But they’ll never be able to tell you that. But the core of who they are loves the safety in boundaries. We have to set those. That’s what we’ll discuss in part 2 of this blog.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Lenses

What kind of lens are you looking at the world through? Chances are you’re looking through the lens of your experience. Through the lens of your personal preferences. Maybe even through the lens someone told you to look through. But what if we looked through an objective lens… rather than a subjective lens… what would happen?

Each day, I’m a bit more troubled by the level of blind passion that we treat our fellow brothers and sisters with. “I’m on a team- my team is right, even when it’s wrong. If you’re not on my team, I hate you.” I’ll never forget walking into a Burger King in central Kentucky. It’s a Sunday night. There are only 4 people there, well into their 50’s, maybe 60’s. They are all talking, almost over each other in the excitement of their conversation. They’re all smiling. Until they see me. I happened to be wearing an LSU sweatshirt that night. The conversation came to an abrupt halt and they all just stared at me like I’d just ran over their dog. I remember thinking, this must be what black people felt like in the 60’s. I remember being appalled that they would show such disdain for a fellow human just because of a sweatshirt with a college from a different state.

They were looking at life through a blue lens (Kentucky blue). All they saw was that I wasn’t wearing their color blue. Never mind that I could wear red, white, and blue and all of the sudden we’d all be on the same team.

The 2020 Super Bowl produced its same level of predictable controversy. Someone is going to get upset at something and blow it way out of proportion. The exact same women that were grabbing napkins off of the snack table to wipe their mouths at Adam Levine shirtless just one year before, were now, all of the sudden, offended. They’re looking at the world through a few types of lenses. The lens of jealousy may be one. They know they don’t measure up so they attack. Another lens may be the good ole double standard. “It’s ok for me to drool over Adam Levine but my husband better not even glance at J-Lo!”

Then there were the men that pretended to be offended by it so they didn’t have to sleep on the couch that night. For those that say, “it was not a family friendly event”, I can’t disagree. But if that’s going to be the stance, then we need to redefine the dress code of every water park and every concert. Because I’ve seen more at those events than I did on the super bowl. I’m not defending pole dancing. I’m just saying that we are looking through clouded lenses.

The State of The Union speech. Here we have the most powerful man in the world speaking on behalf of the most powerful country in the world. This is one place we should be unified. But no. The minute it was over, the country suited up and took their sides, ready to battle for their team. The first team struck…

“What a classless witch Pelosi is for ripping the speech up!” This team decided that for this one moment, Pelosi has to be civil. The rumor is that President Trump handed her a speech with the pages in the wrong order. I’m not sure if that’s true, but if it is… that’s Hilarious! But the same people that are tearing into Pelosi are the same people that were completely silent when Trump mocked a dead congressman, US Rep Dingell. The same people that are silent when Trump tweets the dumbest things on earth. When he brags senselessly and sounds like a ruthless, coarse, businessman… these people are silent. But let’s go crazy on some papers that get ripped. I personally found it funny.

Another lens is “Never Trump!” If Trump announced he found the cure to cancer, they’d scream “How dare you take away the jobs of the Sarah Cannon Cancer center!” The man simply can do no right. These same people were silent as Maxine Waters called for violence against Trump’s cabinet members. Deafening silent when the House clearly made sure there was no chance of a fair hearing. Created walls to block the chance of hearing the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help them God. Then they wondered why the other side didn’t play fair in the Senate trial. Where were the people that despised Trump for an alleged interference in Ukraine… when all this unfairness was taking place? Looking through a lens that is fogged with blind allegiance.

Here’s what I’m getting to: If we can SOMEHOW get to a place where we are looking at life, the world, our country and our fellow Americans through an OBJECTIVE lens, we may just see that there is more to agree on than fight about.

If we decide that mocking a dead congressman AND ripping a speech up is classless, we may just get somewhere. If we decide that dancing in little clothing AND wearing bikinis to water parks are ok OR NEITHER is ok… then we get somewhere. I’m not saying one is more right than the other. I’m saying decide what is right and wrong for you and stick with that, regardless of who does or says it.

It’s when we keep seeing life through these clouded lenses that we don’t really see the world for what it is. We don’t see that the person that votes for the other team is actually a pretty good person. That the person that loved the halftime show may have just loved the art.  Personally, I didn’t care for the halftime show, but not because of what they were wearing. To me, it didn’t matter what they were wearing- it wasn’t going to make that music sound any better. I just didn’t care for the music. But that’s just my humble opinion.

Objective lenses help focus light to produce a real image. They don’t block the image, they show what the REAL image is. So let’s see if we can take the glasses off that have foggy lenses and put some on that have clear, objective lenses that allow us to see the beauty in the world. Give it a shot… I dare you!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Who Do You Know?

I’m standing there with a group of friends and one says to another, “do you know Jim Smith?” Chris answered yes. Mike then asked, “where is he from?” Chris didn’t know. “Is he married?” Chris still didn’t know. “Does he have kids?” Again, Chris had no idea. Mike said, “I guess you don’t know him really well, do you? Haha!” (I changed all the names to protect the innocent). But this is exactly what WE do. Let me explain.

When I met Jennifer, there was a time shortly after when I wanted to know more about her. I wanted to know her better. So we became friends. I called her on the phone and we talked for hours. Sometimes 3 or 4 hours at a time. She’d call me and we’d talk for hours again. I began wanting to know what she was like. What type of things she liked. I began reading her social media posts. I began asking people who knew her to tell me more about her. All of this and we were just friends. We had no romantic feelings at all towards each other. Just friends. But I had to know her. Not just know about her. And I wouldn’t be able to tell anyone I was her friend if I couldn’t tell them some things about her. Where she was from. Where she worked… something.

Right now, if someone said, “Do you know Jason Grainger?”, if you said yes, how much information would you be able to give them? Where is he from? Where did he go to school? What does he do now? Does he have children? And the only way you find that information is by either asking people who know him and trusting they’ll give you a truthful answer or reading about him or asking him yourself.

This is precisely where most Americans get it wrong. We say, “I’m a Christian” or “I believe in Jesus.” But do we really? Or are we saying that because we kind of believe in something greater and don’t want people to judge us for not really knowing much about God or any of that spiritual nonsense?

See, if you claim, AT ALL, that you are either Christian or “believe in Jesus”, then this means you have, at least, a basic knowledge of who He says He is. And if that’s the case, this would lead you to want to know more about this man. I mean, who are you casually professing to know? Supposedly this guy allowed Himself to be murdered so you and I could live. Kind of a big deal.

I’m firmly of the belief that you CANNOT possibly claim, in any context, that you believe in Jesus, but you don’t pursue Him. Anyone that you want to know, you pursue. You read about them. Ask others about them. I tell my kids all the time that who they are is completely wrapped up in who God says they are. But the only way they find out what He says is to read about Him and what He said about us.

“But I don’t need anyone to tell me who Jesus is. I have my own belief in who He is to me!” This is said quite often. The problem is, it couldn’t be further from the truth. The reason? He was a LIVING MAN. Not a fairy tale creature in a children’s book. He lived, walked among us, and left people around Him in awe at the things He did and said. That’s like saying, “I have my own belief about who Michael Jordan is to me.” But knowing absolutely nothing about basketball or the Chicago Bulls. If I can’t tell you that he played for the Chicago Bulls or that he played for North Carolina, then my “belief system” is empty, useless and thereby wrong! I have to read about Jordan. Watch his old games. Ask people that knew about him. We don’t get to have an interpretation about facts. They’re just facts. But we do get to learn about those facts.

So here’s my challenge to us. Learn who Jesus is and was. Read everything you can get your hands on. Find out what types of things he liked and disliked. Where did He like to go? Who did He like to hang out with? What kind of promises did He make? Who was His mother? What was she like?

The only way that’s going to happen is to get around other people who are in pursuit of the greatest speaker, doctor, leader of all time. It’s going to require us to go to places where other people are talking about this man. Its going to require that we read books, articles, listen to podcasts, watch video clips. So we can learn everything we can about Him.

I’m not saying for one minute to turn yourself into a religious nut. Quite the opposite. I’m a huge sports fan. Huge fan of good music. I’m simply saying that if I’m going to say He’s someone I know, I better have done my homework.

At this point, there are times when Jennifer gives me a look and I know what she’s thinking. Just the other night she gave this look and I said, “you don’t want to fix anything for dinner and would rather go somewhere, wouldn’t you?” She just smiled. I know what she’s going to say, sometimes, before she says it. That’s because I’ve learned her nature. I’ve learned what she likes and dislikes. I know Jennifer Grainger!

If someone asks you about Jesus, what will be your response? Could you imagine someone calling you their friend but every time you call, they never answer or reply to a text? You’d probably think they weren’t a very good friend. And maybe they need to stop calling you their friend. They’re not a good friend at all. This is what I’d think if I was Jesus. He’s tried to reach out to us and we refuse to pursue a friendship with Him. We pretend to know Him in front of other people because it’s socially acceptable, but we really know nothing about Him.  

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. But it’s a good place to start learning about this man you claim to believe in. Just start. Move in a forward direction. Start now. Learn everything you can. It will literally change your life.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger