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The 4 L’s

In December of 2015, the New York Times released an article after following a group of 85-year-old people for a year. What they concluded was that it was certain what mattered to them was laughter. They spent “no wasted time on anger and worry.” They were quoted as saying “with old age, I listen a little more.”

What did matter to them was The 4 L’s: Life, Laughter, Listening, and Love. Notice what did not matter to them; none mentioned a thing about current events, politics, donkeys or elephants. Only life, laughter, listening, and love. 

I’ve learned that I have no control over what someone does in the White House. I have no control over what they do in the Tennessee capital. I have no control over what happens in the Sumner County sessions. The closest thing I have to control is a vote. And I use that to the best of my ability. After that, it’s out of my control. 

Think back before covid. Who did you go to concerts with? Who did you have dinner with? Who did you hang out with, double dates, play dates with kids? Remember when it didn’t matter how they voted? 

What’s changed? Boredom and Social media. And a lack of pursuit of the things that matter. We’ve turned our focus away from the friends that make us laugh at dinner and decided they’re no longer dinner-worthy because they dislike Trump. Or they’re no longer someone you want to go to a concert with anymore simply because they don’t like Biden. Think about it, do these politicians know who you are? Do they care? Debatable.

Boredom. Covid put us in a place where we were in search of something to do. People were playing the stock market that had never done so before. There were no sports. This was the closest thing to it. 

One thing that is stoking opinionated fires needlessly that not many are mentioning is social media. Social media has unintentionally, yet successfully driven a wedge in our relationships while trying to bring them closer together. How could that be? 

Originally, it was meant to bring people together. Family that didn’t live close by could keep in touch. People would be positively reaffirmed with “likes”. But it was free. They had to make money. So the social media platforms sold data on what people were clicking on and watching- the algorithm. In order for them to make money, you had to stay on your phone. In order for that to happen, they put things in front of you they knew you’d like and agree with. Algorithms again. 

You kept feeding their data machine and they kept sending you things you liked and agreed with. The more you watched, the more money they made. Little did they, or you, know that the things they were putting in your face were creating total political polarization. 

So now we’re willing to lose friends, people we’ve been doing life with, over things we can’t control. That’s how ridiculous this has gotten. It’s gotten so out of control that an idea about something you have no control over, an opinion, is driving wedges in families, friends, communities. 

There has to be a point when we realize it’s just not worth it. That whether I back the blue or believe Black Lives Matter, or manage to believe both has no effect on the years of closeness I’ve had with someone prior to this social media experiment. 

I seriously doubt we’ll be 85 saying “I’m so happy I ended that 20-year friendship over my opinion on a police department in Wisconsin.” That just won’t happen. We’ll wake up with so much regret we won’t be able to function. We must get to a place where we focus on what matters: Life, Laughing, Listening, and Love.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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What Is Your Why?

This isn’t a new concept. I didn’t coin the phrase. But the conversation still needs to be had. We still need to be transparent about our why. This is particularly difficult for men. Men “don’t need nobody’s help!” Expressing why we do what we do or why we are who we are means expressing how we feel… and, well, we just can’t be doing that. We may have to turn in our man card. But what if it wasn’t all mushy and sensitive? What if it was real, meat-and-taters kind of stuff? Would we be good with it then?

I referee high school and college basketball. Years ago, I began to strike up a friendship with someone I had known, but up until now, not this closely. We’ll call him “Jeff”. He was very successful. He knew I looked up to him in the officiating community. He agreed to mentor me and invest in me to be a better referee. One day I call him up, very frustrated. I told him I needed to meet with him. He agreed to meet. I began telling him how frustrated I would get when I went to my high school assignments. I was mainly frustrated with the fact that many refs didn’t seem to want to get better. Quite a few were not very good and it didn’t seem to matter. No one seemed to care.

Jeff could sense that I had poured myself in to this profession and did everything I could to be better than the game before. But those around me at the high school level didn’t seem to have the same desire. He began to ask me questions about these refs. “When was the last time you asked these refs about their lives. Where they work. Are they married? Any kids?” I did not see his point at first. To those that know me, this isn’t coming as a shock. He told me to start asking these questions when I was in the locker room before a game. He then told me to get the first name of the bookkeeper and the first name of the clock keeper of every game I officiated. He assured me these things would help my games go smoother and my frustration would decrease significantly.

I could not, for the life of me, figure out why it mattered whether they were married or not and what it had to do with being a good ref. Not knowing why, and thinking he sounded a little crazy, I did what he suggested anyway. And when I did, everything changed. EVERYTHING.

Each game, as I sat down in the locker room with the other refs, I began to ask these questions. And each time, I began to learn more about them. I began to become closer friends with them. I began to like them more. Understand them more. Then when they made a bad call, it wasn’t a big deal anymore. Because I understood who they were. And it superseded what they were doing on the court. I also started getting the names of the bookkeeper and clock keeper and my games started getting smoother and smoother. Why would it matter that I call them by first name? Because when I needed them and called them by their first name, there was an immediate friendship/relationship and they quickly wanted to help me… because we were friends now. It was about the relationship.

I became friends with another ref during all of this. We’ll call him “Josh”. I told him about the paradigm shift I had. He just chuckled at me. One night, I had a game with Josh and he had a family medical emergency. He had just begun working for the assigner and called me to ask what to do. I advised him that the assigner was a good guy and would understand and to call him right away. I went to the game with the replacement ref. Afterwards, on my way home, I called Josh to ask how everything was. He told me his situation was going to be fine. He thanked me for asking then said, “You really are taking this new approach seriously!” I told him that if I’m learning anything, it’s that officiating isn’t about just the sport. In fact, it isn’t primarily about the sport. It’s about the relationships. It’s about the camaraderie. It’s about being in a battle and the only friends you have are the ones with the stripes on. He and I became better friends after that.

So my “why” began to get clearer. Why do I officiate? Why would anyone sign up to be yelled at, belittled and berated on a nightly basis? The answer is simple, the relationships. Someone asked me why I started writing blogs. I felt it was something God told me to do. My wife concurred with that belief.  She would push me to write when I didn’t want to. The last blog I wrote, I put on to social media and it got ONE… 1 like. So why would I keep writing? The relationship I have with God. It’s about his people. Not how good or bad I may write. I may write a terrible blog, and those around me know me. They understand who I am and, all of the sudden, it isn’t a big deal that I suck at writing. Okay, maybe I don’t suck all the time. Haha.

I’ll leave you with this. The story of Jesus going up to pray right before he was arrested is an interesting one. This is where we see the true story. Jesus asked God to find another way. He asked God if there was any other way, let’s do that! He quickly got His answer. So what was Jesus’ why? His relationship with His Father. The proper perceptive here is this: Jesus didn’t die for us. Jesus died because of His love and obedience for His Father and because of that, we are saved. The real “why” in this story is the relationship. What’s your “why”? Why do you do the things you do? What drives you to be who you are? Are you satisfied with that person? When you really learn your why, chances are it will be connected to a relationship. And when you do define your why, buckle up. Because everything changes… for the better.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger