This isn’t a new concept. I didn’t coin the phrase. But the conversation still needs to be had. We still need to be transparent about our why. This is particularly difficult for men. Men “don’t need nobody’s help!” Expressing why we do what we do or why we are who we are means expressing how we feel… and, well, we just can’t be doing that. We may have to turn in our man card. But what if it wasn’t all mushy and sensitive? What if it was real, meat-and-taters kind of stuff? Would we be good with it then?
I referee high school and college basketball. Years ago, I began to strike up a friendship with someone I had known, but up until now, not this closely. We’ll call him “Jeff”. He was very successful. He knew I looked up to him in the officiating community. He agreed to mentor me and invest in me to be a better referee. One day I call him up, very frustrated. I told him I needed to meet with him. He agreed to meet. I began telling him how frustrated I would get when I went to my high school assignments. I was mainly frustrated with the fact that many refs didn’t seem to want to get better. Quite a few were not very good and it didn’t seem to matter. No one seemed to care.
Jeff could sense that I had poured myself in to this profession and did everything I could to be better than the game before. But those around me at the high school level didn’t seem to have the same desire. He began to ask me questions about these refs. “When was the last time you asked these refs about their lives. Where they work. Are they married? Any kids?” I did not see his point at first. To those that know me, this isn’t coming as a shock. He told me to start asking these questions when I was in the locker room before a game. He then told me to get the first name of the bookkeeper and the first name of the clock keeper of every game I officiated. He assured me these things would help my games go smoother and my frustration would decrease significantly.
I could not, for the life of me, figure out why it mattered whether they were married or not and what it had to do with being a good ref. Not knowing why, and thinking he sounded a little crazy, I did what he suggested anyway. And when I did, everything changed. EVERYTHING.
Each game, as I sat down in the locker room with the other refs, I began to ask these questions. And each time, I began to learn more about them. I began to become closer friends with them. I began to like them more. Understand them more. Then when they made a bad call, it wasn’t a big deal anymore. Because I understood who they were. And it superseded what they were doing on the court. I also started getting the names of the bookkeeper and clock keeper and my games started getting smoother and smoother. Why would it matter that I call them by first name? Because when I needed them and called them by their first name, there was an immediate friendship/relationship and they quickly wanted to help me… because we were friends now. It was about the relationship.
I became friends with another ref during all of this. We’ll call him “Josh”. I told him about the paradigm shift I had. He just chuckled at me. One night, I had a game with Josh and he had a family medical emergency. He had just begun working for the assigner and called me to ask what to do. I advised him that the assigner was a good guy and would understand and to call him right away. I went to the game with the replacement ref. Afterwards, on my way home, I called Josh to ask how everything was. He told me his situation was going to be fine. He thanked me for asking then said, “You really are taking this new approach seriously!” I told him that if I’m learning anything, it’s that officiating isn’t about just the sport. In fact, it isn’t primarily about the sport. It’s about the relationships. It’s about the camaraderie. It’s about being in a battle and the only friends you have are the ones with the stripes on. He and I became better friends after that.
So my “why” began to get clearer. Why do I officiate? Why would anyone sign up to be yelled at, belittled and berated on a nightly basis? The answer is simple, the relationships. Someone asked me why I started writing blogs. I felt it was something God told me to do. My wife concurred with that belief. She would push me to write when I didn’t want to. The last blog I wrote, I put on to social media and it got ONE… 1 like. So why would I keep writing? The relationship I have with God. It’s about his people. Not how good or bad I may write. I may write a terrible blog, and those around me know me. They understand who I am and, all of the sudden, it isn’t a big deal that I suck at writing. Okay, maybe I don’t suck all the time. Haha.
I’ll leave you with this. The story of Jesus going up to pray right before he was arrested is an interesting one. This is where we see the true story. Jesus asked God to find another way. He asked God if there was any other way, let’s do that! He quickly got His answer. So what was Jesus’ why? His relationship with His Father. The proper perceptive here is this: Jesus didn’t die for us. Jesus died because of His love and obedience for His Father and because of that, we are saved. The real “why” in this story is the relationship. What’s your “why”? Why do you do the things you do? What drives you to be who you are? Are you satisfied with that person? When you really learn your why, chances are it will be connected to a relationship. And when you do define your why, buckle up. Because everything changes… for the better.
Stay Classy GP!
Grainger
I can remember growing up, I played a lot of sports. No matter which sports I played, there were a few constants. I wanted to win. My coach liked to yell. If I was disrespectful to anyone, I was quickly dealt with. Win or lose, I got my juice box and relaxed on the ride home. But I never remember the refs. In fact, we were always told not to say a word to the refs… that this was coach’s job, not ours. So we never got involved in the ref bashing. As I got older, that changed. My smart mouth got me in so much trouble, that I literally once called out a defense “Twelve!”, which was our 2-1-2 and was given a T. The ref said “I heard what you said!” I said “yes, my teammates heard it too… I called the defense.” He looked at the coach and said “if you don’t take him out, I’m going to throw him out!” The fact was… I had a reputation… and not a good one. I remember a lot of fun things, bad things, tough things from those days in sports. But one thing I can never remember doing back then was… well… I don’t ever remember thanking the refs. Ever. For anything.