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A Walk Down Thankless Lane

Let’s take a walk down thankless lane…

I can remember growing up, I played a lot of sports. No matter which sports I played, there were a few constants. I wanted to win. My coach liked to yell. If I was disrespectful to anyone, I was quickly dealt with. Win or lose, I got my juice box and relaxed on the ride home. But I never remember the refs. In fact, we were always told not to say a word to the refs… that this was coach’s job, not ours. So we never got involved in the ref bashing. As I got older, that changed. My smart mouth got me in so much trouble, that I literally once called out a defense “Twelve!”, which was our 2-1-2 and was given a T. The ref said “I heard what you said!” I said “yes, my teammates heard it too… I called the defense.” He looked at the coach and said “if you don’t take him out, I’m going to throw him out!” The fact was… I had a reputation… and not a good one. I remember a lot of fun things, bad things, tough things from those days in sports. But one thing I can never remember doing back then was… well… I don’t ever remember thanking the refs. Ever. For anything.

I can remember when I was little, my dad was my coach. So he had to be at every game. He would’ve been regardless. He went to work. Took that money and put me and my brothers in sports. I can remember him coming to my brother’s defense because I couldn’t. I can remember him working late hours just so we didn’t have to ask if we were going to eat that night. I can remember him driving all the time so my mom didn’t have to bother with that…. She was too busy reaching in to the back seat smacking us around. Ha. I remember every time someone died, the family called him and he left. Every time someone was very ill, he was called, and he left. I remember the absolute tongue-lashing he gave an elementary school principal for man-handling me in the parking lot. I remember the times he would go to practice when he wasn’t the coach. I remember the time he built me and my brother bunk beds… of which my younger brother pushed me off and gave me my first broken bone. One thing during all of that I don’t remember… well… I don’t remember thanking him. For any of it. Ever.

Then there’s the time a police officer pulled a speeding teenager over who had to give a presentation for school and didn’t know how to tie a necktie so he was on his way to his friend’s house to get help. The police officer had him get out of the car and he tied the young man’s tie. Or the time the officer saw a homeless man with no shoes on and went and bought the guy new shoes and socks and put them on him. How about an officer in Pennsylvania is eating at a restaurant the day after the Dallas shootings where a man killed 5 police officers and injured 11 more just because they were the police. A couple is about to be seated next to the officer’s table. They abruptly say “no, I don’t want to sit there.” They made eye contact and it was clear why they didn’t want to sit near the officer. This officer paid for their meal in an effort to bridge the gap. These officers have a couple of things in common besides being police officers. 1-They did what they did because they care about people and had no idea their act of kindness would go public. They just did it because it was the right thing to do. 2- And the other thing they have in common is that most likely, when they went to their next call, they were not thanked… by anyone.

So here’s a big thank you. To the ref that gets underpaid and overworked. Who gets yelled at every single night on the job. Who gets ridiculed and has his character questioned every 5 minutes while attempting to do his job to the best of his ability. Who gets called everything BUT a referee by the multitudes shouting down towards him as he runs by. Who is given no credit for the countless hours he or she spends reading the rule-book and watching plays to get better. Who leaves his family night after night. To the guy who cares about his sport but cares about the kids and the relationships MORE. THANK YOU for the sacrifices you make.

Here’s a huge thank you to the dads that sacrifice tirelessly without ever receiving or even expecting a thank you. To the guy that speaks life into his daughter. To the guy that won’t let his son settle for mediocrity. To the guy that always eats last and listens first. To the guy that works but lets the kids enjoy the fruits first. To the guy who stays up late to make sure all the Christmas gifts look just right (if a kid reads this, this is before Santa comes). To the guy that teaches his boy to be a man by treating his wife with the utmost respect and serving first rather than receiving first. To the guy that works hours on his daughter’s car just in time for her to jump in it and go be with her friends. THANK YOU.

To the officer that risked his life so that we can be safe. To the guy that realizes he may be saying “have a good day” to his wife for the very last time… every time he goes to work. To the guy that does it right only to be overshadowed by the bad apples. To the officer that is ridiculed and scoffed at and chooses not to take that home. He leaves it at work. To the guy that gets called every vile name in the book and still does CPR on that person to make sure they live. To the guy that defends your right to call him a Pig. To the countless, life-changing sacrifices you make on a daily basis… THANK YOU. 

Do yourself and your community a favor and start finding the thankless and thanking them. It will go a very long way. Stop talking about how the world needs to change and BE the change you want to see. Start with Gratitude. If you’ll start each day with gratitude, the rest of the day stays in proper focus and perspective. Prove me wrong. I dare you.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Why Did We Get Married?

Why did we get married?

Great question. Most people will answer that they love their spouse. So because they’ve fallen in love, they get married. On the surface, that sounds normal and reasonable. There’s a large problem with this motive, though.

I mentioned in a previous blog that Jesus didn’t die for you and I. I said that he gave his life because he was being obedient to his Father and as a result, you and I are eternally joined to the creator of the universe. Perspective. It’s important to keep proper perspective. If our perspective is that he did it for us, then the conversation before the betrayal means nothing. He wouldn’t really care what his dad thought. He would just do what he thought was best and say “Dad will understand.” But he didn’t. The perspective here is to do what your Father has instructed and everything else will flow from there.

Let’s look at something that most of us can relate to. When we came into covenant with God, we didn’t know how to love Him. It was only after we chose to surrender our will and choose to get to know Him that we began to see all of the benefits and began to love Him for who He is. The covenant and obedience came first and the love was born out of that obedience. This quote by Jackie Hill Perry says it well:

“Choose to love even when you don’t feel like it. Obedience often precedes affection.” -Jackie Hill Perry

We must do what God instructs us to do because of our obedience, respect, reverence and honor. We do it because He said do it. Not because we like it or want to. If we happen to want to, then good. But our “want to” is not required for our obedience. What does this have to do with marriage? Another great question.

I remember looking my wife in the eye and telling her that I didn’t ask her to marry me because I loved her. That it’s the wrong reason. She looked a little perplexed. But I explained that I asked her because through all of my searching, praying and seeking God, she kept coming to the forefront of my mind. I explained that I believed this was what God wanted and it wasn’t up to me to decide against it. I married her because I believed God had designed this and put us together.

“If you do something God told you to do because you want to, you will stop doing it because you don’t want to.” –Charles Simpson

If you get married to someone because you feel love for someone, you will divorce them because you no longer feel that love for them. I hear celebrities say all the time, “We fell out of love so we got divorced.” The reasoning simply cannot be for the love of that person. It has to be for the love of God and that you believe God has put this together. Because you will, inevitably, come to a place where you don’t feel love. When he eats loudly… when she throws your good stuff away… when he won’t put the toilet paper roll on correctly… when her cosmetics are all over the sink… you will need more than the feeling of love to get past these things. You will need the conscience understanding that God put it together and it’s not up to you to end that covenant. With that understanding, it becomes much more difficult to walk away. There will be a time when it will ALL be tested. You will need an outside opinion and outside instruction to get you two on a path of unity. You will need to do things to “spice up” the relationship of the person you’ve been with for many years. If these are things you are unwilling to do for the sake of a God-given unity, then don’t get in. Don’t waste anyone’s time. Because Jesus said, “in this world you WILL have trouble…” Not might, or could… but WILL.

Pastor Michael Todd once said that the characteristics of love in 1 Corinthians 13 requires sacrifice and a willingness to die to ourselves that most of us aren’t willing to do outside of a full commitment. He’s gone so far as to say that marriage comes before love. I agree. You don’t really know what kind of relationship you really have until it’s tested. Until you find yourself in a fire, you don’t know what you’re made of. Adversity is the ONLY way to know where you stand as a couple and where you’re headed.

So prepare yourself. Prepare to wake up to their snoring and know you’re committed. Prepare to be surprised by that awful fart and know you’re still committed. Brace yourself for the fruit of the forbidden tree to start looking appealing and know ahead of time that this is the enemy.

One last note about the marriage covenant itself. Why is it so important? Yet another great question. God holds His relationship with us of the utmost importance. The relationship between husband and wife is held just under that. Every other relationship, including with your children, come after those two. So if God sees it that important, so should we. I once heard Ravi Zacharias teach that the Greek text of the Bible speaks of four types of love. They had four different words for what we universally call “Love”. Agape- Unconditional love; Phileo- brotherly love; Storge- protective or parental love; Eros- romantic love. The marriage covenant is the only relationship that encompasses all four types. Therefore, it is a sacred union to God. It’s not a feeling. It’s a covenant. The decision isn’t about how you feel. The decision is about WHO put this together and who you vowed to stay committed to. It’s not easy. No one ever promised that. But nothing worth having is. It’s work. It’s dying to yourself. Remember, the key to life summed up in one word is “others”.

“Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, STAND.” Ephesians 6:13

Stay Classy GP!

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She Will Marry YOU

She’s Going to Marry You

I’d give anything to go back to the day when my daughter, Rainey, was 3 years old. She dressed up in a wedding dress and made me walk down the aisle with her. Fast forward 13 years and she introduces me to her boyfriend…and he looks like a mini-me. Not that I didn’t already know it, but it really hit me at that moment… She’s dating…me.

I’ve said before that all I was ever around growing up was boys. All my friends were boys with the exception of 2 amazing young ladies. And they were tomboys. So I quickly bought some books on how to be a father to a girl. I was literally thinking, “What do girls eat? Do they really cry about everything? I wonder what my jail cell will look like when she’s 16.” I had no clue! After reading some books on it, I gained a new understanding and appreciation for girls.

I learned that if you break them, if you’re too loud when getting on to them, if you show any amount of anger, it breaks them. They don’t recover as quickly as boys. They hold on to that grudge (some things never change no matter how old they get). You have to be gentle and win them over. But the biggest thing I learned had nothing to do with discipline.

I learned that their entire view of themselves comes directly from ME. Great. I definitely didn’t feel adequate for this. Her self-esteem, self-image, self-worth, comes from me… good or bad. If I treat them with respect, they will respect themselves. If I love them, they’ll love themselves. If I talk down to them, they’ll think down of themselves. It’s all related. Mothers are great teachers but it’s scientifically proven that absent fathers leave a huge void in their daughters that they look for in every man they encounter. Fathers possess something that mothers don’t.

God created mankind with relationships in mind. The most important relationship being between God and us. Fathers are the representation of God to his children. If we’re mean and absent, they’ll grow up thinking God is mean and absent. If we are gentle and positive, they’ll grow up thinking God is gentle and positive. 

Obviously, there is grace (and an extra special spa in heaven) for single mothers. But at the end of the day, it’s simply not God’s design for children to be fatherless. Children, especially girls, need fathers. I remember the story of Bob Mumford being on a plane sitting next to a high priest in the satanic church. This priest told him that their number one objective is to remove fathers from the family and Christian church. Even Satan recognizes the need for fathers. The easiest way for an enemy to win a battle is to make you think there isn’t one to begin with. So let’s all agree now…that there is a battle. A battle for fathers. We can also agree that we’ll help each other out in those dark times where the battle/opposition seems too strong. BE THERE FOR HER.

Because she will marry… YOU.

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Relationship Priorities

Relationship Priorities:


This gets quite sticky and murky for some people, but it doesn’t have to be. God created things in life to be in a certain order. If we stay in that order, we find peace that passes all understanding. If we don’t, we find constant strife and can’t figure out why. Well, let me explain why…
Our relationships should be in this order:

1- God
2- Spouse
3- Children
4- Church family
5- Everyone else

The problem is simple. We get these out of order based on something someone did or didn’t do. Most of us find ourselves putting #3 ahead of the first 2. “But I have to be here for the kids first. Hubby don’t like it, he’s got to go!” That’s a problem. Huge problem. But it’s very common. There is an epidemic of kids growing up thinking they are much more amazing than they are. That merely being born entitles them to rights above anyone else. They are living with the belief that the world has short changed them because it’s nothing like what mom and dad said it would be. We see a growing number of kids that are questioning and disrespecting authority with no reason. They have no regard for any authority figure. Sometimes it’s because their authority figure is really their friend…oops, I said it. What I’ve found is that often times, the parents don’t realize they are in error until it’s too late. They don’t want to raise an irreverent kid, but it’s happening. They don’t want to raise a kid that can’t take care of themselves, but a 30 year old had to be kicked out of his parents’ house… by a judge. So for those that are wondering if you’re getting it right as a parent, God gives us many ways to tell.

My mom always said she never wanted to raise a child that no one wanted to be around. She succeeded in trying with all 4 boys but unfortunately, I’m not a highly sought after guy. Haha. But what I was taught will stick around forever. My dad once grabbed me and literally threw me out the front door and said, “Don’t come back until you learn how to talk to my wife!” What stuck out was that he didn’t called her mom, or by her name. He called her “my wife.” That sent the message that she was more important than I was. She came before me. I apparently needed to hear that.

When a child knows he or she is first, they live in a place of (false) authority that was never granted by God. This improper placement of authority causes them to say and do things that are not in line with God’s design for children. But when they know they are 3rd after God and mom/dad, they begin to know their place. Their place is NOT the center of our universe. Their place is to learn to obey, love, and honor…in that order. Notice I said obey first. If they’re taught to obey, they will know how to love and honor. As adults, God requires obedience from us that seems impossible at times. How can they be prepared for that if we don’t teach it to them as kids?

This one’s tough, but has to be said again- You are NOT called to be your children’s friend. You were called by God to be a good steward over what is God’s. To teach, instill, and prepare them to “leave mother and father and cleave to each other”. Regardless of how backwards this sounds, if children are given boundaries (discipline), they feel safe, even though they are crying because they didn’t get their way. If they see that mom and dad are together on issues, there is large place of protection that they are aware of but don’t know how to communicate that. Not only do they not know how to communicate it, they test it to make sure it’s strong. If they see that they really aren’t that important…that mommy and daddy come before them, they will learn obedience, God’s order, true love, and it will prepare them to know the heart of God and be successful in their relationships in the future. He created everything to bring us closer to Him. This can’t happen if we’re shifting relationship priorities around.

Now I understand the things that happen. “My husband is abusive.” Or “my wife is an alcoholic…so I put all my effort in to someone who loves me unconditionally. Makes sense to me.” But it doesn’t make sense to God. Paul said “I die to myself daily”. What makes sense to God is to put all your effort in mending the marriage relationship FIRST. Out of that restoration, the children will flourish. But not until then. If you shift your focus that belongs on your marriage over to your children, you have placed a burden on them that they can’t handle…that they shouldn’t handle. Worse yet, if you place God second to anyone, you have walked right out of God’s order and the blessings cease. Please understand that by blessings, I don’t mean money. God’s not limited to money. I mean that when you need peace under pressure, when you need something to lift you up over a storm that you can’t handle, you have no idea where to turn…because you walked out of God’s favor, blessing, and order. But, when God is first, your spouse is second and your children are 3rd, and when those times come, you will know how to handle them because “the steps of the righteous are ordered.” This is a lot easier to say than it is to do, but it needs to happen.

We (starting with me) have to understand our proper roles in raising children and always remember that YOU ARE TEACHING THEM IN EVERYTHING YOU DO AND DON’T DO. They are always learning from you. Whether you realize it or not. If my daughters cried for something as a small child, they immediately forfeited their right to it solely based on the fact that they cried for it. If they asked politely, they got it almost every time. The times that they didn’t receive it, most of the time, they were explained why and they understood, most of the time. They were learning early on that crying for something was the wrong way to go about it. As a result, I feel as though I have well-adjusted girls that understand that everything I do or don’t do is out of love and God’s order. If this spoke to you, feel free to share. It’s meant to encourage, not condemn.

Stay Classy, GP (God’s People).

Grainger

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Giving is ALWAYS for the Giver

Giving is ALWAYS for the giver. Receiving is ALWAYS a burden. Once we understand this basic principal, we can proceed with caution. We are all quick to receive. Gimme gimme gimme. We are usually reluctant to give, unless someone is watching. But here’s the problem…

I’ll never forget the time we rescued an Australian Shepherd puppy. He was too young to have done anything that he was born to do. We put in an ad to place him and a farmer calls. We take him to the farm to meet the farmer. The puppy sees the herd of cattle and starts panting and wagging his tail. Keep in mind that there’s a very slim chance he’s ever seen a cow in his young life. We disclaim to the farmer that he may take some time to be trained because he’s never been out of a suburban neighborhood that we know of. The farmer then looks to him and says, “Go ahead boy!” he looks up at us as if to ask permission. We say “Go!” He takes off like lightening and immediately successfully herds the cattle where the farmer wanted them. He was born to do this. He never had to be taught. It was purely innate in him. We don’t have to be taught to give. It’s innate in us. It causes all types of things to happen. Science tells us that giving, no matter how big or small, releases endorphins in our brain. There’s a reason. The Creator made us that way. This explains a parents’ delight in watching their children open Christmas presents. Parents benefit more than the child. The Bible actually says “Give and it will be given back, pressed down, shaken together and running over”…in Red letters, btw. So the measure in which we give will be given back. But what about receiving?

This is where the whole conversation gets tough. We like to receive things. I know I do. But what we have to understand is that if we’re receiving something, it’s usually because we lack it. Once we receive what we lack, it instantly becomes a burden until it is used correctly. One example of this that is familiar to me is when someone in a visible position receives compliments. They are showered with, “you’re the best singer in the world!” or “you are so awesome!” So far there’s nothing wrong. What they do with those compliments is the key. If they choose to wear them, thereby believing that they are the reason for the compliments, then the problem begins. But if they collect it to the side and later, in the quiet place, offer them to God saying, “Hey, look what they said about you”, then the compliment is no longer a burden.

See, we weren’t meant for that much praise. We weren’t designed to receive. We were designed to give. I personally believe this is what killed Elvis. He didn’t know what to do with all the accolades and began believing that he was the reason for the success, instead of believing that God was the reason for it all. There were times in his life that he gave God credit. He even recorded true Gospel records later in life. But he was never consistent in offering the praise in the proper direction. So next time someone is offering something, make sure you’re able to use it, or distribute it correctly before agreeing. Remember though, sometimes it’s necessary to receive what someone is giving just to
make sure you’re not robbing them of a blessing. But again, making sure that you use the gift properly or it will become and remain a burden.

Something that was previously mentioned is the fact that we only give if someone is watching. Why is that? What is it that makes us need to be recognized for our giving? The answer is quite simple, yet very complex. The simple answer is that we don’t fully understand who we are in Christ. If we knew exactly who God says we are and bought into that, we wouldn’t need anyone else to pat us on the back for doing what God calls us to do on a daily basis. After healing the man with leprosy, Jesus told him not to tell anyone who did this. Why would He do that? Because he understood this principal and as a result, his genuine concern was for the welfare of this man and not His self-promotion.

So knowing all of this, why is it so tough to just give? I’m as guilty, if not more guilty than anyone reading this. We could talk all day about the various answers to this question but it comes down to one primary thing. We simply don’t trust God. We believe that we must hang on to what we have for fear that we’ll never have it again. But God said “give and it will be given back to you”… so why don’t we just give? Trust. Lack of trust also stems from a need for control. If you’ve lived a chaotic life, full of dysfunction, having never been in control of anything that happened to you, you feel the need to be in total control of your life from here on. Sometimes, trusting God means not being in total control. (Lord have mercy! Now I know what mt father means when he says that he often preaches to an audience of one-himself). I didn’t grow up in dysfunction. But I still struggle with trusting immensely. The fact remains, once we trust, giving follows. And what follows that… is the coolest chapter of your life.

Lastly as a side note, I’ve, all too often, heard ministers referring to Tithes as generosity. The two are not related. Proper perspective is everything. Tithe is obedience. Malachi 3:8. What you give above that is generosity. So when reviewing this, don’t consider tithe as giving. It’s relinquishing what wasn’t yours in the first place. Giving is above and beyond that. Well, this was going great until I said that. HA! Truth is truth. I didn’t make it up. I just scribed it down.
Giving is ALWAYS for the giver.