Men Should Cry More, but Not Too Much More
I’m in church. Something hits me. Gratitude. My daughter looks up at me and asks me if I’m alright. I’m fine. “Then why are you crying?” I wasn’t crying. But a tear did form and drop. And now my face was wet. And my daughter was worried.
See, I’m a large, masculine man. I don’t display emotional pain. I just grit my teeth and move on. So this had my daughter worried. The truth is, I’ve been tearing up at church for years. She just never noticed. But it’s the only time I do. Why is that?
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Jordan Peterson once said:
Be the strongest person at your father’s funeral.
Dr. Jordan B. Peterson
That’s me. A few years ago my father almost died and I was the “strong one” in the moment. My daughter flipped her car and was worried. I was strong first, then the emotion of realizing I could’ve lost her hit me later.
I’m seeing a current call for more men to cry. I’m seeing it often. Men are saying they don’t want to feel emotions. Women are saying that they love it when their man cries. So who is right? The answer is… Yes.
Where is the Balance?
There is a need for men to become more emotionally intelligent. Most men find emotions binary: happy and pissed off. Learning the array of emotions makes a man more effective in assessing problems. It also helps a man better understand his wife.
A man needs to be able to express emotions. But here’s the catch,
- They aren’t going to express it in a communal fashion like women do. They’re going to express it alone.
- They aren’t going to do that right now. They must first take care of the issue at hand. Then they can be concerned with their emotions.
One example of this is can be found in this post:
Phases of Leadership In a Crisis
On the other hand, if a man is shedding tears every time something pulls at his heart strings, he isn’t very useful in his God-given capacity.
When sh*t hits the fan, people turn to the most stable person in the room. The one who manages emotions. They know that guy will make a sound decision not based on emotion. But if that dude is in the corner crying, he’s not worth much in that crisis.
So When Do We Cry?
Women cry when they are happy, sad, frustrated, anxious, joyful, angry, pretty much any given emotion. Men cry when they are overwhelmed. So for all the women that are saying, “I wish men would cry more, I wish they would release their emotions more”, I say be careful what you wish for. You’re asking him to be overwhelmed more. If a man is too weepy, he is no good in a crisis. If he is crying, he is overwhelmed about something.
Remember, male suicide is 4 times higher than female. One could propose that this is because they bottle up their emotions. And they might be right. One could also say that few care if men are ok. They would be right too.
There’s a balance. We definitely need to be more emotionally aware. No one questions that. But we also need to be able to control our emotions. Put them in their proper place; in service to us, not the other way around. Men do have a desire for control. Not to be tyrannical with it. But to protect with it. If I am in control of a situation, this means everyone around me is safe. If I am crying, I am not in control. This is why men carefully select times to cry. Having said that, if a man never cries, this is also a problem. We must find emotional homeostasis. Balance. Don’t be completely stoic. Don’t be completely emotional. Be what those around you need in the moment and be the other as soon as possible.
Ladies, be ok with him not being just like you. He’s different than you are. And that’s ok. Appreciate the difference. Love the difference. And understand that men are wired a certain way for a reason. And men, be that strong man everyone turns to at your dad’s funeral. Then later, get away and let it out. Don’t hold it back.
Stay Classy GP!
Grainger