So we covered the array of emotions and difficulties children go through when attempting to blend a family. But what about the spouses? They’re trying to build a new life together. They’re still figuring out whether they can deal with the fact that he squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube instead of the end. She pulls the toilet paper from the back. He sleeps with the fan on. She likes the TV on when she sleeps. Adults have enough on their plate before we even get in to the conversation of children.
To fully understand the biblical priorities, please refer to an earlier blog I wrote called “Relationship Priorities”. It covers the 5 relationships we have and the order in which they are to be prioritized. In that, you’ll find spouses 2nd and children 3rd. In blended families, they have to be navigated very carefully. There are two different scenarios to think about: before you marry someone with kids and after you have married someone with kids.
BEFORE: I know that in my experience, one of the things that was going to determine whether I could marry Jennifer or not was her kids. If I didn’t like her kids, I wasn’t going to like her. It turns out that she has great kids. They are all smart and have great potential to change this world one heart at a time. They all have big hearts. This is important. If you want someone so bad that you’re willing to put up with kids you can’t stand, you may need to reevaluate your reasons for wanting that person. I can promise you that if it’s for money or any other tangible asset, it’s just not worth the financial gain. You will continue to be miserable on the inside. This wealthy man/woman can’t fix that. Promise.
Another thing I’ve found is that if you aren’t ok with being single, you won’t be ok with being married. Singleness is vital to a healthy marriage. As I’m typing this, my wife is on her way to hang out with girlfriends. An insecure, overly co-dependent man would attempt to forbid this. I’m encouraging it for a few reasons. One, I want the same encouragement when I hang with my guys. Two, it’s the right thing to do. Three, away time is a good thing. You read that right. A GOOD thing.
This conversation was something Jennifer and I understood well before we decided to marry or even date. She loved my daughters. I loved her kids. I haven’t always been crazy about her kids. She hasn’t always been crazy about my girls. But at the core, they’re good kids and we are a family. Albeit a jacked up, crazy, loud, diverse family… we’re still a family. But if I didn’t love her kids and she didn’t love my daughters, we wouldn’t have lasted a year. Maybe not even that long.
AFTER: So there you are, in a new relationship where you love the other person but aren’t really sure about their kid(s)… You’ll want to figure that out before you go another step. First, check your heart. Decide what it is about their kids you don’t like. Then decide if it’s something you can work through and/or get over, even if they don’t change. But if you decide to despise their kids the entire time you’re married, one of two things will happen. Either your marriage will greatly suffer and eventually end from the negative rhetoric or you will find that eventually their children want nothing to do with them. Both are vastly tragic. Your children need you. Their children need them. Now more than ever! Your spouse needs you. In a blended family, the spouse needs proper attention, but the children need more attention. The adults have to be adults and understand that until there is an acceptance of a new normal, they’ll need as much time as they need to reacclimate. There’s no deadline on this. You can’t be impatient (like I was). You can’t push the issue (like I did). You have to be very patient with every child and their unwillingness to adapt. Eventually they will. But regardless, adults have to be adults.
What we can’t do is divide and conquer. Division in a home will always lead to vulnerability, which leads to a welcomed attack from the enemy, which will end the relationship. It just can’t stand divided. In Matthew 12:25, Jesus says this very thing. How important is it that the house is united?
I once heard the story of Bob Mumford taking his seat on an airplane. He soon finds that he is seated next to a high priest in the satanic church. So he strikes up a conversation. During their conversation, the thing that stood out the most was this comment from the high priest in the satanic church, “We have goals, but our number one goal, by far, is to remove the fathers from the homes. If we can do that, the family will destruct and make our mission that much easier.” THAT is how important fathers and family unity are. Even the enemy recognizes it.
So check yourself. Look inward. Because the children need a united front. And blended children need more than that. These children deserve to have love, direction and guidance from a parent and a bonus parent that loves them. If you’ll commit to work at this and not give up, the blessings are immeasurable …And that’s how they became the Blended Bunch!
Stay Classy GP!
Grainger