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Is Love All We Need? Not Even Close

Why is Christmas many people’s favorite time of year? Even non-religious people, it’s their favorite time of year. What makes this time of year different for those that aren’t actually celebrating Jesus’ birth? I have a theory.

We have all heard the songs, “love is all you need” or “you are all I need” and we have all chosen to believe this. Celine Dion, Rodney Crowell, and The Beatles sang about this. The problem is, it’s not even close to the truth. If you said, “God is all I need” you’d still be wrong. Here’s why:

We were designed to be social. We were created to have social interactions. Without these social interactions, we begin to lose our minds. Let me explain from a psychological viewpoint.

The Stanford Prison Experiment: In 1971, a psychology professor at Stanford University led a research team conducting an experiment on human behavior given pack mentality versus isolation. Everyone involved was a willing participant in the research and was told they could leave at any time. They split the group into guards and prisoners. They told the guards to keep the prisoners in line. Eventually, the guards took their jobs as power-wielding tyrants seriously and began using psychological tactics to keep the prisoners from escaping. The experiment was supposed to last 2 weeks. It only lasted 6 days because both the guards and the prisoners had all but forgotten they were willing participants and felt forced into their current positions, which caused extreme psychological stress to the prisoners, and later the guards as well. The isolation caused their minds to lose their grasp on reality. The reality was that they were just college students pretending to be something else for an experiment but instead they had grown to believe they were actually prisoners.

Kalief Browder: Now if that was the effect after 6 days, imagine being isolated from reality for 2 years. This was the case with Kalief Browder. Browder was a common kid, getting into small theft trouble in the streets of New York. One day he was arrested and charged with a crime he did not commit. Without any evidence, he was charged and sentenced, based on his prior history. He was sent to the Rikers Island jail system. There, he was being bullied. So he fought to defend himself. In doing so, they put him in solitary confinement. He spent 800 days in solitary confinement. Studies show that if one is in solitary confinement for more than 30 days, they will suffer severe psychological damage.

After his release, the case gained national attention. Browder appeared on The View with his lawyer. Rapper Jay-Z reached out to him. He was gaining national support. Nothing but love. But love was not enough. Upon his fifth suicide attempt, Browder was finally successful in 2013. The isolation had destroyed him permanently. Love was not enough.

Oxytocin: There are four “feel-good” chemicals that flow through your brain. Endorphins, Dopamine, Serotonin, and Oxytocin. Of the four, oxytocin is the only one that does not have a negative side. Endorphins mask pain, but the pain comes back. You can easily become addicted to dopamine. Serotonin can be tricked into being released. But oxytocin requires generosity and/or physical touch.

So the way oxytocin is released is when there is physical touch and when there is a random act of kindness or an act of true generosity without expectation of reciprocity. So when you pat someone on the back or shake their hand or hug them, oxytocin is released. When you do something kind for someone, you get a release of oxytocin, they get a release as well, as well as anyone who witnessed it. Oxytocin fights addiction and boosts your immune system. We are DESIGNED to be generous, social beings. Love is not enough. I know, “But you said God is not enough?” Hear me out.

Adam and Eve: God created everything in the world, every living thing. Then He created Adam. At this moment, there is no sin. There is no competition for God’s attention. There is only Adam and God. Adam literally had everything he needed in that moment. And somehow, in the midst of such perfection, God still said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” Why?! He had God. He had love. If that is all we need, then there was no need for anything else in that moment. That’s just it, we needed more, because of how God made us. It’s the relational aspect of how we are created that causes us to want to be close to God, which was the original design. I don’t want to force my kids to hug me. I want them to want to hug me. That aspect of us requires more than love and more than God. It requires each other.

What we find is that when we are separated from each other, the enemy begins to tell lies that we begin to believe which destroy us. When we are isolated from God’s other creations, we lose the ability for rational thought. But when we do something for someone else, we better our own physical body and brain. We unlock what God created for us by being socially interactive.

So, is love all we need? No. Is God all we need? Apparently not. We need God and God in each other. This is the only way we thrive the way God intended. I know it doesn’t sing well, but it’s just the truth. So this Christmas, embrace the time of giving generously and joyously but with a new outlook on it. It is what we all NEED. And maybe we can start acting like it’s Christmas year round.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Tattooed on Your Heart

I’ll never forget the time I was on the road with Blessid Union of souls and we had played the University of Miami. Afterwards, we were invited to a very nice restaurant. So nice, I felt very out of place. I was uncomfortable from the moment I walked in. And it must have been on my face because the guys in the band just sat me between them and started throwing appetizers at me, “Try this… and this!” Before long, I was no longer uncomfortable and was able to just enjoy the time. They went out of their way to make sure I felt like I was one of them.

In my time in the music industry, this was the case with most. Most people in that industry are kind, thoughtful people. When their brothers and sisters are hurting, they run to each other’s need and comfort them in whatever way they can. Such was my experience.

This is NOT the case with the church, unfortunately. The church is the only army that kicks its wounded while they’re down. It’s one of the few groups out there that gloat in how great they are… “in the name of Jesus.” Church people have a tendency to struggle less with major things (or at least hide them better), and therefore view that as a license to attack anyone who does struggle; “I don’t struggle with adultery or porn addiction, so I’m going to drive that home, showing everyone how righteous I am! I will conveniently leave out the sins I struggle with… let’s not talk about those.”

Kat Von D

Such is the case with Kat Von D. The celebrity tattoo artist was immersed in witchcraft and occult culture. She stated that there was a heaviness, a darkness, and a negativity that she no longer wanted to be a part of. She returned to her early roots of Christianity. She chose to publicly get baptized, expressing the belief that baptism is an outward expression of an internal change.

Of course, this brought out the morally superior. She stated that her atheist friends and fans came out with a huge show of support and love about her personal decision. It was not they who attacked her. It was Christians. They claimed she was faking the whole thing as a PR stunt. They accused her of not being a real Christian with all of the tattoos and the clothes she wears… the CLOTHES she wears! Christians came out and attacked her for now being married to an apparent non-Christian. They attacked her for her choice in music. They even came after her because her hands didn’t go completely under water. WHAT?!?

Basically, every narrow-minded, nonsensical statement you could think of shot out of their vitriol-filled mouths. She finally said, “do you only hang out with people that think and look like you? If so, that is a very sad and narrow-minded way to live. I didn’t get baptized to be saved. I was already saved. It’s not about me.” Good for her. Because it’s true. At the end of her response to this vile retort from these “peculiar people”, she said, “I love you anyway. That’s being Christ-like.”

Kat Von D getting baptized and attending church

The audacity of some people to believe that because they don’t live a dark life, they have the right to look down on those that have, is amazing to me. These are the same people that would have bet on never seeing that thief on the cross in heaven. The thief said (paraphrased), “I believe you are who you say you are, please remember me when you get where you’re going.” To which Jesus responded, “Today you will be with me in Paradise.” His hands never went fully under water. In fact, water never touched them. He never signed a membership document. He never learned the sinner’s prayer. It’s like a minister once said, “on what authority did he get into heaven? The man on the middle cross, that’s all the authority he needed!”

For those that believe tattoos are ungodly, you missed the point and, once again, took a scripture out of context. Not that I’m surprised. In Leviticus 19:28, when it says to not put tattoo marks on your body, the passage is specifically referring to false idols. The verse before said not to cut your hair. We going with that too, or just sticking with what you believe to be someone ELSE’S sin? These were things the people of that time and area were doing to worship false idols and gods. God said to stop those things and worship Him. Those were the things they were doing that were in the way of worshipping Him.

It’s not about the visible, it never was. In Numbers 21, the people of Israel had grown weary and frustrated with their circumstances. They spoke out against God. The response was a swarm of snakes. When they were bitten, they would die. The people asked Moses to speak with God on their behalf, asking for forgiveness. God’s response? Build a bronze statue of a snake on a pole (which, coincidentally, is currently used as a symbol for medicine). God told them to build a statue! It’s not about the statue. It’s about the heart. God didn’t remove the snakes. He gave them a way to deal with the problem. When we find ourselves in a predicament that we got ourselves into, God doesn’t just get us out, but rather He gives a way to survive and work through it. He doesn’t just rearrange who you are, He gives you the grace to work through who you are and who He is in you. It’s like the old saying, give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

God didn’t save you out of your mess so that you could belittle those that don’t look like you. He saved you from your mess so that you could love those who don’t look like you. This is how they will know… by the LOVE that you show. Currently the church is more known for what it is against than who it is for. It is time we, as ambassadors for Christ, start giving the world a reason to find what we found and stop being the reason they never will. Thank you, Kat Von D, for showing us the error of our ways, and at the same time, not giving up on us, but showing us love when we didn’t deserve it, just like Jesus does. I hope God’s love is forever tattooed on your heart.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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The Only Shape That Fits

Most of us have enjoyed the beauty of a painting. Artists spend their time crafting what they believe to be a good painting. When they are done, they sign the painting somewhere on the canvas. The creator makes a mark on the painting that only he can make signifying it is his. Our Creator did the same thing. I’ll explain.

I was in the doctor’s office waiting room with my daughter watching a few kids play. One kid concerned me a little. She kept trying to put the square piece in the round hole. Over and over she tried. She finally threw the square piece. Then she picked up the triangle piece and put it in the round hole. Again, didn’t fit. She threw that one too. It seemed no matter which block she picked up, if it wasn’t the round one, it wasn’t going to fit.

Then it hit me. This is exactly what we do in life. We go through life trying to find something that will fill the hole in our inner most beings, but it never seems to fit perfectly. We look up and wonder why we are still miserable.

I recently watched the Johnny Football documentary. He had achieved everything he had ever dreamed of and more. He was a D1 star. He made more money than he knew what to do with. He beat Alabama. Ha. He won the Heisman as a freshman. He was drafted in the first round of the NFL. Then, sitting on his couch in Cleveland, he was miserable. All of that still didn’t equate to fulfillment. He tried taking his own life. The only reason he’s alive is because the gun malfunctioned.

Then there’s the time Deion Sanders attempted to take his own life after winning the super bowl 3 times. Or how about the time Dennis Rodman contemplated taking his own life. He had won championships. But he was miserable.

Robin Williams was a living legend. Kate Spade had more money than I’ll ever see. Anthony Bourdain had his own show traveling the world doing what he loved. It wasn’t enough. There’s a reason.

There’s a hole or void in our souls in a certain shape. It’s the shape of God. We have all tried to put things there that don’t fit. Money, substances, fame, cars, friends, careers, our spouses, our kids. They don’t fit. But we try to make them fit. Then we look around and wonder why we are miserable. We are miserable because we are trying to make a square block fit in to a round hole.

When it comes to the creation, the Creator was clever. He made you almost whole. But he left one piece out. And made sure that it was only in the shape of Him. After all, He did say He made us in His image.

So if you are in a place where you can’t figure out why you are miserable, apathetic, sad, frustrated, lonely, full of anxiety… it may be that you still need to fill that void with the right shape. If you will just give up trying the other things, that don’t seem to be working, and fill your void with the shape of God, you will find that there’s peace and relaxation in this. Try it. What do you have to lose?    

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Deconstructing Deconstructionism: Part 2- The Fruit

One day, years ago, one of my leaders in basketball officiating said to me, “You will always know whether your technical foul was a good one or a bad one by what happens directly after.” He was right. If it was a good one, the game regained a sense of order. If it was not a good technical foul, the game went further into chaos. This was the “fruits” of my decisions.

(Syracuse head coach Jim Boeheim reacts to having a technical foul called on him by official Roger Ayers during the second half of an NCAA college basketball game against Louisville Wednesday, Feb. 19, 2020, in Louisville, Ky. Louisville won 90-66. (AP Photo/Wade Payne))

One of the many problems with deconstruction is that it focuses on “ME.” The entire Bible spends its time focusing on turning away from ME and towards GOD.

“Your ways are higher.” Isaiah 55:8-9

“to myself, I die daily.” 1 Corinthians 15:31

“Not MY will be done but YOURS.” Luke 22:42

And on and on it goes. Don’t hear what I’m not saying. Taking the scripture seriously is a good thing. Going as deep as you can to get as close to God a possible is a good thing. However, in my examination of deconstructionism, I find that it consists of many people who have been mistreated by those in the church. I also find a pattern of those who truly believe they are of superior intelligence. And yet another definite pattern is a justification to live exactly how they want. Subsequently, you have the blind leading the blind. Having said that, one only has to look at fruits to determine whether this movement is a good thing or not.

The most disturbing pattern I’ve found among those deep into deconstructionism is that they stop going to church. After all, Jesus didn’t go to church. And church is a socially constructed way to control the masses, right? Wrong. Here’s what I know about church (for more on this, see the series I did on church, part 1 HERE and part 2 HERE). The man on the cross next to Jesus had never been to church. Yet he went to heaven. So church doesn’t save you. However, I also know that mountains of research studies show that community is necessary to remain socially relevant, prevent from going insane, preventing isolation, and helping provide the sustenance needed to survive this lifetime. Those studies show that isolation is what always precedes suicide. That community is what cures depression and prevents it from coming back. That service is the other component that fights depression and anxiety. All of this is found in a church.

The best form of community available in America is the church. Because it is based on an eternal foundation. The people there love you because you are human and no other qualification is needed. And without community, your proclivity for depression, anxiety, and suicide go way up. There are tons of studies on this.

So what are the fruits? Ceasing to attend the church you once loved attending and questioning God’s existence. Yet another deception by the enemy. In order to steal, kill, and destroy, he must get you isolated. Deconstructionism is the newest way for the enemy to do that.  If the enemy can get you to stop going to church, you give up community and thereby become isolated. In isolation the enemy can begin to tell you lies that you will believe. And many are currently falling for it.

Remember what Matthew 7:15-20 says, 15 “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. 16 You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? 17 Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 Therefore by their fruits you will know them.”

I hope I deconstructed that well enough. I mean, I ain’t that smart!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Deconstructing Deconstructionism: Part 1- The Argument

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls of all ages… I’d like to introduce you to the newest craze. It’s the newest trend. Deconstructionism! It used to be atheism. Then it was agnosticism. Now it’s deconstructionism.

The superiorly intelligent have found new and creative ways to justify their positions on their carnal desires while realizing that they sound stupid for believing in nothing. That’s where atheism went wrong. You have to be relying fully on the faith in nothing or be blindingly stupid to believe there is no higher being at all.

Then agnosticism came. So there’s a higher being somewhere. Maybe it’s us. Maybe its nature. Maybe it’s the 90% of our brain that we don’t use. But we didn’t just get here from nothing with all of our complications and intricacies. So there’s something. We just can’t put our finger on what that is.

So we believe this God thing is probably for real. Our parents told us so. But I don’t want to just believe what my parents said. I need to find out for myself. So far, this sounds like a responsible endeavor. Because my faith cannot be my parents’ faith. It must belong to me, or I have no faith at all.

Let’s take a quick detour. I am a big fan of basketball. And I would like to dismantle basketball and its rules to justify my inability to be able to compete with those in the NBA. So I’d like to change the rules so that I can experience the possibility of a great outcome, like a championship. So the rules are subjective now. I want them to mean that you can’t touch me or get within 5 feet of me once I say I’m uncomfortable. Then I’ll be able to score and achieve greatness and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.

This, ladies and gentleman, is the beautiful deceptive art of deconstructionism. Let’s take every scripture and “deconstruct” it to its simplest form. Then when we put it back together, let’s make it mean what we want to because it makes more sense to us in our super intelligent, creative, and emotional brains. After all, so much of what is in the Bible doesn’t make sense. And rather than attempt to understand it in its context and see what God was trying to say, I’d rather just make it mean what I’M trying to say. I mean, it’s been translated so many times, who knows what it really says. It’s all subjective.

What is an example of this? There are many. I’ll give you a couple. Deconstructionism will tell you that 1 Timothy 2:12 is a misunderstood verse. They will posit that there should be more female pastors in America. Another one is that there are many variations of translations of the Bible and one can’t trust the whole book to be true at its core, but must be dissected… by them! Interesting. It’s not enough that it has been dissected before they were born. Nope. They are smarter than those before them.

So let’s tackle those along with an examination of the fruits of deconstructionism. In 1 Timothy 2:12 is says, 12 “I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet.” Yes, it has been mistranslated by some to mean that a woman cannot speak in church at all at any time. That is false. With a closer look, one would see that “quiet” is directed back to the issue of authority. There are plenty of verses that suggest that women are to help others. There are plenty of verses that show women teaching and helping many, men and women alike. However, when it comes to the authority of the assembly, church, that office is designed for men. That was God’s designation.

Also, don’t forget 1 Timothy 3:2, 2 “Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach.” Some versions say one wife. But “His wife” implies one person. This will be very hard for a woman to accomplish. Yet it is one of the qualifications for being an elder or a pastor.

The Temple Scroll, from the Dead Sea Scrolls found at Qumran (Photo by VCG Wilson/Corbis via Getty Images).

Well what about the Bible being translated too many times? I’m glad you asked. The first original scrolls were found to have been scribed around 895 A.D. Around 1000 A.D. there were more scrolls found. And in 1948, a boy was chasing after a goat who ran into a cave and found another set of original scrolls that were found to have been scribed around 200 B.C.! Interestingly, the three scrolls were compared, and they were found to be completely and unequivocally identical. There were zero differences. They were also found to be identical to the first translation of the Bible into English. There were so many requirements the scribes had to meet and were so were meticulous. Things like, each line had to be exactly thirty letters, and there had to be an exact amount of lines in a column. Also, if a scribe got to the end of the Torah (the first 5 books of the Bible) and it did not end in an exact line of thirty letters, they did not follow the demands and had to throw it away and start over. This is how the scrolls from 200 B.C. MATCHED the 1000 A.D. scrolls (check that out here, how we got the OLD and NEW testaments). But you already knew that. You’re smarter than everyone you know, remember?

That’s a very brief overview of deconstructionism, from what I’ve gathered so far. Next we will talk about the fruits that it yields… go to Deconstructing Deconstructionism: Part 2- The Fruit.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Till the Ground

Parents of small/young children, I’m begging you to read this.

The issues I’m seeing the most among parenting young children these days are:

  1. We plant seed before we till the ground
    1. Tilling includes
      1. Teaching them how to obey the first time.
      1. Teaching them that we act differently in public than we do at home
  2. Too much autonomy
  3. We make the child too important

Tilling obedience.

I see many parents of young children spend a great deal of time plotting out how they are going to do creative things to help their little one grow emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. And these are good things. But if we haven’t taught them to first obey you the first time you speak, the other things you teach them will be for nothing because a) they believe the world is all about them and b) they don’t really respect you or they’d obey the first time. Asking a kid to do something is not always a good thing. Sometimes it is, but not always. Sometimes, I dare say most of the time, it is a better idea to tell them to do something, rather than to ask. Telling them or asking them multiple times shows a few things. It shows they really don’t respect your authority. They don’t believe there is a consequence to deliberately ignoring your request or demand. It shows that they believe they are so important, they don’t have to listen to you. It also shows they don’t believe you really want them to do whatever it is you’ve told them to do.

Tilling how to act in public.

I see this all the time. Actually, every time I go out. Kids are not taught to act differently in public. Therefore, they act exactly the same way in public as they do at home. There is a clear difference on how to act to not disrupt social interactions. I understand that society has defined this. I also understand that if your child is to succeed in this world, they must learn social aptitude and develop social intelligence. Teaching them that it is rude and wrong to kick the back of a chair on the plane or at the movies is necessary. Teaching them when it’s time to sit calmly and quietly and when it’s ok to run and have fun is necessary. Teaching them that destroying their dinner table at a restaurant is rude and won’t be accepted… is necessary. Teaching them not to interrupt is necessary.

Too much autonomy.

“But why can’t I go to this party? Everyone I know will be there! I should be able to make my own decisions!” My response was, “At 14 you can’t operate a vehicle. At 15 you can but with someone else in the car. At 16 you can operate a vehicle without anyone in the car, but you can’t vote. At 18 you can vote, but you can’t buy a glass of wine. At 21 you can buy a glass of wine, but you can’t rent a car. At 25 you can rent a car. Even the government knows that with age comes the ability to handle responsibility and make better decisions.” She didn’t like that, but it’s not my job to worry about what she likes.

Children are being given way too much autonomy. They are being allowed to make way too many decisions. I understand the need to let them make some decisions so they learn how to make good decisions. That isn’t an issue. The issue is in our best effort to teach them how to make good decisions, we let them make decisions they aren’t ready to make. If their chances of making a good certain decision is 0%, they’re not ready for that decision and the parent needs to make it for them. Children shouldn’t be deciding where you’re going, when you’re going, and when you’re leaving. They shouldn’t be deciding where you (or they) go to church or dinner. With each birthday, they get to decide more, but in very small increments. But this leads to the last point…

Too important.

Children are being taught that they are way more important than they really are. They are NOT more important than their teacher, their coach, their principal, their boss. They are making those decisions we just talked about because they believe they are the most important person in any room. There are serious consequences to believing this and it going unchecked by their parents.

Repercussions:

The results of these not tilling the ground before you plant the seed is that the seed will fall on ground that won’t let the seed grow. They will not take the seed seriously. Therefore, the seed is planted in vain because the ground wasn’t tilled first.

The results of too much autonomy is they don’t really learn how to make a good decision because all they do is make bad ones. It also teaches them false social interactions. They believe their way is the right way and no one tells them otherwise and when they are confronted with this in the social world, they’re met with great opposing force and don’t know why. “Mental health issues” are to follow.

The results of them being too important is simple. It puts them in a place to believe something about themselves that simply isn’t true and prohibits them from succeeding socially.

Other results include being a total disruption to your home and any social interactions you may have as a parent with other adults. Some may read this and say, “well why are we treating social aptitude with greater emphasis than self-worth?” Good question. Self-worth will come when they realize where their REAL place is in this world. If they are not believing those in authority, making too many decisions too early, and believing they are more important than they really are, they are set up for disaster, not success. I’m firmly convinced that social intelligence is FAR more valuable than self- worth, self- esteem, and academic knowledge. When you are socially apt, the rest of those attributes fall into place. Liberty resides within a set of boundaries. Without the boundaries, there is no liberty. If you want to free your children, create boundaries.

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The Debate over Abortion and School Shootings Have a Common Theme

You can’t scroll two posts without seeing someone sharing their opinion on abortion. The division. The vitriol. Everyone has an opinion and they’re willing to lose friendships over it. It’s worth noting two distinct things: 1- I won’t be covering the opinions of abortion in this and 2- the recent ruling merely returned the jurisdiction to the states, where it belonged in the first place. Nothing has been banned. The fury is over the fear that it may be banned in their state.

Just before that, it was the shooting in Uvalde, TX. A young man decided to commit multiple evil acts. Shortly after this event, the conversation about fatherless homes began to gain momentum, and rightfully so. The young man who committed those acts did not have a father in the home. I’m not shocked.

What is the connection between the two events? Lack of fathers. I firmly believe that’s the reason for the most recent outcry. If men were upholding their end of the bargain after sex, we wouldn’t have nearly the fury surrounding this issue. Mothers wouldn’t feel so helpless and alone. There would be more money available because the man is helping provide.

It started a long time ago but went something like this: President Johnson decides to lay out his plans for the “Great Society.” In it, he lays out a plan to help single mothers. He offers financial assistance to any woman that had a child in the home and no father/male in the home. While it probably had good intentions originally, it incentivized mothers to remove the men from their home so they could continue receiving money for their child. They were getting a certain amount of money per child. So not only were mothers incentivized to raise their children without fathers, they were also incentivized to have many more children to maximize their income. This is what led to the jump in fatherless homes. In the 1940’s and 1950’s, approximately 8% of white children and approximately 25% of black children were born to fatherless homes. Both of these numbers tripled by 2015. 25% of white children and 75% of black children were being born to fatherless homes. This plan obviously did not work and those negative effects were irrespective of race.

Now we’re left with the statistical nightmare of fatherless homes. Here are some of those stats:

*90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes (32 times the average).

*85% of all children who show behavior disorders are from fatherless homes (20 times the average).

*71% of all high school dropout come from fatherless homes (9 times the average).

*85% of all youth in prison come from fatherless homes (20 times the average).

*Daughters of single parents without a father involved are 711% more likely to have children as teenagers AND 92% more likely to get divorced themselves.

*90% of adolescent repeat arsonists live only with their mother.

President Obama stated in a speech that children from fatherless homes are 5 times more likely to grow up in poverty and commit a crime, 9 times more likely to drop out of school and 20 times more likely to end up in prison. Tupac Shakur recognized that he joined gangs because he searched for the things that fathers provide. He stated, “I know for a fact that had I had a father, I’d have some discipline and more confidence.”   

Studies have shown that children living with both biological parents are 20% to 35% more physically healthy than children from broken homes. Following divorce, children are 50% more likely to develop health problems. A child raised in a married family can reduce the child’s probability of living in poverty by 82%. Studies have also shown that growing up in a two-parent household is influential on reducing out of wedlock births. Studies show that kids who grow up in two parent homes have higher high school and college graduation rates as well as a higher likelihood of sustaining long term employment.

You want to fix the abortion issue for good? You want to do away with almost all school shootings? Fix those stats. Men were originally told to get out but then settled in this new life of laziness. I’m looking for an all-out revival of men stepping up and being the man God designed them to be. It takes a few things to accomplish this.

First, it takes the man willing to admit he could be better tomorrow than he is today. That’s a huge step for most men. We think we have all this figured out. Then we’re forced to admit that maybe we don’t. Once we can admit that, then we can work on it. The next thing that has to happen is men have to find someone they trust to point them in the right direction. Then they have to apply what they’re learning.

Next, their wife/girlfriend has to allow them to be who God designed them to be. She is capable of stopping that by not allowing him to lead his family. If she takes care of everything and he has no real responsibilities, he will never operate in the gifts God has given him. The wife/gf has to allow him the room to lead and make mistakes. Ouch. That’s where it gets ugly. Make mistakes? I once had someone ask me, “Well, what if you just know he’s going to make a mistake? You just let him?” My response was, “Unless you are 100% certain that you know exactly what he’s going to do and exactly what the repercussions are, then you don’t know if it’s a mistake yet or not. And even if you do, if he loves his family, then he won’t make that mistake again.”

“Men Step Up to Help Foster Families in Need Amid Pandemic“

Men have to stand up and be men. Love your spouse in front of your kids. Get them up and help get them ready for church, be the initiator. Pray over your children. Don’t know how? Ask someone to help. Serve your family by listening and caring. Caring about them more than yourself.

I’m fully convinced that the solution to the mass school shootings AND the heated abortion debate resides in the outbreak of men taking their roles and responsibilities seriously and choosing to do the right thing, even when it’s not easy. If the decision to overturn Roe v Wade did anything, it called men to step up. And if men will step up, society needs to let them.

Stay Classy GP (God’s People)!

Grainger

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What We Say

NyQuil… It’s the Nighttime, Sniffling, Sneezing, Coughing, Aching, Stuffy Head, Fever, so you can rest, medicine. These are symptoms we are all familiar with. Each year, there are periods when this “goes around.” Reminds me of the time I heard someone ask my dad if he heard the flu was going around. He said, “yeah, right around me!” In this moment, he refused to give in to the societal norm of just getting sick when everyone else got sick. He also didn’t give in to the norm of just agreeing that you will get sick, whether you know you will or not. Why is this vital?

I firmly believe that our words create action. I’ve said this before, but God said, “Let there be light”, and then there was light. His words created action. Then He went and made a bunch of people in His own image. This means OUR words create action. Consider the story of Nick Sitzman.

Nick was a hard worker, married man, had kids, a good job, and overall, a good life. The only problem was that Nick was known by all to be a bit of a worrier. He worried about most everything. So on the day he was working on a railroad car and accidentally got locked inside a car, it was no different.

The story was published in Reader’s Digest many years ago. As it goes, Nick was stuck in a freezer car. He realizes, at some point, that his coworkers had all left the worksite. Nick begins to panic because he’s in a freezer car with no way to get out unless someone gets him out. He finds a knife and begins to carve out sentences in the wood floor.

“If I can’t get out, I’ll freeze to death in here” … “It’s so cold, my body is getting numb” … “If I could just go to sleep” … “These may be my last words.”

Nick was doing what we all do in times of despair, makes observations. Only this time, he wrote them down for his wife to find. The next day, he was found dead inside that car. The cause of death was listed as freezing to death. His body showed all signs of someone’s body shutting down due to freezing.

This doesn’t sound like a remarkable story, does it? That’s because there’s one more important part of the story. The freezer car was inoperable and had been turned off (some reports say it was unplugged altogether). As a result, the temperature in the car was 55 degrees. This wouldn’t kill anyone. But wait, he died of freezing to death in a 55 degree railroad car? How?

To this day, no one can scientifically explain it. It makes zero sense to the science community. But to many psychologists, it’s quite simple. Nick Sitzman spoke into existence the desperation of freezing to death to the point that his body followed what his brain told it to. He literally spoke his death into existence.

Understand, I’m not referring to “mind over matter.” What I am referring to is that if you speak of something enough, you will begin to believe it, no matter what it is. And as you believe it, your body serves your brain. Part of the reason for this is for every thing you say once, you’ve heard it twice. You hear it in your mind before you say it, then you say it and hear yourself saying it out loud. Everything you say once, you hear twice.

An example of this is many reports that came out of the Vietnam War. Stories had been fabricated by people too ashamed to admit they didn’t take part in any actual conflict. So someone in the soup line would make up a story about how they climbed over their partner’s dead body to get a gun and kill the opposition and how horrific it was. Here’s the problem, they told these stories so much, they began to believe them and the next thing we know, the hospitals were flooded with people who are telling horrific stories from Vietnam and their minds and bodies are reacting to these stories, displaying genuine signs of PTSD. The issue here is that it was proven that these things didn’t happen. But their body and their mind were reacting as if it did happen. They said it once, they heard it twice and their body followed their brain.

With so much going around about whether we should wear a mask, masks are useless, should get a vaccine, vaccines do nothing, we find ourselves in a position to make choices about our health daily, which is new to most of us. We normally think seriously about our health about once a year. But now it’s daily. Are we saying that we are healthy and that if we get sick, are we saying we will get well? If you don’t know the future, and you have no certainty that you will or will not get well, then exactly what would it hurt to say you will get well?

I know what it would hurt, our ego. It would hurt our hope. We are afraid to say something hopeful because we have been let down so many times believing something hopeful about a situation, only to see it go the other way.

So what do we have to lose, besides a shot to our ego? Nothing. Begin to speak positively of things to come. If it doesn’t work out, there was a reason and God uses every success and every failure to move us in a forward direction. The Bible says, “The steps of the righteous are ordered.” It doesn’t say that the steps of the perfect are ordered. We’d all be doomed. But the righteous, or those in right standing, have ordered steps. Watch what you say. Your words have ENORMOUS power. If you say something horrific enough that you begin to believe it, this means you can also say something good enough that you will believe that too. So the next time someone says there’s a sickness going around, look at them and say, “right around me!”

Stay Classy GP (God’s People)!

Grainger

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He Won’t: (So Love Out Loud)

“You have to get over here now! He can’t breathe! We need to get him to the hospital!” Words you NEVER want to hear about a parent ever, but especially in their 60’s. Covid had grabbed both of my parents and it turned into pneumonia. The bad part is that my dad had spent a night in the hospital and was sent home with oxygen. So, here’s what happened:

I’m coming home from Memphis and on my way, my brother Adam calls and says he’s taking Dad to the hospital. So I tell him I’ll meet him there so his wife can stay with mom. Adam and I, with the help of an old friend named Wendy Sewell, help get him in and settled. They eventually get him admitted and won’t let us in because of covid. The next morning, I’m thinking about what to do. I’m scared. Then I think about the verse that says to come to God with a child-like faith. So I think of my children.

So I text 2 of my daughters with this: “I need you to make me a promise. Promise me that you will pray out loud where you can hear yourself say the words. I need you to pray for your healing (one of my daughters had covid) and for those you love.” One of my daughters forgot. Haha. My 19-year-old didn’t forget. When I asked and she replied yes, I told her that her Papu was going home from the hospital.

That was the first time he went into the hospital. The second time it was a little different. My brother and I try to get him to the car, and he didn’t have the strength to go 10 feet. We have to call an ambulance. Once he’s in, the word gets out and the prayers begin. We get word that a large group gathering will take place at someone’s home. There is a group of people that convene outside the hospital and go on Facebook live and pray for my Dad and one of his elders that was in the same hospital. There were hundreds of people everywhere praying for this man. That was Monday and Tuesday.

On Wednesday he had continued to decline. By the end of that day, I felt very hopeless and full of despair. I kept it to myself, other than my conversations with my wife. I had become one of the “strong ones” for my family. So I had to keep being strong around them and for them. But once alone, the despair and emotional wreckage unfolded. I had to pull over while driving one night because I just couldn’t see through tears. By Wednesday night, I had begun to think of how life was going to take place with our Dad gone. I thought of all the things that were going to be very different.

The next morning something hit me. I wondered why I had felt so hopeless when I knew that there were hundreds of people praying for Dad. ALMOST AUDIBLY, God made two statements to me. 1- “You asked your daughters to do something that you haven’t done yourself” (pray out loud, not just in my heart, spirit, or some other froo-froo word). 2- “You feel hopeless because you are leaning on the prayers of others.” WOW!

He was right. I felt like they had it covered, but it didn’t fix my despair. So I said “Ok!” I began to talk to God out loud. I asked for 20 more years but would be ok with 15. But I needed at least 15. I felt like God started bringing up me being in some sort of ministry again. I thought that was a strange time to bring that up. So I said, “Then I need 15 more years. He’s been my guide most of my life. I have a very good pastor, but I need Dad too.” No, I was not negotiating with God. God doesn’t do that. But I was pleading with him.

This took place between 9:30am and 10am. Talking to God out loud so that I could hear myself say the words. For some reason, this was very important to God. Sometime between 10:30am and 11:45am, the nurse at Dad’s side called my sister-in-law, who had been our medical liaison through this journey. The nurse said that his oxygen levels had increased without manually increasing the intensity for the first time since he arrived at the hospital. Then about 30 minutes later, the levels went up again. Then by the next morning, they went up again! W-W-W-WOW! It worked. He spoke. I listened. He listened. He chose to act in accordance with my, and many others’, requests. I was a bit dumbfounded. Not that prayer worked, I’ve always known prayer worked. But that this interaction seemed so specific and purposeful.

Do I think it was my prayer that did it? Nope. That would be very arrogant and very NOT God-like. Do I think God was trying to get my attention? Yep. No Doubt. Dad is still in the hospital and if God decides to fully heal him, it will be because of the hundreds of prayers, the doctors, all the nurses, Erin Grainger, Wendy Sewell, the drug Baricitinib, Dad’s willingness to fight, and an enormous love between two love birds that married when they were 18 years old. In fact, of all of my brothers, their wives, and my wife, I contributed the least. But make no mistake, God knew His timing would get my attention. And it did.

One thing that has stood out so far is the stoic steadfast approach that Dad has had through all of this. It is as if he never once questioned the fact that he was coming home to us, and that God would heal him. He was never shaken too strongly. He knew something the rest of us weren’t sure we were convinced of. He knew that when everything around him was shaken, he was glad he put his faith in Jesus. He had seen him be faithful through generations. He’d seen joy in chaos. He’d had peace, at times, that made no sense. He knew that his lack of strength only meant more strength for God. He knew that God had never let him down. So why would God fail him now?

He Won’t.

“Rain came and wind blew

But my house was built on you

And I’m safe with you

I’m going to make it through.”

For me, the lesson learned is that you can’t rely only on the prayers of others. You must join them and also pray. Pray out loud. Love out loud. Live out loud. And if God has never failed you before, why would he start now?

He Won’t.

Stay Classy GP (God’s People)… and listen to this song!

Grainger

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Eliminate the E.N.D.

The last kid is moved into college and the parents are back at home. The very next thing that happens is the husband and wife look at each other as if they’re looking at a stranger. The husband says, “who are you and how did you get into my house?” The wife says, “I was just about to ask you the same thing.” Slowly they begin to realize they’ve been married for 25 years and end up divorced because they don’t know their spouse anymore. I call these “Empty Nest Divorces” (E.N.D.).

I get these calls all the time in the insurance business. The wife calls to tell me that we need to split her and her husband into separate policies because they are going through a divorce. The situation is almost predictable. They are in their mid to late 40’s to mid 50’s and their youngest kid went off to college. I’m telling you that I get that call more than once a month. How can this be? How can that many people be divorcing after that many years?

Unfortunately the answer is quite simple. They put so much time, effort, and importance on their children that they never took time to cultivate their own relationship. As a result, they look up at each other and don’t even recognize the person they’re married to. They forgot that all relationships require time and effort, even their marital relationship. It’s not something you can just take for granted. Because if you do, you’ll be calling your insurance agent asking to separate the policies. You’ll be trying to explain to your grown children why thanksgivings will never be like they were. And they will begin thinking that they were the cause. If they wouldn’t have gone to college, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Believe me, just because they’re older and wiser doesn’t exclude them from the internal belief that a divorce is their fault. It happens to all children, no matter the age.  

So how do we eliminate Empty Nest Divorces? It’s not easy, but here are some steps. First, date nights must be priority. Once every 2 weeks is ideal. Once a week is too hard to accomplish and once a month may not be enough. This is top level priority. You don’t cancel, you don’t “come back to it.” You go. Go somewhere. Don’t spend money if you don’t want to. But go. Get out of the house and spend quality time together, with NO children around.

Having said that, the most important thing you can do to avoid an empty nest divorce is to keep your children Third in your life. Your life must reflect God’s design for living. In God’s design, you should have no gods before Him. Also in His design, what He put together, let NO man (mankind) separate. This includes your children. So based on that, your first relationship priority is your relationship with God. Your second relationship priority is your relationship with your spouse. That means that your relationship with your children comes after that. For more on priorities in relationships, click HERE.

Your children simply were not designed to be that important in your life. They were designed to learn from you and you being there for them to prepare them to “Leave mother and father and cling to one another.” Your children weren’t meant to be placed in a position where they are more important than your spouse. But if they become more important than your spouse, your spouse becomes a stranger to you. You grow separately and because you grow separately, you are in different areas of life. You have to grow together.

But is it really that serious? Is it really that rampant? How many people is this actually happening to? Glad you asked (ok, I know you didn’t ask, work with me here). In 2015, for every 1,000 married persons ages 50+, 10 divorced, which is up from 5 in 1990, according to data from the National Center for Health Statistics and U.S. Census Bureau. Among those ages 65+, the divorce rate has nearly tripled since 1990, reaching 6 people per 1,000 married persons in 2015. With the surge in divorces for those 50+, the empty nest puts couples at higher risk for divorce than ever before. So yes, it’s kind of a big deal.

So for those that have a chance to reverse this trend, please work on it. Your children will thank you; your spouse will thank you. Date your spouse. Don’t neglect that. Keep your children third. Then, when that last kid gets moved into college, you can look at each other and say, “now we can REALLY have some fun!” Life only gets better as you grow closer to your spouse.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger