All of us believe we are good parents. And to a degree, we are all right about that. We are doing the best we can. We’re doing the best with what we know. But what if we could know more? What if we admitted we weren’t the perfect parent? Is there room to learn? If so, then let’s see what we can learn here…
One thing I see a lot of, these days, is many parents have a few troubling characteristics:
- They are afraid to let their child get hurt by anything, ever.
- They give them enormous amounts of decision-making way too early.
- They don’t instruct with love AND discipline. It’s usually either love OR discipline. Kids need both, together.
- They also try too hard to be their kids’ friends.
- I also see parents make their child their WHOLE WORLD. As a result, we have kids that grow up thinking the world revolves around them. Then they’re forced to enter the real world and find out that it’s nothing like what mom and dad said it was going to be.
First, we have to work on perspective. Recently, I saw a post on Facebook of this cartoon picture of a kid asking the meaning of life and the mother saying “you”. While I get the idea that the child is so precious and awesome, and it was a cute picture, the reality is that isn’t even close to the truth. The meaning of life has nothing to do with children. It’s simple. To have an ongoing relationship with God through Jesus. Nothing more, nothing less. But how do children fit in to that? That’s where proper perspective comes in. They. Are. Not. Ours. Our children DO NOT belong to us. They are God’s. We are just to be good stewards of them and prepare them to launch into the world to have their own relationship with God through Jesus. Not to be their friend. Ever. Here’s why that’s important.
One of the best things you can ever do for a child is make him/her 3rd in your life. (God, spouse, children, in that order- refer to a previous blog called “Relationship Priorities” for details on that). He needs to know that he’s not that important. ALL children need to know that.
Another reason this perspective is important is that if you understand that the child is not yours, then you don’t feel the need to elevate him higher in priority than he should be. That this is temporary. That he’s going to be out in the world and you’re going to hope you did enough to prepare him for the crazy world we live in. That he shouldn’t feel the pressure of being #1 in your life. He/She should be allowed to be 3rd.
Another reason this perspective is important: if you come to an understanding that your child belongs to God and that you are merely being a good steward of God’s child, preparing him to launch in to a world where he has his own relationship with God through Jesus, then it causes you to want to have the best relationship with God that you can. Because his relationship with God is going to look exactly like yours, whatever that means. Good, bad or absent. Also, side note, his view of God will be his view of his dad (or father figure). If his dad (or father figure) is loving, the child’s view of God will be loving. If he’s negligent, his view will be that God is absent and negligent.
Decision making should increase with age and maturity. Letting a 4-year-old determine where you go to church or eat is sending a terrible signal. Letting a child not eat dinner then eat whatever they want from the fridge, another terrible signal. My options were, eat what mom cooked or starve. If you’ve seen me, you know I didn’t starve. Haha. By the way, kids can go to bed hungry. It won’t kill them. They can also fall down and scrape their knees. It’s ok. It builds their immune system. We have too many parents putting their kids in bubble wrap so they don’t get hurt by anything. Let them get hurt. It makes them stronger. More about decision making…
At age 14, you can’t drive a car at all. At age 15, you can but not alone. At age 16, you can drive alone but you can’t vote. At age 18, you can vote but you can’t buy a glass of wine. At age 21, you can buy a glass of wine, but you can’t rent a car. At age 25 you can rent a car. Even the federal and state governments, who rarely get things right, understand that with age comes more decision making, freedom and responsibility. With each birthday, let your child make decisions on something new. But remember, your job is to make decisions for them when they clearly can’t make good ones on their own.
A child needs to know that what he wants isn’t that important. Not nearly as important as his obedience. He needs to know that. The only thing that is important is obedience to you and the adults with authority in his life. You speak, he listens. If he doesn’t listen the first time, there’s an immediate consequence. Every time. Quick story about that.
Someone I knew of years ago had a kid that never listened until she got in his face and yelled for the 10th time. One day, he goes after a ball that went into the street. She yelled from the front porch to come back. Naturally, because he never listened before, he didn’t listen this time either. The boy ran in to the street and got hit by a car. He was 9. It wrecked her because she knew it was because she never made him listen the first time. Every child needs to be taught to listen the very first time. It’s hard and requires intense consistency, but it’s imperative.
Unfortunately, the single mother epidemic is another struggle in parenting and the struggle is real. From a single mother’s perspective, this is tough. Because the dad is supposed to teach him to listen and correct him when he doesn’t, and the mom is supposed to console him while reiterating and reinforcing what the dad just taught. But a single mom sometimes has to be both. Believe me, I’m fully convinced that single moms have a special place in heaven and will jump to the front of the line in the awesome stuff heaven will have to offer. One thing about all children is, they want instructions and boundaries. But they’ll never be able to tell you that. But the core of who they are loves the safety in boundaries. We have to set those. That’s what we’ll discuss in part 2 of this blog.
Stay Classy GP!
Grainger