We discussed perspectives and pitfalls in part 1. Now let’s look at some persistence and practical applications. Here are ten (10) things we can do as parents to truly prepare our child to be ready for the world and for you to have a peaceful home along the way:
1-Currency. I didn’t really spank my kids much. Obviously, I firmly believe in it, but they’re girls and I knew my anger/temper and didn’t want to hurt them physically. What I did was make sure that the consequence hurt. Whatever they were being punished for was going to hurt so they wouldn’t forget it. I found their “currency” at the time and removed it. Whatever is important to them, it’s gone when they don’t listen the first time. I made my daughter sit by me as a punishment because she loves to be active and moving. So I made her sit still. I also didn’t let her complain about what she didn’t like. I let her know there’s a consequence for that too. As a result, she sat still and quiet. She did so for 20 minutes solid without a peep one day as a 4-year-old. Then she didn’t repeat the mistake. She learned. I did that without ever raising my voice once.
2- Don’t let your children work you against each other. Always come with a united front, even if you’re arguing about something or don’t even like the spouse. They will smell a weak union and attack. It’s in a child’s nature. If a child asks for something and one parent says no, if that child asks the other parent, the answer should automatically be no, regardless of what they’re asking for and an additional punishment should be handed down. That will stop and there will be peace in your home. Otherwise, you’re asking for chaos.
3- Obedience should come before love. Know that you’re in control. He/She is a child. He needs to obey first and then his life will be more fun. He can love on you AFTER he has obeyed you. That’s something all kids do. They start loving and hugging to get out of obeying. “but mom, I love you!” your response should be “if you love me, then obey me.” Remember that a child is learning from every single thing you do, don’t do, say and don’t say. They learn from EVERYTHING.
4- Teach them to fear you. The Bible talks about something called “Righteous fear” or “Holy fear”. It’s real and it needs to be in every child. They need to have a healthy/righteous fear of the adults in their life. The way you know if he fears you is if you tell him to do something- pick something up- and he does it the first time, he fears you. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t believe you’re going to follow through with your threats. Therefore, he doesn’t fear you. That has to change. Because one day he’s going to try that on a teacher or law enforcement and it won’t go well.
5- Never give a toddler what he/she cries for. Make them stop crying then ask politely with a smile on their face. The moment you give a child something because they cried for it, they learn that this is how you get what you want.
6- Restore peace by limiting the number of responses to a “No”. Also teach the child that if the answer is no, there are certain responses that are unacceptable. I tell my kids, “Your adversity can’t define you. But your response to it WILL!” I also limit the number of “But…”. I tell them if they ask one more time, there will be consequence. Guess what happens, peace is restored.
7- Always have 2 sets of punishments ready for a teenager. One for if they tell truth and the other if they lie. They should always be positively reinforced for telling the truth and the punishment should be lighter. This will encourage them to bring you the truth every time. Also, the only way to keep an open door of communication with a teenager is to assure them that no matter what they bring you, that you won’t get angry and blow up. But rather that you’ll sit down and talk it through. If they know they can talk to you and tell you they drank alcohol at a party the other night without you getting angry and just talking to them about it, they will bring it to you. If you blow up and get angry, they’ll never bring another thing to you. There has to be a level of trust both ways.
8- Everything belongs to you. With teenagers, the sooner you establish the expectation that everything in the house belongs to you, whether they bought it or not, the more peaceful your time will be. Teenagers have to be saved from themselves and reminded daily that they are not grown. If you want their phone, it’s yours. If you want their room, it’s yours. That expectation will make your life as a parent much easier.
9- Don’t sugar coat life for them. Let them see the good and not so good. Keep an open dialogue about these things. If everything is always taboo, they’re going to go and try to find out why it’s so taboo. If you’ve already discussed it and gave them examples of the consequences, they are much less likely to fall in the same trap.
10- Make a point to teach him/her how to act in public. Let him know that there are different standards for home and public places like church and restaurants. Your job is to teach. Prepare him for life after high school. I’m sure your kid is a good kid, but he won’t be for long if he is allowed to do anything he wants without consistent consequence. My mom always said she didn’t want to raise a kid no one wants to be around. If we implement obedience habits now, the rest of their life, their relationships with teachers, law enforcement, professors, spouses, children, bosses and God, will be much smoother and healthier.
I know- it’s a lot. And it’s much easier said than done. But, unfortunately, at the end of the day, when it comes to parenting, a lot more is said than done. Begin to view your children as God’s treasure that is in your care to prepare for the world we live in. That perspective will make this journey more fulfilling. Don’t lose heart. Don’t give up. Surround yourself with parents that you want to be like and other parents that are in a similar stage of life as you. And remember, there are perfect parents out there… they just don’t have kids yet.
Stay Classy GP!
Grainger