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Who Do You Know?

I’m standing there with a group of friends and one says to another, “do you know Jim Smith?” Chris answered yes. Mike then asked, “where is he from?” Chris didn’t know. “Is he married?” Chris still didn’t know. “Does he have kids?” Again, Chris had no idea. Mike said, “I guess you don’t know him really well, do you? Haha!” (I changed all the names to protect the innocent). But this is exactly what WE do. Let me explain.

When I met Jennifer, there was a time shortly after when I wanted to know more about her. I wanted to know her better. So we became friends. I called her on the phone and we talked for hours. Sometimes 3 or 4 hours at a time. She’d call me and we’d talk for hours again. I began wanting to know what she was like. What type of things she liked. I began reading her social media posts. I began asking people who knew her to tell me more about her. All of this and we were just friends. We had no romantic feelings at all towards each other. Just friends. But I had to know her. Not just know about her. And I wouldn’t be able to tell anyone I was her friend if I couldn’t tell them some things about her. Where she was from. Where she worked… something.

Right now, if someone said, “Do you know Jason Grainger?”, if you said yes, how much information would you be able to give them? Where is he from? Where did he go to school? What does he do now? Does he have children? And the only way you find that information is by either asking people who know him and trusting they’ll give you a truthful answer or reading about him or asking him yourself.

This is precisely where most Americans get it wrong. We say, “I’m a Christian” or “I believe in Jesus.” But do we really? Or are we saying that because we kind of believe in something greater and don’t want people to judge us for not really knowing much about God or any of that spiritual nonsense?

See, if you claim, AT ALL, that you are either Christian or “believe in Jesus”, then this means you have, at least, a basic knowledge of who He says He is. And if that’s the case, this would lead you to want to know more about this man. I mean, who are you casually professing to know? Supposedly this guy allowed Himself to be murdered so you and I could live. Kind of a big deal.

I’m firmly of the belief that you CANNOT possibly claim, in any context, that you believe in Jesus, but you don’t pursue Him. Anyone that you want to know, you pursue. You read about them. Ask others about them. I tell my kids all the time that who they are is completely wrapped up in who God says they are. But the only way they find out what He says is to read about Him and what He said about us.

“But I don’t need anyone to tell me who Jesus is. I have my own belief in who He is to me!” This is said quite often. The problem is, it couldn’t be further from the truth. The reason? He was a LIVING MAN. Not a fairy tale creature in a children’s book. He lived, walked among us, and left people around Him in awe at the things He did and said. That’s like saying, “I have my own belief about who Michael Jordan is to me.” But knowing absolutely nothing about basketball or the Chicago Bulls. If I can’t tell you that he played for the Chicago Bulls or that he played for North Carolina, then my “belief system” is empty, useless and thereby wrong! I have to read about Jordan. Watch his old games. Ask people that knew about him. We don’t get to have an interpretation about facts. They’re just facts. But we do get to learn about those facts.

So here’s my challenge to us. Learn who Jesus is and was. Read everything you can get your hands on. Find out what types of things he liked and disliked. Where did He like to go? Who did He like to hang out with? What kind of promises did He make? Who was His mother? What was she like?

The only way that’s going to happen is to get around other people who are in pursuit of the greatest speaker, doctor, leader of all time. It’s going to require us to go to places where other people are talking about this man. Its going to require that we read books, articles, listen to podcasts, watch video clips. So we can learn everything we can about Him.

I’m not saying for one minute to turn yourself into a religious nut. Quite the opposite. I’m a huge sports fan. Huge fan of good music. I’m simply saying that if I’m going to say He’s someone I know, I better have done my homework.

At this point, there are times when Jennifer gives me a look and I know what she’s thinking. Just the other night she gave this look and I said, “you don’t want to fix anything for dinner and would rather go somewhere, wouldn’t you?” She just smiled. I know what she’s going to say, sometimes, before she says it. That’s because I’ve learned her nature. I’ve learned what she likes and dislikes. I know Jennifer Grainger!

If someone asks you about Jesus, what will be your response? Could you imagine someone calling you their friend but every time you call, they never answer or reply to a text? You’d probably think they weren’t a very good friend. And maybe they need to stop calling you their friend. They’re not a good friend at all. This is what I’d think if I was Jesus. He’s tried to reach out to us and we refuse to pursue a friendship with Him. We pretend to know Him in front of other people because it’s socially acceptable, but we really know nothing about Him.  

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. But it’s a good place to start learning about this man you claim to believe in. Just start. Move in a forward direction. Start now. Learn everything you can. It will literally change your life.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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The Least Likely Source

You’re looking for a sign. You’ve asked for a sign. But the entire time, it was flashing right in front of you, but you didn’t see it because you had predetermined how it should look and what it was going to be like. We’ve all been there.

It reminds me of the story of a town that was flooding. One man’s house was flooding and another man came by with a small boat and said “get in the boat or you will drown.” The man said, “My God is mighty to save and He will save me!” Then when the water was higher, a man came by with a large boat and said, “get in the boat or you will drown.” The man said, “My God is mighty to save and He will save me!” The water got so high that the man was standing on his roof. A man came by in a helicopter and said, “Get in or you will drown!” But the man said, “My God is mighty to save and He will save me!” Then the man drowned. When he got to heaven, he said to God, “I told them you would save me but you didn’t! Why didn’t you save me?!” God said, “I tried to… three times.”

It happens all too often. We expect things to look a certain way and miss out on what God wanted for us because He tried it His way instead of ours. See, He has this silly notion that He’s… well… GOD. Weird, I know. We ask for something, then decide ahead of time how this prayer will be answered. Except, God knows a better way. Here’s the problem, if we’re not open to ideas that are not our own, we miss the blessing entirely. Let me tell you a story about a little girl that had the opportunity to miss out on what God had, but instead, chose to let God be God. 

This little girl grows up with a father that was verbally abusive and an angry alcoholic. She learns to resent him and only lean on him for very practical things, but never for emotional support or love of any kind. She grows up and makes a series of bad decisions. Finds herself in front of a judge. At 16, she finds herself single and pregnant. Finds herself feeling very alone and in desperation. She turns to the least likely source as a last-resort option for help getting out of the mess she’s found herself in. She turns to the very man she resents. Her father. Given this chance, he says these words to her, “When you don’t know what else to do, turn to God and pray. He always comes through.” She did NOT expect those words to come out of his mouth. She never thought about God using her dad to point her in the right direction, but He did.

She had an opportunity to write him off as some self-promoting, insane, babbling idiot. But she didn’t. She listened. That night, she turned it all over to God. She let go of trying to figure it all out. She began living her life as if God was the only father she ever had or needed.

Today, she is a successful young lady with 5 children, one grandchild, 3 businesses, a home and a caring husband (I happen to know her quite well). All because she listened to the least likely source. It’s just another story among many. There are so many like this. But if we find ourselves having decided ahead of time what it should look like, we will miss it altogether.

I’ll leave you with this story to illustrate what I’m talking about. I met a young lady on the road during my days as a traveling musician who came to the autograph line crying. I asked why she was crying. She said because it was a miracle she was there. See… every morning before work she’d say a very quick prayer for safety then jump in the car and head to work. But one day, a Wednesday to be exact, her car wouldn’t start. She tried over and over but it wouldn’t start. She went inside, called her work and informed them she couldn’t get her car to start. She then walked outside and figured she’d give it one more shot. It started like nothing was wrong. So she headed toward work, but was late. See, she lived in Oklahoma City and her route to work takes her right by the Murrah Federal building. And had she been on time that morning of April 19th, 1995, she would’ve been right next to the truck that exploded.

Her answer didn’t come in the way she thought it would. She asked for safety and God kept her car from starting… for just a few minutes. What she originally thought was turning out to be a frustrating morning (for many others, it was a horrible day), turned out to be a life saver. A car not starting was the least likely source of an answered prayer.

What’s the prayer you’ve been asking for? The way you think that prayer should be answered… drop it and open your eyes. Chances are, it’s been answered, but in a way you didn’t expect. Begin to expect the unexpected and be open to blessings. See, if you’re looking for the wrong in everyday life, you’ll find it. But if you’re looking for the blessings in everyday life, you’ll also find them. Especially if you’re looking at the Least Likely Source.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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To Family or Not To Family… Part 2- The Pastor

Remember that school teacher you had that was one of your favorite teachers? Remember hearing that they either retired or passed away and how you felt? Sure, we all do. That person dedicated their entire life to help kids advance in life. If I asked for each of you to send me the name of that teacher, this would go on forever. The numbers are high! These days, there are more and more stories of teachers having sexual encounters with their students. Would it be fair to lump all those great teachers we just talked about in the same group with these knuckleheads that didn’t do their job correctly? Of course not. But for some reason, we do it to pastors.

We have all heard news of a pastor mishandling funds, having affairs with secretaries, abusing staff members, and other atrocities. And those victims are just that, victims. Those things should have never happened. God called those men to a high calling and everyday temptation got the best of them. And on behalf of Christians that are not that way, we’re truly sorry. These individuals don’t represent the true heart of God’s goodness. So what about those doing it right? Is it fair to lump those guys in with the entire group of church pastors in America?

In 2017, I saw a report where there were 12 cases where a teacher had a sexual relationship with a student. And that’s 12 too many. Now think about how many teachers there are in America… yep, around 3.6 Million! One doesn’t represent the other. Also in 2017, there were 10 “notable” preacher scandals. Maybe another 4 or 5 that they don’t consider notable. In 2017, there were approximately 400,000 head pastors in America. Again, one DOES NOT represent the other. You simply cannot, in good conscience, blame the 399,985 pastors who are doing it right because 15 decided they couldn’t handle the pressure of being a pastor. There’s nothing right about that.

By pressure, I mean intense scrutiny. I know of a pastor that has all glass walls in the church office. This guy understood that he’s a target. Pastors are unnecessarily targeted and scrutinized almost like a political figure. They are held, by society, to a perfect standard that no one can achieve. They’re human. But they’re not allowed to be.

They have a job. That job really isn’t to make you feel good. It’s to deliver truth. Usually, in delivering truth, it does make you feel good. Because you learn the truth that you serve a God who will never leave you, forsake you and cared enough for you that he was ok with His only son being murdered to take on and wear every single thing you and I do wrong. That selflessness alone, makes us grateful and feel better about our future.  Another truth is that we’ve all fallen short of God’s standard. Our righteousness is like filthy rags. The truth is some of us spend more time with our phones than our kids. The truth is God said we’re robbing Him by not paying tithes. Truth doesn’t always feel good.

The problem is some pastors have lost sight of that truth. They just gloss over truth so that they don’t offend. After all, it would hurt their income. And somewhere in there, they forget that God is their provider, not church members.

(click on the picture to visit the church website)

But for the ones that are delivering truth, the only way they can is if they are willing to possibly offend you. They have to know that they are just delivering what God already said and in doing so, the Holy Spirit may offend or convict you in the process. But you have to be prepared for WHEN, not if, that happens. It’s only a matter of time. Pastor Kody Woodard, of Renovation Church says, “God sees you where you are, saves you where you are, but loves you too much to leave you where you are.”

Bank on it, the pastor is going to say something you don’t like, and most of the time, he’s right. But at times, he’s dead wrong. Sometimes, he makes mistakes. We have to allow him to make mistakes. We have to allow him to be human. We have to give grace where we’ve received grace. The calling of a pastor doesn’t mean he just instantly got a “Perfection Upgrade”. He’s still a work in progress. But he has been given a job, a calling, a duty that you don’t want.

Are you ready to get phone calls at 1am that someone is very ill or had an accident and they want their pastor there? Are you cut out to conduct a funeral with a casket that is about 2 feet long? Are you ready to be constantly ridiculed for every move and every word that comes out of your mouth? Are you prepared to be the target of every attack from our society? Are you prepared to lose friends over what you know is right?  Be ready to have your motives questioned every time you make a decision. Get ready for people in your congregation to verbally assault you over speaking on a certain subject or a certain scripture because it was too “convicting”. What… you don’t want that job? Well that’s the job your pastor signed up for and knew that’s what he was getting into… and he did it anyway. Because he loves God and God’s people more than himself! No, I don’t understand it either, but the next time you are quick to attack a pastor, look at his heart before you jump to conclusions. Chances are, he’s really trying his best. Remember, there’s ONLY ONE perfect person to ever live… and he’s not pastoring any church.

I know that growing up, my dad said many things that I didn’t like. He often made decisions that were right- though I didn’t know it at the time. He, sometimes, made decisions that were wrong. But at the end of the day, me and my brothers knew we were loved, protected and cared for. Even when we were mad. Because that’s what family does. They butt heads – then forgive each other. If you want church to be a family, be ready for what family really is. The benefits are immeasurable. So, to family or not to family… it’s up to you.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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To Family or Not To Family… Part 1- The Church

Remember those pesky brothers and sisters you had growing up? Remember when they did things that got on your nerves? Remember when your parents said something that made you so angry you could bite a nail in half? Now… remember when you got to leave all of that and get new brothers, new sisters, and new parents? Yeah… me neither.

“Dad, I unfriend you!” … “That’s not how this works. That’s not how ANY of this works!”

We all remember the first few things I mentioned. The times when we hated our siblings. When they purposely got on our nerves when we had friends over. When they had to stick their nose in everything you were doing. But we also remember the times when someone else was mean to them. My little brother Adam could tell you stories of how we fought but can also tell you the time a kid older than me punched him in the face. And what happened to said kid’s face (I’m not condoning violence).  I’m just saying that we say we don’t like them, then when they’re under attack we immediately go to their defense. How in the world can this happen?

As much as I’ve studied this topic, I still don’t truly understand it. What I do know is this: God designed it this way. It’s a natural reaction to take care of those close to us, whether we like them or not. It is innate.

Here’s where this conversation gets tough. The church. Oh boy, I said it. Just hear me out. We want to call the church a “family”, but in reality, we don’t really view it as family at all. We view it as a bunch of things, but family isn’t one of them- when really, family should be the primary one.

We view church as a social event. “take a pic for Instagram honey so people see how cool we are!” We view it as a place to GET something. A place to meet people. Nothing wrong with meeting people and getting things needed while at church. But when we really view it as family, church hopping will slow down to a crawl. As of now, it’s a super highway moving at Autobahn speeds. Don’t like what the pastor said about seeking God daily? We just leave. Go somewhere else. Don’t like the guy next to you because he wore a Bama jersey to church? We leave. While these seem like extreme examples, and they may be, they’re really not that far off.

As with any relationship, you don’t really know what kind of relationship you have or how strong it is until you are faced with real adversity. That’s when you get to see where your relationship really is. In a family, when your “dad” says something you don’t like, you learn to deal with it because eventually, you get to a place where you know he loves you and wants the best for you. When your brother gets on your nerves, you just go to a different room of the same house. Oh but church, no… you find a completely different house. You go to the next church with some delusional belief that your jacked up problems somehow won’t find you at the next place. News flash…They do!

Imagine, if you will, a place where you hear the Pastor say something you don’t like and just chew on it and ask God what it is that’s bothering you. Only to find out that it’s something YOU need to change and not the pastor or the church. Imagine a place where you don’t have to be everyone’s best friend but when someone attacks your brother, the one that gets on your nerves, you are quick to defend and can’t really explain why. Imagine a place where things aren’t always perfect and squeaky clean. We’re all kind of weird. We all have issues and problems. But we have these issues together. We walk through them together. We don’t bail out when the Pastor says something we don’t like or agree with. A place where you realize that he’s human. Just like your imperfect dad or mom you had growing up. Imperfect but doing their best.

Now imagine a God, a COVENANT God, getting the opportunity to shower you with rewards, gifts, blessings because you stuck through the hard times to get to the good times. Your obedience to His direction in your life leads to blessings that you can’t measure.

The same goes for the people in the church. Those people that are called hypocrites because they are church goers but also… wait for it… make mistakes. Well that just can’t happen. You go to church. You’re not allowed to make mistakes! It. Is. Family. We all make mistakes. We all say and do things someone else doesn’t like. But at the end of the day, we’re still family.

Church faces is an epidemic that usually doesn’t exist in a real family. We put on these Instagram faces like everything is ok and refuse to let anyone think we don’t have it all together. Afraid of what they may think and afraid of being judged. You get NOWHERE with church faces. The junk is still there. We’re just pretending it’s not. We MUST take those off. We have to be vulnerable. You CANNOT love until you’re vulnerable enough to be hurt. Family doesn’t keep church faces on. Family doesn’t think less of someone going through something tough because they remember going through something tough as well. Family also does so much more.

Family cooks meals for mothers who just gave birth. Or for people who were injured in accidents. Family rallies together to take care of another family member’s yard. Family holds you when your child is in the hospital after overdosing on drugs. Family doesn’t leave your side when you get sick, they run to your side. And it’s important to note that sometimes, you are on the receiving end. But more often, you are on the GIVING end. But if you’re not there, someone missed out on a blessing you had to give. You are needed by your family.

So the next time you and your spouse are pulling out of the church parking lot and they say, “I don’t think I liked church today”, back up, remember you are family and seek God before you just hop on the next family train. Real family doesn’t bail in time of need. Real family sticks it out even when it’s uncomfortable.

Part of family is a “Father” that is leading the family. We dive head first in to that in part 2 of this blog.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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The Blended Bunch (part 2)

So we covered the array of emotions and difficulties children go through when attempting to blend a family. But what about the spouses? They’re trying to build a new life together. They’re still figuring out whether they can deal with the fact that he squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube instead of the end. She pulls the toilet paper from the back. He sleeps with the fan on. She likes the TV on when she sleeps. Adults have enough on their plate before we even get in to the conversation of children.

To fully understand the biblical priorities, please refer to an earlier blog I wrote called “Relationship Priorities”. It covers the 5 relationships we have and the order in which they are to be prioritized. In that, you’ll find spouses 2nd and children 3rd. In blended families, they have to be navigated very carefully. There are two different scenarios to think about: before you marry someone with kids and after you have married someone with kids.

BEFORE: I know that in my experience, one of the things that was going to determine whether I could marry Jennifer or not was her kids. If I didn’t like her kids, I wasn’t going to like her. It turns out that she has great kids. They are all smart and have great potential to change this world one heart at a time. They all have big hearts. This is important. If you want someone so bad that you’re willing to put up with kids you can’t stand, you may need to reevaluate your reasons for wanting that person. I can promise you that if it’s for money or any other tangible asset, it’s just not worth the financial gain. You will continue to be miserable on the inside. This wealthy man/woman can’t fix that. Promise.

Another thing I’ve found is that if you aren’t ok with being single, you won’t be ok with being married. Singleness is vital to a healthy marriage. As I’m typing this, my wife is on her way to hang out with girlfriends. An insecure, overly co-dependent man would attempt to forbid this. I’m encouraging it for a few reasons. One, I want the same encouragement when I hang with my guys. Two, it’s the right thing to do. Three, away time is a good thing. You read that right. A GOOD thing.

This conversation was something Jennifer and I understood well before we decided to marry or even date. She loved my daughters. I loved her kids. I haven’t always been crazy about her kids. She hasn’t always been crazy about my girls. But at the core, they’re good kids and we are a family. Albeit a jacked up, crazy, loud, diverse family… we’re still a family. But if I didn’t love her kids and she didn’t love my daughters, we wouldn’t have lasted a year. Maybe not even that long.

AFTER: So there you are, in a new relationship where you love the other person but aren’t really sure about their kid(s)… You’ll want to figure that out before you go another step. First, check your heart. Decide what it is about their kids you don’t like. Then decide if it’s something you can work through and/or get over, even if they don’t change. But if you decide to despise their kids the entire time you’re married, one of two things will happen. Either your marriage will greatly suffer and eventually end from the negative rhetoric or you will find that eventually their children want nothing to do with them. Both are vastly tragic. Your children need you. Their children need them. Now more than ever! Your spouse needs you. In a blended family, the spouse needs proper attention, but the children need more attention. The adults have to be adults and understand that until there is an acceptance of a new normal, they’ll need as much time as they need to reacclimate. There’s no deadline on this. You can’t be impatient (like I was). You can’t push the issue (like I did). You have to be very patient with every child and their unwillingness to adapt. Eventually they will. But regardless, adults have to be adults.

What we can’t do is divide and conquer. Division in a home will always lead to vulnerability, which leads to a welcomed attack from the enemy, which will end the relationship. It just can’t stand divided. In Matthew 12:25, Jesus says this very thing. How important is it that the house is united?

I once heard the story of Bob Mumford taking his seat on an airplane. He soon finds that he is seated next to a high priest in the satanic church. So he strikes up a conversation. During their conversation, the thing that stood out the most was this comment from the high priest in the satanic church, “We have goals, but our number one goal, by far, is to remove the fathers from the homes. If we can do that, the family will destruct and make our mission that much easier.” THAT is how important fathers and family unity are. Even the enemy recognizes it.

So check yourself. Look inward. Because the children need a united front. And blended children need more than that. These children deserve to have love, direction and guidance from a parent and a bonus parent that loves them. If you’ll commit to work at this and not give up, the blessings are immeasurable …And that’s how they became the Blended Bunch!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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The Blended Bunch (part 1)

Here’s a story… of a lovely lady… you know the rest. Eight…8! That’s the number of children My wife and I have parented… so far. 5 of hers, 3 of mine. I’m often asked how we manage that. I usually say with lots of alcohol. Ha! No but really, it’s a very tricky situation.

On one hand, Biblical priorities say the spouse is before the children. Children are third (Please refer to an earlier blog titled “Relationship Priorities”). On the other hand, children go through something that they never asked for (divorce) and are thrown into something else they didn’t ask for (a step-parent). And a much larger amount of grace and understanding are required to get through all of this.

Things to expect: children act out. They display their disapproval in different ways, but they all display it. If you think, for a minute, that your children love this new arrangement, you haven’t been paying attention. I’ve heard adults close to me say they still hold out hope their parents will get back together…and they’ve both been remarried for 15+ years. This desire doesn’t go away for some. So what do we do about it?

The only thing we can do is love them. Love them beyond their merit. They don’t deserve the amount of love we have to give them in these moments. But I don’t deserve the amount of love Jesus showed on the cross either. So I’m passing on the same unconditional, unmerited, undeserving love to my children and bonus children (not using “step”).

Things to expect: they’re going to feel like they are in the middle of a tug-of-war. Regardless of how hard you try to avoid it, it’s going to be how they feel. They can’t display love for mom around dad. They can’t display love for dad around mom. Or at least they don’t think they can. I once heard the story of a child that asked his dad, “Is it ok if I hate you while I’m at mom’s and love you while I’m here?” To which the dad said “Sure”. He understood the internal war this child was dealing with… that the child never asked for. It’s up to the adults to act like adults and make sure the children know that they are still very much loved by everyone.

Things to expect: children will play you against both their other parent and your new spouse. They will attempt to divide you and your spouse because they feel the need to make sure they maintain their primary role in your life. They usually do this when they haven’t been shown enough attention. And before you say, “they shouldn’t be attention seeking”, remember, this is a very unique situation that they didn’t ask for. Most children, regardless of what you say, believe their parents are divorced because of something they did wrong. If only they had done something better or not been so bad, their parents would still be together. We obviously know this is very wrong. Another reason why they need much more attention than the average child. That’s also where this whole “blended family” thing gets real dicey.

You have to keep children third, but you have to show them that they are a strong third. You also need to recognize the unique relationships of each individual child. My relationship with Ethan, 18, is very different than that with Colton, 11. With Ethan I’m more of a guidance. With Colton I’m more of a disciplinarian. With both, I suck terribly because I’m a girl dad.

One thing I recall was that early on, Bristol (16), my bonus daughter, was struggling with self-worth. Neither her mom nor her dad did or said anything to cause that… but she felt it the same. She seemed to be unconsciously “wearing” the shame and guilt of the divorce. I gave her extra love. Extra attention. I flooded her with positive speak. I literally picked her up one day and said, “We’re going for a drive.” I proceeded to unleash things like, “You’re smart and beautiful and will accomplish some amazing things one day and I can’t wait to watch it! And if any boy doesn’t see how amazing you are, kick him to the curb quickly!” Eventually, that swagger came back and she was back to the same old super-confident Bristol. Those of you who know her laughed when you read that sentence. This young lady commands a room when she enters. Haha.

Keep in mind that Bristol and Ethan reminded me more than once that “you’re not my dad!” My daughters reminded me that Jennifer wasn’t their mom. And still, Jennifer washed their sheets, washed their clothes, shopped for make up with them, bought them groceries they would like. Jennifer consistently went way above and beyond for my daughters, understanding that they needed extra attention during this transition period.

Things to expect: They’re going to disapprove of anything resembling the new spouse. What we can’t do is get so frustrated with the process that we stop the consistency or give up altogether. They are going to be resistant to anything that shakes up what they have always known. But eventually…. Eventually they warm up, they begin to see love from all directions. I’ve heard the analogy of a crock pot. You take many ingredients and put them in the pot. It slowly warms up. The potatoes get softer quicker than the carrots. So now you have soft potatoes but very crunchy carrots. It just takes the carrots longer than the potatoes to warm up and get soft. But you don’t turn the pot off. You also don’t turn the heat up on the pot. You just let it be what it is. Eventually, everything in the pot is simmering well together and all ingredients are soft and now blend well together. Now my daughters are asking Jennifer to do their hair; help them with certain tasks they know Jennifer is good at accomplishing.

It never does get perfect, but it gets a lot better. But what about the difficulties that take place between spouses that are trying to now build a new life together? Glad you asked. That’s part 2.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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A Walk Down Thankless Lane

Let’s take a walk down thankless lane…

I can remember growing up, I played a lot of sports. No matter which sports I played, there were a few constants. I wanted to win. My coach liked to yell. If I was disrespectful to anyone, I was quickly dealt with. Win or lose, I got my juice box and relaxed on the ride home. But I never remember the refs. In fact, we were always told not to say a word to the refs… that this was coach’s job, not ours. So we never got involved in the ref bashing. As I got older, that changed. My smart mouth got me in so much trouble, that I literally once called out a defense “Twelve!”, which was our 2-1-2 and was given a T. The ref said “I heard what you said!” I said “yes, my teammates heard it too… I called the defense.” He looked at the coach and said “if you don’t take him out, I’m going to throw him out!” The fact was… I had a reputation… and not a good one. I remember a lot of fun things, bad things, tough things from those days in sports. But one thing I can never remember doing back then was… well… I don’t ever remember thanking the refs. Ever. For anything.

I can remember when I was little, my dad was my coach. So he had to be at every game. He would’ve been regardless. He went to work. Took that money and put me and my brothers in sports. I can remember him coming to my brother’s defense because I couldn’t. I can remember him working late hours just so we didn’t have to ask if we were going to eat that night. I can remember him driving all the time so my mom didn’t have to bother with that…. She was too busy reaching in to the back seat smacking us around. Ha. I remember every time someone died, the family called him and he left. Every time someone was very ill, he was called, and he left. I remember the absolute tongue-lashing he gave an elementary school principal for man-handling me in the parking lot. I remember the times he would go to practice when he wasn’t the coach. I remember the time he built me and my brother bunk beds… of which my younger brother pushed me off and gave me my first broken bone. One thing during all of that I don’t remember… well… I don’t remember thanking him. For any of it. Ever.

Then there’s the time a police officer pulled a speeding teenager over who had to give a presentation for school and didn’t know how to tie a necktie so he was on his way to his friend’s house to get help. The police officer had him get out of the car and he tied the young man’s tie. Or the time the officer saw a homeless man with no shoes on and went and bought the guy new shoes and socks and put them on him. How about an officer in Pennsylvania is eating at a restaurant the day after the Dallas shootings where a man killed 5 police officers and injured 11 more just because they were the police. A couple is about to be seated next to the officer’s table. They abruptly say “no, I don’t want to sit there.” They made eye contact and it was clear why they didn’t want to sit near the officer. This officer paid for their meal in an effort to bridge the gap. These officers have a couple of things in common besides being police officers. 1-They did what they did because they care about people and had no idea their act of kindness would go public. They just did it because it was the right thing to do. 2- And the other thing they have in common is that most likely, when they went to their next call, they were not thanked… by anyone.

So here’s a big thank you. To the ref that gets underpaid and overworked. Who gets yelled at every single night on the job. Who gets ridiculed and has his character questioned every 5 minutes while attempting to do his job to the best of his ability. Who gets called everything BUT a referee by the multitudes shouting down towards him as he runs by. Who is given no credit for the countless hours he or she spends reading the rule-book and watching plays to get better. Who leaves his family night after night. To the guy who cares about his sport but cares about the kids and the relationships MORE. THANK YOU for the sacrifices you make.

Here’s a huge thank you to the dads that sacrifice tirelessly without ever receiving or even expecting a thank you. To the guy that speaks life into his daughter. To the guy that won’t let his son settle for mediocrity. To the guy that always eats last and listens first. To the guy that works but lets the kids enjoy the fruits first. To the guy who stays up late to make sure all the Christmas gifts look just right (if a kid reads this, this is before Santa comes). To the guy that teaches his boy to be a man by treating his wife with the utmost respect and serving first rather than receiving first. To the guy that works hours on his daughter’s car just in time for her to jump in it and go be with her friends. THANK YOU.

To the officer that risked his life so that we can be safe. To the guy that realizes he may be saying “have a good day” to his wife for the very last time… every time he goes to work. To the guy that does it right only to be overshadowed by the bad apples. To the officer that is ridiculed and scoffed at and chooses not to take that home. He leaves it at work. To the guy that gets called every vile name in the book and still does CPR on that person to make sure they live. To the guy that defends your right to call him a Pig. To the countless, life-changing sacrifices you make on a daily basis… THANK YOU. 

Do yourself and your community a favor and start finding the thankless and thanking them. It will go a very long way. Stop talking about how the world needs to change and BE the change you want to see. Start with Gratitude. If you’ll start each day with gratitude, the rest of the day stays in proper focus and perspective. Prove me wrong. I dare you.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger

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Why Did We Get Married?

Why did we get married?

Great question. Most people will answer that they love their spouse. So because they’ve fallen in love, they get married. On the surface, that sounds normal and reasonable. There’s a large problem with this motive, though.

I mentioned in a previous blog that Jesus didn’t die for you and I. I said that he gave his life because he was being obedient to his Father and as a result, you and I are eternally joined to the creator of the universe. Perspective. It’s important to keep proper perspective. If our perspective is that he did it for us, then the conversation before the betrayal means nothing. He wouldn’t really care what his dad thought. He would just do what he thought was best and say “Dad will understand.” But he didn’t. The perspective here is to do what your Father has instructed and everything else will flow from there.

Let’s look at something that most of us can relate to. When we came into covenant with God, we didn’t know how to love Him. It was only after we chose to surrender our will and choose to get to know Him that we began to see all of the benefits and began to love Him for who He is. The covenant and obedience came first and the love was born out of that obedience. This quote by Jackie Hill Perry says it well:

“Choose to love even when you don’t feel like it. Obedience often precedes affection.” -Jackie Hill Perry

We must do what God instructs us to do because of our obedience, respect, reverence and honor. We do it because He said do it. Not because we like it or want to. If we happen to want to, then good. But our “want to” is not required for our obedience. What does this have to do with marriage? Another great question.

I remember looking my wife in the eye and telling her that I didn’t ask her to marry me because I loved her. That it’s the wrong reason. She looked a little perplexed. But I explained that I asked her because through all of my searching, praying and seeking God, she kept coming to the forefront of my mind. I explained that I believed this was what God wanted and it wasn’t up to me to decide against it. I married her because I believed God had designed this and put us together.

“If you do something God told you to do because you want to, you will stop doing it because you don’t want to.” –Charles Simpson

If you get married to someone because you feel love for someone, you will divorce them because you no longer feel that love for them. I hear celebrities say all the time, “We fell out of love so we got divorced.” The reasoning simply cannot be for the love of that person. It has to be for the love of God and that you believe God has put this together. Because you will, inevitably, come to a place where you don’t feel love. When he eats loudly… when she throws your good stuff away… when he won’t put the toilet paper roll on correctly… when her cosmetics are all over the sink… you will need more than the feeling of love to get past these things. You will need the conscience understanding that God put it together and it’s not up to you to end that covenant. With that understanding, it becomes much more difficult to walk away. There will be a time when it will ALL be tested. You will need an outside opinion and outside instruction to get you two on a path of unity. You will need to do things to “spice up” the relationship of the person you’ve been with for many years. If these are things you are unwilling to do for the sake of a God-given unity, then don’t get in. Don’t waste anyone’s time. Because Jesus said, “in this world you WILL have trouble…” Not might, or could… but WILL.

Pastor Michael Todd once said that the characteristics of love in 1 Corinthians 13 requires sacrifice and a willingness to die to ourselves that most of us aren’t willing to do outside of a full commitment. He’s gone so far as to say that marriage comes before love. I agree. You don’t really know what kind of relationship you really have until it’s tested. Until you find yourself in a fire, you don’t know what you’re made of. Adversity is the ONLY way to know where you stand as a couple and where you’re headed.

So prepare yourself. Prepare to wake up to their snoring and know you’re committed. Prepare to be surprised by that awful fart and know you’re still committed. Brace yourself for the fruit of the forbidden tree to start looking appealing and know ahead of time that this is the enemy.

One last note about the marriage covenant itself. Why is it so important? Yet another great question. God holds His relationship with us of the utmost importance. The relationship between husband and wife is held just under that. Every other relationship, including with your children, come after those two. So if God sees it that important, so should we. I once heard Ravi Zacharias teach that the Greek text of the Bible speaks of four types of love. They had four different words for what we universally call “Love”. Agape- Unconditional love; Phileo- brotherly love; Storge- protective or parental love; Eros- romantic love. The marriage covenant is the only relationship that encompasses all four types. Therefore, it is a sacred union to God. It’s not a feeling. It’s a covenant. The decision isn’t about how you feel. The decision is about WHO put this together and who you vowed to stay committed to. It’s not easy. No one ever promised that. But nothing worth having is. It’s work. It’s dying to yourself. Remember, the key to life summed up in one word is “others”.

“Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, STAND.” Ephesians 6:13

Stay Classy GP!

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She Will Marry YOU

She’s Going to Marry You

I’d give anything to go back to the day when my daughter, Rainey, was 3 years old. She dressed up in a wedding dress and made me walk down the aisle with her. Fast forward 13 years and she introduces me to her boyfriend…and he looks like a mini-me. Not that I didn’t already know it, but it really hit me at that moment… She’s dating…me.

I’ve said before that all I was ever around growing up was boys. All my friends were boys with the exception of 2 amazing young ladies. And they were tomboys. So I quickly bought some books on how to be a father to a girl. I was literally thinking, “What do girls eat? Do they really cry about everything? I wonder what my jail cell will look like when she’s 16.” I had no clue! After reading some books on it, I gained a new understanding and appreciation for girls.

I learned that if you break them, if you’re too loud when getting on to them, if you show any amount of anger, it breaks them. They don’t recover as quickly as boys. They hold on to that grudge (some things never change no matter how old they get). You have to be gentle and win them over. But the biggest thing I learned had nothing to do with discipline.

I learned that their entire view of themselves comes directly from ME. Great. I definitely didn’t feel adequate for this. Her self-esteem, self-image, self-worth, comes from me… good or bad. If I treat them with respect, they will respect themselves. If I love them, they’ll love themselves. If I talk down to them, they’ll think down of themselves. It’s all related. Mothers are great teachers but it’s scientifically proven that absent fathers leave a huge void in their daughters that they look for in every man they encounter. Fathers possess something that mothers don’t.

God created mankind with relationships in mind. The most important relationship being between God and us. Fathers are the representation of God to his children. If we’re mean and absent, they’ll grow up thinking God is mean and absent. If we are gentle and positive, they’ll grow up thinking God is gentle and positive. 

Obviously, there is grace (and an extra special spa in heaven) for single mothers. But at the end of the day, it’s simply not God’s design for children to be fatherless. Children, especially girls, need fathers. I remember the story of Bob Mumford being on a plane sitting next to a high priest in the satanic church. This priest told him that their number one objective is to remove fathers from the family and Christian church. Even Satan recognizes the need for fathers. The easiest way for an enemy to win a battle is to make you think there isn’t one to begin with. So let’s all agree now…that there is a battle. A battle for fathers. We can also agree that we’ll help each other out in those dark times where the battle/opposition seems too strong. BE THERE FOR HER.

Because she will marry… YOU.

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Relationship Priorities

Relationship Priorities:


This gets quite sticky and murky for some people, but it doesn’t have to be. God created things in life to be in a certain order. If we stay in that order, we find peace that passes all understanding. If we don’t, we find constant strife and can’t figure out why. Well, let me explain why…
Our relationships should be in this order:

1- God
2- Spouse
3- Children
4- Church family
5- Everyone else

The problem is simple. We get these out of order based on something someone did or didn’t do. Most of us find ourselves putting #3 ahead of the first 2. “But I have to be here for the kids first. Hubby don’t like it, he’s got to go!” That’s a problem. Huge problem. But it’s very common. There is an epidemic of kids growing up thinking they are much more amazing than they are. That merely being born entitles them to rights above anyone else. They are living with the belief that the world has short changed them because it’s nothing like what mom and dad said it would be. We see a growing number of kids that are questioning and disrespecting authority with no reason. They have no regard for any authority figure. Sometimes it’s because their authority figure is really their friend…oops, I said it. What I’ve found is that often times, the parents don’t realize they are in error until it’s too late. They don’t want to raise an irreverent kid, but it’s happening. They don’t want to raise a kid that can’t take care of themselves, but a 30 year old had to be kicked out of his parents’ house… by a judge. So for those that are wondering if you’re getting it right as a parent, God gives us many ways to tell.

My mom always said she never wanted to raise a child that no one wanted to be around. She succeeded in trying with all 4 boys but unfortunately, I’m not a highly sought after guy. Haha. But what I was taught will stick around forever. My dad once grabbed me and literally threw me out the front door and said, “Don’t come back until you learn how to talk to my wife!” What stuck out was that he didn’t called her mom, or by her name. He called her “my wife.” That sent the message that she was more important than I was. She came before me. I apparently needed to hear that.

When a child knows he or she is first, they live in a place of (false) authority that was never granted by God. This improper placement of authority causes them to say and do things that are not in line with God’s design for children. But when they know they are 3rd after God and mom/dad, they begin to know their place. Their place is NOT the center of our universe. Their place is to learn to obey, love, and honor…in that order. Notice I said obey first. If they’re taught to obey, they will know how to love and honor. As adults, God requires obedience from us that seems impossible at times. How can they be prepared for that if we don’t teach it to them as kids?

This one’s tough, but has to be said again- You are NOT called to be your children’s friend. You were called by God to be a good steward over what is God’s. To teach, instill, and prepare them to “leave mother and father and cleave to each other”. Regardless of how backwards this sounds, if children are given boundaries (discipline), they feel safe, even though they are crying because they didn’t get their way. If they see that mom and dad are together on issues, there is large place of protection that they are aware of but don’t know how to communicate that. Not only do they not know how to communicate it, they test it to make sure it’s strong. If they see that they really aren’t that important…that mommy and daddy come before them, they will learn obedience, God’s order, true love, and it will prepare them to know the heart of God and be successful in their relationships in the future. He created everything to bring us closer to Him. This can’t happen if we’re shifting relationship priorities around.

Now I understand the things that happen. “My husband is abusive.” Or “my wife is an alcoholic…so I put all my effort in to someone who loves me unconditionally. Makes sense to me.” But it doesn’t make sense to God. Paul said “I die to myself daily”. What makes sense to God is to put all your effort in mending the marriage relationship FIRST. Out of that restoration, the children will flourish. But not until then. If you shift your focus that belongs on your marriage over to your children, you have placed a burden on them that they can’t handle…that they shouldn’t handle. Worse yet, if you place God second to anyone, you have walked right out of God’s order and the blessings cease. Please understand that by blessings, I don’t mean money. God’s not limited to money. I mean that when you need peace under pressure, when you need something to lift you up over a storm that you can’t handle, you have no idea where to turn…because you walked out of God’s favor, blessing, and order. But, when God is first, your spouse is second and your children are 3rd, and when those times come, you will know how to handle them because “the steps of the righteous are ordered.” This is a lot easier to say than it is to do, but it needs to happen.

We (starting with me) have to understand our proper roles in raising children and always remember that YOU ARE TEACHING THEM IN EVERYTHING YOU DO AND DON’T DO. They are always learning from you. Whether you realize it or not. If my daughters cried for something as a small child, they immediately forfeited their right to it solely based on the fact that they cried for it. If they asked politely, they got it almost every time. The times that they didn’t receive it, most of the time, they were explained why and they understood, most of the time. They were learning early on that crying for something was the wrong way to go about it. As a result, I feel as though I have well-adjusted girls that understand that everything I do or don’t do is out of love and God’s order. If this spoke to you, feel free to share. It’s meant to encourage, not condemn.

Stay Classy, GP (God’s People).

Grainger