Most of us have enjoyed the beauty of a painting. Artists spend their time crafting what they believe to be a good painting. When they are done, they sign the painting somewhere on the canvas. The creator makes a mark on the painting that only he can make signifying it is his. Our Creator did the same thing. I’ll explain.
I was in the doctor’s office waiting room with my daughter watching a few kids play. One kid concerned me a little. She kept trying to put the square piece in the round hole. Over and over she tried. She finally threw the square piece. Then she picked up the triangle piece and put it in the round hole. Again, didn’t fit. She threw that one too. It seemed no matter which block she picked up, if it wasn’t the round one, it wasn’t going to fit.
Then it hit me. This is exactly what we do in life. We go through life trying to find something that will fill the hole in our inner most beings, but it never seems to fit perfectly. We look up and wonder why we are still miserable.
I recently watched the Johnny Football documentary. He had achieved everything he had ever dreamed of and more. He was a D1 star. He made more money than he knew what to do with. He beat Alabama. Ha. He won the Heisman as a freshman. He was drafted in the first round of the NFL. Then, sitting on his couch in Cleveland, he was miserable. All of that still didn’t equate to fulfillment. He tried taking his own life. The only reason he’s alive is because the gun malfunctioned.
Then there’s the time Deion Sanders attempted to take his own life after winning the super bowl 3 times. Or how about the time Dennis Rodman contemplated taking his own life. He had won championships. But he was miserable.
Robin Williams was a living legend. Kate Spade had more money than I’ll ever see. Anthony Bourdain had his own show traveling the world doing what he loved. It wasn’t enough. There’s a reason.
There’s a hole or void in our souls in a certain shape. It’s the shape of God. We have all tried to put things there that don’t fit. Money, substances, fame, cars, friends, careers, our spouses, our kids. They don’t fit. But we try to make them fit. Then we look around and wonder why we are miserable. We are miserable because we are trying to make a square block fit in to a round hole.
When it comes to the creation, the Creator was clever. He made you almost whole. But he left one piece out. And made sure that it was only in the shape of Him. After all, He did say He made us in His image.
So if you are in a place where you can’t figure out why you are miserable, apathetic, sad, frustrated, lonely, full of anxiety… it may be that you still need to fill that void with the right shape. If you will just give up trying the other things, that don’t seem to be working, and fill your void with the shape of God, you will find that there’s peace and relaxation in this. Try it. What do you have to lose?
You can’t scroll two posts without seeing someone sharing their opinion on abortion. The division. The vitriol. Everyone has an opinion and they’re willing to lose friendships over it. It’s worth noting two distinct things: 1- I won’t be covering the opinions of abortion in this and 2- the recent ruling merely returned the jurisdiction to the states, where it belonged in the first place. Nothing has been banned. The fury is over the fear that it may be banned in their state.
Just before that, it was the shooting in Uvalde, TX. A young man decided to commit multiple evil acts. Shortly after this event, the conversation about fatherless homes began to gain momentum, and rightfully so. The young man who committed those acts did not have a father in the home. I’m not shocked.
What is the connection between the two events? Lack of fathers. I firmly believe that’s the reason for the most recent outcry. If men were upholding their end of the bargain after sex, we wouldn’t have nearly the fury surrounding this issue. Mothers wouldn’t feel so helpless and alone. There would be more money available because the man is helping provide.
It started a long time ago but went something like this: President Johnson decides to lay out his plans for the “Great Society.” In it, he lays out a plan to help single mothers. He offers financial assistance to any woman that had a child in the home and no father/male in the home. While it probably had good intentions originally, it incentivized mothers to remove the men from their home so they could continue receiving money for their child. They were getting a certain amount of money per child. So not only were mothers incentivized to raise their children without fathers, they were also incentivized to have many more children to maximize their income. This is what led to the jump in fatherless homes. In the 1940’s and 1950’s, approximately 8% of white children and approximately 25% of black children were born to fatherless homes. Both of these numbers tripled by 2015. 25% of white children and 75% of black children were being born to fatherless homes. This plan obviously did not work and those negative effects were irrespective of race.
*90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes (32 times the average).
*85% of all children who show behavior disorders are from fatherless homes (20 times the average).
*71% of all high school dropout come from fatherless homes (9 times the average).
*85% of all youth in prison come from fatherless homes (20 times the average).
*Daughters of single parents without a father involved are 711% more likely to have children as teenagers AND 92% more likely to get divorced themselves.
*90% of adolescent repeat arsonists live only with their mother.
President Obama stated in a speech that children from fatherless homes are 5 times more likely to grow up in poverty and commit a crime, 9 times more likely to drop out of school and 20 times more likely to end up in prison. Tupac Shakur recognized that he joined gangs because he searched for the things that fathers provide. He stated, “I know for a fact that had I had a father, I’d have some discipline and more confidence.”
Studies have shown that children living with both biological parents are 20% to 35% more physically healthy than children from broken homes. Following divorce, children are 50% more likely to develop health problems. A child raised in a married family can reduce the child’s probability of living in poverty by 82%. Studies have also shown that growing up in a two-parent household is influential on reducing out of wedlock births. Studies show that kids who grow up in two parent homes have higher high school and college graduation rates as well as a higher likelihood of sustaining long term employment.
You want to fix the abortion issue for good? You want to do away with almost all school shootings? Fix those stats. Men were originally told to get out but then settled in this new life of laziness. I’m looking for an all-out revival of men stepping up and being the man God designed them to be. It takes a few things to accomplish this.
First, it takes the man willing to admit he could be better tomorrow than he is today. That’s a huge step for most men. We think we have all this figured out. Then we’re forced to admit that maybe we don’t. Once we can admit that, then we can work on it. The next thing that has to happen is men have to find someone they trust to point them in the right direction. Then they have to apply what they’re learning.
Next, their wife/girlfriend has to allow them to be who God designed them to be. She is capable of stopping that by not allowing him to lead his family. If she takes care of everything and he has no real responsibilities, he will never operate in the gifts God has given him. The wife/gf has to allow him the room to lead and make mistakes. Ouch. That’s where it gets ugly. Make mistakes? I once had someone ask me, “Well, what if you just know he’s going to make a mistake? You just let him?” My response was, “Unless you are 100% certain that you know exactly what he’s going to do and exactly what the repercussions are, then you don’t know if it’s a mistake yet or not. And even if you do, if he loves his family, then he won’t make that mistake again.”
Men have to stand up and be men. Love your spouse in front of your kids. Get them up and help get them ready for church, be the initiator. Pray over your children. Don’t know how? Ask someone to help. Serve your family by listening and caring. Caring about them more than yourself.
I’m fully convinced that the solution to the mass school shootings AND the heated abortion debate resides in the outbreak of men taking their roles and responsibilities seriously and choosing to do the right thing, even when it’s not easy. If the decision to overturn Roe v Wade did anything, it called men to step up. And if men will step up, society needs to let them.
“You have to get over here now! He can’t breathe! We need to get him to the hospital!” Words you NEVER want to hear about a parent ever, but especially in their 60’s. Covid had grabbed both of my parents and it turned into pneumonia. The bad part is that my dad had spent a night in the hospital and was sent home with oxygen. So, here’s what happened:
I’m coming home from Memphis and on my way, my brother Adam calls and says he’s taking Dad to the hospital. So I tell him I’ll meet him there so his wife can stay with mom. Adam and I, with the help of an old friend named Wendy Sewell, help get him in and settled. They eventually get him admitted and won’t let us in because of covid. The next morning, I’m thinking about what to do. I’m scared. Then I think about the verse that says to come to God with a child-like faith. So I think of my children.
So I text 2 of my daughters with this: “I need you to make me a promise. Promise me that you will pray out loud where you can hear yourself say the words. I need you to pray for your healing (one of my daughters had covid) and for those you love.” One of my daughters forgot. Haha. My 19-year-old didn’t forget. When I asked and she replied yes, I told her that her Papu was going home from the hospital.
That was the first time he went into the hospital. The second time it was a little different. My brother and I try to get him to the car, and he didn’t have the strength to go 10 feet. We have to call an ambulance. Once he’s in, the word gets out and the prayers begin. We get word that a large group gathering will take place at someone’s home. There is a group of people that convene outside the hospital and go on Facebook live and pray for my Dad and one of his elders that was in the same hospital. There were hundreds of people everywhere praying for this man. That was Monday and Tuesday.
On Wednesday he had continued to decline. By the end of that day, I felt very hopeless and full of despair. I kept it to myself, other than my conversations with my wife. I had become one of the “strong ones” for my family. So I had to keep being strong around them and for them. But once alone, the despair and emotional wreckage unfolded. I had to pull over while driving one night because I just couldn’t see through tears. By Wednesday night, I had begun to think of how life was going to take place with our Dad gone. I thought of all the things that were going to be very different.
The next morning something hit me. I wondered why I had felt so hopeless when I knew that there were hundreds of people praying for Dad. ALMOST AUDIBLY, God made two statements to me. 1- “You asked your daughters to do something that you haven’t done yourself” (pray out loud, not just in my heart, spirit, or some other froo-froo word). 2- “You feel hopeless because you are leaning on the prayers of others.” WOW!
He was right. I felt like they had it covered, but it didn’t fix my despair. So I said “Ok!” I began to talk to God out loud. I asked for 20 more years but would be ok with 15. But I needed at least 15. I felt like God started bringing up me being in some sort of ministry again. I thought that was a strange time to bring that up. So I said, “Then I need 15 more years. He’s been my guide most of my life. I have a very good pastor, but I need Dad too.” No, I was not negotiating with God. God doesn’t do that. But I was pleading with him.
This took place between 9:30am and 10am. Talking to God out loud so that I could hear myself say the words. For some reason, this was very important to God. Sometime between 10:30am and 11:45am, the nurse at Dad’s side called my sister-in-law, who had been our medical liaison through this journey. The nurse said that his oxygen levels had increased without manually increasing the intensity for the first time since he arrived at the hospital. Then about 30 minutes later, the levels went up again. Then by the next morning, they went up again! W-W-W-WOW! It worked. He spoke. I listened. He listened. He chose to act in accordance with my, and many others’, requests. I was a bit dumbfounded. Not that prayer worked, I’ve always known prayer worked. But that this interaction seemed so specific and purposeful.
Do I think it was my prayer that did it? Nope. That would be very arrogant and very NOT God-like. Do I think God was trying to get my attention? Yep. No Doubt. Dad is still in the hospital and if God decides to fully heal him, it will be because of the hundreds of prayers, the doctors, all the nurses, Erin Grainger, Wendy Sewell, the drug Baricitinib, Dad’s willingness to fight, and an enormous love between two love birds that married when they were 18 years old. In fact, of all of my brothers, their wives, and my wife, I contributed the least. But make no mistake, God knew His timing would get my attention. And it did.
One thing that has stood out so far is the stoic steadfast approach that Dad has had through all of this. It is as if he never once questioned the fact that he was coming home to us, and that God would heal him. He was never shaken too strongly. He knew something the rest of us weren’t sure we were convinced of. He knew that when everything around him was shaken, he was glad he put his faith in Jesus. He had seen him be faithful through generations. He’d seen joy in chaos. He’d had peace, at times, that made no sense. He knew that his lack of strength only meant more strength for God. He knew that God had never let him down. So why would God fail him now?
He Won’t.
“Rain came and wind blew
But my house was built on you
And I’m safe with you
I’m going to make it through.”
For me, the lesson learned is that you can’t rely only on the prayers of others. You must join them and also pray. Pray out loud. Love out loud. Live out loud. And if God has never failed you before, why would he start now?
The last kid is moved into college and the parents are back at home. The very next thing that happens is the husband and wife look at each other as if they’re looking at a stranger. The husband says, “who are you and how did you get into my house?” The wife says, “I was just about to ask you the same thing.” Slowly they begin to realize they’ve been married for 25 years and end up divorced because they don’t know their spouse anymore. I call these “Empty Nest Divorces” (E.N.D.).
I get these calls all the time in the insurance business. The wife calls to tell me that we need to split her and her husband into separate policies because they are going through a divorce. The situation is almost predictable. They are in their mid to late 40’s to mid 50’s and their youngest kid went off to college. I’m telling you that I get that call more than once a month. How can this be? How can that many people be divorcing after that many years?
Unfortunately the answer is quite simple. They put so much time, effort, and importance on their children that they never took time to cultivate their own relationship. As a result, they look up at each other and don’t even recognize the person they’re married to. They forgot that all relationships require time and effort, even their marital relationship. It’s not something you can just take for granted. Because if you do, you’ll be calling your insurance agent asking to separate the policies. You’ll be trying to explain to your grown children why thanksgivings will never be like they were. And they will begin thinking that they were the cause. If they wouldn’t have gone to college, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Believe me, just because they’re older and wiser doesn’t exclude them from the internal belief that a divorce is their fault. It happens to all children, no matter the age.
So how do we eliminate Empty Nest Divorces? It’s not easy, but here are some steps. First, date nights must be priority. Once every 2 weeks is ideal. Once a week is too hard to accomplish and once a month may not be enough. This is top level priority. You don’t cancel, you don’t “come back to it.” You go. Go somewhere. Don’t spend money if you don’t want to. But go. Get out of the house and spend quality time together, with NO children around.
Having said that, the most important thing you can do to avoid an empty nest divorce is to keep your children Third in your life. Your life must reflect God’s design for living. In God’s design, you should have no gods before Him. Also in His design, what He put together, let NO man (mankind) separate. This includes your children. So based on that, your first relationship priority is your relationship with God. Your second relationship priority is your relationship with your spouse. That means that your relationship with your children comes after that. For more on priorities in relationships, click HERE.
Your children simply were not designed to be that important in your life. They were designed to learn from you and you being there for them to prepare them to “Leave mother and father and cling to one another.” Your children weren’t meant to be placed in a position where they are more important than your spouse. But if they become more important than your spouse, your spouse becomes a stranger to you. You grow separately and because you grow separately, you are in different areas of life. You have to grow together.
But is it really that serious? Is it really that rampant? How many people is this actually happening to? Glad you asked (ok, I know you didn’t ask, work with me here). In 2015, for every 1,000 married persons ages 50+, 10 divorced, which is up from 5 in 1990, according to data from the National Center for Health Statistics and U.S. Census Bureau. Among those ages 65+, the divorce rate has nearly tripled since 1990, reaching 6 people per 1,000 married persons in 2015. With the surge in divorces for those 50+, the empty nest puts couples at higher risk for divorce than ever before. So yes, it’s kind of a big deal.
So for those that have a chance to reverse this trend, please work on it. Your children will thank you; your spouse will thank you. Date your spouse. Don’t neglect that. Keep your children third. Then, when that last kid gets moved into college, you can look at each other and say, “now we can REALLY have some fun!” Life only gets better as you grow closer to your spouse.
In December of 2015, the New York Times released an article after following a group of 85-year-old people for a year. What they concluded was that it was certain what mattered to them was laughter. They spent “no wasted time on anger and worry.” They were quoted as saying “with old age, I listen a little more.”
What did matter to them was The 4 L’s: Life, Laughter, Listening, and Love. Notice what did not matter to them; none mentioned a thing about current events, politics, donkeys or elephants. Only life, laughter, listening, and love.
I’ve
learned that I have no control over what someone does in the White House. I
have no control over what they do in the Tennessee capital. I have no control
over what happens in the Sumner County sessions. The closest thing I have to
control is a vote. And I use that to the best of my ability. After that,
it’s out of my control.
Think
back before covid. Who did you go to concerts with? Who did you have dinner
with? Who did you hang out with, double dates, play dates with kids? Remember
when it didn’t matter how they voted?
What’s changed? Boredom and Social media. And a lack of pursuit of the things that matter. We’ve turned our focus away from the friends that make us laugh at dinner and decided they’re no longer dinner-worthy because they dislike Trump. Or they’re no longer someone you want to go to a concert with anymore simply because they don’t like Biden. Think about it, do these politicians know who you are? Do they care? Debatable.
Boredom. Covid put us in a place where we were in search of something to do. People were playing the stock market that had never done so before. There were no sports. This was the closest thing to it.
One thing that is stoking opinionated fires needlessly that not many are mentioning is social media. Social media has unintentionally, yet successfully driven a wedge in our relationships while trying to bring them closer together. How could that be?
Originally, it was meant to bring people together. Family that didn’t live close by could keep in touch. People would be positively reaffirmed with “likes”. But it was free. They had to make money. So the social media platforms sold data on what people were clicking on and watching- the algorithm. In order for them to make money, you had to stay on your phone. In order for that to happen, they put things in front of you they knew you’d like and agree with. Algorithms again.
You kept feeding their data machine and they kept sending you things you liked and agreed with. The more you watched, the more money they made. Little did they, or you, know that the things they were putting in your face were creating total political polarization.
So
now we’re willing to lose friends, people we’ve been doing life with, over
things we can’t control. That’s how ridiculous this has gotten. It’s gotten so
out of control that an idea about something you have no control over, an
opinion, is driving wedges in families, friends, communities.
There has to be a point when we realize it’s just not worth it. That whether I back the blue or believe Black Lives Matter, or manage to believe both has no effect on the years of closeness I’ve had with someone prior to this social media experiment.
I seriously doubt we’ll be 85 saying “I’m so happy I ended that 20-year friendship over my opinion on a police department in Wisconsin.” That just won’t happen. We’ll wake up with so much regret we won’t be able to function. We must get to a place where we focus on what matters: Life, Laughing, Listening, and Love.
I woke up yesterday morning feeling like someone had hit me across my face with a frying pan… but I hadn’t done anything physical to cause that. I woke up feeling an enormous amount of stress, weight and burden… but there were no reasons, currently, in my life to feel that way. But let me back up and explain why I woke up feeling that way.
You see, my whole life I’ve had something that some may call
a blessing but I call a curse. I’m extremely observant and as a result, I’m
able to insert myself into someone’s life emotionally. I can feel what they
feel even if I haven’t experienced it before. I can sense what they are going
through even if I have never gone through it before myself. Then it hit me, THIS
is what Jesus felt like all the time.
He saw Matthew where he was. He saw Zacchaeus where he was.
He saw Mary and the hurt she was dealing with. He saw the adulterer and the
shame she felt. And He felt it ALL.
I’ve wrestled my whole life with the dichotomy of my
analytical brain and my ability to feel. Part of me wants to rely solely on facts. In
fact, most of me wants to rely solely on facts. They are much more reliable
than feelings. But there’s a part of me that can’t hide nor deny that impact of
how I feel or how others feel.
The facts of the recent George Floyd case suggest a few things. Another angry man who was given power abused that power and ended the life of someone else. The facts in our country show that every man and woman in 2020 have the same opportunity to be successful. The same opportunity to get a good job. To go to college.
The facts show that, according to Larry Elder, Coleman Hughes, and Thomas Sowell, the number one problem in America, both black and white, is fatherless homes. That the incentives put in place in the 60’s to receive government assistance as long as there is no man in the home, single-handedly caused a spike in fatherless homes. Bringing that number from 25% of black children born in fatherless homes in the 60’s to 75% today. Bringing that number from 8% of white children born to fatherless homes to 25% today.
The facts show that the cop who held his knee down on Floyd wrongfully was abruptly fired the next day and approximately 2 days later was arrested. The exact protocol for anyone in occupations where fatalities are a regular part of the job-EMT, police, fire fighter, military. But STILL, there were protests, riots, and looting. There was still anger. There was still extreme pain. But why? The man that did wrong was held accountable. None of this made any sense to my analytical brain. But I still woke up FEELING the way I did. How is that?
A couple of years ago, my wife once told me how she was feeling about certain people in our life. I just knew that her feeling was wrong and unfounded. And my first reaction was to sling facts at her to prove my point. To be right (BTW- in marriage, a man can be happy or he can be right, but he can’t be both. Ha!). She didn’t feel any better. The primary reason was because I hadn’t listened to her. I heard her speak but I didn’t listen. There’s a difference. Once I stopped trying to be right and LISTENED, We got somewhere. Something else happened, I found that, in a way, she was right. So my facts were subjected to the WHOLE truth, which included feelings.
So what does that mean to us? No matter the race, the
gender, the occupation, the whole story will always consist of two parts…
FACTS AND FEELINGS. You really can’t have one without the other. I’m a big fan
of the statement, “Facts don’t care about your feelings”, but I do!
It’s true, facts are just facts. But I care about your feelings. It’s part of
the story… part of your story.
The emotion of what happened to many black people’s grandparents is still very real. The feeling of what happened to young black men growing up is very real. Should we all be following the law and doing as law enforcement says when approached? Of course. But no one deserves to die over small issues and when something like that happens, it’s like the entire country takes a huge step backwards. The emotion of our nation’s past rises up… then we’re left with a decision. Start throwing facts… or start listening.
From watching all of the peaceful protests closely, I can
tell you there was a theme. LISTEN. They want to be heard. I can also tell you
from being married there’s a theme… LISTEN… she wants to be heard.
I’ve found that if I will just listen first and react or respond after, truly listen, I will have a much more compassionate response to what I’m hearing from my wife. And as a result, she will be quicker to hear me out. This applies to all walks of life. “It’s not what you’re saying, it’s how you’re saying it!” I’ve heard that a lot from my wife.
So as I woke up yesterday feeling the weight of the world, I finally realized why. I’m feeling all of the people that just want to be heard, peacefully. If there was ever a time to listen first and respond later, it’s 2020. The whole story cannot be told by facts alone. Feelings are valid and help tell the whole story. Every black person I know cares about white lives. Every white person I know cares about black lives. For the first time, I stopped slinging facts and listened. I then realized that “Black Lives Matter” meant that they want to be heard. No one will listen to your facts until you’ve listened to their feelings. I challenge you to start listening to someone that doesn’t look like you. Sit down for a coffee, a meal, and listen to what they have to say with an open mind. It’s the only way we bridge the gap that clearly exists.
Here we are. Everything we hold in high esteem has been silenced. NBA, NHL, MLB, concerts, movies… the list goes on. There have been many theories about how we got here. Understanding that is as important as understanding where we are, where we are going, and how we’re going to get there.
After watching an interview of Dallas Jenkins, Director of The Chosen, I was struck by the story of the feeding of the 5,000. I’m not actually sure it was 5,000… seems to have been more. In one version, it was reported there were 5,000 men- not including women and children. So, no one really knows how many there were. But in this case, how they got there was as important as the rest of the story (Mark 6:30 and Matthew 14:13).
See, Jesus had been teaching and healing. He went non-stop
for hours. Mark 6:31 says “Because there were so many people coming and going,
they did not have a chance to eat…” Jesus CREATED the problem. He created the
NEED. He put them in a place where only a miracle would solve the problem. He
left them in a place where they could only look to God and nothing else. This
happens to us in the 21st century when we don’t humble ourselves. He
then has to bring us to a place where we’re reminded that we need Him. But He
desires that we get there ourselves so He doesn’t have to. I’m a dad. I don’t
want to humble my children. It’s not fun…at all. I desire that they keep
themselves humble and on the right track. But it’s not always that simple.
After Jesus created the need, the disciples also noticed
that the crowd needed to eat and asked Jesus to send them away. Everyone was
tired. Jesus said, “how many loaves do you have?” He knew the answer. He wanted
them to watch God in all of His glory.
I’m not saying that this virus was sent by God. But it wouldn’t surprise me. As in John 9:1-3, Sometimes things just happen in order for the works of God to be displayed in us. This happened all through scripture. So I ask, how many loaves do you have? What do you have to offer? You may think you can’t get through this. You may have lost your job. You may be afraid of losing your house. But God may be looking to display His glory through you. How many loaves do you have?
For some it may be finances. But for others it may be talents. It may be serving. It may be feeding. For some, God may want to deal with a part of your character. This will, in turn, help those around you. Ask me how I know. Everyone has something they can do and something they can give. Something they can do to serve. Even if it’s just an encouragement through zoom. You have a loaf…you have a few loaves. You may not realize it until you begin looking for the need in others. When you get outside your own need, you find that others have needs that you can fill. You begin to see the works of God displayed in you. So… how many loaves do you have?
You may read this and say, “But I don’t have anything” or “I don’t have enough”. God knows better. God doesn’t need you to feed 5,000. He needs you to bring the loaves you have. He’ll take what the enemy meant for evil and turn it for good. But He still needs you to bring the loaves you do have. What do I mean by this? Humble yourself before God. Speak directly to Him, out loud, in humility. Ask Him what He would have you do in this time. Be prepared for the answer. It’s not going to sound the way you thought it would. All throughout the Bible, we learn that if you want something, you give it. If you want love, give love. If you want mercy, give mercy. If you’re worried about your finances, your physical health… give. Don’t worry about tomorrow. Don’t worry about what you don’t have or aren’t going to have. Bring whatever loaves you have… Then watch Him feed 5,000+!
The country is at a stand still over the corona virus. We all see it. It’s not hard not to be worried or anxious. Some in the middle Tennessee area have been ransacked by the tornadoes and are still in the middle of finding a new normal. How do we move forward? By looking back. By remembering.
I remember… I was still fairly new to our community of Hermitage, TN in the early 90’s. We had just moved there. My best childhood friend and his mom (and brother) moved to Tennessee from Louisiana at the same time we did, which was also right after his dad passed away. They followed my dad here, who was their pastor. Then came the call. This friend decided to play Russian roulette and the gun fired. I rushed to the hospital. They were working to keep him alive. The doctor came out at one point to say he was responding and may pull through. Soon after, he returned with news that I didn’t want to hear about my 14-year-old friend. He was gone.
I remember… at the funeral, a large number of people from our school showed up in support. Then all of the sudden, something very unexpected happened. I was surrounded by these people that I didn’t know very well because they knew I had grown up with him. I remember all of the outpouring of community definitely surprised me and allowed me to cope much better. I still wasn’t sure how I’d keep going… but I did.
I remember… developing a friendship with a guy soon after My childhood friend’s death who had just moved here from Indiana. We were instant best friends. Stayed close all through high school and after school. He married and moved to Arkansas. We were on the phone one Saturday talking about his plans to move back to Tennessee. We talked about how we both had small children who hadn’t met each other yet and we were going to raise them like cousins. He was starting a business and wanted me to work for him. The following Tuesday, all of those plans ended on interstate 40 in Arkansas. Again, I wasn’t sure how I’d keep going… but I did. I remember all of the calls I received.
Now I’ve survived various flu pandemics, Y2k, being a sports
referee and being a girl dad. Pretty tough things. And now I’m staring at, yet
again, another obstacle that scares the masses. But one thing I’ve learned
about obstacles, no matter the situation… every. Single. Time. God uses it to
bring people closer to Him, to each other and we are all stronger on the other
side. Every Time.
This situation is no different. When the dust settles on the mass threat of the corona virus, people will be closer to each other. Already, people are publicly praying that wouldn’t normally be praying. People are turning to God in a very similar fashion as that of 9-11-01. But what if you’ve done all you can and something else hits? I feel like I’d be prepared. But I’m really not sure.
You’ve managed to miss being hit by the tornadoes in Tennessee. Then comes the corona virus. You take precautions and manage to miss being hit by that too. Chances are, you’ve also missed catching the various flu pandemics throughout our nation’s history. You’re in the shape of your life… only to find out you have Lymphoma cancer. How do you fight? I don’t know, but my close friend will fight… and I’m going to learn from him. I’m going to learn how to face all of these seemingly insurmountable odds and overcome. I’m going to learn about the “quality of life” many have spoken about. I’m also going to learn more about community. About how your community wraps its arms around you and gives you hope and a reason to push through. And one day, I’m going to look back and remember these moments and see what he came through… and subsequently, what I’m capable of.
Here’s the thing, with each trial, there’s always a new
normal. A new normal that brings a stronger community unit. A new normal that
brings a new sense of hope. Every time there’s a trial, God shows up. In each
of my difficult times in life, He showed up in some way, every single time. It
wasn’t some angel flying down from a cloud playing a harp in a toga outfit. It
was JESUS IN PEOPLE.
I can’t convince you to not worry about this. But I can remind you that you’ve faced tougher things before and you’re still here. I can remind you that on 9-12-01, there were no republicans or democrats. There were no black or white people, just Americans. People were quick to extend a hand to a fellow American. We are in similar times. Remember what you’ve come through. Remember how you were stronger afterwards. Remember what you’ve accomplished. REMEMBER, you have overcome before…don’t stop now. Don’t lose sight of community. Don’t let fear own you. Don’t let what you see dictate what you do. But let who you know dictate what you do… and REMEMBER.
You’re looking for a sign. You’ve asked for a sign. But the entire time, it was flashing right in front of you, but you didn’t see it because you had predetermined how it should look and what it was going to be like. We’ve all been there.
It reminds me of the story of a town that was flooding. One man’s house was flooding and another man came by with a small boat and said “get in the boat or you will drown.” The man said, “My God is mighty to save and He will save me!” Then when the water was higher, a man came by with a large boat and said, “get in the boat or you will drown.” The man said, “My God is mighty to save and He will save me!” The water got so high that the man was standing on his roof. A man came by in a helicopter and said, “Get in or you will drown!” But the man said, “My God is mighty to save and He will save me!” Then the man drowned. When he got to heaven, he said to God, “I told them you would save me but you didn’t! Why didn’t you save me?!” God said, “I tried to… three times.”
It happens all too often. We expect things to look a certain
way and miss out on what God wanted for us because He tried it His way instead
of ours. See, He has this silly notion that He’s… well… GOD. Weird, I know. We
ask for something, then decide ahead of time how this prayer will be answered.
Except, God knows a better way. Here’s the problem, if we’re not open to ideas
that are not our own, we miss the blessing entirely. Let me tell you a story
about a little girl that had the opportunity to miss out on what God had, but
instead, chose to let God be God.
This little girl grows up with a father that was verbally
abusive and an angry alcoholic. She learns to resent him and only lean on him
for very practical things, but never for emotional support or love of any kind.
She grows up and makes a series of bad decisions. Finds herself in front of a
judge. At 16, she finds herself single and pregnant. Finds herself feeling very
alone and in desperation. She turns to the least likely source as a last-resort
option for help getting out of the mess she’s found herself in. She turns to
the very man she resents. Her father. Given this chance, he says these words to
her, “When you don’t know what else to do, turn to God and pray. He always
comes through.” She did NOT expect those words to come out of his mouth. She
never thought about God using her dad to point her in the right direction, but
He did.
She had an opportunity to write him off as some self-promoting,
insane, babbling idiot. But she didn’t. She listened. That night, she turned it
all over to God. She let go of trying to figure it all out. She began living
her life as if God was the only father she ever had or needed.
Today, she is a successful young lady with 5 children, one grandchild, 3 businesses, a home and a caring husband (I happen to know her quite well). All because she listened to the least likely source. It’s just another story among many. There are so many like this. But if we find ourselves having decided ahead of time what it should look like, we will miss it altogether.
I’ll leave you with this story to illustrate what I’m
talking about. I met a young lady on the road during my days as a traveling
musician who came to the autograph line crying. I asked why she was crying. She
said because it was a miracle she was there. See… every morning before work
she’d say a very quick prayer for safety then jump in the car and head to work.
But one day, a Wednesday to be exact, her car wouldn’t start. She tried over
and over but it wouldn’t start. She went inside, called her work and informed
them she couldn’t get her car to start. She then walked outside and figured
she’d give it one more shot. It started like nothing was wrong. So she headed
toward work, but was late. See, she lived in Oklahoma City and her route to
work takes her right by the Murrah Federal building. And had she been on time
that morning of April 19th, 1995, she would’ve been right next to
the truck that exploded.
Her answer didn’t come in the way she thought it would. She
asked for safety and God kept her car from starting… for just a few minutes.
What she originally thought was turning out to be a frustrating morning (for
many others, it was a horrible day), turned out to be a life saver. A car not
starting was the least likely source of an answered prayer.
What’s the prayer you’ve been asking for? The way you think that prayer should be answered… drop it and open your eyes. Chances are, it’s been answered, but in a way you didn’t expect. Begin to expect the unexpected and be open to blessings. See, if you’re looking for the wrong in everyday life, you’ll find it. But if you’re looking for the blessings in everyday life, you’ll also find them. Especially if you’re looking at the Least Likely Source.
Imagine if it was taboo to eat banana pudding. Then one day, it becomes widely accepted and quite normal to enjoy banana pudding. So much that if you are caught saying you don’t like the taste of banana pudding, you’re inciting violence and using hate speech. It’s not enough that everyone is now allowed to eat banana pudding. You have to be chastised, sued and prosecuted if you DON’T like banana pudding because that goes against my personal preference and I’ve been a banana pudding fan for many years and didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. That sounds ridiculous, but that’s exactly where we are.
We’ve seen
groups of people in our country through the years, treated very poorly. Native
Americans, Irish Americans, Women… and so on. This country certainly has a dark
history of spotlighting groups of people and oppressing them. I don’t take
lightly, for a moment, the barbaric fabric of the civil atrocities that took
place in our nation’s history. I believe it hurt many people. I believe the
cuts are still healing. For women, for Irish-Americans, homosexuals, and so on.
It isn’t as easy to just say, “We’re good. Move on!” It’s just not that easy.
But this country also has a long history of righting those mistakes and moving
forward. We have native American women that occupy public office positions in
government now. We are moving in the right direction.
As someone
who didn’t have to endure any of that, I tread lightly on this subject. But it
needs to be addressed nonetheless. These various groups of people had different
responses to their oppression. The emotional toll it takes on its victims is staggering.
The anger, feeling of rejection, bitterness, depression that comes with being
treated so poorly is very real. The problem comes when the wrong has been
corrected, but the anger and resentment are still there. Then what do we do?
That’s where
this conversation gets difficult. When a group of people are being done wrong,
the ones that overcame that, did so by mob rule. I don’t mean that bad, at all.
I mean that as a necessity because no one would listen until an entire group of
people just rose up and said they’d had enough! It took that level of fight to
get everyone’s attention to the civil atrocities taking place in our country.
Eventually,
those wrongs were fixed. They were corrected. There is statistical evidence to
show that those civil atrocities no longer exist on a wide-scale, or
institutional basis. We are now, statistically, more equal and more fair than
ever before in the history of our country. But what happens when we’ve reached
this level of equality, but it doesn’t FEEL like it?
It is precisely at this moment when we leave the arena of legislation and enter the realm of personal responsibility. If we have been given equal access to civility, but we still feel disenfranchised, angry, resentful, bitter, frustrated, then we sometimes go with our feelings instead of the facts. We leave the feelings unchecked. And if the feeling is still there, then surely, we are NOT EQUAL, right?! Again, you can’t legislate overcoming emotional damage. The damage is real. And as I’ve said before, it’s okay to not be okay. But it’s not okay to willingly stay there. Personal responsibility leads us to a place where we understand that, yes, we were done wrong. But that has been rectified. I’m still angry about what happened but I want to heal and move in a forward direction.
The problem
is, not everyone can do that. And when they don’t, society pays the price. When
equality has been reached, but you don’t feel like it has, you are forced to continue
to press on to what you believe is actual equality- which is, in reality,
superiority. You begin to buy in to the notion that everyone owes you because
you were done wrong for so long. Those that you believe did you wrong should
pay and pay and continue to pay… then pay some more. They should lose rights
while you gain more. Which is a tangible example of inequality through
superiority. “I get to have my own type of business that’s only for my people.
You can’t have one!” That, in itself, is NOT equal, but superior. “I get to be
over you. I get to partake in certain things in life that you can’t.” Again,
superior, not equal.
Unfortunately,
American society has reached a place where the feelings are taking total
precedent over the facts and statistical data. And we have entirely lost our
ability to engage in civil discourse. If you don’t agree with me, then you are
spewing hate speech, some would lead you to believe.
Why did
Chik-fil-A make the proclamation that they did? I have no idea. They are
allowed to distribute their donation funds wherever they want. But,
unfortunately, it appears that the purpose is to avoid having to stand up for
personal and religious rights, which include the right to free speech and right
to religious expression.
Hear me clearly: to be pro-God DOES NOT mean you are anti-LGBT. God is pro everyone. That includes LGBT. Every human being. The only disagreement is whether or not it is acceptable or wrong to be homosexual in the eyes of God. But this has nothing to do with how I’m going to treat you, or anyone else for that matter. I can disagree with you and not hate you. I’ve been instructed by my God to love my neighbor as myself. He didn’t say, love him as long as he is just like you. He simply said to love him.
Where does
this leave us? Back to the conversation of personal responsibility. We should
be tired of being the victim and begin to live victoriously. We should never
wait for the government to determine our destiny or direction in life. We
should never rely on government for anything. We should decide that although
there are times when we are done wrong, the entire group of people that person
represents isn’t responsible. Just that person. We should get to a place where
we stop blaming groups for the immoral and unethical acts of individuals. If we
can get there, we stop looking for superiority and can rest in the equality of
our nation. Great… now I’m hungry for waffle fries and banana pudding!
