{"id":280,"date":"2019-07-30T23:00:05","date_gmt":"2019-07-30T23:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/?p=280"},"modified":"2019-07-30T23:25:50","modified_gmt":"2019-07-30T23:25:50","slug":"the-blended-bunch-part-1","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/2019\/07\/30\/the-blended-bunch-part-1\/","title":{"rendered":"The Blended Bunch (part 1)"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Here\u2019s a\nstory\u2026 of a lovely lady\u2026 you know the rest. Eight\u20268! That\u2019s the number of\nchildren My wife and I have parented\u2026 so far. 5 of hers, 3 of mine. I\u2019m often\nasked how we manage that. I usually say with lots of alcohol. Ha! No but\nreally, it\u2019s a very tricky situation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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On one hand, Biblical priorities say the spouse is before the children. Children are third (Please refer to an earlier blog titled \u201cRelationship Priorities<\/a>\u201d). On the other hand, children go through something that they never asked for (divorce) and are thrown into something else they didn\u2019t ask for (a step-parent). And a much larger amount of grace and understanding are required to get through all of this. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Things to expect<\/em><\/strong>: children act out. They display\ntheir disapproval in different ways, but they all display it. If you think, for\na minute, that your children love this new arrangement, you haven\u2019t been paying\nattention. I\u2019ve heard adults close to me say they still hold out hope their\nparents will get back together\u2026and they\u2019ve both been remarried for 15+ years.\nThis desire doesn\u2019t go away for some. So what do we do about it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The only\nthing we can do is love them. Love them beyond their merit. They don\u2019t deserve\nthe amount of love we have to give them in these moments. But I don\u2019t deserve\nthe amount of love Jesus showed on the cross either. So I\u2019m passing on the same\nunconditional, unmerited, undeserving love to my children and bonus children\n(not using \u201cstep\u201d). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Things to expect<\/em><\/strong>: they\u2019re going to feel like they are\nin the middle of a tug-of-war. Regardless of how hard you try to avoid it, it\u2019s\ngoing to be how they feel. They can\u2019t display love for mom around dad. They\ncan\u2019t display love for dad around mom. Or at least they don\u2019t think they can. I\nonce heard the story of a child that asked his dad, \u201cIs it ok if I hate you\nwhile I\u2019m at mom\u2019s and love you while I\u2019m here?\u201d To which the dad said \u201cSure\u201d.\nHe understood the internal war this child was dealing with\u2026 that the child never\nasked for. It\u2019s up to the adults to act like adults and make sure the children\nknow that they are still very much loved by everyone. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Things to expect<\/em><\/strong>: children will play you against both\ntheir other parent and your new spouse. They will attempt to divide you and\nyour spouse because they feel the need to make sure they maintain their primary\nrole in your life. They usually do this when they haven\u2019t been shown enough\nattention. And before you say, \u201cthey shouldn\u2019t be attention seeking\u201d, remember,\nthis is a very unique situation that they didn\u2019t ask for. Most children,\nregardless of what you say, believe their parents are divorced because of\nsomething they did wrong. If only they had done something better or not been so\nbad, their parents would still be together. We obviously know this is very wrong.\nAnother reason why they need much more attention than the average child. That\u2019s\nalso where this whole \u201cblended family\u201d thing gets real dicey. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You have to\nkeep children third, but you have to show them that they are a strong third.\nYou also need to recognize the unique relationships of each individual child.\nMy relationship with Ethan, 18, is very different than that with Colton, 11.\nWith Ethan I\u2019m more of a guidance. With Colton I\u2019m more of a disciplinarian.\nWith both, I suck terribly because I\u2019m a girl dad. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

One thing I\nrecall was that early on, Bristol (16), my bonus daughter, was struggling with\nself-worth. Neither her mom nor her dad did or said anything to cause that\u2026 but\nshe felt it the same. She seemed to be unconsciously \u201cwearing\u201d the shame and\nguilt of the divorce. I gave her extra love. Extra attention. I flooded her\nwith positive speak. I literally picked her up one day and said, \u201cWe\u2019re going\nfor a drive.\u201d I proceeded to unleash things like, \u201cYou\u2019re smart and beautiful\nand will accomplish some amazing things one day and I can\u2019t wait to watch it!\nAnd if any boy doesn\u2019t see how amazing you are, kick him to the curb quickly!\u201d\nEventually, that swagger came back and she was back to the same old\nsuper-confident Bristol. Those of you who know her laughed when you read that\nsentence. This young lady commands a room when she enters. Haha. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep in mind\nthat Bristol and Ethan reminded me more than once that \u201cyou\u2019re not my dad!\u201d My\ndaughters reminded me that Jennifer wasn\u2019t their mom. And still, Jennifer\nwashed their sheets, washed their clothes, shopped for make up with them,\nbought them groceries they would like. Jennifer consistently went way above and\nbeyond for my daughters, understanding that they needed extra attention during\nthis transition period. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Things to expect<\/em><\/strong>: They\u2019re going to disapprove of\nanything resembling the new spouse. What we can\u2019t do is get so frustrated with\nthe process that we stop the consistency or give up altogether. They are going\nto be resistant to anything that shakes up what they have always known. But\neventually\u2026. Eventually they warm up, they begin to see love from all\ndirections. I\u2019ve heard the analogy of a crock pot. You take many ingredients\nand put them in the pot. It slowly warms up. The potatoes get softer quicker\nthan the carrots. So now you have soft potatoes but very crunchy carrots. It\njust takes the carrots longer than the potatoes to warm up and get soft. But\nyou don\u2019t turn the pot off. You also don\u2019t turn the heat up on the pot. You\njust let it be what it is. Eventually, everything in the pot is simmering well\ntogether and all ingredients are soft and now blend well together. Now my\ndaughters are asking Jennifer to do their hair; help them with certain tasks\nthey know Jennifer is good at accomplishing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It never\ndoes get perfect, but it gets a lot better. But what about the difficulties\nthat take place between spouses that are trying to now build a new life\ntogether? Glad you asked. That\u2019s part 2. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Stay Classy GP! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Grainger <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Here\u2019s a story\u2026 of a lovely lady\u2026 you know the rest. Eight\u20268! That\u2019s the number of children My wife and I have parented\u2026 so far. 5 of hers, 3 of mine. I\u2019m often asked how we manage that. I usually say with lots of alcohol. Ha! No but really, it\u2019s a very tricky situation. On … <\/p>\n

Continue reading “The Blended Bunch (part 1)”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_bbp_topic_count":0,"_bbp_reply_count":0,"_bbp_total_topic_count":0,"_bbp_total_reply_count":0,"_bbp_voice_count":0,"_bbp_anonymous_reply_count":0,"_bbp_topic_count_hidden":0,"_bbp_reply_count_hidden":0,"_bbp_forum_subforum_count":0},"categories":[4,5],"tags":[35,36,37],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/280"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=280"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/280\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":289,"href":"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/280\/revisions\/289"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=280"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=280"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=280"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}