{"id":1241,"date":"2026-06-02T06:12:00","date_gmt":"2026-06-02T12:12:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/?p=1241"},"modified":"2026-05-21T17:17:52","modified_gmt":"2026-05-21T23:17:52","slug":"what-forgiveness-is-not","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/2026\/06\/02\/what-forgiveness-is-not\/","title":{"rendered":"What Forgiveness is Not"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<h2><em>Letting Go Without Losing Yourself<\/em><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/forgiveness-not-2-1024x683.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-1242\" width=\"695\" height=\"463\" srcset=\"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/forgiveness-not-2-1024x683.png 1024w, https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/forgiveness-not-2-300x200.png 300w, https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/forgiveness-not-2-768x512.png 768w, https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/forgiveness-not-2.png 1536w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 695px) 100vw, 695px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-latest-posts__list wp-block-latest-posts\"><li><a class=\"wp-block-latest-posts__post-title\" href=\"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/2026\/06\/02\/what-forgiveness-is-not\/\">What Forgiveness is Not<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a class=\"wp-block-latest-posts__post-title\" href=\"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/2026\/05\/26\/i-a-b-p\/\">I. A. B. P.<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a class=\"wp-block-latest-posts__post-title\" href=\"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/2026\/05\/19\/tennessees-education-paradox\/\">Tennessee&#8217;s Education Paradox<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a class=\"wp-block-latest-posts__post-title\" href=\"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/2026\/05\/12\/what-if-she-walks-in\/\">What If She Walks In?<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a class=\"wp-block-latest-posts__post-title\" href=\"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/2026\/05\/05\/mother-knew-best\/\">Mother Knew Best<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p><em>If you know anything about me, you know I talk often about forgiveness and its benefits. There are many studies detailing the physiological benefits of forgiveness. <a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.substack.com\/p\/i-forgive-you\" data-type=\"URL\" data-id=\"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.substack.com\/p\/i-forgive-you\" target=\"_blank\">I cover some of it in this article<\/a><\/em>. <em>Recently, after writing about what forgiveness looks like, I received some feedback regarding what forgiveness is not. I collected my thoughts on the validity of this idea, and this is what landed<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h2>Forgiveness is Not Restoration<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Restoration is the reunification of two people. Someone does you wrong, you want to forgive them and reignite friendship with each other. This requires both parties\u2019 consent. Forgiveness can be involved in this transaction, but restoration is not required for forgiveness. Forgiveness only requires one person. That\u2019s because unforgiveness only affects one. We should not feel obligated to restore to someone while forgiving them..<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2>Forgiveness is Not Transforming Into a Doormat<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Forgiveness does not give the offender the right to inflict further abuse. He slips up one night and after too many beers, he smacks her. He is visibly upset and remorseful. He apologizes. She says she forgives him. He thinks, \u201cGood, then I can do it again.\u201d Absolutely not. Forgiveness is not a license to continue damage. One can forgive, standing strong in their conviction that they have done nothing wrong and will not stand for such calamity any longer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2>Forgiveness is Not Manipulation<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Forgiveness cannot be coerced. It must be voluntary. Often, a child is the target of physical or verbal abuse and the parent cries and asks for forgiveness. When the parent commits such an action later, they remind the child, \u201cYou forgave me, remember? So you have to forgive me again!\u201d This is nothing short of manipulation. Remember, restoration and forgiveness are not the same. Yes, you could forgive the parent again, but you will feel much less inclined to restore that relationship. This maneuver also involves a bit of vulnerable narcissism (different from grandiose narcissism).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In vulnerable narcissism, the subject must be the center of attention, and in order to get this attention, they draw attention to the negativity in their life. Even (and especially) if they are the instigators of such dysfunction. This is what some parents do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2>Forgiveness Doesn\u2019t Justify the Infraction<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Erica Kirk publicly forgave her husband\u2019s killer. This does not make the murder acceptable. There still remains consequence. Moses needed forgiveness from God for placing himself too high on the spiritual ladder. God forgave, but Moses did not enter the promised land.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul><li>Justice = getting what you deserve<\/li><li>Mercy = not getting what you deserve<\/li><li>Grace = getting what you don\u2019t deserve<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>True forgiveness typically stems from the recognition of grace extended to me, through mercy, while remaining entangled in the justice I invited.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2>Forgiveness is Not Forgetting<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The idea to \u201cforgive and forget\u201d is absolute nonsense; not tangible, reasonable or, in many cases, possible. Forgetting may seem insurmountable, but the sting doesn\u2019t have to linger. How does one remove the sting? By shaping the mindset from \u201cyou did this to me so I hope you get what you deserve\u201d to \u201cI feel sad for you and what your decisions have cost you.\u201d It\u2019s seeing the humanity in people. Remember, victims perpetrate, survivors heal. Victims say, \u201cNow it\u2019s your turn to get what you deserve.\u201d Survivors say, \u201cI hope you get the help you need. But I forgive you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Keep in mind there is an amount of determinism involved in certain malevolent actions. They got here through a series of events they had no control over, leading them to make decisions that were mostly in their control, but heavily influenced by what they could not control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Example<\/em>: A young man doesn\u2019t have a father. Mother is an addict. Raises himself. Gets connected with people who are addicts and in gangs. His grandfather was also an addict and stayed in trouble. And his grandfather\u2019s father was in and out of prison. This young man literally has no example of what normality or proper functioning looks like. One could even include the man that had parents in the home but threw money at their son so he\u2019d go away. He wasn\u2019t parented. He doesn\u2019t have an example of how to act either. So he turns to nature\u2019s way, which is hungry for acceptance through power, greed, and tyranny.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2>Forgiveness is Not Emotional Numbness<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Some people believe forgiveness means becoming unaffected by what happened. It does not. Forgiveness is not the absence of pain, anger, grief, or disappointment. In fact, attempting to forgive too quickly often results in emotional suppression rather than genuine healing. A person says, \u201cI\u2019m over it,\u201d while resentment quietly festers underneath the surface. Avoidance helps no one and paralyzes the progress of forgiveness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Healthy forgiveness allows room for emotion. Jesus wept. David lamented. Job grieved. Emotional pain is not evidence of spiritual failure. It is evidence that something meaningful was damaged. The goal of forgiveness is not to become cold or indifferent, but to prevent pain from transforming into hatred, bitterness, or revenge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>A scar may remain tender long after the wound closes. That does not mean healing has failed. It means you are human. Forgiveness says, \u201cThis hurt me deeply, but I refuse to let the injury harden my heart or define my future.\u201d Forgiveness doesn\u2019t mean being conformed, it\u2019s means not being consumed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2>What It Comes Down To<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Forgiveness is release without denial. Mercy with delusion. Compassion without sacrificing truth. Freedom from hatred without freedom from consequence. Should you forgive? Absolutely. Should you relinquish all agency over it? Absolutely not. That\u2019s <strong><em>what forgiveness is not<\/em><\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Stay Classy GP!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Grainger<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Letting Go Without Losing Yourself If you know anything about me, you know I talk often about forgiveness and its benefits. There are many studies detailing the physiological benefits of forgiveness. I cover some of it in this article. Recently, after writing about what forgiveness looks like, I received some feedback regarding what forgiveness is &hellip; <\/p>\n<p class=\"link-more\"><a href=\"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/2026\/06\/02\/what-forgiveness-is-not\/\" class=\"more-link\">Continue reading<span class=\"screen-reader-text\"> &#8220;What Forgiveness is Not&#8221;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_bbp_topic_count":0,"_bbp_reply_count":0,"_bbp_total_topic_count":0,"_bbp_total_reply_count":0,"_bbp_voice_count":0,"_bbp_anonymous_reply_count":0,"_bbp_topic_count_hidden":0,"_bbp_reply_count_hidden":0,"_bbp_forum_subforum_count":0},"categories":[12,6,4,5],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1241"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1241"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1241\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1243,"href":"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1241\/revisions\/1243"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1241"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1241"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tidbitsofaudacity.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1241"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}